Airport 1: Overstimulation for Aiports

Holy mackerel.  I just got into JFK's new Jetblue terminal a half hour ago, and I'm floored, seriously.  I've never seen an airport quite like this.  Here's some of its AMAZING features.  

1) Edible Food.*  Not a sta

rbucks in sight, but instead these little bakeries that are probably corporate chains as well, but they serve illy coffee and have real pastries like croissants and the like.  Then, there's the new "Cibo" restaurants that have real sandwiches like egg salad on fancy bread with sun dried tomatoes.  Or greek yogurt and honey.  Or real produce!  Gone are the days of drinking juice from concent

rate in airports.  They also have a nice array of sit-down restaurants with super cool hipster nam

e

s like "revolucion" serving Mexican gourmet.  There's at least 3 bars that have that dark ambient lighting with white 

light fixtures for contrast that super's hot in clubs, but even more appealing in an airport.  And there's jamba juice!  That's just the beginning.

2)  Strange stores that are fun to look at, at least to waste time.  There's this cool Japanese stationery store called Moji or Moju, which has some unusual random things, like t-shirts in 3x3 inch boxes, or 3-d Christmas cards of cityscapes, or cool Japanese writing implements and paper and booklets. There's a Borders, which is also good to waste time in.  While I was there, a little boy said to his mum, "You know what?  I think Sponge Bob loves me."  Mom was slightly confused, and replied, "Sponge Bob loves you?  Did he tell you that?  That's great honey.  Now pick out a book."  I was amused though.  

3) Oddities: Ipod and PS2 vending machines.  I never thought i'd see such a thing, but basically, you swipe your credit card (naturally) and choose from a variety of technogeek things, from ipod shuffles to ipod touches, rechargers, winning pS2 games like "lego Indiana Jones" and more.  Shocking and yet amazing.  There's also a natural health center called "harmony" which has homeopathic remedies, including "bach", which is pretty amazing.

Overall, I'm in total awe.  The great thing about flying through NYC is the people watching.  in getting off the connection plain this morning, I felt like I was surrounded by the "hipsters" that Adbusters decried in their summer issue.  Twenty somethings in skinny jeans and riding boots, boys in old school plaid and skinny jeans and scarves, prepsters in Ralph Lauren and Sperry boat shoes, and more.  (Not to mention the women decked out in crazy formal stuff, and of course, the required sweatpants + uggs look worn by millions).  I love it.  Women with mullets that should be cut immediately, women with $700 LV purses that could be from Chinatown for $7, and men with serious satchels formally known as "mangs" I think.  (man+bag=man bag= mangs).    Oh wait, not to mention the free internet and these cool stations all around of electrical outlets.  I'm sitting at a station of approximately 50 outlets, so you could charge your ipod, phone, computer, brain...  Amazing.  No longer are you stuck cowering on the floor with your computer because your charger doesn't go more than a foot...or being silently covetous of the technogeek who's consuming a whole electric outlet or 4 with their gadgets, leaving yours to die...  Sigh.  No more!

Strangely enough, I woke up at 4:30 AM today, even though I only needed to wake up at 5:30 to get at the airport by 6ish.  So...I did some yoga and meditation.  And man do I feel GOOD for only getting 5.5 hours of sleep.  Now I understand with monks get up at like 4 or 3 everyday.  I feel like I can do anything, go anywhere, accomplish everything I need to.  The world is my OYSTER!  Oh wait.  I'm still in an airport.  I almost forgot.

Currently listening to: Mates of State, Deerhoof, Riley's "In C," the Decemberists' singles.  

*I'm SO pumped to not have to eat Dunkin' Donuts for lunch.  These pix are from the sushi bar and one of the regular super cool ambient bars.

Things Made and received: part 1

These are some things that either I have made, or have received...

This first beautiful object is a gift wrapped object by MJ- stylish gold and red wrapping paper, tied in red and 

yellow embroidery thread, with a brown wrapper around it that says "merry christmas Kayleigh Miller." with some rubber stamped stars.  Awesome.

The second item is my second completed sewing project- a whale that looks strangely like an elephant profile when placed sideways.  But it is indeed a whale.  I had some difficulties in reversing the fabric once I machine sewed it, which accounts for the child-like blanket stitches on the bottom...

This third item is my first *failed* sewing machine attempt.  It was trying to make a cupcake out of felt.  It instead looks like some kind of strange pencil eraser stuck in a cupcake wrapper.  It also has teeth, which makes its identity even m

ore ambiguous.  If you had the opportunity to see it in person, you would really appreciate how bizarre it looks.  But it at least reminded me how to use a sewing machine again, which is very important.  It also reminded me how terrible I am at sewing by hand... Picture later.

