Gala Darling

In the midst of a crazy week down here at NWS-opening hall, concert every night, rehearsal every morning...you get the idea, coupled with super stressed out people, I've been indulging in a new blog.  It's not actually new to the world, just new to me, and it's technically called "the playgirl's guide to radical self-love."  As a design, it's a little girly.  It's a lot girly, in fact, with pink and rhinestones and pictures of the author in crazy clothes and things like that.  But in fact, it's a very interesting blog, with some solid content on it.  Basically, the whole premise of the blog is to talk about "radical self love" which is a fancy way to say "women need to get some serious self-confidence and not be down on themselves."  The author is a 26 year old New Zealander, and while it does go into the self-help arena in many ways, and draw on self-help leaders such as Byron Katie, it manages to be relevant and fun without being too spiritual or dogmatic.
     While I don't know if I want to stay here in Miami Beach for an extended period of time, I'm really loving this practice vacation.  Yeah, it's still socially awkward with the fellows, but I'm having a great time with the subs who've been here all month, and that's great.  And more importantly, I'm having time to work on myself.  I've been feeling better about my worth as a human being and a woman for the past two years, but it's a definite work in progress, and I'm starting to feel the rewards of my work, after so many years of feeling bad about myself.  (And so I guess I'm an advocate of radical self-love too!)  For some tidbits to jump-start your self-evaluation, look at this post from last year's Valentine's Day, and think about how you, or someone you know, could start loving themselves a little bit more.  One of my favorites is this Eve Ensler quote:
“You have to give to the world the thing that you want the most, in order to fix the broken parts inside you.”


And for something a little sillier, here's one of my favorite youtube videos right now: 




It makes me just want to subscribe to Kanye's twitter feed, just so I could get lines like "I make awesome decisions, in bike stores."  Or "french fries are the devil."

Going Miami on Y'alls

So Miami, particularly South Beach, is sort of a trashy, dirty, sexy place-in mostly entertaining ways, of course.  Despite my lack of religious upbringing, I still have the remnants of a puritanical approach towards the body, particularly my own, and I'm anything but flirtatious.  I'm not a prude by any means-I swear, I drink, I hang out with guys-I just have some strange conservative elements of my persona, which I can't explain.  (For example, I tend to avoid clothes that showcase my assets, especially by Miami standards.  T+A+Legs.)  Why?  I can't really explain it, but somehow being considered sexy has always scared me. It could be a strange strain of feminism, or just my understanding that cleavage should always be understated, rather than omnipresent.  Or that short shorts and miniskirts have no place in regular society.  I don't know how I came up with these conclusions, but I think it must have originated from my consistent displeasure with my body over the last ten years.  I have always known that I'm not deeply and profoundly gorgeous, nor am I thin by any American standard.  I think those insecurities led to me choosing to wear t-shirts and jeans for most of the last ten years.  I never was thin enough to wear a bikini, and my mom rarely let me wear anything that bared anything.  I think there was always this need to shelter me from the reality of my body-"Don't wear short shorts, you're not as thin as the other girls.  Don't wear spaghetti strap shirts-your cleavage is much bigger and your arms aren't as small."  I don't remember exactly what my mom said to me in high school, but she was always concerned that I would wear something inappropriate, which as we all know now, is absolutely ludicrous.  When I was shopping for my formal dress last Christmas, I received a strange echo of my high school experience-every dress I tried on was too tight, too saggy, too low in the front, too low in the back, etc, that by the end of it, I figured I might as well wear a graduation gown for the number of options that I'd have.  I was lucky to find a beautiful gown that was both conservative, sexy, and classic, but in many ways, it demonstrates my own issues with my body, as well as my mom's insecurities with her own.  

