The Butter Pie Effect

Isn't it strange how one action can change the whole course of successive events in a profoundly short period of time?  For me, at least, that's what happened.  The irony in all of this, is that I know whose opening I will be occupying-it's Anne Aderman's, who in course took Mary-Kathryn's opening when she went to OSQ last October.  Anne got married in the fall, and has decided to move to be with her beau.  Strange?  Yes.  Very.

I in turn had a very nice chat with Roger about my skills and shortcomings as a player, and he was quite supportive, which I needed.  I feel utterly unqualified to be going down there, but I'm sure it'll be fine once I get over my initial terror.  I have been so fortunate to have teachers that really value me as a person and a player, and when prodded, will remind me that I don't suck.  I think that's why I will always love Carol more than almost any teacher I've had.  I felt that she was so quick to analyze me, but right in all ways, and that she could really see and appreciate the gifts I had to offer, while quickly realizing how shitty my bow arm was when I met her.  It's such an amazing feeling when your mentors and role models look at you in a way of respect and care, especially when you can't always do that for yourself.

On the more entertaining side of things, I'm playing in the next rotation of orchestra here at NEC, which means that the concert will be the evening before I fly to Miami for my first trip.  I will also be last stand, or second to last stand, which is pretty bloody hysterical to me.  I will also be playing all German repertoire.  Anyone else amused?  It does make my schedule a little insane, but I almost feel like I should suck it up, since there's a positive social aspect of playing in orchestra, and many of my friends are in this rotation, and I may not see them for a while.  (Did I also mention that I, hater of orchestra, and am actually applying to Tanglewood this year?  I never thought it would happen, but I just happened to fall in a crowd of 5-6 people at NEC that are my closest friends, who are all going back.  I never wanted to go earlier, because I didn't think I would survive that much orchestra.  But since I'm already going off the deep end, I think I'll be fine now.  Also, they have the contemporary players, and I always wanted to be one of those, and this could be a chance to be a Fromm player in the future.  I still might not like all of it, but it's certainly worth a shot.  Anyway, I can only take off 1 week in the spring for summer festival auditions, and TMC is one of the 3 auditions I can take. )

On the flip side, I did my "Where the Wild Things" outreach presentation for 4 preschool and Kindergarten classes this week (electric viola and improvised tunes) and played my piece for electric vla, percussion, and piano on Monday, to decent acclaim.  So I promise to keep it real, wherever I end up.  I don't want to lose sight of my other dreams-the rock/improv/contemporary ones, the baking/yoga/kids books ones.  I'm just going where the universe is telling me to go.  (The universe is also telling me that I'm very pale, and I'm very curious to see what skin tone I could actually become by May.  As a perpetually pasty girl, it will definitely be an adventure...)

Listening to: The Age of Adz by Sufjan.  Listen to it.  Buy it, stream it, live it.

Me? Really? In Miami?

Yes.  It's true.  I am moving to Miami, at least for the spring. Why? How?  Because I strangely, randomly, and bizarrely have been called by New World to finish off their season for them.  I, who was told that I played so poorly by the excerpt coach at Eastman.  I, who had so many truly dreadful orchestral experiences in my undergrad and at Eastman.  I, who haven't been to an orchestra festival since 2005.  I feel like a cheater!  I just played my first audition for them in March, played decently, but not amazingly, and I still haven't subbed with them normally, and now I'm invited for the rest of the year?  'Tis indeed quite strange, if I say so myself.

In many ways, it was an obvious decision.  Losing money/loans/rent vs. making money.  But on a larger scale, it is evaluating whether the work I'm doing here is so valuable as to forfeit this particular option.  The answer I came up with is no.  I haven't had time to practice enough, by my standards, and I feel like I'm not spending enough time practicing to really get my money's worth.  I'm playing in some great ensembles and some not-so-great ensembles, but neither is something that I couldn't get into if I came back next fall.  I have a lovely apartment with nice roommates, but we're all so independent that my rise and fall will be a fluid transition of a change of guard.  It's scary though-this whole moving/making adult decisions thing.  I'm not used to cool things like this happening, and I know that my parents are a little surprised at the turn of events.  My mom was worried that Roger and Kim would be angry at me for leaving, and I guess they don't really understand how professional engagements work.  You basically go wherever the spirit takes you and do what the universe instructs.  The cool thing, is that I haven't technically been offered a fellowship, because I'm currently enrolled.  I'm going as a full-time sub, which gives me a lot more flexibility after-I can choose to stay (re-audition anyway) or come back to Boston.  I'm frankly terrified at having made such a decision, but neither Roger nor Kim were too concerned, and that's a good thing.  They seemed totally fine with my decision, and the work I've been doing for Kim is not deeply personal.  (She's also going on sabbatical next semester, and she'll spend 6 weeks+ abroad).