The fourth thing is my Christmas card, inspired by Blue's Clues Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper.  I made them out of paper, and while they look a little more obese than usual, the message is the same... "Seasonings' Greetings."

More pictures, made things, and thoughts on crafting to come!

Thoughts on Love

Today, I have to return my Thich Nhat Hanh book "Teachings on Love" and rather than write down my favorite passages, I'm just going to string them on here, since that way, I won't lose them.  He's a brilliant monk, and his thoughts aren't necessarily Buddhist-specific, although they can be.  He's just quite insightful, I'd say.

"Happiness is only possible with true love...For love to be true, it must contain compassion, joy, and equanimity."

Some lovingkindness meditations:

"May everyone be happy and safe, and may their hearts be filled with joy.  

May all living beings live in security and peace, beings who are frail or strong, tall or short, big or small, visible or not visible, near or far away, already born, or yet to be born.  May all of them dwell in perfect tranquility."

"May I/he/they be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.  May I be safe and free from injury.  May i be free from anger, afflictions, fear, and anxiety."

"Never in human  history have we had so many means of communication- television, radio, telephone, fax, email, the web- yet we remain islands, with little communication between family members, individuals in society, or nations."

"We meed to know the art of making the other person happy.  Art is the essence of life.  We have to learn the art of creating happiness."

"If you think you are alone, that is an illusion.  Our smile is also the smile of others.  Our suffering is the suffering others.  To see this is the realization of no-self.  You can touch the elements of happiness that are already here and be peace in the present moment.  It depends on your way of looking.   Please learn and practice the art of mindful living, th

e art of being happy and bringing happiness to others.  This is love.  This is living deeply in the present moment.  We rely on you to do it."

I just happened to find this book very interesting.  I would recommend it to anyone seeking to change their perspective on love.  It might be too whacko for some, but I liked it. 

Currently listening to: Arvo Part's choral works and Brian Eno's Music for Airports.

Kayleigh is...

As of late, I've noticed that I think in facebook statuses.  I no longer refer to myself as I, but instead as "kayleigh," at least in my mind.  Not only do I think in 3rd person now, I also think of the day's events as a series of facebook statuses.  I'll be sitting in the car, and suddenly I'll say, "Kayleigh is...not enjoying the bad truck drivers who are going 80 mph."  or "Kayleigh is...not looking forward to studying for three days."  This is not only strange, but slightly amusing.  

Here's today's status snapshot, more or less:

Kayleigh...

7:43 AM- wishes she could fall asleep again

8:00 AM- is amazed at how dark the morning is here

8:30 AM- is wasting time on the internet

9:00 AM- is watching mildly disturbing videos on youtube

9:20 AM- is wondering if it is Buddhist to buy books about Buddhism.  Or should I save my money and just meditate instead?  These suckers are expensive.

10:30 AM- is at yoga, and forgot how bad she is at twists.

Noon- is driving home in torrential rain and bad drivers.  Did you know that you must have your car headlights on while using windshield wipers?  It's the law here.

12:30 PM- is squeezing the last bit of food out of her refrigerator.  She's down to condiments, old jellies and tomato sauces, and tahini.  

1:00 PM- is wasting time reading about which Buddhist books she should read.  What could I be doing instead?

1:30 PM- is amazed at the formatting and grammatical crises of the Ph.D. applicatations in musicology and theory.

2:45 PM- is going to the library to hunt for Buddhist books.  Apparently, the Buddhist book path is expensive.

3:45 PM- feels like the whole day is gone.  

3:48 PM- has a fleeting doubt about being mature and adult-like.

4:00 PM- listens to Terry Riley's 'in c' in hopes that she will absorb all knowledge about 20th century music history.  She is avoiding doing any readings from Taruskin.

4:44 PM- wonders how anyone can be productive during this time of year.

5:00 PM- starts reading new book from library, despite the fact that she has 2 books that are halfway finished and are due at the library tomorrow.  

5:45 PM- is amazed that her shoulders really are THIS tight.

6:20 PM- ate cold leftover soup straight from the pot.  No sense in wasting good dishes.

6:30 PM- is amazed that even with 10 different pieces of black clothing, she never wants to wear any of them.

7:00 PM- is ushering, and is amazed at the social awkwardness of younger people.

7:45 PM- has a paper cut from handing out programs.  Lame.

8:20 PM- thinks that all choral music is about Jesus.  

9:00 PM- thinks that choral music is either about Jesus or falling in love, or falling in love with Jesus.

