Where Have I been?

Where have I been, you may be asking. Well, let me tell you what's been shaking:
October was crazy, to put it mildly. To be put in three orchestral cycles simultaneously, all why trying to play the Debussy quartet somewhat in tune, and occasionally practicing my own repertoire...just didn't work out all that well. On the optimistic side, I could say, "Hey!  At least you're playing with people and making a miniscule amount of money to be playing your instrument."  Yes, this is true.  And I am somewhat grateful for that.  But in the more blunt side of things, it means that I'm overextended, and that yes, there are still boxes in my room that haven't been unpacked.  And there are pictures that haven't been hung on the walls.  And I only can go to yoga once a week, in terms of time and schedule management.  It's kind of unfortunate, and I'm working on that.  It definitely makes me appreciate my limited time in Rochester, in which there simply wasn't enough to do, in comparison to here, where there's just too much to do.  It's a tricky balance, I suppose, and I'm definitely not balanced.  I have, however, been doing some running, with a medium amount of knee discomfort, and I don't suck at running as much as I used to, which is pretty darn exciting.  I bought some of those silly "Five Fingers" shoes, which were really helping with my knee issues, but now it's acting up again, and I'm not sure what to do except not run as much and make an acupuncture appointment.  We'll see.
I'm also a little overwhelmed in working to make Kim's concert series a success.  The way it is now, I'm having to answer to tons of different people in order to get anything done, and it mostly doesn't accomplish anything.  With that in mind, I'm starting to rely on other people less and less, and I'm trying to eliminate the weaker aspects of this partnership.  I think, at the end of the day, I just hate doing "group" projects when everyone isn't equally committed to getting things done.  I've always been a bit of a lone ranger-between the whole music thing, the single thing, the tennis/yoga/running, and my earlier-in-life-lack-of-friends, I've always just preferred going it alone, i.e. getting things done on my own, and telling someone else what needs to get done.  I don't mind team projects in principal, it's just that people often suck at taking initiative, doing what you agree needs to get done, or trusting in your contributions.  With that said, I've made some awesome progress with this whole "Music For Food For Music" endeavor, and I'm learning the ropes at wordpress to make our own website musicfoodmusic.com  (It won't show up yet-it's still adjusting to it's new domain!)  It's not fancy, I don't love the fonts, and I'm not paying for the subscription with the fancy CSS stuff yet, until I have someone who can help me, but it has all of the information on it, and I'm getting the gist of what I'm doing.  And most of all, it's useful to my life and career, but it's teaching me website design on a very basic level.  So ha.  Take that, world!

On an optimistic end, I'm playing some cool repertoire now, if I get around to practicing, and I'm feeling like I don't totally suck at the viola, which is awesome.  I'm also looking forward to playing with a Kirtan singer in Boston.

In the zone. (the pwn zone?)

Ah, yes. The post we have all been waiting for. For those of you not privileged enough to be living in Rochester, the pinnacle of musical development in the united states o' america, you have probably been wondering how my Harold in Italy concert went. The short answer? It was most excellent.

My photos haven't been edited yet by my trusty photojournalist friend, so needless to say, you will all have to wait to see "the dress" of infamy, but i got a lot of compliments on it, and I was just happy that i could wear an entirely normal and supportive bra. Here are some points of interest though:

1) I started to get sick days before the concert, losing both my voice and my energy. The result was that I stopped worrying about things, because I didn't really have the energy to do so.

2) My mom came and visited me Sat-Tuesday, and since my mom isn't a musician, she didn't really understand that I might need time to panic or freak out. Instead, she treated it like a normal vacation, and we did fun things, which helped me to get perspective on everything and chill out.

3) We had an exceptionally mediocre dress rehearsal on Monday, which was great, because the concert went about a gazillion times better. I've generally discovered that mediocre rehearsals beget great concerts because people suddenly snap into focus, whereas really amazing rehearsals give people an unfortunate sense of comfort.

4) I had been nervous in some shape or form for all of the rehearsals. Yes, all of them. First of all, it's scary to get in front of an orchestra and claim ownership of viola-dom, especially with a slightly lame piece like this one. I had been worried the whole time that people would be judging me, comparing me to the violinist from the first half of the program (world's worst vln concerto: vieuxtemps 5) which featured showy filigree, whereas mine didn't feature much of anything. After a week and a half of that fear, I was finally able to let go of it on the day of the concert. It goes to show you that no matter how confident you "should" feel, self judgment is the hardest judge, not others' opinions. I do wish i could've been at the helm of a better piece, or at least a piece that features my skills better, but in the moment of truth, I had to love. I had to love my audience, myself, my viola, and my playing. Even when I missed a shift here or there, I had to gather my energy, my forces, and project them like a ball of white light. When i was finally able to be "as kind to myself as I would be towards others," I was able to project the emotion and intensity that the piece required.

