What to do with my life. Or at least the next year.

I have been in a bit of a quandary these last few weeks because I simply have no idea what I exactly want from my life, musically and professionally, and because I have to make some decisions on these matters by tomorrow. The current dilemma is deciding whether or not to go to NEC for a grad diploma with Roger Tapping.

Pro's: He's a great teacher, it's a super strong string program, I could make some excellent connections for life after school in Boston, and I would probably have some good performance opportunities and teaching opportunities. I have many friends who would be at NEC, which shouldn't sway things, but it does anyways. I'll be in Boston, which is a dream come true between choice markets, great shows, yoga, etc. It's what I've been missing these last two years.

Con's: Money-I'd have to take out $20 thousand in loans. Being in school-do I really want/need to be in school in order to learn and be a better musician? Do I really want to stay in the day to day grind of mandatory events like orchestra and occasional class? Is school really the only way to make professional connections in Boston? And, of course, the clincher-what do I actually want from classical music, as a career?

This last bit is perhaps the most troubling, since I don't exactly know anymore. I mean, I've never really "known" what my 30 year plan is, professionally, but I've had great spurts of activity and inspiration, which led to brief flirtations with musicology, college teaching, and orchestral jobs. None of those really hold true now (today, although that may change) although I am still very much interested in teaching as a facet of my career. Though for now, I think I've heard enough suzuki twinkles for this calendar year. In an entirely fictional life plan, in which cost and connections are no object, I would like to be a versatile musician-I'd like to play with a few bands, play in a contemporary music ensemble, teach, and possibly teach yoga or do baking. However, I haven't exactly got the logistics of that dream worked out. The question that Molly asked me last week was apt," the question to ask is what do you want to do with your life and how will the gd help you get there. if it won't or you can't answer the question, it's not worth it."

Can I answer that question, what to do with my life? Yes/no/sort of. What will the GD do for me? It will make me a better violist and teacher. It will give me more professional connections in a place that I might actually want to live in, unlike Rochester. It will give me some really performance opportunities that have been severely lacking here in Upstate New York Hell. But really, do I need to be in a viola performance incubator to just get better? Is going to school for a bullshit degree just a stupid way to buy time before actually dealing with careers and life? Yes. Definitely.

It's been a tricky thing lately, because I've been getting such conflicted commentary on the matter- I know it's still an honor of sorts to get into NEC, even if I went there before, and I know that there are other people who would love to go there and can't. I also know that the money is definitely an inconvenience now, but that there are other means to paying it off and that I won't be saddled with the debt for life. Carol thinks going back to school is a dumbass idea. On one side, I agree. However, I do worry about what exactly I'd be doing with myself if I weren't in school-many of the local orchestras have auditions in the spring now, and I don't know that I could get a decent enough job, teaching or otherwise, to pay for rent and life, or that I'd have time to practice. Carol also is operating under the view that I want to get a doctorate right away, which is definitely not the plan. Or that I could stay in Rochester and teach for a year, which is possibly the worst idea ever. I know my mom's a bit worried that I'll just lose my viola chops if I'm not in school, or that I'll be working a dead-end job and lose my musical aspirations, although she's not exactly the best source on musical career knowledge.

Between pressure from friends on both sides and everyone's continued advice, I'm torn as to what to do. I still haven't heard back from some of the random things I applied to for next year, so things are a bit up in the air, but a part of me feels like I should just send in my deposit tomorrow, and deal with the consequences later. Or just not go if some awesome thing happens in my life. Completely rejecting the offer is a bit terminal, and that scares me. Deferring is still a possibility, and I still haven't found out if RT would give me lessons if I wasn't in school. All two of my options scare me right now, and I never would have guessed how difficult the decision would be. However, many of my friends have offered the advice that, "whatever you decide to do will be the right decision." I hope they're right.

