I'm Beginning to Be Ok here.

I'm conflicted about being here, that's for sure.  It's very strange, in many ways.  It's like a socialogical study in strangeness, when it comes to the people, but it's such a lovely ensemble to play in (aside from the fact that I've probably had considerable hearing damage from the past 3 weeks, and I have to wear earplugs through most all rehearsals less I have trombone/trumpet caused ringing in my ears) and it's an amazingly beautiful city and area in most ways.  I sometimes get really frustrated with the people and the whole social situation, which is pretty much dysfunctional in the highest.  I've had conversations with many people in the orchestra, and even though I live and see them every day, they don't say hi.  It's ridiculous.  I know people still think I'm a sub, which is fine, but I'm just getting tired of always having to explain myself, "no, I'll be here for the next four months, so it'd be cool if you said hi sometimes, because I'm going to think you're a bitch otherwise, and please don't friend me on facebook if you don't say hi to me in the Plymouth, because that means you're lame."  I've had that from a lot of people here, and I'm just amazed at the social amatureness of these folks.  It shouldn't matter if I'm a sub or not-common courtesy still exists, and you should say hi to people or smile at people that are in the same fucking orchestra that you play in for 3-6 hours a day.  Duh.  So anyway, that being said, I'm finding my way, and doing my own thing.  Yes, I do have a few friends here, but I don't have anyone that's really been my friend throughout the last few years, and it's hard to go from having close friends of longevity, to making new acquaintances that aren't really sure whether or not to invest in you personally, because you might leave.  Now that I've figured that out, I'm not so concerned, because I just don't care.  I initially felt like such an intruder on this pre-existent social hierarchy, but now that I've seen most people interact with each other, I'm not as concerned about my lack of social skills, frankly.  ( Pool-side Keg parties will bring out some suspect personality traits in folks.)I'm doing ok doing most things on my own, and that's how it's going to be, it seems.  I think I went the whole day without interacting with anyone, except for two brief conversations in the Plymouth.  But it was ok!  I ran 4.5 miles in 40 mins, which is terrific, and whenever I get concerned about my social well-being, I just go for a run at sunset, and get pummeled by the infinite beauty and wisdom of this little island at the end of the world.   You couldn't wish for a more beautiful crepuscular run.

People are starting to talk to me, little by little-I'm just impatient for people to get with it.  But for the next two weeks, I'm focusing on my trip to Boston, and my festival auditions, and that gives me enough to concern myself with that none of this really matters, except improving my tan.  That definitely matters.

Listening to: Sigur Ros

Beethoven, or why I don't want to be your friend.

In listening to the new mates of states' cover of "Laura", I can safely say that I am not ready to make new friends. After a day of festival bonding, I am totally drawn to isolation. I am all about being sociable and extroverted and all that, but I'm not ready to discard my old friends from Eastman. I'm still processing the rise and fall of my connections with them, and even though many of them are leaving Rochester by the time I return, I can't forge new friendships yet. I just want to hold onto the ones I have, and make them stronger. Maybe it means that I'm lame for not wanting to read quartets at night, but I just don't want to be just anyone's friend. I want to be your acquaintance, and maybe your colleague, but we've only got like 9 days, and I just am not in the mood yet to make new alliances. So I'll creep into the dark velvety abyss of the internet, where I can read articles about bands on pitchfork, read people's blogs, and listen to music. (Oh and look at etsy and regretsy, and everything else.)

I'm so proud of myself for even practicing so much in the last 48 hours, and being able to play quartets today, after my longish hiatus. After that, it's hard to be motivated to socialize in excess. (Speaking of the internets, I am pleased to announce that Beach House is touring with Vampire Weekend in the fall, and yes, I already bought tickets to see them in NYC in September, but they are also playing in Boston, which means that I could see them at home instead. Tempting, although it would be great to see them in radio city music hall. Either way, I'm super excited about seeing Beach House, and maybe I'll see them in June in Buffalo (6/20). Their album "Teen Dream" is really amazing. Check it out.)

music ideas in only a few words:

*the smiths can only be in small doses, like spicy food. otherwise, everything gets very hazy.