There are definite consequences though-I've just reconnected with lots of old friends, and made some good new ones, and now I'm leaving.  I've finally made some good contemporary contacts and Boston, and once again, I'm leaving.  I'm doing my outreach fellowship concerts this week, and that's really picking up well-the whole electric viola/improv stuff is going very well!  I've finally settled into life here, and now I'm leaving.  But it serves me right in many ways.  I've known that I have flexibility in schedule  and finances that few other people have. I'm not getting married any time soon, I don't have tons and tons of loans, and I don't have any real regional ties.  I'm a free agent, and this is what the universe has thrown me.  I've chosen to catch, rather than watch it fly by, and for now, that seems like a good choice.

(As a side note, I notice that NWS has a few slightly silly questions on their website, all of which I have begun putting time into thinking about, even if I don't end up on the website.
Musical Heroes: David Bowie, Kim K., Karen Tuttle, John Lennon, (Sufjan!)
Recently Played: Grizzly Bear, Sufjan, Radiohead, Arcade Fire, Deerhunter
Favorite Piece of Music: Ooh...that's tough.  Avante-garde?  Or old fav like Daphnis?
Interests: improv, children's books, yoga, baking, shoes, loose-leaf tea.
If I were not a musician, I'd be: a merchanise seller for bands.)

Re-evaluating the circumstances

In a shocking turn of events, I've stopped hating orchestra, or at least, orchestra isn't the worst experience on earth, like it used to be.  After my illustriously tragic experiences at Eastman (Neil Varon?), I was totally and utterly put off by orchestra careers, and orchestra in general.  Between some challenging chairs, lazy people, and a cruel tyrant of a conductor, I was totally put off from doing anything orchestrally.  Before that, at NEC, experiences had been mixed at best, and never anything that I wanted to sign up for in a long term manner.  I basically didn't have any major positive ensemble experiences since high school, and my former enthusiasm for ensemble expired somewhere mid-undergrad.  I'm not really sure what happened exactly.  Somewhere down the line, I just stopped caring.  I didn't really think I had the patience for all the damn auditioning (I still don't think I do) and I didn't think I could have the same job for decades.  I was disheartened by the lack of enthusiasm that many orchestral musicians have for their work, and I was worried that I might lose my love of music.  These ideas still stand-I'm still not looking forward to auditioning, and I'm still not entirely excited by the moral and ethical situation of auditioning for jobs.  But, I don't hate orchestra right now.

Since I've moved back to Boston, I've finally worked with decent conductors, who are both artists and strong educators, and program a wide range of repertoire.  I've been playing with musicians who learn their parts and give it their all, if not all the time, then at least some of the time, which is a vast improvement from my previous orchestral experiences.  I've avoided orchestra for so long, because I've had such negative experiences, both with suspect repertoire,  (Scheherazade x 4?)  But I'm actually enjoying the ensemble experience, between working with good people, playing decent rep, and not doing too much Brahms.  (German romanticism is a separate issue-I still have a limited tolerance for that.)  I've also realized that while I love contemporary music most of all, I can still do that if I did an orchestral program of some sorts.  Tanglewood has a huge contemporary festival.  Spoleto is doing an opera by Sariaaho, which is super awesome.  If I only focus on contemporary stuff, I might limit my connections, my experiences, etc.  I haven't been able to audition for just anything since I've been stuck in the far north of the US, but now it's time to diversify.  Try different things.  Audition for something that's not-Canadian.

