I've been in quite a blue funk these last few days and weeks. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why I haven't been Miss Smiley lately, but I'm hoping the sequence of events doesn't happen again. Without going on a serious rant, here's why this year and (why this school) has really sucked for me. Hopefully, next time will be better.
1) Rochester is a really depressing place to live. The lack of sunshine, the decrepit buildings, being hit on during the daily walk to school-these things all really take a toll on me, a toll that I didn't predict. I miss being able to walk places, feeling safe after dusk, and being confident that I might not be mugged on the way to school.
2) This school makes me angry. Orchestra is awful, chamber music isn't amazing, and class selections aren't that interesting. I thought that I might take "great" classes at Eastman, or at least, that's what I was told, but instead, it's really just the same mumbo jumbo as everywhere else. There's just more busywork. I hate knowing that my teacher is the only full-time tenured *female* string faculty, and that sexism can still be happening. I hate finding out that what I wear to my jury may have affected the outcome, or that I play the viola in a "feminine" fashion. What the fuck. I hate that programming, repertoire, and classes are very conservative- composers have existed after 1950? Wow. Both the students and teachers are conservative in their perspectives, and that infuriates me to no end. I hate that the library doesn't use a sensor and that every time I am looking for something that should be on the shelves, it's AWOL. (use a sensor or tattle-tape. seriously) I hate that most of the people here seem obsessed with music, but don't necessarily have a good grip on reality and the current state of classical music. The so-called "hottest" school of music really just has problems with its heating system and some of the foxiest gay men around. Everything else is just brutally cold.
3) I have really hated being injured. I haven't been able to write much, do yoga, or practice, and that has affected me in ways I simply could never have predicted. I have had nothing to do, and I think that has made me dwell on the problematic and melancholy things in my life.
4) I have really missed my friends from NEC, and it's been tragic to grow apart from friends that I had hoped to be closer with. It's sad that sometimes the people who you care about don't care about you, or simply don't know how to. To see a friendship pass from closeness to distance is really awful.
5) I haven't been able to tell my family about all the minor tragicomedic elements in my life, which has made me feel distant from them. It's also been sad to see the tension erupt between my mom and her sister, while also realizing that my grandparents will not live forever. It doesn't help that we had to put my dog down.
6) What perhaps has been the worst is that as I have felt consistently better about my playing this year, I have been receiving fatty rejections and disapprovals everywhere, including here at Eastman. Between my juries, the concerto competition, and orchestra, I have at times wondered whether the musical elements I value will ever be seen by anyone else. Is it really possible for my playing to be as invisible as the rest of me has been for so long? (And did I mention that my graduate award has been f*ed up two years in a row? Or that many of my kitchen appliances and personal possessions have broken this year? Or that I have been told by multiple peers (but not carol) that my viola and bow just aren't good enough, and that I should buy a new one? (how? with what money???))
I imagine it's not hard to see why I don't like it here. But on the bright side...
1) I have a small but delightful group of people. And I mean small. BUT it's ok, because my people actually care about me! And my well being! And my shitty self esteem!
2) It is spring now, so the nasty weather can't get me down.
3) I'm closer to Canada now, and Canada is awesome. I'm excited to spend my summer there.
4) I have my teacher's sympathy and disdain for the system that has worked against me, in multiple manifestations this year. And while that doesn't solve anything, it does help, quite a lot.
5) I'm going to beast my repertoire this summer and next year, as a royal fuck you to this *esteemed* educational establishment and the people who think that I suck. And even if no one notices, I will know that I am worthy, even if every one cannot see me or my merits. And that's that.
Listening to: the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack.
