Viola Fail!

I had my Spoleto audition today and my shoulder rest fell off three times.  During excerpts.  WTF.  I haven't had this problem in months, and I just bought a new shoulder rest which has been securely affixed to my viola as of late.  Anyway, I played ok, but was slightly put off by the circumstances, since I kept having to stop and start mid-excerpt.  Aargh.  Oh well!  Didn't want to go anyway.  (Although I think the universe picked a strange time to have my shoulder rest start falling off.)  This is sort of like what happened.

The Butter Pie Effect

Isn't it strange how one action can change the whole course of successive events in a profoundly short period of time?  For me, at least, that's what happened.  The irony in all of this, is that I know whose opening I will be occupying-it's Anne Aderman's, who in course took Mary-Kathryn's opening when she went to OSQ last October.  Anne got married in the fall, and has decided to move to be with her beau.  Strange?  Yes.  Very.

I in turn had a very nice chat with Roger about my skills and shortcomings as a player, and he was quite supportive, which I needed.  I feel utterly unqualified to be going down there, but I'm sure it'll be fine once I get over my initial terror.  I have been so fortunate to have teachers that really value me as a person and a player, and when prodded, will remind me that I don't suck.  I think that's why I will always love Carol more than almost any teacher I've had.  I felt that she was so quick to analyze me, but right in all ways, and that she could really see and appreciate the gifts I had to offer, while quickly realizing how shitty my bow arm was when I met her.  It's such an amazing feeling when your mentors and role models look at you in a way of respect and care, especially when you can't always do that for yourself.

On the more entertaining side of things, I'm playing in the next rotation of orchestra here at NEC, which means that the concert will be the evening before I fly to Miami for my first trip.  I will also be last stand, or second to last stand, which is pretty bloody hysterical to me.  I will also be playing all German repertoire.  Anyone else amused?  It does make my schedule a little insane, but I almost feel like I should suck it up, since there's a positive social aspect of playing in orchestra, and many of my friends are in this rotation, and I may not see them for a while.  (Did I also mention that I, hater of orchestra, and am actually applying to Tanglewood this year?  I never thought it would happen, but I just happened to fall in a crowd of 5-6 people at NEC that are my closest friends, who are all going back.  I never wanted to go earlier, because I didn't think I would survive that much orchestra.  But since I'm already going off the deep end, I think I'll be fine now.  Also, they have the contemporary players, and I always wanted to be one of those, and this could be a chance to be a Fromm player in the future.  I still might not like all of it, but it's certainly worth a shot.  Anyway, I can only take off 1 week in the spring for summer festival auditions, and TMC is one of the 3 auditions I can take. )

On the flip side, I did my "Where the Wild Things" outreach presentation for 4 preschool and Kindergarten classes this week (electric viola and improvised tunes) and played my piece for electric vla, percussion, and piano on Monday, to decent acclaim.  So I promise to keep it real, wherever I end up.  I don't want to lose sight of my other dreams-the rock/improv/contemporary ones, the baking/yoga/kids books ones.  I'm just going where the universe is telling me to go.  (The universe is also telling me that I'm very pale, and I'm very curious to see what skin tone I could actually become by May.  As a perpetually pasty girl, it will definitely be an adventure...)

Listening to: The Age of Adz by Sufjan.  Listen to it.  Buy it, stream it, live it.

Me? Really? In Miami?

Yes.  It's true.  I am moving to Miami, at least for the spring. Why? How?  Because I strangely, randomly, and bizarrely have been called by New World to finish off their season for them.  I, who was told that I played so poorly by the excerpt coach at Eastman.  I, who had so many truly dreadful orchestral experiences in my undergrad and at Eastman.  I, who haven't been to an orchestra festival since 2005.  I feel like a cheater!  I just played my first audition for them in March, played decently, but not amazingly, and I still haven't subbed with them normally, and now I'm invited for the rest of the year?  'Tis indeed quite strange, if I say so myself.

In many ways, it was an obvious decision.  Losing money/loans/rent vs. making money.  But on a larger scale, it is evaluating whether the work I'm doing here is so valuable as to forfeit this particular option.  The answer I came up with is no.  I haven't had time to practice enough, by my standards, and I feel like I'm not spending enough time practicing to really get my money's worth.  I'm playing in some great ensembles and some not-so-great ensembles, but neither is something that I couldn't get into if I came back next fall.  I have a lovely apartment with nice roommates, but we're all so independent that my rise and fall will be a fluid transition of a change of guard.  It's scary though-this whole moving/making adult decisions thing.  I'm not used to cool things like this happening, and I know that my parents are a little surprised at the turn of events.  My mom was worried that Roger and Kim would be angry at me for leaving, and I guess they don't really understand how professional engagements work.  You basically go wherever the spirit takes you and do what the universe instructs.  The cool thing, is that I haven't technically been offered a fellowship, because I'm currently enrolled.  I'm going as a full-time sub, which gives me a lot more flexibility after-I can choose to stay (re-audition anyway) or come back to Boston.  I'm frankly terrified at having made such a decision, but neither Roger nor Kim were too concerned, and that's a good thing.  They seemed totally fine with my decision, and the work I've been doing for Kim is not deeply personal.  (She's also going on sabbatical next semester, and she'll spend 6 weeks+ abroad).

