Change is Good, if you can take it.

This hasn't exactly been the easiest semester.  I thought, last spring, that I wanted a change.  A BIG change.  A new school, a new city, a new life, living alone, etc.  I'm pretty sure I was wrong.  I didn't want anything to change, so I signed up for the most extreme change I could have.  (except living at a yoga ashram-  that's beyond extreme)  And i'm realizing now that I didn't want it, at all.  I loved everything before- I loved walking everywhere, having roommates, the safety of the city, the beauty of the parks, the proximity of Whole Foods, the yoga community and wonderful studios- the community of people I had in music.  And all of that has been absent here, and I have just barely acclimated.  Rochester is not an amazing city- it's frightening to walk at night anywhere, (and can be eerie during the day too), the yoga studios are so different, the Wegman's leaves something to be desired, and I have felt as though I have no community here in Rochester, except a few fantastic people who have saved from perpetual solitude.  A few weeks ago, I was disturbingly upset, because I was thinking how things could have been if I had stayed in Boston, if I had continued the Utopian life I led.  Everything frustrated me- orchestra, classes, people- everything was like a warped reminder of my former warmth.  I wanted to hold on to the friendships from before without adding new ones, and I was afraid that my friends would find new friends that were better than I could ever be, leaving me alone.  

Everything ends.  I have "issues" with that.  I don't want people to die, to move, to break up with their boyfriends or girlfriends, to grow up, to get old, to behave differently.  Everything is moving so fast, and I'm just sitting in my kayak watching the rapids take everyone away.  I'm too afraid to join- too afraid I'll sink, that I'll get caught, that the changes will be for the worse.  But I can't go upstream.  Gatsby tried that, and failed.  It's time to stop moping and find joy in what I do have, rather than comparing it to what I once had.  Because this too will end, as will I, and you, and everything.  

Listening to: Sigur Ros' agaetis byrjun.