Let me preface this all by saying that I'm a bit thinner than I used to be (not oodles, but 20+ pounds less than two years ago) and that my accidental weight loss has gradually ushered in a new level of bodily security.  I've also been engaged in a fabulous flirtation with a dreamy cellist for most of the last month, which also boosted confidence immensely, despite the fact that I've totally peaced out, and have no idea if anything more substantial could've happened.  Anyway, the point is, I'm using Miami as an excuse to buy some ridiculous clothing, get a few more freckles (I don't really tan all that well), and embrace my assets.  To celebrate that, I bought a minidress so mini that there are shorts built into it, therefore making it a romper, I believe.  I am also scanning the sale racks everywhere for some sweet tank tops, since I currently own 2.  This is not to say that I don't have any musical or cosmic goals-instead, this is just own of them.  I'm not a superficial person, most of the time, and perhaps it's time to indulge a little self-preservation and image promotion, while I learn how to play in an orchestra.  And Miami is going to help with all of those things.

The splendor of the sound

I was so fortunate today as to have two sonorously fulfilling experiences-my recital went well, and I just saw "Music for 18 musicians." I played the whole bach suite 6, the theofanidis "flow my tears," and the shostakovich sonata. For 5 weeks of preparation, I actually thought it went pretty well. I mean, my intonation was a bit dodgy, but I am very much humbled and impressed by the feedback I received from everyone who attended. It was so overwhelming to be surrounded by caring people who were open to my performance.

I had been feeling ok about the whole recital thing, but neither pumped nor terribly worried about it. Maybe because most of my most stressful concerts already happened, or because it was an early afternoon concert, or whatever, I simply wasn't that nervous and that ended up being a very good thing. It's possible that I'm just getting better at performing, because there were moments when I completely forgot that there were tons of people there, and I just went into this magical zone in which time stopped and bach was supreme. It was rather odd, to say the least, but a good portion of the bach occurred with my body taking control and me watching and feeling the music while the rest of me executed it. It was transformative and scary, and not entirely new. I've also found that when the lights turn out and it's just me and a solo piece, there's a weird temporal continuum that opens up and I fall in. I lose myself in the music just enough, but manage to keep enough involvement that I don't tip over like a palm tree in a storm. (That's always a risk. Falling over, dropping my instrument, or having it go terrifically out of tune.) Most of the recital happened like this, in which I was aware of things happening (finger here, forearm there, lalala) but it was a very strange experience watching the rest of me play the viola. I guess that qualifies as an out of body experience, but it was more like being "more than present." We talk so much about being in the now, and experiencing the now. I was so in the now that I stopped thinking completely and it was damn strange. Mostly successful, though, which is always a good thing.

For now, I'll just repeat the beautiful compliments that everyone paid me after the concert. What I thought was 'good' or just 'solid,' turned out to be transformative, empowering, and beautiful to the audience. I am so honored to possess that power. My ego just got a huge bar of chocolate, and decadence is essential right now.

(music for eighteen musicians is like the ultimate minimalist dance tune. steve reich should have encouraged people to get on the stage and start dancing. in my heaven, we would all have a huge dance party to all sorts of music.)

Vampire Weekday, or Please Don't Talk To Me, I'm Busy Watching My Celebrity Crush

As many of you know, I went to Toronto on Tuesday for a most excellent concert by one of my favorite bands, Vampire Weekend. My love for specific bands usually goes in 1-2 month chunks- I'll get really obsessed with something for a while, then move on and temporarily forget about them, and rediscover them a few months later. Such is the case with many of my favorite groups, including V.W. My boss at the Boston Public Library first introduced them to me in the summer of 2008, so there are songs that I strangely associate with the city of Newton, MA, where I was residing at the time. I forgot about them for a year or so, then they released their new album this year- the single "Cousins" was take it or leave it for me, so I wasn't totally sold, but I had hope in their abilities, and I wasn't disappointed. Anyway, in February, when I coincidentally discovered that I had not passed prescreening at Colburn (WTF, but whatever) I decided I needed to be bold and highly decadent, and buy tickets to see a show. Thus this event came to pass. (I realize that's a lot of random backstory. Sorry)