There are definite consequences though-I've just reconnected with lots of old friends, and made some good new ones, and now I'm leaving.  I've finally made some good contemporary contacts and Boston, and once again, I'm leaving.  I'm doing my outreach fellowship concerts this week, and that's really picking up well-the whole electric viola/improv stuff is going very well!  I've finally settled into life here, and now I'm leaving.  But it serves me right in many ways.  I've known that I have flexibility in schedule  and finances that few other people have. I'm not getting married any time soon, I don't have tons and tons of loans, and I don't have any real regional ties.  I'm a free agent, and this is what the universe has thrown me.  I've chosen to catch, rather than watch it fly by, and for now, that seems like a good choice.

(As a side note, I notice that NWS has a few slightly silly questions on their website, all of which I have begun putting time into thinking about, even if I don't end up on the website.
Musical Heroes: David Bowie, Kim K., Karen Tuttle, John Lennon, (Sufjan!)
Recently Played: Grizzly Bear, Sufjan, Radiohead, Arcade Fire, Deerhunter
Favorite Piece of Music: Ooh...that's tough.  Avante-garde?  Or old fav like Daphnis?
Interests: improv, children's books, yoga, baking, shoes, loose-leaf tea.
If I were not a musician, I'd be: a merchanise seller for bands.)

Re-evaluating the circumstances

In a shocking turn of events, I've stopped hating orchestra, or at least, orchestra isn't the worst experience on earth, like it used to be.  After my illustriously tragic experiences at Eastman (Neil Varon?), I was totally and utterly put off by orchestra careers, and orchestra in general.  Between some challenging chairs, lazy people, and a cruel tyrant of a conductor, I was totally put off from doing anything orchestrally.  Before that, at NEC, experiences had been mixed at best, and never anything that I wanted to sign up for in a long term manner.  I basically didn't have any major positive ensemble experiences since high school, and my former enthusiasm for ensemble expired somewhere mid-undergrad.  I'm not really sure what happened exactly.  Somewhere down the line, I just stopped caring.  I didn't really think I had the patience for all the damn auditioning (I still don't think I do) and I didn't think I could have the same job for decades.  I was disheartened by the lack of enthusiasm that many orchestral musicians have for their work, and I was worried that I might lose my love of music.  These ideas still stand-I'm still not looking forward to auditioning, and I'm still not entirely excited by the moral and ethical situation of auditioning for jobs.  But, I don't hate orchestra right now.

Since I've moved back to Boston, I've finally worked with decent conductors, who are both artists and strong educators, and program a wide range of repertoire.  I've been playing with musicians who learn their parts and give it their all, if not all the time, then at least some of the time, which is a vast improvement from my previous orchestral experiences.  I've avoided orchestra for so long, because I've had such negative experiences, both with suspect repertoire,  (Scheherazade x 4?)  But I'm actually enjoying the ensemble experience, between working with good people, playing decent rep, and not doing too much Brahms.  (German romanticism is a separate issue-I still have a limited tolerance for that.)  I've also realized that while I love contemporary music most of all, I can still do that if I did an orchestral program of some sorts.  Tanglewood has a huge contemporary festival.  Spoleto is doing an opera by Sariaaho, which is super awesome.  If I only focus on contemporary stuff, I might limit my connections, my experiences, etc.  I haven't been able to audition for just anything since I've been stuck in the far north of the US, but now it's time to diversify.  Try different things.  Audition for something that's not-Canadian.

That doesn't mean I'll be taking the BSO audition anytime soon, or preparing for the multi-year professional audition track.  It just means that I'm shifting my priorities, expanding my options, and no longer hating on the orchestra experience.  last week, I saw the BSO play Adams' Dr. Atomic Symphonic and the "Miraculous Mandarin" by Bartok, and I was so dismayed to see so many members of the orchestra totally unenthusiastic about the music, miscounting, or just phoning it in.  What makes these musicians believe that contemporary music is something to half-ass?  Or that Bartok simply isn't fun?  I can still prefer a certain kind of music at the end of the day, but do a good job playing multiple kinds of music.  I've never thought about making the system work for me, or for creating opportunities for myself.  If I was in an orchestra, I could create a contemporary ensemble in the group, or write my own outreach scripts doing crazy stuff, or do a combination of the things I love.  Orchestra doesn't have to be a prison sentence, and I might actually enjoy it sometimes.  So I'm making a first step and applying for some orchestral festivals.  That's all I can handle now, especially after October, in which I was in three orchestral cycles simultaneously.

*On the bright side, I'm playing with a kirtan singer tomorrow night, and I'm working on a contemporary piece for viola, percussion, and piano for Steve Drury.  (So orchestra is good, but I can still do all the things I like too.  It just means that my room is a bit untidy.)

Where Have I been?

