Let's Be Honest

Let's be honest, folks-this new year has definitely sucked.  In more ways than I would like to count.  I spent the first 6 weeks of my miami time trying to get people to realize that I was still there-that I wasn't just a regular sub, and yes, I was here last week and the week before that.  I've finally got that covered-over half of the orchestra has stopped completely ignoring me in the hallways, and that's a relief.  Granted, I still spend many of my evenings by myself, and I don't get invited to do things all that often, but at least I'm not being ignored every day like the first few weeks.  It was really hard to leave Boston mid-school-year, and then join things down here mid-season, and not get properly introduced to anyone.  On one hand, I don't blame people for ignoring me-I always sit in the last two stands of the viola section, I don't have a mailbox, or an ID card, I'm not in the programs, and I'm never in anything special, in terms of smaller ensemble stuff.  I'm sort of in limbo-I have one of the teeniest rooms, and I'm permanently viola #7-8, depending on the week.  (This week, two people are absent, so I no longer have to sit directly in front of the trumpets, and I'll be viola #6.)  I was pretty much socially fucked down here, which was even more frustrating because I live in a dorm, in which everyone knows everyone else's business.  So I could hear lots of other people being social, but I was (and mostly am) not still part of it.  I had just spent a few fabulously busy, stressful, and socially awesome months in Boston, in which I was very comfortable, working with teachers that I'd known for many years, and having friends from different parts of my life.  (NEC undergrad time, eastman time, new NEC friends, banff friends, etc.) It was actually pretty excellent, in many ways, obviously not in all ways though.  I wasn't practicing enough, I was working too much, and I was eating sporadically.  I just didn't feel that great about my playing (and I still don't) and I know now that I need to actually work on that part.  To leave such a comfortable environment, complete with a lovely mischievous cat, made January hellish, at best.  February came, with promises of Boston, which were still excellent, despite many unforseen hurdles (friend's grandmother dying, mediocre auditions, weird interactions with some of my friends).  The trip back from Boston was hard-I cried the evening before I left, and not just because I was having drinks with friends.  I knew that this time, my trip to South Beach was the long hall-a good 12 weeks, and I wouldn't see most of my good friends for that entire duration, and quite frankly, that scared the crap out of me.  All of these things combine to make me moody and sulky, and perplexed about how to make things better.  I've  taken the first step though-I've let New World know that I'm not returning next season, and that I'd like to finish my b.s. degree at NEC.  And boy does that feel good.
I know that happiness is as much a state of mind, as well as a reaction to current events.  You can be happy in shitty times, and you can be sad in what would be construed as awesome times (me! me!).  I'm working on that, as best I can.  Now I can see the light at the end of the sunny tropical tunnel, and I know that everything will be ok.  Yes, there are still some very rude and snarky girls here, and there are still a good 15 people that completely ignore me, no matter what the situation.  However, I'm ready to deal with that, and I'm ready to deal with myself-my issues, my occasional performance anxiety, and my fears.  (more on that another time).  It's time to make this South Beach time about me-it's definitely not going to be about anyone else.  It's time to work on some musical projects that will really make me happy, to set goals that will make this situation more bearable, if not pleasant.

Musical Goals: learn and record violin phase (duh, on viola) by May
learn a few movements of Kurtag 'signs, games, and messages'
start serious work on the Bach D Minor Violin Partita!
perfect the tricky Garth Knox pizzicato etude
have a few lessons with Ralph Fielding

Life goals: run a 5k in march, run a 10k in April or May
yoga class 2-3 times a week
Work on gaining confidence in audition and performance situations

and lastly, believing in myself, and my worth as a human being.  Sappy, but always a relevant problem for me.

I'm Beginning to Be Ok here.

