Let's Be Honest

Let's be honest, folks-this new year has definitely sucked.  In more ways than I would like to count.  I spent the first 6 weeks of my miami time trying to get people to realize that I was still there-that I wasn't just a regular sub, and yes, I was here last week and the week before that.  I've finally got that covered-over half of the orchestra has stopped completely ignoring me in the hallways, and that's a relief.  Granted, I still spend many of my evenings by myself, and I don't get invited to do things all that often, but at least I'm not being ignored every day like the first few weeks.  It was really hard to leave Boston mid-school-year, and then join things down here mid-season, and not get properly introduced to anyone.  On one hand, I don't blame people for ignoring me-I always sit in the last two stands of the viola section, I don't have a mailbox, or an ID card, I'm not in the programs, and I'm never in anything special, in terms of smaller ensemble stuff.  I'm sort of in limbo-I have one of the teeniest rooms, and I'm permanently viola #7-8, depending on the week.  (This week, two people are absent, so I no longer have to sit directly in front of the trumpets, and I'll be viola #6.)  I was pretty much socially fucked down here, which was even more frustrating because I live in a dorm, in which everyone knows everyone else's business.  So I could hear lots of other people being social, but I was (and mostly am) not still part of it.  I had just spent a few fabulously busy, stressful, and socially awesome months in Boston, in which I was very comfortable, working with teachers that I'd known for many years, and having friends from different parts of my life.  (NEC undergrad time, eastman time, new NEC friends, banff friends, etc.) It was actually pretty excellent, in many ways, obviously not in all ways though.  I wasn't practicing enough, I was working too much, and I was eating sporadically.  I just didn't feel that great about my playing (and I still don't) and I know now that I need to actually work on that part.  To leave such a comfortable environment, complete with a lovely mischievous cat, made January hellish, at best.  February came, with promises of Boston, which were still excellent, despite many unforseen hurdles (friend's grandmother dying, mediocre auditions, weird interactions with some of my friends).  The trip back from Boston was hard-I cried the evening before I left, and not just because I was having drinks with friends.  I knew that this time, my trip to South Beach was the long hall-a good 12 weeks, and I wouldn't see most of my good friends for that entire duration, and quite frankly, that scared the crap out of me.  All of these things combine to make me moody and sulky, and perplexed about how to make things better.  I've  taken the first step though-I've let New World know that I'm not returning next season, and that I'd like to finish my b.s. degree at NEC.  And boy does that feel good.
I know that happiness is as much a state of mind, as well as a reaction to current events.  You can be happy in shitty times, and you can be sad in what would be construed as awesome times (me! me!).  I'm working on that, as best I can.  Now I can see the light at the end of the sunny tropical tunnel, and I know that everything will be ok.  Yes, there are still some very rude and snarky girls here, and there are still a good 15 people that completely ignore me, no matter what the situation.  However, I'm ready to deal with that, and I'm ready to deal with myself-my issues, my occasional performance anxiety, and my fears.  (more on that another time).  It's time to make this South Beach time about me-it's definitely not going to be about anyone else.  It's time to work on some musical projects that will really make me happy, to set goals that will make this situation more bearable, if not pleasant.

Musical Goals: learn and record violin phase (duh, on viola) by May
learn a few movements of Kurtag 'signs, games, and messages'
start serious work on the Bach D Minor Violin Partita!
perfect the tricky Garth Knox pizzicato etude
have a few lessons with Ralph Fielding

Life goals: run a 5k in march, run a 10k in April or May
yoga class 2-3 times a week
Work on gaining confidence in audition and performance situations

and lastly, believing in myself, and my worth as a human being.  Sappy, but always a relevant problem for me.

For the New School Year

Sigh. The last real day before classes...Coincidentally, my birthday always has a bittersweet arrival, because it signals the end of summer, the commencement of a new time, the end of dripping moist possibilities and instead the thin crackly veneer of icy hope and aspiration. For this school year, I have a couple of expectations, hopes, and demands. (Yes, demands!) I want this to actually be an ok year, and I'd like to feel like I got something out of my two years here, so here are my plans.

1) To be well, physically. I'd really like to avoid any recurrence of last year's tendonitis, at all costs. I vow to take care of myself physically, and do everything in my power to avoid reinjury, aid strengthening, and target my physical issues.

2) To be happy, and if the conditions at school do not encourage immediate joy, then I need to work at it. Conditions are already present for happiness, I just have to acknowledge them.

3) To be social, when appropriate. I had a few moments of selective hibernation, and I'd like to be socially pro-active, when possible.

4) To learn the most about teaching and work the hardest at becoming a better teacher.

5) To learn some sweet contemporary music and to get involved with others who are interested in the same.

6) To organize or participate in some outreach performances, whether solo or with piano, chamber group, etc. This is a very direct way to give back with music.

7) To take GOOD classes, or at least decent ones. Last years were a bust.

8) To get back into yoga, when my wrist is functional.

9) To participate in the Blooming Lilac sangha, and find a community of people there that share similar goals and aspirations.

10) To follow the 5 mindfulness trainings as best I can. :)

I'm sure that there are plenty of other things that I should be thinking of, but this seems like a pretty thorough list for now.

September has beaten the crap out of August in terms of temperature, but I'm hoping August will fight back in a week or so. Till then, it's sweater time.

New School Semester Resolutions!

Yes- I realize that New Year's was a while ago, but I never feel like a New Year's begun until the first day of class, which happened yesterday.  (And what a day it was!  I accidentally woke up at 4:30 AM and couldn't fall asleep and was quite miserable for a bit of the morn.  Fortunately, last night I got a delicious 10 hours in, so I'm recovering just fine.)  I've been thinking about crafting my resolutions for a while now, since I've had so long, and here are some of my thoughts...

Behavioral Resolutions

1) I will try to be more conversational and friendly with people I don't know, whether they are clerks or waitresses, or classmates that I'm not as familiar with.  Conversation can really brighten people's days.

2) I will procrastinate less.  (In fact, I'm procrastinating practicing right now...but this needs to get done.)  I will be more proactive about things that I find annoying- calling people back when I'm busy, making sure that important mail gets addressed, etc.

3) I will seriously consider my expenditures and thoughtfully address what is most important and not buy things that are too superfluous.  (yoga- important.  Reiki training for $200?  Wait till summer.  Salt lamps?  Maybe later).  

4) I will continue to reduce my "carbon footprint" by using LESS plastic, and reading about ways to improve my lifestyle.

5) I will eat more green things, even when it's 15 degrees and I really want Cream of tomato soup.  (First step, green smoothie challenge for a month.  I'm on day 3.  Each day, have a green smoothie, i.e. fruit + leafy greens)

6) I will try to listen more carefully to my body as to what I should eat and how much.

7) I will try harder to keep in touch with far-flung friends.

8) I will be less fearful of the phone and calling people.

9) I will do my homework.  (I got away with a pretty scant workload last semester, and still got all A's.  But my conscience isn't entirely clear.)

10) ...

Personal Revolutions/Resolutions

1) Go to Zen training in February.  Start meditating regularly.

2) Cook More delicious plant things.  Less eating out.

3) More red wine. And white wine.  Less other drinks.

4) More yoga classes if I can afford it.

5) Keep cultivating lovingkindness.

6) Meditate everyday.  

7) Be less scared.

8) Be proactive.

9) Be happy, damn it.

10) Clean the house more.  Less clutterfuck.

Currently listening to:  Nothing.  Trying to make recordings for bang on a can.  will listen to something soon though.