Where have I been, you may be asking. Well, let me tell you what's been shaking:
October was crazy, to put it mildly. To be put in three orchestral cycles simultaneously, all why trying to play the Debussy quartet somewhat in tune, and occasionally practicing my own repertoire...just didn't work out all that well. On the optimistic side, I could say, "Hey!  At least you're playing with people and making a miniscule amount of money to be playing your instrument."  Yes, this is true.  And I am somewhat grateful for that.  But in the more blunt side of things, it means that I'm overextended, and that yes, there are still boxes in my room that haven't been unpacked.  And there are pictures that haven't been hung on the walls.  And I only can go to yoga once a week, in terms of time and schedule management.  It's kind of unfortunate, and I'm working on that.  It definitely makes me appreciate my limited time in Rochester, in which there simply wasn't enough to do, in comparison to here, where there's just too much to do.  It's a tricky balance, I suppose, and I'm definitely not balanced.  I have, however, been doing some running, with a medium amount of knee discomfort, and I don't suck at running as much as I used to, which is pretty darn exciting.  I bought some of those silly "Five Fingers" shoes, which were really helping with my knee issues, but now it's acting up again, and I'm not sure what to do except not run as much and make an acupuncture appointment.  We'll see.
I'm also a little overwhelmed in working to make Kim's concert series a success.  The way it is now, I'm having to answer to tons of different people in order to get anything done, and it mostly doesn't accomplish anything.  With that in mind, I'm starting to rely on other people less and less, and I'm trying to eliminate the weaker aspects of this partnership.  I think, at the end of the day, I just hate doing "group" projects when everyone isn't equally committed to getting things done.  I've always been a bit of a lone ranger-between the whole music thing, the single thing, the tennis/yoga/running, and my earlier-in-life-lack-of-friends, I've always just preferred going it alone, i.e. getting things done on my own, and telling someone else what needs to get done.  I don't mind team projects in principal, it's just that people often suck at taking initiative, doing what you agree needs to get done, or trusting in your contributions.  With that said, I've made some awesome progress with this whole "Music For Food For Music" endeavor, and I'm learning the ropes at wordpress to make our own website musicfoodmusic.com  (It won't show up yet-it's still adjusting to it's new domain!)  It's not fancy, I don't love the fonts, and I'm not paying for the subscription with the fancy CSS stuff yet, until I have someone who can help me, but it has all of the information on it, and I'm getting the gist of what I'm doing.  And most of all, it's useful to my life and career, but it's teaching me website design on a very basic level.  So ha.  Take that, world!

On an optimistic end, I'm playing some cool repertoire now, if I get around to practicing, and I'm feeling like I don't totally suck at the viola, which is awesome.  I'm also looking forward to playing with a Kirtan singer in Boston.

Woot!

Electric viola has been purchased, as has pedal.  Amp TBD.  But the fun will begin soon!  Yes, it is tacky, but what better way to go?  I'm sure the strings are awful and it will sound dreadful, but with some adjustments, we'll be in business, right?  I've been writing down my musical ideas in a notebook, and I'm excited to begin creating music myself, even if it won't be award winningly brilliant.  It will, however, be much better than this.  I can guarantee it.  It will also be better than this.

Life Crisis and other thoughts

After 6 weeks of being without internet at home, I finally have it.  And it's great.  I feel a little more connected to the world now, and I'm way too tired to write a full-fledged blog post (there's a lot going on in my brain right now, mostly related to the big life questions like:
What do I want in a career?
     How do I get to said career?
Am I doing the things/gigs/workwise that will achieve said career?)
The usual.

On the bright side, I've decided to cash in my refund check (from loans-I have an extra 1500 in loan money since I already have health insurance from the parental units) and buy a condenser mic, amp, and loop pedal.  Why?  Well, I always talk about how I want to play in a band.  And duh, I need a mic for that shit.  More importantly, I'm proposing an outreach project in which I will use mostly extended techniques and contemporary repertoire to build a musical storytime around a personal fav "Where the Wild Things Are."  The premise is that the loop machine will help me to build my own additive music, without needing any other musicians, and that I can more or less improvise an entire score as the narrator reads the story.  Frankly, I'm pumped about it, partially because it gives me a creative musical outlet, which I've been deeply lacking.  (Cadenza improvisation just doesn't cut it sometimes)  And, I think it's a good start for my interests.
Oh, and on the silly side, I'm in the orchestra for this new Weezer track.  It's sort of annoying, as songs go, but it means something, and it's something I wouldn't mind doing again.  I occur somewhere around the 2nd minute, after all the silly flutes.

Highlights from Geekfest 2010

Ahh, yes.  The Viola Congress, which I was in fact dreading, turned out to be wicked awesome.  (Think of that with a Boston accent, k?)  First of all, I got to stay with a friend whom I haven't seen much in the last two years, so that was pretty great.  Second of all, I got hired by Kim to be her personal assistant in the fall.  Third of all, I found out that Garth Knox, the man, the legend, is coming to NEC next year.  Yes, my debt is absolutely totally 100% going to be worth it.  (Here's a pic of them both!)  Fourth of all, I got to hang out with my college roommate, and feel awesome when going to an urban outfitters in an old church.  Oh, and did I mention that there were two to three concerts a day by solid faculty?  

