I wonder what exciting thing will happen today

Easter service mimosas. Need I say more? I had a sweet morning gig today at a Lutheran church, and I got to witness my first Easter day service. (I was one of the few people in the world raised entirely without any spiritual or religious tradition whatsoever, so I have a strange perspective on these things.) While I always have a hard time with some aspects of Christianity (like J.C., and capitalizing the word "He" while speaking), there are some really beautiful, loving, and heartwarming parts, at least in my opinion. If I allow myself to forget the language in which the text is embedded (Only those who love HIM will be in the kingdom of heaven) and instead focus on the spiritual parts (Live your life so that the world cries and you can rejoice for a life fully lived), I do pretty well. The first church service was at 8:30, the second at 11 AM, and we had to be there at 7:45, so it was pretty rough at first. We played some movements from a Vivaldi Gloria, and hymns and stuff. Nothing tough. The first service was a challenge, in terms of being awake and functional, and the whole service was almost like another rehearsal: the sermon was not amazing, there weren't that many people there, and the whole experience was just ok. But after our halftime break (when the kids when on the easter hunt and we all drank mimosas and soy latte's), it was an astonishing change in scene. The sermon was really impressive and powerful, and I found myself writing down some nice phrases in my moleskine. (yes, I'm a wannabe hipster.)
One of the things that the pastor talked about today was living life fully, something that is always a topic of conversation in Buddhism and other spiritual traditions. This usually comes across through focusing on the breath, or developing a keener awareness of the present moment. In Buddhism, we tend to believe that humanity is asleep, living in a dream of dulled sensations and awareness, and that in order to make a change in behavioral patterns, we have to become aware of them, and aware of ourselves. The most direct way to do that for some is meditating, yoga, tai chi, or a host of other contemplative practices. Those have been my means, but it was so refreshing to hear of a Christian tradition discussing daily living.
Today he talked about the circuitous mind patterns we indulge in "If only...then I'd be happy" in which we bemoan the current situation and blame our mental state on it. The pastor's response was, rather than asking "Why me?" that we instead ask, "What does this mean and how can I better serve God?" Erasing the God part, at least for me, I replaced it instead with "What does this mean, and how can I better serve humanity? What part of my life am I not living?" and that works just fine. Rather than make excuses for our emotional states, we can approach conflicts with a curiosity rather than firm judgment, and a simple awareness of the situation, whether pleasant, neutral or negative.
Another thing I really like this morning was this story from Winnie-the-pooh in which Piglet asks Pooh what he thinks of when he wakes up. Pooh replies, "What I'm eating for breakfast." Piglet says instead, "I wonder every morning what exciting thing will happen today."
Well, that's just awesome. It's a weird reminder that day to day life can be exuberant and joyful, rather than a monotony, and that each minute is an opportunity that someone else wishes they had. Love and happiness are available to us to give or receive at every moment, whether you believe in J.C. or not, and it is always nice to be reminded of this.

Also, the gig was awesome, simply because I got to improvise (with the youth group played a Latin song about Christ having risen) and I spontaneously played some solo Bach as a prelude and I owned that shit and I love it when you play in a church and everyone is just so gosh darn happy to have you there.


listening to: a dash of animal collective and mia. my hard drive failed on my macbook, so i'm not sure how my monstrous music collection fared on my external drive.