Anyway, the bottom line is that the show was amazing- their music is really fun and energetic- it always makes me think of summer and drinking red stripe. I don't know that I would ever have a deep spiritual epiphany as a result of them, but it's just fun and interesting music. The show was very carefully crafted- they played most of the songs off the two albums, and the performance was mostly very similar to the actually albums. There weren't a lot of variations in terms of improvising solos, fills, and whatnot, but somehow that was mostly ok. What I was most excited about though, was the fact that the lead singer can actually sing. Many times, I am totally disappointed in bands when they play live, or even on TV, because I see how much post-production editing takes place. But this was the real deal. (And he was cuter in real life too.) The other thing that was so interesting to realize is that there was a certain masked sense of insecurity that was hidden in the show. These guys aren't that old- maybe all 24-26, and it was so interesting to see them project a certain confidence that was necessary, but at the same time a reserved nature underneath. I almost enjoyed knowing that the most. It was so interesting to realize that for all the praise we give bands and celebrities, they are still complicated people behind the projected persona. I can't really explain what exactly they did or didn't do that made me feel that way, it was probably something I just noticed as a fellow performer. It was like they could be courageous while performing, but as soon as they had to address 3,000 people, they were a little cautious, perhaps for good reason. Either way, it was fascinating.
We also went to an afterparty of sorts, which could have been more amazing, if we had had more cash...argh. So we had heard of a top secret afterparty in which the bassist would be DJ-ing, and we had only taken out about $60 Canadian for the day. We ended up spending a bunch of it on the taxi to get there, and then the cover fee for the party. We go in, and we see the lead singer (aka. my big celebrity crush) bartending. And we proceed to flip out. We don't want to seem too anxious and needy (MJ and I, that is), especially since we're not dressed as groupies: we're wearing normal clothes, and it's cold. After some milling about, we get in line, he takes our order, and then we're told that they don't take cards. Thus, we didn't really get to talk to him, and we went on a fruitless search for an ATM, and because Canada is stupid about VISA, were unable to buy a beer from him and talk about music. It kinda sucked, but we did get to sort of see him and have our order to taken. Tragic, truly. But here's what we decided: if we had talked to him, it would have been stupid superficial things, and we really wanted to know substantial things about them writing music, and influences, and things like that. We were just some groupies there to fawn over them, or at least not only fawn over them. Also, he might have been contrary to what my fantasy crush persona has allotted for him, which would then ruin the dream. And that would be unfortunate.
Anyway, the overall evening was a success, although I do regret not having the means to have a conversation with the lead singer, the boyish and charming ezra koening. I'll just have to settle for the music videos.


Thinking about: why I don't play in a band in Brooklyn or Canada. Apparently, that's where all the cool bands are, and I want in on that.

Words of Wisdom from the Trenches

My awesome pianist friend wrote my a very eloquent email last night in response to my blog, and I thought, since it's a hot topic, that you all should read it.

Hi Kayleigh,

Are you back in Rochester? It’s been sunny! and it’s warmer! I hope you don’t mind that I’m commenting on your blog post. As long as we are musician and are seeking a career in music, we share and struggle with this “endless” topic, I believe… So, here I wrote what I think about it and answers to some of your questions.

Fact 1: I get more rejection letters than acceptance letters. –but, I don’t actually remember them(rejections), because it’s not worth thinking about people who rejected me!
Fact 2: I was told to quit piano, because I suck at it, when I was in high school. –It took my entire undergrad to believe in myself again. And, I was told the same thing again by a different person much later, too.
Fact 3: I thought of quitting piano again in my masters at NEC, because I was very depressed by the fact I was not one of the successful ones in what I do.
Fact 4: Here I am in my doctoral study. I’m still striving for the same path of what I want to do.

Do you know exactly what you want to do with music and in your career? Can you picture yourself what kind of every day life and where you would be in 3 or 5 years? If you could answer this question (whatever the answer is –so many people end up with wherever his/her love-partner is.), I think, you are done.

I often think of some other people’s fact too: for examples, 1) my admirable current teacher, she did not settle until about 10 years ago, 2) my amazing studio pianist who won the CAG and has concert tour all the time, she now has to find a real management in order to continue her current concert-life. And, she will be facing to the pressure throughout her life if she wants it.