Concert highlights:

Garth Knox Solo Recital (one word: baller)

Kimmy Kashkash's double whammy: Shostakovich Preludes arranged for viola and piano one day, amazingly weird performance art for viola and percussion the next day.  I am SO looking forward to my future employment.

Nobuko Imai's lovely interpretaions of Takemitsu, especially beautiful in realizing that she is 66-67!  

And more!

I was also thrilled to have contemporary music concerts EVERY DAY that I was there.  I don't love all music equally (Brahms and I are NOT speaking right now, since he's making me play him in July) but damn, I love the weird shit a lot.  Garth Knox also sold us all on his contemporary etudes Viola Spaces which I am definitely going to learn.  No question. He's our newest viola crush, when it comes to this stuff, and he makes an amazing team with Kim when it comes to duets.  

And the moral, is this makes me excited to practice!  And learn stuff! And also believe that there's hope for me too, because we all play so differently and want such different things in a career. (But don't worry, I'm still stalking Grizzly Bear in my spare time and making greeting cards and baking.)  I just think there's a possibility of doing lots of things that you love, and maybe everything will work out someday, and you and me and everyone else we know will be bathing in the splendor of their heart breaking with music.

listening to: garth knox, bruno maderna "viola," broken social scene "world sick" from forgiveness rock record.

Oh wait, and we got a free stainless steel viola water bottle and two free sets of strings.  YES.

Canada, Ketchup those chips, and How I always Get Lost

This past week has been a blur of activity, trying to do random errands in preparation for my epic trip to Canada, in the midst of chaos. Everyone else has been preparing for graduation tomorrow, but today, I am in Quebec City, where I will near for the next two weeks. It's been challenging to get pumped for a music festival so soon after my recital-I've been pretty slothful, and practicing has been mostly non-existent lately, for good reason. However, it is useful to be able to play the viola when one is attending a music festival in which chamber music is paramount. So I've been cramming Beethoven down my throat, which has been rough. (But I get major points for studying my quartet scores at my 7:30 AM car oil change appointment. I felt like such an esoteric bitch there with my matcha tea and my scores.) Anyway, it's been hard to be motivated because so many of my friends are leaving while I'm gone in Canada, and I know I won't see many of them again. Some of them are flinging themselves like confetti into the wide united states, and I will be going predictably to the east. I'm basically not ready to be in a summer festival situation. And I know I'll make this music festival work, and that once I get in the swing of things and feel like I can play the viola, I'll be fine. But for now, I'll timidly pretend that I'm prepared for this. I am so lucky to have turned my failed eastman experience around, and I am so fortunate to have such amazing, loving, and supportive friends and colleagues. I only hope that I can be as caring to those that I meet next, wherever I am.

Driven: 400 miles

Listened to: multiple NPR podcasts "all songs considered"

Conclusions: the xx album sounds all the same. the beach house album is solid and dreamy. sometimes, the folks at NPR have crazy ideas and i totally disagree with them. (hello, the best album of the year was clearly Grizzly Bear's "Veckatimest." Seriously. Or Animal Collective. But the xx? lame.)

Listening to: some of the new u.o. lstn mixes, some of my library acquisitions, and beethoven.

The splendor of the sound

I was so fortunate today as to have two sonorously fulfilling experiences-my recital went well, and I just saw "Music for 18 musicians." I played the whole bach suite 6, the theofanidis "flow my tears," and the shostakovich sonata. For 5 weeks of preparation, I actually thought it went pretty well. I mean, my intonation was a bit dodgy, but I am very much humbled and impressed by the feedback I received from everyone who attended. It was so overwhelming to be surrounded by caring people who were open to my performance.

I had been feeling ok about the whole recital thing, but neither pumped nor terribly worried about it. Maybe because most of my most stressful concerts already happened, or because it was an early afternoon concert, or whatever, I simply wasn't that nervous and that ended up being a very good thing. It's possible that I'm just getting better at performing, because there were moments when I completely forgot that there were tons of people there, and I just went into this magical zone in which time stopped and bach was supreme. It was rather odd, to say the least, but a good portion of the bach occurred with my body taking control and me watching and feeling the music while the rest of me executed it. It was transformative and scary, and not entirely new. I've also found that when the lights turn out and it's just me and a solo piece, there's a weird temporal continuum that opens up and I fall in. I lose myself in the music just enough, but manage to keep enough involvement that I don't tip over like a palm tree in a storm. (That's always a risk. Falling over, dropping my instrument, or having it go terrifically out of tune.) Most of the recital happened like this, in which I was aware of things happening (finger here, forearm there, lalala) but it was a very strange experience watching the rest of me play the viola. I guess that qualifies as an out of body experience, but it was more like being "more than present." We talk so much about being in the now, and experiencing the now. I was so in the now that I stopped thinking completely and it was damn strange. Mostly successful, though, which is always a good thing.