That doesn't mean I'll be taking the BSO audition anytime soon, or preparing for the multi-year professional audition track.  It just means that I'm shifting my priorities, expanding my options, and no longer hating on the orchestra experience.  last week, I saw the BSO play Adams' Dr. Atomic Symphonic and the "Miraculous Mandarin" by Bartok, and I was so dismayed to see so many members of the orchestra totally unenthusiastic about the music, miscounting, or just phoning it in.  What makes these musicians believe that contemporary music is something to half-ass?  Or that Bartok simply isn't fun?  I can still prefer a certain kind of music at the end of the day, but do a good job playing multiple kinds of music.  I've never thought about making the system work for me, or for creating opportunities for myself.  If I was in an orchestra, I could create a contemporary ensemble in the group, or write my own outreach scripts doing crazy stuff, or do a combination of the things I love.  Orchestra doesn't have to be a prison sentence, and I might actually enjoy it sometimes.  So I'm making a first step and applying for some orchestral festivals.  That's all I can handle now, especially after October, in which I was in three orchestral cycles simultaneously.

*On the bright side, I'm playing with a kirtan singer tomorrow night, and I'm working on a contemporary piece for viola, percussion, and piano for Steve Drury.  (So orchestra is good, but I can still do all the things I like too.  It just means that my room is a bit untidy.)

Fighting with metta

(from 1-30-09)

Today, I definitely encountered some obstacles to my goal of being a nice person.  While those who know today's situation would empathize, I still wish I could implement loving-kindness better.

First story: At my B of A, you can cut through the parking lot to get to the ATM.  I've never encountered any problems with this in the last 6 months, so today I cut through, only to stop behind a parked a car at the other side of the driveway.  A short rotund burly man walked by a proceeded to *royally* bitch me out.  He never stopped once to see my reaction or my response.  He went on and on in a really nasty tone how cars speed through the parking lot, endangering his customers, and how he's running a business that we (I!!) am infringing upon.  He went on for a few minutes and I didn't say anything.  I wanted to be really friendly, but he was accusatory, as though I had done it millions of times (about once every two weeks), and he went on and on about how rude it was, how he was fed up with everyone, etc.  It was really painful.  I wanted to be nice, but at the same time, I wanted to scream at him, because I'm not the frequent offender, I'm not someone that does these things too often, and I didn't earn his hatred.  At the end, I said that it was fine, I would pull out of the parking lot, but I added that "you could've told me in a nicer fashion."  As I rolled up my windows and locked my doors, he continued to scream, and I proceeded to leave the parking lot, hoping that he wouldn't attack my car.  I was so shocked by his hostility that I didn't know what to do- I'm rarely accused in such an attacking manner.  As I was pulling out, I thought of Sharon Salzberg...and asked myself what she would do?  She would probably use an anecdote like this in a book, to illustrate a point about hate or pain or something.  I tried to give the crazy parking man some metta as I pulled out, but it was ridiculously hard.  No one had ever told me not to cut through before, and one of the side streets was closed off, so it was a little harder than normal to get there.  

Second story: We had a DREADFUL orchestra rehearsal...the kind that make you want to hide in bed all night and not show up for the concert.  It was really terrible.  Yes, people weren't playing together...but we had a good rehearsal on Wednesday, and maybe people were too tired or something today.  The conductor consistently reamed us for rehearsal, went over by 35 minutes, and then bitched us out, saying that "you shouldn't book things after rehearsals" since a few people left when he ran over.  He also gave us many spiels about how we can't watch, we'll never get a job, how everything is sloppy, nothing is together...  it was really just downer after downer.  It was harsh.  The morale was at an extreme low for the ensemble...so it's hard to imagine what the concert will be like tonight.  Not to mention that we played an extra long rehearsal 2 hours before a concert.  Bad plan, dude.  I tried really hard not to allow the frustration bubble up inside me, but that metta was long gone.  I couldn't really think of any sympathy-earning situations from this conductor, since all three of my concerts this year with him have been depressing yell-at-you type concerts, where the sense of fear is palpable, and each mistake is a new opportunity for humiliation.  (Ben Zander, where are you?  Mistakes!!!!!)  I do worry about the rest of the semester, and the general morale of everyone in the orchestra.  Everyone was either angry or upset...my stand partner looked like she might cry for at least 30 minutes.  I don't know what to do...maybe I'll trying to send some metta to everyone in the orchestra...and maybe the conductor???  

Anyway, it was an opportunity for me to really experience the hate, the pain, that so many Buddhist authors talk about, and to realize how anger is much more difficult to tame than I think.  I have so long to go.   

Currently listening to:  Ugh.  Don't even ask.  This was week 3 in Scheherazade, and I have had that *&#)% #*%&@)!& piece going in and out of my brain.  This weekend will hopefully have purged it from my being.