--"Do these festivals realize that so many of us tie our sense of self-worth with our ability to be successful in this front? Do these people know that hearts are broken because of this?" –It’s not worth thinking how much they care about our internal state of hapiness. I have an unopened rejection letter in my room, which I will never open…

--"How can we, as the sometimes rejected, keep up our sense of self-worth when we are constantly rejected from festivals/programs/more?" –Musicians need to be (or try to be, if you are not naturally one of these people) SELF-INDULGENT, so that you can keep believing in what you do.

--When do we acknowledge that point? The tipping point between dreams and reality? --you don’t stop trying unless you decide not to anymore. And, I think it’s important that somewhere in your mind you SEPARATE your music and your career progression. Ideally, The reality should always reflect what you deserve though it clearly does not work that way all the time. You should love what you do regardless of what’s happening to the reality.

I really want to tell you that it is my honest feeling that I was not disappointed by the result of CAG last year. Of course, I was mad, but sad. Because, at that time, I knew I made some progress in my playing by having a chance to compete in the competition, and I wouldn’t have been able to make the progress unless I did it. And, my self-improvement mattered for me. I will try again...

When I was depressed in my masters, I couldn’t save myself then. It was actually the time I met more local jazz musicians in Boston, found to do improv, and did more outside gigs. And, I just LOVED playing wherever and whatever music. Playing in church masses has been equally important in this regard, because I can do improv there!

Ah, one more question.

-- would you be very happy during that search? --I'm quite content now with what I'm doing. Well, a bit overwhelmed by how much I have to do in school perhaps... But, I get worried when I'm not busy.

Here are some thoughts that my mom taught me and I still believe in.

If you believe in what you do, you will eventually succeed.
If you don’t dream of what you want, you will never become of it.
The effort and the time you devoted for the thing you desire will never be wasted. You will get what you deserve in the end.

Do you think it’s silly to believe in them? I'm curious to know what you think. You can completely deny my thinking, because this is totally depending on my current thinking and my experience so far. I don’t know how I would be thinking differently next year.

Hope this isn’t an annoying long letter for you. I couldn’t help writing, because we all share this topic.

Futaba

I love her response and hope that those of you who are feeling lost and frustrated musically will continue on your journey with more courage and belief in yourself!

It's that Time! Rejection Fest 2010!

Yes, it's rejection fest 2010, folks! While I may have scraped by with just a total of 6 pfol's it is not time for my friends to get the same experiences that I have been coping with since January.

PFOL: please f*ck off letter. AKA: a rejection letter. Anyway, it's time for the summer festival rejection season to reap its damage on the innocent, the naive, and the well-intentioned musicians of the world.

Fact: most festivals have less money=less acceptances=more applicants=more unfortunate outcomes

Fact: most professional music related things are as much political as they are audition based. (I can't prove this one with money, just with experience.)

Fact: Each PFOL chips away at one's sense of self-worth and ability to ever succeed at music. (i.e. "If I can't get into festival X, I'll never get a professional job with orchestra XY.")
The question I want to ask is, "Do these festivals realize that so many of us tie our sense of self-worth with our ability to be successful in this front? Do these people know that hearts are broken because of this?" And I suppose more pertinently, "How can we, as the sometimes rejected, keep up our sense of self-worth when we are constantly rejected from festivals/programs/more?"
I can't answer any of these questions, and I can't allay our frustration with rejection. I can only hope that what I do, what you do, and what we do together, is a meaningful and worthwhile thing, and that it makes the world a better place. We also have to know that there may be a time when what we want in music is simply not possible. And that is a heartbreaking thing to realize, but we may have to address it eventually. When do we acknowledge that point? The tipping point between dreams and reality? I don't know-perhaps when it feels right. On one hand,it seems like one could go on forever and apply for things and never keep hoping for success, that one hidden acceptance, but at the same point, would you be very happy during that search? When does one reconcile external and internal states of happiness? You can be very happy when external things are succeeding, or be very solid internally, spiritually, when music things suck. Perhaps we have to acknowledge that these two realms are independent, but in the end, we are only our internal selves, not our external selves. Our happiness and worth as a human being should not depend on what we are accepted into, or rejected from, it should be the things we do in the world, and the way we act.
While I'm still bothered by the outcome of some of my auditions, we have to keep on, and remember that somebody still loves us and that we don't totally suck at life.

