In the zone. (the pwn zone?)

Ah, yes. The post we have all been waiting for. For those of you not privileged enough to be living in Rochester, the pinnacle of musical development in the united states o' america, you have probably been wondering how my Harold in Italy concert went. The short answer? It was most excellent.

My photos haven't been edited yet by my trusty photojournalist friend, so needless to say, you will all have to wait to see "the dress" of infamy, but i got a lot of compliments on it, and I was just happy that i could wear an entirely normal and supportive bra. Here are some points of interest though:

1) I started to get sick days before the concert, losing both my voice and my energy. The result was that I stopped worrying about things, because I didn't really have the energy to do so.

2) My mom came and visited me Sat-Tuesday, and since my mom isn't a musician, she didn't really understand that I might need time to panic or freak out. Instead, she treated it like a normal vacation, and we did fun things, which helped me to get perspective on everything and chill out.

3) We had an exceptionally mediocre dress rehearsal on Monday, which was great, because the concert went about a gazillion times better. I've generally discovered that mediocre rehearsals beget great concerts because people suddenly snap into focus, whereas really amazing rehearsals give people an unfortunate sense of comfort.

4) I had been nervous in some shape or form for all of the rehearsals. Yes, all of them. First of all, it's scary to get in front of an orchestra and claim ownership of viola-dom, especially with a slightly lame piece like this one. I had been worried the whole time that people would be judging me, comparing me to the violinist from the first half of the program (world's worst vln concerto: vieuxtemps 5) which featured showy filigree, whereas mine didn't feature much of anything. After a week and a half of that fear, I was finally able to let go of it on the day of the concert. It goes to show you that no matter how confident you "should" feel, self judgment is the hardest judge, not others' opinions. I do wish i could've been at the helm of a better piece, or at least a piece that features my skills better, but in the moment of truth, I had to love. I had to love my audience, myself, my viola, and my playing. Even when I missed a shift here or there, I had to gather my energy, my forces, and project them like a ball of white light. When i was finally able to be "as kind to myself as I would be towards others," I was able to project the emotion and intensity that the piece required.

All in all, I was pretty pleased with it. I had more compliments about my dress than I ever thought possible, and despite the stress and brief amount of time I had to work on it, it sounded decent. Yes, I wish I had more than a week and a half after my NEC audition, but...these things are out of my control. It's good to know that I can overcome personal challenges in order to reveal the music in the end.

On Winning and Losing

I played amazingly on Monday.  I actually owned Hoffmeister in a way that I never thought possible.  I fixed so many things from Saturday to Monday that I shocked my teacher- she called it a miracle.  What's the catch?  Oh, I didn't win.  In fact, a freshman won, a point that has been very controversial since the competition.  While I do wish the outcome had been different, I came to the following conclusions:

1) I played amazingly.  Normally, when you lose something, you say, "ugh.  I played ok/bad/decent BUT...(fill in the blank)."  But on Monday, there were no "but" moments.  I really made a huge leap for myself and my performing abilities.  In any competing situation, whether it be job or performance based, you can only control your part of the deal, not the outcome.  And I controlled my part, and did beautifully.

2) My teacher was exceedingly happy with my performance.  I won't go into juicy details, but let's say that she was surprised and thought that my performance was exceptional.  Honestly, her opinion matters a lot to me.

3) One of the judges is the unsavory orchestra conductor.  'nuff said.

4) If I had won, it might have splintered my friendship with Kyle, and that would've been silly.  And if Kyle had won, the same would have been true.  This way, we are both equals.

5) It helps to keep the ego intact and not get out of control when one is put in this sort of situation.

6) Suffering is inevitable, and this is an example of that.  And that's ok.

7) I received really supportive amazing feedback from friends and fellow competition attendees, and that has been so valuable and reassuring for me.

8) A competition is in effect a competition with one's self.  And if that's the case, then I won- by a wide margin of error.  And that's something to be proud of.

It made me so grateful for my progress, my abilities, and my friends, who were able to support me and commend me on my playing.  To have someone say that they cried when I lost is perhaps the most touching of all.  I can't think of when I've made someone cry through my music.

On the day of the competition, I meditated, did yoga, and read, in addition to a little practicing, and clearly that paid off.  I am so honored that people think so highly of me, and I only hope that I can live up to others expectations of me, while also living up to my own.  

Happiness is always here- we just are often unable to perceive it.  

Listening to: Sigur Ros "Hvarf-Heim" (as well as a bunch of dharma talks)