All in all, I was pretty pleased with it. I had more compliments about my dress than I ever thought possible, and despite the stress and brief amount of time I had to work on it, it sounded decent. Yes, I wish I had more than a week and a half after my NEC audition, but...these things are out of my control. It's good to know that I can overcome personal challenges in order to reveal the music in the end.

Meeting Myself Again

I apparently don't always handle stress well. In fact, I'm not entirely sure why I'm that stressed to begin with, because my NEC audition should not be fueling this much anxiety. I know the teachers there, I'm better prepared than I was for my masters' audition, and the teachers like me enough that I should feel moderately comfortable in my audition. However, last week, my insides were in agony- I wasn't hungry, I was having constant stomach cramps, and food wasn't exiting my body much. I was experiencing the very direct negative affects of stress on my body. I had never really seen anything like that happen before- I've obviously been stressed in my life, but I'd never seen my body just shut down and stop working because of it. After a few very difficult days, I was told that I needed to:

"Give yourself a fucking break."

Seriously. I was bummed that my studio class performance hadn't been amazing amazing and I was upset. And I realized that MJ was right- I wasn't giving myself the benefits of positivity or industriousness or anything. I associate hard work and productivity with a certain amount of anxiety and resistance. So that has become my week's work. Rather than allow myself to freak out, I needed to create space in my mind and my heart, so that I could be productive but also be happy. (Fancy that!)

It also made me realize that I expect a lot from my friends in times like this, and that perhaps ask too much of them. When did I become an extrovert when it comes to anxiety? I don't remember. Sometimes, it seems like these intense emotions are such a burden to share with others, especially when that other is just a friend and not family or a significant other. I don't think I used to reveal so much of myself in this way-perhaps isolated living has made me different, dependent on others in new ways. I frankly don't know. The bottom lines is that I have been abusing myself semi-willingly for most of the semester, and I need to get acquainted with myself, in a nicer way. My body yearns for the space of meditation and the timelessness of yoga-why can't I have time to do these things? Because I'm not making time. If I spend 3-6 hours at the viola, I come home between 10 and 11 and I crash. Yoga? Meditation? SLEEP trumps all. But the truth is that I need to make time for myself. I need to allow myself to breathe in the present moment. All of these things that I believe in- mindfulness, inner space, freedom from thoughts-I've been forgetting at the time that I need them the most. Now. I've instead been relying on my friends to keep me sane when I in fact need to do that for myself. I have the tools- I just need to do it.

At the end of the day, I'm responsible for how I feel. My workload should not directly affect my every waking moment and I have the option of changing my emotional landscape. I just need to take charge.

Leaving

I'm driving to Boston today for a moderately humorous audition tomorrow for Yellow Barn, which I'm 95% sure I won't get into, but I'm trying to be optimistic about it being a "positive performance experience." In other words, I'm bullshitting. I'm also trying not to stress out too much, since being stressed has:
1) Made me lose my appetite and my ability to process food.
2) Made me tired all of the time, even after 8-9 hours of sleep.
3) Made me grumpy.
Hopefully, this weekend will diffuse my stress, or at least 6 hours in a car will do that? We'll see. In other news, I'm happy to see some friends in Boston, like Julia! And spend some time with her roomies, and be immersed in the liberal feminist mormon experience. So yes, this will eventually be a good trip, once I chill the f*ck out. (And why won't Itunes open? I haven't been able to open it for a week, which is unfortunate, and I can't update my phone or listen to Contra, except in the car. Suggestions appreciated.)

Stressed like whoah

I've been stressed...like whoah? since I've gotten back to rochester. I have a ridiculous amount of shit to deal with right now, in terms of auditions and repertoire and concerts and travel and money, and it's all pressing down on me. I also have no idea what I'll be doing next year, and frankly, that scares me...a lot! I have three auditions for "things to do next year" but I don't have time to obsess about any of them in detail, which is rather inconvenient. I also don't know when I'll have time to focus on the New world excerpts on learn Harold in Italy. Aack!!!! I guess part of the problem is that I just don't feel prepared for anything. I know that's not rationally true, but it's damn frustrating. I simply can't play the last movement of the arpeggione sonata amazingly. I don't have the penderecki solidly memorized. I have three weeks. (i guess it could be worse. people do pull their shit together in less time than that, and are simply less prepared than i am.) on the bright side, here's my recording of the loop from the ligeti sonata that i recorded last week.