9:45 PM- is excited to be free from standing in her high heeled cowboy boots.

10:00 PM- is writing a blog that (probably) no one will read, but enjoys it anyway.  She knows that she has to go to a party later, but would rather snuggle in bed and listen to depressing music.  She'll get killed if she doesn't go.  (Monday?  Party night?  Hell no.)*

*This is only a fraction of the nutty things that go through my (ADD) mind.

Facebook statuses are like spying on people even more than facebook already allows.  It's like a commitment-phobic twitter: you're not expected to update hourly/every 10 minutes, although some people choose to do so. (And then you can tell that they've been sitting on their asses on the computer all evening.)What is perhaps the most frustrating is when people do the religious/political thing- I know that "God is great, and so are you" but maybe I don't want to hear about it every day.  Or maybe I don't want to see that you support (or hate) gay marriage.  Can't we keep somethings on the D.L.?  It just makes things soooo awkward, since surely, all 700 of your friends can't possibly all agree with you, and you're just making everyone uncomfortable.

 It's so funny- ten or fifteen years ago, you wouldn't have been able to know nearly as much information about people as you do now.  If you see someone at school that you've never met, you a) check them out on facebook and judge them, especially their pictures.  b) debate whether or not to friend them.  c) spy on their wall.   Then, when you see them again, you'll think "oh my god- their pictures were so_____ "(fill in the blank).  He/she/it is so______ (gorgeous, strange, etc.)"  So when you meet people that you think you haven't met, it turns out that they know all this stuff about you- your favorite movies, where you went last summer, who your friends once were, what you do in your spare time, and if you have incriminating photos.  It is SO rare to meet people and not be worried about what they know or don't know, or whether you've seen them in compromising positions photographically.  At the same point, it's deliciously fun to spy on people.  So what does that make me?  A hypocrite.  But I don't judge---too much.  (Unless you're hogging my mini-feed.  Then it's war.)

Currently listening to: Mates of State- Bring it Back.  Arvo Part- sad depressing choral works.

Personal Ads

I love to look at personal ads.  Maybe I'm a sadist or a nut, actually, I'm probably both, but they are absolute hysterical.  People advertise themselves so crazily.  It's easier for people to post some random information about themselves online than speak to someone in a public place or to greet people at work or school.  Some of my favorite personal ad lines:

"Slave Looking for a Mistress to use and abuse me.  I am obedient and willing." * S&M

"Let me give your breasts the attention they deserve." *just weird.

"Hot single Latin, black, or Asian girl sought by single white male who wears a corset." *cross-dressing?

"Snowmobile partner lady wanted." *strange.

"Where is her?" *grammatical dysfunctionality.

"Single Man seeking a relationship with a lactating female."  *entertaining.

"I have herpes, and so do you!" *bizarrely funny.

"My life is going too well.  Could you ruin it?"  the continuation of this one is: 

"Lately, I've noticed things have been going well.  I've got a promising future.  I'm moderately talented at my job.  Things are stable.  This is bad.  You see, i've become bored.  That's why I need a woman in my life.  Not just any woman!  I need a very special woman.  The kind of woman that will devastate me emotionally, socially, and financially.  Are you that woman?  Here's a short list of the qualities I'm looking for: Be complete insecure about yourself, especially physically.  Fly apart with jealousy when I talk to any other woman for any reason.  Throw huge tantrums over things you won't care about the next day (locking yourself in the bathroom is a plus.)  Change moods instantly and without provocation.  Scream at me in public when you're upset.  Use my money to buy things you don't need and will never use.  Play passive-aggressive mind games.  Show up at my office in the middle of the work day sobbing over some small thing.  Convincingly threaten to leave me at least every other week.  Cheat on me.  Father issues and mental disorders are nice but certainly not required.  

If this sounds like you, please email me."

* sounds like he's had some bad relationships in the past.  Just a guess though.

I get the impression that our society's concept of dating and woman is a little warped, perhaps?I don't know what it all means exactly, but it doesn't bode well for that whole 'true-love', not divorcing a million times sort of thing.  It's like the more methods of communication we possess, the less able we are in actually communicating in person.  (or at all, for that matter.)  We'd all rather email someone than talk to them on the phone, or god forbid in person, and obviously, putting a ridiculous personal ad on the internet is a relatively anonymous way to post your secrets of a bizarre sexual nature.  If confronted in person, you might strongly deny said post, and in fact say that large lactating mammaries are not one of your fetishes, even if craigslist says otherwise.  Strange.  

independence?