PFOL count: 6
Yale
Colburn
Prussia Cove
Yellow Barn (it was only a matter of time)
The Academy
Community MusicWorks

Self-worth: 8/10.

Currently listening to: Owen Pallett (aka. final fantasy)

Laughing with a mouth of blood

Yes, I've been laughing with a mouth of blood. (i.e. experiencing both the extremely good and the kinda bad)
Here's some events of note:
1) NEC audition last Wednesday. It went well, I think? I didn't get to play my ultimate jams (like the Penderecki!) but I did play a very good Ligeti mvmt, and a solid movement of Bach. I don't know that I got into Kim's studio, but we'll see what comes of that.
2) I found out right after my NEC audition that I didn't pass Colburn prescreening (again, WTF) and I didn't get into Prussia Cove. (couldn't have afforded it anyways). But really? Within hours of my audition? It was bad news bears.

3) I've been in full Harold mode, since the concert is on Monday at 8 PM! Send me good vibes/reiki. Today was the first rehearsal that I actually felt good about, especially since I started really practicing this piece last Thursday after my nec audition. I think it's going to be great. Period. I'm getting confident and less nervous. The first couple of rehearsals were really stressful for me- the orchestra didn't sound great, and I felt like everyone was judging me all the time, comparing me to the violinist playing the Vieuxtemps, etc. But in the end, it doesn't matter. I can't let that affect me, because the programming is beyond my control. Not everyone is going to know that I can really beast the viola, but I'll at least be confident in the 10 notes that I do get to play. That's all I can do.
So why was I laughing full of blood? Because I had to come home from an audition, completely deflated, and stand at the helm of an orchestra, having barely had time to practice the piece I was performing. I have to look confident and assured, even though the doubt that runs through me is palpable. My parents were really upset, vicariously, for me, even though it's not their problem or issue. The bottom line is that I don't have a plan for next year. I applied for a bunch of things, and basically got rejected from almost all of them, except NEC. I don't know how to take the rejection-a part of me just wants to scream and quit viola completely. For every leap that I've made in viola progress, I've received a bigger and more catastrophic consequence or rejection. How can I ever know if I'll succeed? For all that I am and that I think I offer, it is all a matter of opinion, of connections, and perhaps I cannot succeed in the way that I hope. Perhaps my dreams are too vast, too immaterial, to be true. I can never tell if I am a pebble in zen garden of pebbles, or if I am a pebble in a collection of treasures. I flip flop between believing in myself and my worth, and doubting my long term happiness. Can I ever love myself? Can anyone ever love me either? And what does the viola have to do with anything? I have no idea.

I know that for now, for three days, I need to be confident in my worth and my gifts, even if the demons that way beneath my surface threaten to capsize the ship. There are so many things worth appreciating in me- if I only can open my eyes enough to see them, they will shine beyond belief, radiating beyond my own perception. Then all of the trees of the field will clap their hands as they look upon me and my joy.

listening to: melon collie and the infinite sadness, grizzly bear, vampire weekend

Who I can be, Who I might be, Who I am now

One of the things that has been flitting around in my very cluttered mind is the paradox of mental states that befalls a musician. On one hand, we must constantly criticize ourselves and our work to become better musicians and teachers, and this constant self-analysis is what propels our progress and growth. However, when can we know that we are good enough? It's a parallel with our personal life- are we ever done changing and readjusting as people? I suppose not- if there's ever a time when I'm not learning and changing, then I will have arrived as a stagnant product. At the same time, how rarely we allow ourselves the opportunity to say "I am good enough, in this moment, because it's how I am." Our goal as musicians is theoretically the pursuit of perfection, the unreachable. One of my friends put up this quote, which I find quite relevant:

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen

When should we give up on this perfection that we so earnestly seek? When do we ever accept the way things are? Rarely, at least in my personal experience. I find myself in a constant struggle between success and failure, between confidence and tears, between weakness and the ego. Every day, I'm in a different phase of this cycle- some days I love myself, other days, I want to stay in bed and burn my viola. And yet, I can't give it up. It is the paradox by which I live, each day.