While I hate doing videos of myself, Bang on a can wanted a video, and i didn't have time to burn a video, since that takes about 45 minutes, so i just put it on youtube and sent them a link. Also, on the bright side, I didn't pass prescreening for Yale or the academy, which is frankly, two less things to truly worry about. I just have a little more room to breathe. Which I need to do.

listening to: the new vampire weekend album

The Sublime and the tragic

I had a very stressful week, what with the women in charge wielding a heavy hammer at my ego and my soul. (Did I mention that my ego feels needy and weak? Like it should be breast-fed?) However, a few events of presto-change-o quickness got me out of my own little world, at least for two days.

1) Someone from my high school, a year older than me, just died of cancer this past week. It wasn't someone I was close with, but someone I knew- a popular boy who was always MVP for soccer and football and whatnot. His is the second young adult cancer death from my high school, and the third or fourth cancer diagnosis of someone under 23 that I've known. Scary.

2) My pianist extraordinaire, Futaba, made it to the finals of a huge major international competition, Concert Artists Guild! This is an amazing opportunity for her, and I'm so excited for her.

3) I found out that my teacher, Carol, was misdiagnosed for her tendonitis, and actually has a lot more than bone spurs growing in her arm. It is highly likely that she will have to undergo invasive surgery, and needless to say, she's pretty damn upset.

Anyone, I realized that even when I'm really stressed, it helps to realize that there's more than just me. Or at least, if I look outside my situation, it will make my plight look much better. (i.e. carol would kill to be able to play viola right now, and would probably weather any emotional storms to do it.) It's when we dwell so much on ourselves that we can only suffer in solitude that we really do internal damage.

Under Pressure

I've been wanting to post something for a while, but I simply haven't had time. I mean literally, haven't had time to do much of anything recreational. This was more applicable last week before my rinky dink fall break happened, but the tension is escalating again, and well, it's still relevant. So, if I had to pick ONE song that entirely encapsulated the 2009 fall school year, it would be this song. (Too bad I can't either sing like Freddy or David, nor do I have the same androgynous appeal.)

These last few weeks have been SO intense for me! I feel bad for MJ because I haven't had time to hang out, and I feel like a subpar friend. I've also been neglecting many of my friends, because each day, I struggle to make time for a few hours of practicing, which is a bigger challenge than it should be. I've taken to a whole new "workaholic" style schedule- wake up at 7:15, kicking ass in a practice room with green tea by 8 AM, coming home by 9 something, exercising or going to work at the radio station, returning home, practicing, going to class, practicing, blah, blah, blah, eating odd foods for meals, such as apples and raw cheddar cheese, and subsisting on mass quantities of green tea. I used to never do any work after 9 PM- that was my relaxing time. Now, it's prime productivity time! Anyway, I've been feeling overwhelmed with the craziness, and I've realized it's because all of the "powerful" people in my life are intense women. Carol has been pretty intense lately, even though I'm working harder than I ever have and I'm practicing more. I think it's because she can't play much, and she's living vicariously through me to get me up to her intense standards. Either that, or she's melancholy about the injury and is projecting that frustration on me. Or neither. And then my radio station boss is also a woman, also crazy, and very intense. Sometimes she'll tell me to do things without really explaining what to do, and then I'll ask her a question about it and she'll just FLIP OUT. Like yesterday, she told me I had to save a pair of tickets for Marianne. But I have no idea who the hell that is???? So I didn't fill out a piece of paper right, and she lost it, and then told me that Marianne was the Saturday afternoon opera announcer. Well, I never come in on Saturdays, and I only know the weekday folks! My boss is always stressed out, and sometimes, she just flips out for no reason- I've had some really great one liners like, "Well, clearly, math SUCKS for you, doesn't it?" or the more typical "What ARE you doing there? We can't play Gershwin- it's too modern!" So, that's two folks applying the pressure liberally. And then, uh, orchestra excerpts is a bit too intense, because the woman running it is very blunt, and not very complimentary, so even if you practice a lot, she just goes in for the kill, and gives a half-assed compliment in the beginning, just so you don't feel too insecure. Pressure point #3. And lastly, my dear old teaching job is a little insane because of their intense disorganization, and it doesn't help when the kids start yelling and screaming, not because I've done anything wrong, but because they're not quite with it. Needless to say, I've being assaulted some days, or actually most days. A year ago, I was utterly and completely bored, and had nothing to do. Now I have plenty to do, but I'm so overwhelmed that I'm barely making it through the weeks. balance perhaps? Maybe next time. For now, I'll just have to enjoy that $700 monthly paycheck...