For now, I'll just repeat the beautiful compliments that everyone paid me after the concert. What I thought was 'good' or just 'solid,' turned out to be transformative, empowering, and beautiful to the audience. I am so honored to possess that power. My ego just got a huge bar of chocolate, and decadence is essential right now.

(music for eighteen musicians is like the ultimate minimalist dance tune. steve reich should have encouraged people to get on the stage and start dancing. in my heaven, we would all have a huge dance party to all sorts of music.)

Eastman Just Redeemed Itself

So my experience at Eastman is being redeemed, slowly. I found out today that I won the annual viola award of sorts, which is great and all, but more importantly has a CASH prize. Not just any cash prize, but $1000. Cha-ching. Wow. (Now, I'm planning on paying off most of the $800 on my credit card with this check, but really, it's the thought that counts. And maybe I'll go shopping for the first time 4.5 months. And buy my new strings.)

To think that a year ago today, I was tragically upset about my loss of the Performer's Certificate? Dude, money means way more to me than a piece of paper. So Eastman, you've proven to me in the last year that nothing makes sense, but in that way, it seems to be favoring me. Take that, stupid orchestra seating! Take that, performer's certificate! Take that, concerto competition with evil unsavory people in it! Take that, TENDONITIS! All of the stupid things I've endured at Eastman are slowly becoming worth it, now that I have a reward for my suffering. Now to just keep it together for the next two weeks: recital, Brandenberg, papers, tests...

Listening to: MGMT. Will be listening to some new records from the libs.

Contemplating My Relaxation

I had my first (of probably, at least a few) New World Audition this week. And it was ok, actually. The solos were way better than I expected, and the excerpts a little dodgier than expected, but all around, a solid B experience. They were very nice, and I'm realizing that I don't totally suck at excerpts, even if the snarmy coach here acts like I do. I have a few goals for the next year, and one of them is gaining confidence in playing excerpts for auditions. It's so silly that I love playing music for people, even in an audition situation, but I freeze up and get all mechanical in excerpt time, because I feel like everyone is just waiting for you to fuck up. (And well, that's sort of true.) But, I think if I have a more supportive excerpt coach, I may be able to eliminated the negative psychological repercussions of this year's excerpting. Because it's silly that I'm so confident and expressive in regular music, but that I freeze and panic in excerpts, either because I've had such harsh coachings, or because I believe internally that I am just not good at them. It is time to arrest that notion and to move on!

In other words, I'm vacillating between relaxation and minor stress (nothing compared to the last few months, though) because I have to play a few (guess what?) excerpts in a master class today, and because our contemporary ensemble is performing a bitch-ass-hard contemporary piece, and I haven't been to many rehearsals, and I'm petrified. (Wolfgang Rihm=freaking scary German shit, with somewhere between 12-32 notes per bar. No good.) I'm also really looking forward to my recital, once I get everything learned! I just have to finish off the Bach and learn the whole Shostakovich, which should definitely be doable, based on how long it normally takes me to learn things. I'm also a little bummed that I was wait-listed for Lucerne and Domaine Forget chamber music, but I already have answers in my mind:

a) Molly and Rose got into Lucerne, and they are quite a bit older than me, meaning that they are rather close to the cutoff age for that, and I'm pretty far off, so I can still try again.

b) I'm not Canadian, nor do I go to McGill or Glenn Gould, nor do I know any of the Domaine faculty. They also only take a handful of violas, and I imagine many of them keep coming back, so...

But honestly, I just wanted to go to a free festival, since I've never gotten into one before, and I've never really gotten into anything special or awesome before. Oh well! Now, just to decide whether to go to Banff or Bang on a Can. (Mountains/4 star resort or potentially good experience playing contemporary stuff?) TBD.

For now, I'll just keep being lazy.

listening to: the free urban outfitters samplers LSTN 8

It's that Time! Rejection Fest 2010!

Yes, it's rejection fest 2010, folks! While I may have scraped by with just a total of 6 pfol's it is not time for my friends to get the same experiences that I have been coping with since January.

PFOL: please f*ck off letter. AKA: a rejection letter. Anyway, it's time for the summer festival rejection season to reap its damage on the innocent, the naive, and the well-intentioned musicians of the world.

Fact: most festivals have less money=less acceptances=more applicants=more unfortunate outcomes

Fact: most professional music related things are as much political as they are audition based. (I can't prove this one with money, just with experience.)