Sangha

I've come to realize that what i missed last year was sangha, or community. It doesn't matter what form the community takes- it doesn't have to be a yoga community, a buddhist community, or any other specific form, but just having people who are kind, thoughtful, and care about you. MJ and I had a small party on Saturday, and it was a great party- a nice mix of people came, and I made lavender chocolate cupcakes, and we realized "yes! we have more than 2 friends now!". We have a community of acquaintances, which we never really had last year much. She has some saxophone homies and I have some viola homies, but we have some non-sax-viola friends, which is nice. I also 'joined' (if you call it that) a buddhist sangha in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh, called the blooming lilac sangha, which met yesterday. It was only about 8-9 people, and we meditated for an hour, listened to a dharma talk, and had dharma discussion afterwards, and it was great. Everyone was so kind and welcoming, and this was the first of the three buddhist groups that really embraced me, which makes me want to return. The Tibetan group was very nice as well when I went, but there were too many people, and I sort of fell into the cascade of anonymity in the group. They also didn't meditate, which I really wanted anyway. The zen center people were nice, but the practice itself seemed too sterile for me, what with people wearing robes all the time, and the infamous "stick" that you hit people with. I also felt like I stuck out in the meditation, because I didn't have any fancy-pants robes to blend in with. But this group, Blooming Lilac, seems to be for me. In our discussion yesterday, everyone wanted to know what I did, where I was from, and everything else, and it was really quite nice to be supported already by a group of loving and caring people. Afterwards, I went to the studio viola party, and joined another sangha, to be cared for once again, and it was lovely. So yes, sangha is important, and it is one of the things I lacked last year. I look forward to having more caring people in my life again.

listening to: bjork, dark was the night, arcade fire, michael jackson

Religious Reticence

Let's face it- religion scares me. Not just any religion, but religions with scary implications, like Islam, Christianity, and Scientology, as well as any religious sect that tells its followers what to do precisely. As someone who grew up without any religion or religious background, I've always found Western religions to be somewhat puzzling, frightening, and intimidating. Here's some reasons why:

1) The sight of Jesus on the cross is a bit...well...frightening. There's a lot of suffering conveyed in that image- couldn't Jesus be a little happier? Why does he have to look so awful in every depiction, and why do people have to wear it around their necks? I know Christianity is about suffering, but it's about love too, isn't it?

2) Sunday school has always struck me as odd, even when I was a child and my friends went. It's a bit strange to have children color religious pictures and sing religious songs when they are not entirely aware of what's going on. I just never know what to make of it.

3) If religions are generally about love and care for other people, why do so few people practice that? Let's make a plan to do it, eh?Jesus was into caring, I bet Buddha was, and I imagine prophets didn't mind it as a principle.

4) It's always been hard for me to fathom scriptures where the body of text is fantastical, and yet people take it literally. I remember asking my dad once, 'so people really believe this stuff happened?' Now, I'm a little wiser, and I can see the metaphorical and symbolic beauty of these tales, but still...

Because of this experience with some other religions, I'm reticent to say "I'm a Buddhist." Or, "I just went on a Buddhist retreat." I find myself having to explain what I did or why I respect TNH because I don't want other people to think, "Oh, she's religious." That's a label with a lot of weight in our present day society, and it's not one that I'm ready to bear. I also feel like a sham because I'm not born into this philosophical phenomenon, and I almost feel like I'm stealing 1960's baby boomers' thunder. (Dharma Bums?) I myself have been able to get over this religious bias I have, mostly because I have met some truly wonderful, kind, and loving people of a wide range of religious backgrounds. While I would not necessarily want to subscribe to their religious beliefs, most of them have turned out ok in the long run, so religious-ness does not necessarily equate with "conservative-closed-minded-weirdo" as it does for so many. However, I realize that I am not exactly the norm in this thought process. Am I just a white yuppie from California "exploring" some hippie philosophy, or is it ok if this religious and spiritual tradition happens to resonate with me? I don't have the answers, and I don't know what to think of it.

For now, I'm a closet Buddhist.

Who am I?: Musings on "natural" deodorant and toothpaste and identity.

Who am I? - It's a question rife with material to feed a good therapy session for many a year. How can I (or you!) define ourselves when we have no constant personality which is unchanging? The way I am today is not how I am tomorrow, who I am today may not be who I am next Wednesday at Noon (hopefully I'll play more in tune by then). One of the challenges of this whole sucky injury process is that I've had to toss out my identities one by one, as my injury has impeded my ability at said activity. In Buddhist tradition, you are usually taught of "no-self" in that you are part of all things, and that the body and mind are just temporary trappings of this lifetime. It's ultimately the connection of you and me to all things; the idea that all things are truly interconnected. But really, in day to day life, how is that lofty ideal applicable? I haven't figured that out yet.

