Contemplating My Relaxation

I had my first (of probably, at least a few) New World Audition this week. And it was ok, actually. The solos were way better than I expected, and the excerpts a little dodgier than expected, but all around, a solid B experience. They were very nice, and I'm realizing that I don't totally suck at excerpts, even if the snarmy coach here acts like I do. I have a few goals for the next year, and one of them is gaining confidence in playing excerpts for auditions. It's so silly that I love playing music for people, even in an audition situation, but I freeze up and get all mechanical in excerpt time, because I feel like everyone is just waiting for you to fuck up. (And well, that's sort of true.) But, I think if I have a more supportive excerpt coach, I may be able to eliminated the negative psychological repercussions of this year's excerpting. Because it's silly that I'm so confident and expressive in regular music, but that I freeze and panic in excerpts, either because I've had such harsh coachings, or because I believe internally that I am just not good at them. It is time to arrest that notion and to move on!

In other words, I'm vacillating between relaxation and minor stress (nothing compared to the last few months, though) because I have to play a few (guess what?) excerpts in a master class today, and because our contemporary ensemble is performing a bitch-ass-hard contemporary piece, and I haven't been to many rehearsals, and I'm petrified. (Wolfgang Rihm=freaking scary German shit, with somewhere between 12-32 notes per bar. No good.) I'm also really looking forward to my recital, once I get everything learned! I just have to finish off the Bach and learn the whole Shostakovich, which should definitely be doable, based on how long it normally takes me to learn things. I'm also a little bummed that I was wait-listed for Lucerne and Domaine Forget chamber music, but I already have answers in my mind:

a) Molly and Rose got into Lucerne, and they are quite a bit older than me, meaning that they are rather close to the cutoff age for that, and I'm pretty far off, so I can still try again.

b) I'm not Canadian, nor do I go to McGill or Glenn Gould, nor do I know any of the Domaine faculty. They also only take a handful of violas, and I imagine many of them keep coming back, so...

But honestly, I just wanted to go to a free festival, since I've never gotten into one before, and I've never really gotten into anything special or awesome before. Oh well! Now, just to decide whether to go to Banff or Bang on a Can. (Mountains/4 star resort or potentially good experience playing contemporary stuff?) TBD.

For now, I'll just keep being lazy.

listening to: the free urban outfitters samplers LSTN 8

Words of Wisdom from the Trenches

My awesome pianist friend wrote my a very eloquent email last night in response to my blog, and I thought, since it's a hot topic, that you all should read it.

Hi Kayleigh,

Are you back in Rochester? It’s been sunny! and it’s warmer! I hope you don’t mind that I’m commenting on your blog post. As long as we are musician and are seeking a career in music, we share and struggle with this “endless” topic, I believe… So, here I wrote what I think about it and answers to some of your questions.

Fact 1: I get more rejection letters than acceptance letters. –but, I don’t actually remember them(rejections), because it’s not worth thinking about people who rejected me!
Fact 2: I was told to quit piano, because I suck at it, when I was in high school. –It took my entire undergrad to believe in myself again. And, I was told the same thing again by a different person much later, too.
Fact 3: I thought of quitting piano again in my masters at NEC, because I was very depressed by the fact I was not one of the successful ones in what I do.
Fact 4: Here I am in my doctoral study. I’m still striving for the same path of what I want to do.

Do you know exactly what you want to do with music and in your career? Can you picture yourself what kind of every day life and where you would be in 3 or 5 years? If you could answer this question (whatever the answer is –so many people end up with wherever his/her love-partner is.), I think, you are done.

I often think of some other people’s fact too: for examples, 1) my admirable current teacher, she did not settle until about 10 years ago, 2) my amazing studio pianist who won the CAG and has concert tour all the time, she now has to find a real management in order to continue her current concert-life. And, she will be facing to the pressure throughout her life if she wants it.

--"Do these festivals realize that so many of us tie our sense of self-worth with our ability to be successful in this front? Do these people know that hearts are broken because of this?" –It’s not worth thinking how much they care about our internal state of hapiness. I have an unopened rejection letter in my room, which I will never open…

--"How can we, as the sometimes rejected, keep up our sense of self-worth when we are constantly rejected from festivals/programs/more?" –Musicians need to be (or try to be, if you are not naturally one of these people) SELF-INDULGENT, so that you can keep believing in what you do.

--When do we acknowledge that point? The tipping point between dreams and reality? --you don’t stop trying unless you decide not to anymore. And, I think it’s important that somewhere in your mind you SEPARATE your music and your career progression. Ideally, The reality should always reflect what you deserve though it clearly does not work that way all the time. You should love what you do regardless of what’s happening to the reality.