Fact: Each PFOL chips away at one's sense of self-worth and ability to ever succeed at music. (i.e. "If I can't get into festival X, I'll never get a professional job with orchestra XY.")
The question I want to ask is, "Do these festivals realize that so many of us tie our sense of self-worth with our ability to be successful in this front? Do these people know that hearts are broken because of this?" And I suppose more pertinently, "How can we, as the sometimes rejected, keep up our sense of self-worth when we are constantly rejected from festivals/programs/more?"
I can't answer any of these questions, and I can't allay our frustration with rejection. I can only hope that what I do, what you do, and what we do together, is a meaningful and worthwhile thing, and that it makes the world a better place. We also have to know that there may be a time when what we want in music is simply not possible. And that is a heartbreaking thing to realize, but we may have to address it eventually. When do we acknowledge that point? The tipping point between dreams and reality? I don't know-perhaps when it feels right. On one hand,it seems like one could go on forever and apply for things and never keep hoping for success, that one hidden acceptance, but at the same point, would you be very happy during that search? When does one reconcile external and internal states of happiness? You can be very happy when external things are succeeding, or be very solid internally, spiritually, when music things suck. Perhaps we have to acknowledge that these two realms are independent, but in the end, we are only our internal selves, not our external selves. Our happiness and worth as a human being should not depend on what we are accepted into, or rejected from, it should be the things we do in the world, and the way we act.
While I'm still bothered by the outcome of some of my auditions, we have to keep on, and remember that somebody still loves us and that we don't totally suck at life.

PFOL count: 6
Yale
Colburn
Prussia Cove
Yellow Barn (it was only a matter of time)
The Academy
Community MusicWorks

Self-worth: 8/10.

Currently listening to: Owen Pallett (aka. final fantasy)

after the break-up (with harold, that is)

Now that the excess snot has been expelled from my nose, I have so much space in my head...for thinking! Actually, I think I just have the space to not be stressed right now. Now that immediate and important concert/audition deadlines are minimal, I feel like I have so much time-to do everything! It's quite exciting. Granted, I haven't been seriously shredding my excerpts for my New World audition in two weeks. Nope, not at all. I know it's just a post-Harold bliss fest, especially since I was really sick for the two days after, but I also realize that I need to get it together. I'm also seriously chiseling away at the stack of work due this week. *Nothing says nerd like doing Baroque performance practice homework on a Saturday night, right?* But seriously, I know that my chances of getting into nws are slightly slim, slimmer than my man calves, and it's hard to get motivated. I also found out that roger tapping wants me to come to nec, which has sort of sapped my energy for the audition.

(Yes. I'm wanted and liked by more people than just carol and erin kirby! Score! He sent a very polite and entertaining email that was like "I really enjoyed your audition and hope you're interested in coming. I'm working with admissions to make your official offer, but I do rather hope you'll consider coming." Duh.)

Anyways, yay for me! Out of six applications, I may have gotten four rejections, but so far, one very important tentative acceptance.

In other news, I'm experiencing the yoga resurgence. My arms/wrists have been very cooperative as of late, and I've been going to 2-3 classes a week, and I've realized how much I miss yoga. Yes, I can do it at home, and sometimes, I can get really focused and have a good home practice. But sometimes, I've just longed for a warm, supportive community and an inspiring teacher, and I've finally found my home! One of the teachers I liked at another studio just opened her own studio, and it is my new home. When I initially moved to Rochester, I was really disappointed in the yoga scene. I was younger than most of my fellow yogis by 20 years, and well, that was a bit odd. Whereas Boston was this thriving yoga and yoga lifestyle community, I felt like I stood out a bit, with my interest in challenging poses (even if I can't usually do them) and my hope in getting some good perspiration along with my inspiration. Now I've realized again that you can learn something from all teachers, depending on your openness with the situation. I've found that anusura gives me the length and the stretch that my body aches for, without putting me through the sun salutation paces or making me feel incompetent because I can't do weird ass poses. While I don't know if I can practice anusura forever, I really appreciate the spirituality of the poses and the focus on what you can do, rather than what you can't. When I look at myself, it's easy to see the things I can't do, but I never feel like I'm out of my league in class. I don't get scared that the teachers won't be able to modify, or that I'm not wearing cool and awesome lululemon tank tops like my classmates. (They're just wearing tee-shirts and are probably post menopausal and don't care). While I was allured by the beauty, the athleticism, and extremity of the Boston yoga community, I don't need to do crazy ass poses to get the benefits of yoga. I can't do a lot of them anyway, with my wrist, and that's just fine. I'd rather beast the viola than support my slightly overweight body on my paws. But my body and spirit have been aching for tender loving care, and my spine has been growling for liberation, and I've finally answered that call. My spine is sometimes a bratty selfish child, and yoga usually placates its churlish ways. While I can still revere the beauty of a lululemon model or the complex tattoos revealed on someone's bare back while doing a handstand, my practice has evolved from that. Maybe yoga is something for upper class, wealthy, beautiful women, but I want to do it too, and I don't need my finest duds to do it. I can just come as I am, and if that includes wearing a beautiful tank top, that's great, but if not, I'm still having the time of my life, even if it'll never get me into yogajournal.

listening to: smashing pumpkins

In the zone. (the pwn zone?)

Ah, yes. The post we have all been waiting for. For those of you not privileged enough to be living in Rochester, the pinnacle of musical development in the united states o' america, you have probably been wondering how my Harold in Italy concert went. The short answer? It was most excellent.

My photos haven't been edited yet by my trusty photojournalist friend, so needless to say, you will all have to wait to see "the dress" of infamy, but i got a lot of compliments on it, and I was just happy that i could wear an entirely normal and supportive bra. Here are some points of interest though:

1) I started to get sick days before the concert, losing both my voice and my energy. The result was that I stopped worrying about things, because I didn't really have the energy to do so.