I am blonde, have wobbly bits, freckles on my hands, short toes, pencil lead in my right knee, etc. But I am not any of those things. Those are all changing states dependent on the body, the corporeal shell that houses other evanescent things. I used to think that I: played in tune, was strong, never got hurt, was a yogini, etc. Except I've had to can these labels, and reexamine who or what I am. Each day, I am relearning how to play the viola, so I definitely DO NOT play in tune, nor do I have an amazing left hand, since it currently still sucks, so that identity is gone. I'm obviously not as strong as I thought, since I suffered a knee injury, low back injury, tendonitis, and foot pain, all in the last 365 days. I never had notable pains before last year. I haven't done the yoga thing much, due to the paw. Most of the identities that I clung to are gone. I don't have an identity right now, or at least not one that's consistent. One day, I think I sound horrible, the next, someone compliments me on something, and wants to take a lesson with me. One day, m

y knee is feeling good, the next day, not so much. Everything is constantly changing: my body, my mind, my abilities or lack thereof, my behavior, and I have nothing to cling to. Without my vestiges of pride, I have had to absorb myself in the playing of others, helping others to improve, while slowly developing mine. I have had to sacrifice these identities to become something else, someone who allows each day, each emotion, each hurdle, to unfold as it will, and not to let it get in the way. Everything follows its own laws, and control freaks like me cannot control everything anymore. We never could.

In other news, I am on the search for a natural deodorant that leaves me feeling approachable. I am currently on the prowl, because I have conflicting feelings about the whole antiperspirant/deodorant thing. On one hand, antiperspirant is great for sports, hot days, performing, etc, when we all get shweaty. However, there are some questionable ingredients in antiperspirant, like aluminum and other goodies, which may cause cancer. (like everything!) But natural deodorant is a good idea in principle, except I feel like I have to reapply it every 5 hours if I want people to talk to me ever again. Maybe I'm a sweaty person. I don't know. The same is true for toothpaste. I know there is less junk in Tom's Toothpaste, but my teeth just don't feel as clean! Maybe it's the lack of baking soda or something, but my toothpaste just hasn't been cutting it. I want my teeth to feel sparkling clean and delicious, and frankly, they feel pretty weak after a scrubbing with Tom's. How can I save the planet, buy things that aren't going to cause cancer, and still have halfway decent breath and not reek? These are the issues I grapple with when I'm not bemoaning my intonation or identity.

Listening to: David Bowie. Because he's AWESOME.

Zen is Stupid

(ok so the pic gets a little cut off- here's the linkage)


So there's this podcast called "zen is stupid" which doesn't have a lot to do with zen, but meanders away from buddhism every few minutes.  But I appreciate the sentiment.  I don't necessarily think that zen is stupid, but I might agree to say "zen is weird."  But since I'm greedy with my knowledge, I've been trying to read about zen so I have a better idea of whether the RZC is "normal" or not.  I'm currently reading HardCore Zen, which is another one of those books like Noah Levine's which are geared at the late teenager, early twenties type, and use normal language and pop cultural references.  Each book has its strengths and weakness, and Levine's is certainly more of a "i was a huge asshole and i did all these terrible things and meditation saved me from a life of drugs and sex."  There's relatively little Buddhist philosophy in Levine's, but more of a bio.  Brad Warner's book, however, is roughly half and half, and I really appreciate his cynicism and skepticism.  He's someone who questions authority, doubts his zen master teachers, and continually analyzes the zen teachings.  I think if he was running a zendo, I wouldn't feel quite as awkward as I did this weekend.  Here are some of the points in his book that I thought were worth noting:

On Buddhism and drugs: "Drugs won't show you the truth.  Drugs will only show you what it's like to be on drugs." and later..."Why does an expanded consciousness (due to drugs) include the inability to operate a motor vehicle?"

"Ultimately it's always better to make people see how they can heal themselves...Real Buddhist teachers don't tell you about reality, they teach you to see reality for yourself, right now."