School and motivation

Carol has this amazing gift of both overestimating one's abilities while also inspiring one to work exceptionally hard. That's my perception, at least. Almost every "planning" lesson with carol features her telling me that I should do something close to absurd, like memorizing the ligeti sonata, for example, or that I should apply for GD at a gazillion good schools. While I sometimes hate the pressure she can put on people, I enjoy it, since it makes me work harder, even if it can be a bit crazy sometimes. For the first week of school, it's been pretty painless in general. I only have 2 classes (count them! 1-2), and I didn't go to one class meeting and the other one was shortened. I'm not in ensemble, and I'm doing chamber music with my friend for no credit. So while Carol is piling things on, I think it'll actually be ok because I might have the time to complete the mission, so to speak. While I did have a baby flare-up last weekend, which was really odd, I seemed to have healed, which is GREAT. I really want to make a serious effort to keep that under control, because I'd like to have a very healthy year and feel good about that healthiness. I think this year has to be better, because I don't have orchestra, I don't have to deal with totally lame classes like last year, and I've been a much better "course" shopper. So cheers to new year enthusiasm.

In other news, fall is always punctuated by the sound of lawn mowers through an open window. And I love it.

For the New School Year

Sigh. The last real day before classes...Coincidentally, my birthday always has a bittersweet arrival, because it signals the end of summer, the commencement of a new time, the end of dripping moist possibilities and instead the thin crackly veneer of icy hope and aspiration. For this school year, I have a couple of expectations, hopes, and demands. (Yes, demands!) I want this to actually be an ok year, and I'd like to feel like I got something out of my two years here, so here are my plans.

1) To be well, physically. I'd really like to avoid any recurrence of last year's tendonitis, at all costs. I vow to take care of myself physically, and do everything in my power to avoid reinjury, aid strengthening, and target my physical issues.

2) To be happy, and if the conditions at school do not encourage immediate joy, then I need to work at it. Conditions are already present for happiness, I just have to acknowledge them.

3) To be social, when appropriate. I had a few moments of selective hibernation, and I'd like to be socially pro-active, when possible.

4) To learn the most about teaching and work the hardest at becoming a better teacher.

5) To learn some sweet contemporary music and to get involved with others who are interested in the same.

6) To organize or participate in some outreach performances, whether solo or with piano, chamber group, etc. This is a very direct way to give back with music.

7) To take GOOD classes, or at least decent ones. Last years were a bust.

8) To get back into yoga, when my wrist is functional.

9) To participate in the Blooming Lilac sangha, and find a community of people there that share similar goals and aspirations.

10) To follow the 5 mindfulness trainings as best I can. :)

I'm sure that there are plenty of other things that I should be thinking of, but this seems like a pretty thorough list for now.

September has beaten the crap out of August in terms of temperature, but I'm hoping August will fight back in a week or so. Till then, it's sweater time.

TNH Illness and more

I was perusing blogs and saw the letter from TNH about his illness, which was quite beautifully articulated. You can check it out here: TNH

One of the things that I am hoping for this year is that things will and can be better. I know that I am in charge of my own happiness, and that I should do my best to ensure that I am happy. Coming back to school makes me a bit nervous and frustrated, since I'd rather not be here. At the same time, I'm really glad that I don't have to relive last year again- I don't have to audition for ensembles, I don't have to take placement tests- everything is actually quite pleasant right now, I'd say. I've had a lot of fun having MJ stay here with me this week, we've had impromptu dance parties and we share all of our meals together, which is really cute. It's been a great way for me to transition back into the possibility of dealing with school and not hating it. My wrist/arm system has been a little sensitive this past week, probably because of the long break that I took (almost 2 weeks!) but I have hope that it will behave itself in a few more days. (Maybe I can get a massage!) I'm also trying to keep optimistic about all of the things in my life-teaching, school, classes, friends...it was so hard when everything fell apart last year, but I feel like that can't happen again, just by the laws of chance and whatnot. So here's to a positive new year at school, and a better year than last.

k

listening to: michael jackson, queen, and jens lekman