*joanna newsom's new album sounds like joni mitchell. that's a good thing.

*lily allen is a much better popstar than most. very witty, even if she's on a major label and has some over amplified sounds.

*sharon jones is amazing. kudos to her for rocking out in her 50's.

*i'm embarrassed to say that parts of the new moon soundtrack are very good. why did so many artists think they needed to contribute songs for the sake of emo vampire teens?

*i don't think i can ever be a purely classical musican. I keep having to work on some contemporary rep here to keep from losing my mind in Beethoven.

*i'm thinking about the handmade cookbook I'm going to send to grizzly bear, and i'm very excited. i'm also allowing myself to totally indulge in my popular music habits. it's summer, and i don't give a crap. obsession, take over.

(here's a new favorite from the new moon soundtrack: grizzly bear +lead singer of Beach House=slow success. not the best recording quality, but gets the just across. and p.s., i'm still waiting to meet daniel rossen on public transportation, and have him fall madly in love with my baked goods. hey, it could happen!)

Sangha

I've come to realize that what i missed last year was sangha, or community. It doesn't matter what form the community takes- it doesn't have to be a yoga community, a buddhist community, or any other specific form, but just having people who are kind, thoughtful, and care about you. MJ and I had a small party on Saturday, and it was a great party- a nice mix of people came, and I made lavender chocolate cupcakes, and we realized "yes! we have more than 2 friends now!". We have a community of acquaintances, which we never really had last year much. She has some saxophone homies and I have some viola homies, but we have some non-sax-viola friends, which is nice. I also 'joined' (if you call it that) a buddhist sangha in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh, called the blooming lilac sangha, which met yesterday. It was only about 8-9 people, and we meditated for an hour, listened to a dharma talk, and had dharma discussion afterwards, and it was great. Everyone was so kind and welcoming, and this was the first of the three buddhist groups that really embraced me, which makes me want to return. The Tibetan group was very nice as well when I went, but there were too many people, and I sort of fell into the cascade of anonymity in the group. They also didn't meditate, which I really wanted anyway. The zen center people were nice, but the practice itself seemed too sterile for me, what with people wearing robes all the time, and the infamous "stick" that you hit people with. I also felt like I stuck out in the meditation, because I didn't have any fancy-pants robes to blend in with. But this group, Blooming Lilac, seems to be for me. In our discussion yesterday, everyone wanted to know what I did, where I was from, and everything else, and it was really quite nice to be supported already by a group of loving and caring people. Afterwards, I went to the studio viola party, and joined another sangha, to be cared for once again, and it was lovely. So yes, sangha is important, and it is one of the things I lacked last year. I look forward to having more caring people in my life again.

listening to: bjork, dark was the night, arcade fire, michael jackson

As I walked the empty streets, I was filled with the company of my memories.

As I walked the damp streets of Boston back to the apartment where I've been staying this week, I was alone in my thoughts and surrounded with the memories of years. In Harvard Square, I walked by Au Bon Pain, where I saw my dad eating dinner with me four years ago, and I saw my mom in the children's bookstore on the corner where Curious George makes his home. I saw myself at Border Cafe with different groups of people, going to Toscanini's for ice cream after orchestra concerts, going out before BPO concerts. I walked on the Charles river on Saturday, and I remembered walking with my father from Cambridge to Boston, one ambitious fall day, and I saw the hotel my mother and I stayed in when I moved to Boston 5 years ago. Taking the green line home reminds me of last summer and my daily commutes to Newton, and walking on Park reminds me of all the people who I've visited on that street. Some of those people have come and gone from my life-despite what facebook tries to tell you, you can't stay in touch with everyone from your past. People disappear over time from your life, and your shared memories are your gifts to the future and present. Friends move, people change, and you must have the wisdom to know when to hold on, and when it's time to let go. Sometimes, distance and change can keep people together, but other times, it is the wind which blows the sand away. Rather than cling to something that has long past, we can only hope that we will build new memories, with new people, and that those too may fade. But to have experienced them at all, is what is most important and most valuable.
I'm not at home in Rochester because I have no stored memories there, and even now, I feel like a visitor in a place I don't want to build memories in. I have a few moments of company here and there, but most of my memories inhabit the winding paths and brick buildings of Boston. They wait like ghosts in the caverns of my mind, and when I invite them in, they make themselves at home, until they too, slowly fade away, like the last goose flying away for winter into the dusky sunset.