"Buddhism is about letting people know they do not need to follow any authority.  If you need an authority figure, go somewhere else."

About lofty causes and day-to-day life: "Stop the racist, gay-bashing Nazis from going to war to club baby seals in the burning South American rainforests if you want-but also clean your room." and earlier  "When you decide that helping feed homeless transgender crack addicts to the baby whales-or whatever- is somehow more worthy than helping your mom clean the dead squirrel out of the gutters, that's when you get in trouble."  His point here is not that we shouldn't do philanthropy, but that it should affect all of our life.  We shouldn't be saving the world and then bitching our friends out or leaving messes everywhere.  I like that idea.  It's the idea that all good work is important and we are all connected.

And then lastly, on death:  'A guy walks up to a zen master and asks, "is there life after death?"  The zen masters says, "How should I know?" The guy replies indignantly, "because you're a Zen masters!" "Yes," says the Zen master, " but not a dead one."'  The point he makes here is that no one in any religion KNOWS where we go after life, and as humans, we are constantly looking for the next step rather than the present.  But Warner suggests that we should instead think of the present as the only life, since you don't know what's next.  He also counters this by saying later in the book that we are all always part of the universe, no matter what.  So it's really not that bleak.

Anyway, that's all my kernels of wisdom for today.  Now off to study the Renaissance.

Currently listening to: Renaissance polyphonic vocal music and dharma talks.

Adventures in Buddhism, pt. 1

So I've been curious and desirous of joining a Buddhist sangha, or community, for the last few months.  The two main ones here in Rochester are the zen center and the tibetan White Lotus group.  Both places have been really interesting experiences, and both places have been weird.  

I most recently went to the zen center this weekend- on Saturday I did the introductory day of meditation and whatnot, and on Sunday, I went to traditional services at ahem, 8:30 AM.

Zen is intense, a little scary, and very serious.  I was kinda frightened for most of Sunday.  We started off the morning sitting, facing the wall, for about an hour, which is fine, but I'm weirded out by the stick that you hit people with.  That's a little strange for me.  I also felt a little odd to not be wearing meditation robes like almost everyone else- I definitely stuck out like a sore thumb, but I also have no desire to wear a russet potato colored robe to conform.  The chanting was almost creepy to me, since it wasn't natural speaking but instead somewhat monotone with occasional predetermined fluctuations.  The zen center is absolutely beautiful, both indoors and out, and is just a wonderful space.  It's hard for me to imagine how zen has appealed to such a group of benign 40-70 year olds, but I can certainly respect that.  I love how zen has such a focus on meditation- I really think that's excellent.  But the rest of zen seems to either be denying you your earthly life (like when I was informed that reading is in excess...) or telling you  that nothing is real (obviously).  I also felt like the meditation practice was a little stiff in that you don't meditate on anything in particular, you really just meditate on the breath.  I think that's a great practice sometimes, but I really like my lovingkindness meditations and mindfulness.  I don't know if I can keep up with all the zen rituals: when to bow, when to stand, when to chant, and I don't know if I really want to.  It all really intimidated me and made spirituality cold and impersonal.

Tibetan Buddhism, on the other hand...is the opposite.  I went a few weeks ago and was somewhat shocked at the demographic of nice middle aged white folks practicing in what seemed like Buddhism on speed.  The alter room is ridiculously colorful and bright, with all sorts of different offerings and pictures of different deities.  I was also a little weirded out by that service, since there was no meditation, only prayer, but now I understand that for that school, prayer, chanting, and other things are another path through Buddhism, whereas other schools really focus on the meditation (like zen.)  I'll probably go back this Sunday just so I can see if it's better 2nd time around.  I know that neither of these places are really my style, but I really just want to be part of a community, and I think I need to join at least one of them...

Listening to: Renaissance music and "dark was the night" compilation

Thoughts on Love

Today, I have to return my Thich Nhat Hanh book "Teachings on Love" and rather than write down my favorite passages, I'm just going to string them on here, since that way, I won't lose them.  He's a brilliant monk, and his thoughts aren't necessarily Buddhist-specific, although they can be.  He's just quite insightful, I'd say.