being

Things have been recovering quite nicely- I had a really dramatic November 22nd, what with the RPO sub audition, and the continually perplexing behavior of our excerpt coach towards me. But my ego has resurfaced, as least with more confidence. Partially because I talked to Carol about it, partially because she wouldn't let me play meekly in my lesson, partly because I realized that I don't do music because I want to please other people. I do music for myself and for the music itself- the language of the dead and the living, which can only be translated by a small group of people. If nothing else, I have encountered repeated rejection here at Eastman: rejection by adjudicators, peers, and my body. But, I have also encountered sincere support from Carol, form Erin, from MJ: people who believe that I'm both a musician and a great person, and that I'm worthy. When the world is hailing hate, they're a fuzzy blanket that I can tie around my shoulders like a child superhero. Their kind words give me the ability to regenerate my own confidence, even if it takes days or even weeks. And the suffering? Well, it sucks, but better to do it now, when performances will neither make nor break my career. I wouldn't have it any other way.

listening to: department of eagles, grizzly bear

The Clouds Press Down On Me So

Every morning, I look out my window with trepidation.  For months after the last snow, I have continued looking for those cool white pellets to fall from the sky, to ruin me.  The darkness never fades here- it is still overcast and grey even now, in the early days of June.  I can feel it all weigh down on me so, suffocating my desires.  In my car, I am constantly shocked that I can roll down the windows and rest my arm on the roof of my car.  I keep expecting the gloaming to come- the days of eternal cold, frosty breezes, and raw skin.  The darkness suggests that cold, but it doesn't come, not now.  But I wait.  I am careful.  

I still wear pants outside, and it has only been above 70 a few days so far.  

Even if I must obey the cruel weather's demands, I don't have to accept it.  Or like it.  I know that I will escape here soon, and that the sun will return to me, enlivening my dreams, my heart, my smile.  And you, Rochester, will have lost.  And you, Eastman, will have lost me.  You will no longer be able to force me down, below the deepest tunnels of lost hope.  I am here, here in my 7th story apartment, and I will go no lower.  I will not descend to your methods of oppression, your cruel words, your icy hug.  So I wait.  Wait for my revenge.

Moxy vs. Cockiness?

In my lesson on Saturday, Carol told me, after politely shredding me, that I had lost a bit of my confidence, or my "moxy."  Hmm...I wonder why????  My guess is that I am a little distraught at my current lack of abilities, or lack of preparation, or general lack.  How can we as performers balance a very self-critical interior with a confident performing presence?  How can we as people be both confident and self-affirming without being huge cocky asses?  This is my current dilemma.

How can one be confident and yet be able to accurately judge one's playing?  How can I balance self-criticism with confidence in the moment?  I really have no idea, honestly.  I feel like I'm actually pretty good at being confident while performing, but apparently, that hasn't been working out for me as of late.  How can we, as performers, be confident, but include the audience in our experience, while not being artificial or sycophantic?  Nothing is worse than a performer who is extremely egotistical in his performance (Yuri Bashmet?), especially when there's not much substance underneath.  I'm on a search though, to see how I can combine the substance and positive intentions of my playing with something that is confident and containing "pizzazz" (whatever that is).  

The recent lack of success here at the esteemed (ahem) ESM has attacked my sense of confidence and moxy, and has made me question myself and my abilities in a harsher way than usual.  Each day, each hour, I vacillate between feeling excitement and my playing and enthusiasm for the future, with despair and disgruntlement.  It's quite awful, honestly.  To never feel confident in myself is harsh enough, especially when I'm not even playing.  I used to be unhappy with classical music as a medium, but now I'm ok with it, and instead I have doubts in myself, in the aesthetics I value, and I fear that I am missing some really obvious thing in music in my string of failures.  I know I need to get back to the way I was, even if it may have been ignorant or misguided in its enthusiasm.  Right now, I'm weighing down the self-criticism side of the seesaw, rather than maintaining a balance between the confidence and the criticism. Hopefully, something will sit down on the other side soon.