Our Impossible Soul

Most times, men don't get it.  They don't understand why women have this fragility, this fear about sex, their bodies, and being violated.  Sometimes, it's because we can't really express the things that have happened in our past.  Sometimes, it just an innate fear bred in us from our parents, or our backgrounds, or our religion.  It'd be nice if all women felt comfortable enough with their bodies to the point where sex and intimacy were not scary things.  But it turns out that many women feel this way (not just me!).  Sometimes I forget about this possibility, since I always imagine the insecurities that I feel are just my problems.  How did this whole thought process come about, you may ask?
    Well, my friend Tony asked me why I don't really date people.  And after a very long winded story detailing various negative experiences, he was like "whoah! I'm so sorry that these things happened to you.  But you still like men?  We're not all bad."  And I was beginning to realize (or at least think) that some of my reticence to date anyone was rooted in all of the negative experiences I had both in my freshman year incidents, and with my awful high school pseudo-boyfriend.  I've also noticed in the last year that I keep losing weight, but I'm not trying particularly hard.  if anything, I'm drinking more, which is in no way calorically beneficial.
       While I don't recommend making deep life decisions based on Oprah's O magazine (which I catch up on every year when I go to my grandma's house, where there is a stack of them), I came to this conclusion, thanks to the middle-aged women running O: My extra weight, basic tee shirt attire, and general shyness about appearance has all been a shield to prevent unwanted male affections.  The magazine suggested that one's extra weight can be like a shield, a wall, to the outside world, and in my case, quite possibly to the perpetrators of my sexual assault.  In the last two years, I've become more confident, both as a musician, and as a person. Living in Rochester made me feel like I could deal with anything, whether in terms of violence against women (crazy people living in Rochester!) or in terms of interpersonal relationships.  And I've been breaking down that wall so to speak (a woman cutting her hair is in the midst of a great personal change!).  For much of my undergrad, I was afraid to both be pursued romantically, and to actually have it happen.  I never really equated my fears with the sexual assault, mostly because I was just desperately trying to block it out of my head.  Strangely, I was never attracted to women, which for many people, would be an obvious result.  Despite the array of strange male experiences that I've had (especially the one where I was 3 or 4, and an older boy exposed himself in the kiddy pool, and then kissed me.  Ugh.  I just remembered he asked me to touch him, which I refused, and I never liked him because he always ate tuna for lunch and smelled suspectly.), I guess I've always believed that men are not altogether bad.  I've just run into a few bad ones.  Anyway, I think that my appearance has changed, accidentally, to reflect the internal changes that have occurred, and my growing confidence in most areas of my life.
     But to tie this anachronistic thread together, let me put in this point-the female sexual experience is very complicated, and women have a lot of baggage with sex.  I think it is absolutely possible to get over those issues, whether within a relationship, or just within oneself, but it is definitely an issue that is often glossed over.  Just last week, one of my friend's boyfriends was getting frustrated with her because she doesn't want to have sex as often as he does, and it's just such a male stereotype.  The man wants more sex, and the woman withholds.  But she's not doing it on purpose, it's more that she has a fair amount of reticence towards sex itself, towards her body, and towards the cultural and religious implications of sex.  It's crazy-or the women from more conservative backgrounds who have a terrifying fear of masturbation and vibrators, because our culture doesn't really include that viewpoint.  Yes, Sex and the City did great wonders for woman and sex, but it doesn't mean that we're encouraged to buy vibrators and go have an orgasm by ourselves.  There's still a lot of work to be done in that realm, both culturally and within our groups of friends, and despite the fact that most of my female friends are in their twenties, many of us still have sexual hangups or a fear of sex.  And it's not our fault-we're the product of our ages, our religions, our families, and the cultural expectation for sex is constantly changing, and we're not ready for it yet.  We can just do what we can, within ourselves, and hope for men to be patient with us, because it's our body, not theirs.

The Hood Internet - No One Womanizes Like You (Britney Spears x Department of Eagles) by hoodinternet

Listening to: the Hood Internet, Sufjan Stevens, Robyn, and Discovery

Sex and the City 2, and why Carrie Bradshaw is Kinda of a B

In the spirit of girliness, novelty, and camerederie, I went with my dear friend to the only English language movie theater in Quebec to see "Sex in the City 2." I probably wouldn't have seen it, at least not in theaters, or ever, since my girly side has been pretty nonexistent for the last two or three years. But I thought, it could be good. Maybe I've changed, or because I haven't watched the series in three and a half years, but most of the characters are pretty self-centered, egotistical, and materialistic, and I found it pretty heinous. A part of me is disappointed in my immediate reaction-I remember sitting around the television every couple of nights, and parceling out a few episodes to watch with my roommates, and having a fabulous time with it. As a show bridging the late nineties and millenium, it was pivotal-for empowering women sexually, fiscally, and otherwise. But at the same time, it reinforced some of the traditional gender/career issues: Carrie Bradshaw has an elusive writing job, but how the heck does she buy all of that stuff? Where does the money come from? Once she's married Mr. Big, he just provides for her in a way that I find mostly disappointing, and she lives this high socialite existence that has no grounding in reality. (I guess the show never had points for reality, and I just soaked it up, like everyone else.) I love Samantha's boldness, but she never has any regard for anything but sexual gratification, at any cost, especially in this movie. I appreciate Charlotte's regard for institutions, family, and everything else, but she doesn't have a job, and she has full-time nanny help, and lives in Manhattan. My pity is decreasing rapidly. The only character with whom I have always liked, for all of her sometimes bitchiness, is Miranda. Because she is powerful, smart, and struggling to combine her career aspirations with having a personal life and a child. I have always appreciated her issues, even if she had a few seasons in which she was mean to Steve in just about every way.
I remember being slightly annoyed when watching the first movie, two years ago, but it didn't bother me enough to take note, I guess. But this time, watching the absolute decadence and disregard for consequences, made me practically ill. The premise of the movie is that Carrie is "happily" married, lives in a very posh apartment, and is still unhappy, and is very mean to Mr. Big, for him not wanting to live the high life all the time. She's basically a super bitch. Then poof! They go on an all-expense paid vacation to the United Arab Emirates, and bring the most fashionably dysfunctional clothing I have ever seen worn in the middle east, land of birkas and sheets. Between the disregard for Islamic culture, and the flagrant materialistic obsession, I was sorely disappointed. I no longer care if someone broke a five thousand dollar bag with a waiting list. I never did, and I maybe just realized it now.
To me, fashion is about finding pieces that don't have to be expensive or couture, and making them go together. It's great if you have the money to buy a few expensive pieces, but when everything you wear is about the label and the designer, I think you're just wasting your money. Individuality means more when you're not fitting into someone else's idea of what's cool, or having $800 pumps in the middle of the desert. I just wish someone had some sense of reality, money, or what's real. Singing karaoke in the middle of the UAE with tons of other women certainly isn't, nor is Liza Minelli officiating at a gay wedding. (Both events occur in the movie.)
I think what draws us in over and again is the dream-of buying anything, of being anything, and of looking amazing and fabulous all of the time. It's a great dream, but I'll settle for my cheap sunscreen and fifteen dollar sandals the next time I'm in the middle east. I'll leave the Bulgari jewelry in the store, and treat my friends with respect and kindness instead.