Currently listening to: the Dodo's.

Winter Was Hard.

I've been in quite a blue funk these last few days and weeks.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why I haven't been Miss Smiley lately, but I'm hoping the sequence of events doesn't happen again.  Without going on a serious rant, here's why this year and (why this school) has really sucked for me.  Hopefully, next time will be better.

1) Rochester is a really depressing place to live.  The lack of sunshine, the decrepit buildings, being hit on during the daily walk to school-these things all really take a toll on me, a toll that I didn't predict.  I miss being able to walk places, feeling safe after dusk, and being confident that I might not be mugged on the way to school.

2) This school makes me angry.  Orchestra is awful, chamber music isn't amazing, and class selections aren't that interesting.  I thought that I might take "great" classes at Eastman, or at least, that's what I was told, but instead, it's really just the same mumbo jumbo as everywhere else.  There's just more busywork.  I hate knowing that my teacher is the only full-time tenured *female* string faculty, and that sexism can still be happening.  I hate finding out that what I wear to my jury may have affected the outcome, or that I play the viola in a "feminine" fashion.  What the fuck.  I hate that programming, repertoire, and classes are very conservative- composers have existed after 1950?  Wow.  Both the students and teachers are conservative in their perspectives, and that infuriates me to no end.  I hate that the library doesn't use a sensor and that every time I am looking for something that should be on the shelves, it's AWOL.  (use a sensor or tattle-tape.  seriously)  I hate that most of the people here seem obsessed with music, but don't necessarily have a good grip on reality and the current state of classical music.  The so-called "hottest" school of music really just has problems with its heating system and some of the foxiest gay men around.  Everything else is just brutally cold.

3) I have really hated being injured.  I haven't been able to write much, do yoga, or practice, and that has affected me in ways I simply could never have predicted.  I have had nothing to do, and I think that has made me dwell on the problematic and melancholy things in my life.

4) I have really missed my friends from NEC, and it's been tragic to grow apart from friends that I had hoped to be closer with.  It's sad that sometimes the people who you care about don't care about you, or simply don't know how to.  To see a friendship pass from closeness to distance is really awful.

5) I haven't been able to tell my family about all the minor tragicomedic elements in my life, which has made me feel distant from them.  It's also been sad to see the tension erupt between my mom and her sister, while also realizing that my grandparents will not live forever.  It doesn't help that we had to put my dog down.  

6) What perhaps has been the worst is that as I have felt consistently better about my playing this year, I have been receiving fatty rejections and disapprovals everywhere, including here at Eastman.  Between my juries, the concerto competition, and orchestra, I have at times wondered whether the musical elements I value will ever be seen by anyone else.  Is it really possible for my playing to be as invisible as the rest of me has been for so long?  (And did I mention that my graduate award has been f*ed up two years in a row?  Or that many of my kitchen appliances and personal possessions have broken this year?  Or that I have been told by multiple peers (but not carol) that my viola and bow just aren't good enough, and that I should buy a new one?  (how?  with what money???))

I imagine it's not hard to see why I don't like it here.  But on the bright side...

1) I have a small but delightful group of people.  And I mean small.  BUT it's ok, because my people actually care about me!  And my well being!  And my shitty self esteem!  

2) It is spring now, so the nasty weather can't get me down.

3) I'm closer to Canada now, and Canada is awesome.  I'm excited to spend my summer there.

4) I have my teacher's sympathy and disdain for the system that has worked against me, in multiple manifestations this year.  And while that doesn't solve anything, it does help, quite a lot.

5) I'm going to beast my repertoire this summer and next year, as a royal fuck you to this *esteemed* educational establishment and the people who think that I suck.  And even if no one notices, I will know that I am worthy, even if every one cannot see me or my merits.  And that's that.

Listening to: the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack.