death and change

i knew this was coming- my parents had been preparing me for it.  he'd been getting ill, and i knew he wouldn't last that long. yet, it still comes as a shock to me that my beloved dalmatian has been put to sleep.  i realize that most people are probably not as attached to their pets as i am, but i am not most people.  what this has really taught me is that i'm resistant to change, and i'm unduly fearful of death. my childhood is really over and there's no turning back.  i've resisted change in so many ways- in changing schools, in losing touch with friends, in moving, and this is just one more change to endure.  i worry at the other changes that will come my way and i wish i could be more elastic in my responses, but i am attached to the past, afraid of the future, and suspicious of the present.

let me give you some background: i love my pets.  i am one of those  hippie vegetarians who would not wear leather if i lived on the west coast (converse chuck taylors and flip flops all the way) and i did my little flirtation with veganism.  (cheese is too good though)  but i have ultimately always felt quite passionately about animals and animal rights.  we had so many rituals that involved my dogs that i'm not really sure what will happen when i go home- will my dad and i still go for the 3 mile walk we used to do with elliott?  will the bed be that much colder without him?  will dinner in the kitchen be quieter without any pouting pups scouting for food?  i know that it was ultimately the best choice for him to go.  he's had a tumor on his skull for almost a year now, and he didn't begin to show signs of deterioration until this fall, but we knew what might come.  lately, he'd just sleep a lot, eat very little, and sometimes get dizzy or fall.  knowing that he was in such a state worried me so much, and i wished so badly that i could return to the way things were, when he was forever energetic and optimistic.  it will be so hard to go home, since he will always be part of my memories, and i will always equate him to my experience at home during my illustrious 'polytechnic' teenage years.  i will miss his tail thumping the ground, his kisses, his love for snuggling, his exuberance, and his love for walks.  may i be as loving to other humans as my dogs have been to me.

currently listening to: new deerhoof album, explosions in the sky, and radiohead songs that set the tone for sadness, such as 'let down.'