"Happiness is only possible with true love...For love to be true, it must contain compassion, joy, and equanimity."

Some lovingkindness meditations:

"May everyone be happy and safe, and may their hearts be filled with joy.  

May all living beings live in security and peace, beings who are frail or strong, tall or short, big or small, visible or not visible, near or far away, already born, or yet to be born.  May all of them dwell in perfect tranquility."

"May I/he/they be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.  May I be safe and free from injury.  May i be free from anger, afflictions, fear, and anxiety."

"Never in human  history have we had so many means of communication- television, radio, telephone, fax, email, the web- yet we remain islands, with little communication between family members, individuals in society, or nations."

"We meed to know the art of making the other person happy.  Art is the essence of life.  We have to learn the art of creating happiness."

"If you think you are alone, that is an illusion.  Our smile is also the smile of others.  Our suffering is the suffering others.  To see this is the realization of no-self.  You can touch the elements of happiness that are already here and be peace in the present moment.  It depends on your way of looking.   Please learn and practice the art of mindful living, th

e art of being happy and bringing happiness to others.  This is love.  This is living deeply in the present moment.  We rely on you to do it."

I just happened to find this book very interesting.  I would recommend it to anyone seeking to change their perspective on love.  It might be too whacko for some, but I liked it. 

Currently listening to: Arvo Part's choral works and Brian Eno's Music for Airports.

Dying Gazelles that Meditate

I went for a run today.

Oh wait, let me clarify.  Before you get this idea of me in my adidas' finest, let me warn you that I'm a terrible runner.  I lack speed, I lack endurance, and I just lack.  Running makes me legs sore, makes me out of breath, and makes me heart feel like it will break, and not because it's full of love.  I look like a dying gazelle when I'm running- my shorts ride up, my bosoms bounce excessively, and if I was in twilight, then i would be the deer that the cullens devour.  I haven't gone running in almost a year, since my knee injury gave me an excellent excuse not to run.  now, you may be wondering why I would subject myself to running if it's something I'm not good at.  Running is the quintessential exercise- if you see an advertisement for fitness or fine athletic footwear, the protagonists are always running.  It's a testament to one's physical capabilities if one can run, and once upon a time, I could actually sort of run.  i love yoga, but i need to be hot and sweaty to feel good, and no other form of exercise kicks my ass as much as running .  So, running is like walking my yogic edge even though i hate it.   anyway, we'll see how it feels tomorrow, and if i can get out of bed...

lately, i've been quite fascinated with buddhism and meditation.  i hope not to become one of those stereotypical new-age wealthy white women who uses their disposable income to dabble in eastern philosophy and yoga while wearing uber expensive clothing and driving fancy cars.  but i do find it so fascinating.  i've never had a religion, and i know i could never subscribe to a sect of christianity.  there's something about most other religions that doesn't work for me.  I personally can't put my faith in deities at this point in my life, but I respect anyone's desire to do so.  I believe that all religions hope to give guidance to humans about how to conduct life, how to love, and what the purpose of life is.  if someone else can find that guidance in a religion with a god, then good for them.  if you can find the path to love and the capacity to share love, then you've found a good path for yourself.

What appeals to me about buddhism is that there is no god, no set of values that are automatically imposed on me.  i don't know if this is a stupid fleeting interest, but i hope it's not.  Meditating makes me feel so much better, whether about conflicts, others, or myself.  Any "philosophy" that suggests frequent meditation, and that endorses love, compassion, and care for all beings is so alluring.  I also feel like the buddha's teachings aren't really religious, but more like philosophical statements that can be applied to other religions and experiences.  The 'rewards' of buddhist nirvana and reincarnation are not really the goal, but can't hurt.  anyway, i'm considering going to a dharma talk and meditation this sunday at a tibetan buddhist center in rochester.  i'm a little afraid though, that i'll be perceived as a fraud, because i'm not exactly tibetan and i'm as white as white cheddar.  but it's time to try out things and be brave like a running gazelle.