2) My mom came and visited me Sat-Tuesday, and since my mom isn't a musician, she didn't really understand that I might need time to panic or freak out. Instead, she treated it like a normal vacation, and we did fun things, which helped me to get perspective on everything and chill out.

3) We had an exceptionally mediocre dress rehearsal on Monday, which was great, because the concert went about a gazillion times better. I've generally discovered that mediocre rehearsals beget great concerts because people suddenly snap into focus, whereas really amazing rehearsals give people an unfortunate sense of comfort.

4) I had been nervous in some shape or form for all of the rehearsals. Yes, all of them. First of all, it's scary to get in front of an orchestra and claim ownership of viola-dom, especially with a slightly lame piece like this one. I had been worried the whole time that people would be judging me, comparing me to the violinist from the first half of the program (world's worst vln concerto: vieuxtemps 5) which featured showy filigree, whereas mine didn't feature much of anything. After a week and a half of that fear, I was finally able to let go of it on the day of the concert. It goes to show you that no matter how confident you "should" feel, self judgment is the hardest judge, not others' opinions. I do wish i could've been at the helm of a better piece, or at least a piece that features my skills better, but in the moment of truth, I had to love. I had to love my audience, myself, my viola, and my playing. Even when I missed a shift here or there, I had to gather my energy, my forces, and project them like a ball of white light. When i was finally able to be "as kind to myself as I would be towards others," I was able to project the emotion and intensity that the piece required.

All in all, I was pretty pleased with it. I had more compliments about my dress than I ever thought possible, and despite the stress and brief amount of time I had to work on it, it sounded decent. Yes, I wish I had more than a week and a half after my NEC audition, but...these things are out of my control. It's good to know that I can overcome personal challenges in order to reveal the music in the end.

Laughing with a mouth of blood

Yes, I've been laughing with a mouth of blood. (i.e. experiencing both the extremely good and the kinda bad)
Here's some events of note:
1) NEC audition last Wednesday. It went well, I think? I didn't get to play my ultimate jams (like the Penderecki!) but I did play a very good Ligeti mvmt, and a solid movement of Bach. I don't know that I got into Kim's studio, but we'll see what comes of that.
2) I found out right after my NEC audition that I didn't pass Colburn prescreening (again, WTF) and I didn't get into Prussia Cove. (couldn't have afforded it anyways). But really? Within hours of my audition? It was bad news bears.

3) I've been in full Harold mode, since the concert is on Monday at 8 PM! Send me good vibes/reiki. Today was the first rehearsal that I actually felt good about, especially since I started really practicing this piece last Thursday after my nec audition. I think it's going to be great. Period. I'm getting confident and less nervous. The first couple of rehearsals were really stressful for me- the orchestra didn't sound great, and I felt like everyone was judging me all the time, comparing me to the violinist playing the Vieuxtemps, etc. But in the end, it doesn't matter. I can't let that affect me, because the programming is beyond my control. Not everyone is going to know that I can really beast the viola, but I'll at least be confident in the 10 notes that I do get to play. That's all I can do.
So why was I laughing full of blood? Because I had to come home from an audition, completely deflated, and stand at the helm of an orchestra, having barely had time to practice the piece I was performing. I have to look confident and assured, even though the doubt that runs through me is palpable. My parents were really upset, vicariously, for me, even though it's not their problem or issue. The bottom line is that I don't have a plan for next year. I applied for a bunch of things, and basically got rejected from almost all of them, except NEC. I don't know how to take the rejection-a part of me just wants to scream and quit viola completely. For every leap that I've made in viola progress, I've received a bigger and more catastrophic consequence or rejection. How can I ever know if I'll succeed? For all that I am and that I think I offer, it is all a matter of opinion, of connections, and perhaps I cannot succeed in the way that I hope. Perhaps my dreams are too vast, too immaterial, to be true. I can never tell if I am a pebble in zen garden of pebbles, or if I am a pebble in a collection of treasures. I flip flop between believing in myself and my worth, and doubting my long term happiness. Can I ever love myself? Can anyone ever love me either? And what does the viola have to do with anything? I have no idea.

I know that for now, for three days, I need to be confident in my worth and my gifts, even if the demons that way beneath my surface threaten to capsize the ship. There are so many things worth appreciating in me- if I only can open my eyes enough to see them, they will shine beyond belief, radiating beyond my own perception. Then all of the trees of the field will clap their hands as they look upon me and my joy.

listening to: melon collie and the infinite sadness, grizzly bear, vampire weekend

Meeting Myself Again

I apparently don't always handle stress well. In fact, I'm not entirely sure why I'm that stressed to begin with, because my NEC audition should not be fueling this much anxiety. I know the teachers there, I'm better prepared than I was for my masters' audition, and the teachers like me enough that I should feel moderately comfortable in my audition. However, last week, my insides were in agony- I wasn't hungry, I was having constant stomach cramps, and food wasn't exiting my body much. I was experiencing the very direct negative affects of stress on my body. I had never really seen anything like that happen before- I've obviously been stressed in my life, but I'd never seen my body just shut down and stop working because of it. After a few very difficult days, I was told that I needed to:

"Give yourself a fucking break."