I really want to tell you that it is my honest feeling that I was not disappointed by the result of CAG last year. Of course, I was mad, but sad. Because, at that time, I knew I made some progress in my playing by having a chance to compete in the competition, and I wouldn’t have been able to make the progress unless I did it. And, my self-improvement mattered for me. I will try again...

When I was depressed in my masters, I couldn’t save myself then. It was actually the time I met more local jazz musicians in Boston, found to do improv, and did more outside gigs. And, I just LOVED playing wherever and whatever music. Playing in church masses has been equally important in this regard, because I can do improv there!

Ah, one more question.

-- would you be very happy during that search? --I'm quite content now with what I'm doing. Well, a bit overwhelmed by how much I have to do in school perhaps... But, I get worried when I'm not busy.

Here are some thoughts that my mom taught me and I still believe in.

If you believe in what you do, you will eventually succeed.
If you don’t dream of what you want, you will never become of it.
The effort and the time you devoted for the thing you desire will never be wasted. You will get what you deserve in the end.

Do you think it’s silly to believe in them? I'm curious to know what you think. You can completely deny my thinking, because this is totally depending on my current thinking and my experience so far. I don’t know how I would be thinking differently next year.

Hope this isn’t an annoying long letter for you. I couldn’t help writing, because we all share this topic.

Futaba

I love her response and hope that those of you who are feeling lost and frustrated musically will continue on your journey with more courage and belief in yourself!

after the break-up (with harold, that is)

Now that the excess snot has been expelled from my nose, I have so much space in my head...for thinking! Actually, I think I just have the space to not be stressed right now. Now that immediate and important concert/audition deadlines are minimal, I feel like I have so much time-to do everything! It's quite exciting. Granted, I haven't been seriously shredding my excerpts for my New World audition in two weeks. Nope, not at all. I know it's just a post-Harold bliss fest, especially since I was really sick for the two days after, but I also realize that I need to get it together. I'm also seriously chiseling away at the stack of work due this week. *Nothing says nerd like doing Baroque performance practice homework on a Saturday night, right?* But seriously, I know that my chances of getting into nws are slightly slim, slimmer than my man calves, and it's hard to get motivated. I also found out that roger tapping wants me to come to nec, which has sort of sapped my energy for the audition.

(Yes. I'm wanted and liked by more people than just carol and erin kirby! Score! He sent a very polite and entertaining email that was like "I really enjoyed your audition and hope you're interested in coming. I'm working with admissions to make your official offer, but I do rather hope you'll consider coming." Duh.)

Anyways, yay for me! Out of six applications, I may have gotten four rejections, but so far, one very important tentative acceptance.

In other news, I'm experiencing the yoga resurgence. My arms/wrists have been very cooperative as of late, and I've been going to 2-3 classes a week, and I've realized how much I miss yoga. Yes, I can do it at home, and sometimes, I can get really focused and have a good home practice. But sometimes, I've just longed for a warm, supportive community and an inspiring teacher, and I've finally found my home! One of the teachers I liked at another studio just opened her own studio, and it is my new home. When I initially moved to Rochester, I was really disappointed in the yoga scene. I was younger than most of my fellow yogis by 20 years, and well, that was a bit odd. Whereas Boston was this thriving yoga and yoga lifestyle community, I felt like I stood out a bit, with my interest in challenging poses (even if I can't usually do them) and my hope in getting some good perspiration along with my inspiration. Now I've realized again that you can learn something from all teachers, depending on your openness with the situation. I've found that anusura gives me the length and the stretch that my body aches for, without putting me through the sun salutation paces or making me feel incompetent because I can't do weird ass poses. While I don't know if I can practice anusura forever, I really appreciate the spirituality of the poses and the focus on what you can do, rather than what you can't. When I look at myself, it's easy to see the things I can't do, but I never feel like I'm out of my league in class. I don't get scared that the teachers won't be able to modify, or that I'm not wearing cool and awesome lululemon tank tops like my classmates. (They're just wearing tee-shirts and are probably post menopausal and don't care). While I was allured by the beauty, the athleticism, and extremity of the Boston yoga community, I don't need to do crazy ass poses to get the benefits of yoga. I can't do a lot of them anyway, with my wrist, and that's just fine. I'd rather beast the viola than support my slightly overweight body on my paws. But my body and spirit have been aching for tender loving care, and my spine has been growling for liberation, and I've finally answered that call. My spine is sometimes a bratty selfish child, and yoga usually placates its churlish ways. While I can still revere the beauty of a lululemon model or the complex tattoos revealed on someone's bare back while doing a handstand, my practice has evolved from that. Maybe yoga is something for upper class, wealthy, beautiful women, but I want to do it too, and I don't need my finest duds to do it. I can just come as I am, and if that includes wearing a beautiful tank top, that's great, but if not, I'm still having the time of my life, even if it'll never get me into yogajournal.

listening to: smashing pumpkins