I'm conflicted about being here, that's for sure.  It's very strange, in many ways.  It's like a socialogical study in strangeness, when it comes to the people, but it's such a lovely ensemble to play in (aside from the fact that I've probably had considerable hearing damage from the past 3 weeks, and I have to wear earplugs through most all rehearsals less I have trombone/trumpet caused ringing in my ears) and it's an amazingly beautiful city and area in most ways.  I sometimes get really frustrated with the people and the whole social situation, which is pretty much dysfunctional in the highest.  I've had conversations with many people in the orchestra, and even though I live and see them every day, they don't say hi.  It's ridiculous.  I know people still think I'm a sub, which is fine, but I'm just getting tired of always having to explain myself, "no, I'll be here for the next four months, so it'd be cool if you said hi sometimes, because I'm going to think you're a bitch otherwise, and please don't friend me on facebook if you don't say hi to me in the Plymouth, because that means you're lame."  I've had that from a lot of people here, and I'm just amazed at the social amatureness of these folks.  It shouldn't matter if I'm a sub or not-common courtesy still exists, and you should say hi to people or smile at people that are in the same fucking orchestra that you play in for 3-6 hours a day.  Duh.  So anyway, that being said, I'm finding my way, and doing my own thing.  Yes, I do have a few friends here, but I don't have anyone that's really been my friend throughout the last few years, and it's hard to go from having close friends of longevity, to making new acquaintances that aren't really sure whether or not to invest in you personally, because you might leave.  Now that I've figured that out, I'm not so concerned, because I just don't care.  I initially felt like such an intruder on this pre-existent social hierarchy, but now that I've seen most people interact with each other, I'm not as concerned about my lack of social skills, frankly.  ( Pool-side Keg parties will bring out some suspect personality traits in folks.)I'm doing ok doing most things on my own, and that's how it's going to be, it seems.  I think I went the whole day without interacting with anyone, except for two brief conversations in the Plymouth.  But it was ok!  I ran 4.5 miles in 40 mins, which is terrific, and whenever I get concerned about my social well-being, I just go for a run at sunset, and get pummeled by the infinite beauty and wisdom of this little island at the end of the world.   You couldn't wish for a more beautiful crepuscular run.

People are starting to talk to me, little by little-I'm just impatient for people to get with it.  But for the next two weeks, I'm focusing on my trip to Boston, and my festival auditions, and that gives me enough to concern myself with that none of this really matters, except improving my tan.  That definitely matters.

Listening to: Sigur Ros

Hip Pix

I'm starting to enjoy this posh beach life, and I'm also obsessed with this iphone pic app, hipstamatic.  Here's some of its handiwork...

Or these very nice Miami beachline ones.

I'm totally obsessed, now that I have so much time to be obsessed.  (Although I am not a total slug-I am slogging my way through Moby Dick, running on the beach, working on my tan, and practicing.)

Listening to: R.Kelly remixes.  Who woulda thought?

Endless

So I'm getting sort of settled here in South Beach, and I still can't stop listening to the rap/hip hop.  Like this




I totally have it stuck in my head, and I'm not sure why exactly, because it's not a great song, but it, along with a ton of mashups, is stuck in my head.  Any time I walk around South Beach, I hear hip hop and rap and electronic music, and that's starting to make me only listen to poppy stuff.  It's crazy.  Hopefully, I'll get over it soon.  Classical orchestra by day, hip hop by night.  Also like the new Kanye album.  Definitely recommend it.  I've listened to Runaway a gazillion times in the last week.

A Change of scene

I have arrived in Miami, for part one of my vacation.  The orchestra sounds great, the new hall is beautiful, and the weather has been fabulous.  I went for an amazing run on the beach today, and it was 75.  On the flip side, I have an amazing group of friends in Boston, and I already miss them dearly.  I only have one friend here, and I'm trying to keep from clinging to him like a barnacle, just so that he doesn't end up going batshit crazy with me so early in my time here.  I've already accepted that there will be a bit of a social transition, simply because I haven't done many orchestral festivals, and I don't know a majority of the people in this scene.  I'm sure I'll be fine-it's just not NEC where I came back, and was welcomed with open arms and a bevy of friends, old and new.  (The violists here are NOT as cool as the ones in my studio at NEC).    Anyway, I'm curious to see how this goes, and what people I end up meeting and hanging out with.  I also have to decide how I'm going to pace next semester, since I can't go out every night and just not practice...especially since I'm not sold on this whole orchestral festival thing.  But for now, it's a lovely vacation, with a few close friends, and a really loud brass section to sit in front of.

listening to: kanye's new album, lady gaga, and some beyonce.  I'm in the mood for a dance party.