Seriously. I was bummed that my studio class performance hadn't been amazing amazing and I was upset. And I realized that MJ was right- I wasn't giving myself the benefits of positivity or industriousness or anything. I associate hard work and productivity with a certain amount of anxiety and resistance. So that has become my week's work. Rather than allow myself to freak out, I needed to create space in my mind and my heart, so that I could be productive but also be happy. (Fancy that!)

It also made me realize that I expect a lot from my friends in times like this, and that perhaps ask too much of them. When did I become an extrovert when it comes to anxiety? I don't remember. Sometimes, it seems like these intense emotions are such a burden to share with others, especially when that other is just a friend and not family or a significant other. I don't think I used to reveal so much of myself in this way-perhaps isolated living has made me different, dependent on others in new ways. I frankly don't know. The bottom lines is that I have been abusing myself semi-willingly for most of the semester, and I need to get acquainted with myself, in a nicer way. My body yearns for the space of meditation and the timelessness of yoga-why can't I have time to do these things? Because I'm not making time. If I spend 3-6 hours at the viola, I come home between 10 and 11 and I crash. Yoga? Meditation? SLEEP trumps all. But the truth is that I need to make time for myself. I need to allow myself to breathe in the present moment. All of these things that I believe in- mindfulness, inner space, freedom from thoughts-I've been forgetting at the time that I need them the most. Now. I've instead been relying on my friends to keep me sane when I in fact need to do that for myself. I have the tools- I just need to do it.

At the end of the day, I'm responsible for how I feel. My workload should not directly affect my every waking moment and I have the option of changing my emotional landscape. I just need to take charge.

Who I can be, Who I might be, Who I am now

One of the things that has been flitting around in my very cluttered mind is the paradox of mental states that befalls a musician. On one hand, we must constantly criticize ourselves and our work to become better musicians and teachers, and this constant self-analysis is what propels our progress and growth. However, when can we know that we are good enough? It's a parallel with our personal life- are we ever done changing and readjusting as people? I suppose not- if there's ever a time when I'm not learning and changing, then I will have arrived as a stagnant product. At the same time, how rarely we allow ourselves the opportunity to say "I am good enough, in this moment, because it's how I am." Our goal as musicians is theoretically the pursuit of perfection, the unreachable. One of my friends put up this quote, which I find quite relevant:

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen

When should we give up on this perfection that we so earnestly seek? When do we ever accept the way things are? Rarely, at least in my personal experience. I find myself in a constant struggle between success and failure, between confidence and tears, between weakness and the ego. Every day, I'm in a different phase of this cycle- some days I love myself, other days, I want to stay in bed and burn my viola. And yet, I can't give it up. It is the paradox by which I live, each day.

Leaving

I'm driving to Boston today for a moderately humorous audition tomorrow for Yellow Barn, which I'm 95% sure I won't get into, but I'm trying to be optimistic about it being a "positive performance experience." In other words, I'm bullshitting. I'm also trying not to stress out too much, since being stressed has:
1) Made me lose my appetite and my ability to process food.
2) Made me tired all of the time, even after 8-9 hours of sleep.
3) Made me grumpy.
Hopefully, this weekend will diffuse my stress, or at least 6 hours in a car will do that? We'll see. In other news, I'm happy to see some friends in Boston, like Julia! And spend some time with her roomies, and be immersed in the liberal feminist mormon experience. So yes, this will eventually be a good trip, once I chill the f*ck out. (And why won't Itunes open? I haven't been able to open it for a week, which is unfortunate, and I can't update my phone or listen to Contra, except in the car. Suggestions appreciated.)

Stressed like whoah

I've been stressed...like whoah? since I've gotten back to rochester. I have a ridiculous amount of shit to deal with right now, in terms of auditions and repertoire and concerts and travel and money, and it's all pressing down on me. I also have no idea what I'll be doing next year, and frankly, that scares me...a lot! I have three auditions for "things to do next year" but I don't have time to obsess about any of them in detail, which is rather inconvenient. I also don't know when I'll have time to focus on the New world excerpts on learn Harold in Italy. Aack!!!! I guess part of the problem is that I just don't feel prepared for anything. I know that's not rationally true, but it's damn frustrating. I simply can't play the last movement of the arpeggione sonata amazingly. I don't have the penderecki solidly memorized. I have three weeks. (i guess it could be worse. people do pull their shit together in less time than that, and are simply less prepared than i am.) on the bright side, here's my recording of the loop from the ligeti sonata that i recorded last week.

While I hate doing videos of myself, Bang on a can wanted a video, and i didn't have time to burn a video, since that takes about 45 minutes, so i just put it on youtube and sent them a link. Also, on the bright side, I didn't pass prescreening for Yale or the academy, which is frankly, two less things to truly worry about. I just have a little more room to breathe. Which I need to do.

listening to: the new vampire weekend album