what does it mean to be independent?  i feel like there's a fine line between independence and solitude, and i don't know where the line is.  is there a limit to how much i should pursue my own agenda without heed to other people?  can my own successes mean something without a relationship with someone else?  i'm not really sure.  while society bombards me with mixed messages about independent women who are also good housewives, i'm not quite sure what it all means.  i wonder sometimes when the time is when too much aloneness means you're a recluse, rather than an 'independent' spirit.  at the same point, being solely dependent on other people means that you're incapable of dealing with yourself, which is a more frightening matter at hand. images of feminism and the role of women in society have been percolating in my brain, thanks to jucispeak, and it's making me question the more 'liberal' roles for women that are supposedly endorsed.  

how can women reconcile their nesting and child-birthing hormones with their desires to pursue their own dreams?  how can they appease their families and their own consciences that may simply say 'you cannot be loved like this' or 'you're not trying hard enough'?  i'm sure other people have this problem- it's just been in my mind more lately because of my friends who are getting married/engaged and the issues that they are presented with.

currently listening to: somebody still loves you, boris yeltsin.

Change is Good, if you can take it.

This hasn't exactly been the easiest semester.  I thought, last spring, that I wanted a change.  A BIG change.  A new school, a new city, a new life, living alone, etc.  I'm pretty sure I was wrong.  I didn't want anything to change, so I signed up for the most extreme change I could have.  (except living at a yoga ashram-  that's beyond extreme)  And i'm realizing now that I didn't want it, at all.  I loved everything before- I loved walking everywhere, having roommates, the safety of the city, the beauty of the parks, the proximity of Whole Foods, the yoga community and wonderful studios- the community of people I had in music.  And all of that has been absent here, and I have just barely acclimated.  Rochester is not an amazing city- it's frightening to walk at night anywhere, (and can be eerie during the day too), the yoga studios are so different, the Wegman's leaves something to be desired, and I have felt as though I have no community here in Rochester, except a few fantastic people who have saved from perpetual solitude.  A few weeks ago, I was disturbingly upset, because I was thinking how things could have been if I had stayed in Boston, if I had continued the Utopian life I led.  Everything frustrated me- orchestra, classes, people- everything was like a warped reminder of my former warmth.  I wanted to hold on to the friendships from before without adding new ones, and I was afraid that my friends would find new friends that were better than I could ever be, leaving me alone.  

Everything ends.  I have "issues" with that.  I don't want people to die, to move, to break up with their boyfriends or girlfriends, to grow up, to get old, to behave differently.  Everything is moving so fast, and I'm just sitting in my kayak watching the rapids take everyone away.  I'm too afraid to join- too afraid I'll sink, that I'll get caught, that the changes will be for the worse.  But I can't go upstream.  Gatsby tried that, and failed.  It's time to stop moping and find joy in what I do have, rather than comparing it to what I once had.  Because this too will end, as will I, and you, and everything.  

Listening to: Sigur Ros' agaetis byrjun.

death and change

i knew this was coming- my parents had been preparing me for it.  he'd been getting ill, and i knew he wouldn't last that long. yet, it still comes as a shock to me that my beloved dalmatian has been put to sleep.  i realize that most people are probably not as attached to their pets as i am, but i am not most people.  what this has really taught me is that i'm resistant to change, and i'm unduly fearful of death. my childhood is really over and there's no turning back.  i've resisted change in so many ways- in changing schools, in losing touch with friends, in moving, and this is just one more change to endure.  i worry at the other changes that will come my way and i wish i could be more elastic in my responses, but i am attached to the past, afraid of the future, and suspicious of the present.

let me give you some background: i love my pets.  i am one of those  hippie vegetarians who would not wear leather if i lived on the west coast (converse chuck taylors and flip flops all the way) and i did my little flirtation with veganism.  (cheese is too good though)  but i have ultimately always felt quite passionately about animals and animal rights.  we had so many rituals that involved my dogs that i'm not really sure what will happen when i go home- will my dad and i still go for the 3 mile walk we used to do with elliott?  will the bed be that much colder without him?  will dinner in the kitchen be quieter without any pouting pups scouting for food?  i know that it was ultimately the best choice for him to go.  he's had a tumor on his skull for almost a year now, and he didn't begin to show signs of deterioration until this fall, but we knew what might come.  lately, he'd just sleep a lot, eat very little, and sometimes get dizzy or fall.  knowing that he was in such a state worried me so much, and i wished so badly that i could return to the way things were, when he was forever energetic and optimistic.  it will be so hard to go home, since he will always be part of my memories, and i will always equate him to my experience at home during my illustrious 'polytechnic' teenage years.  i will miss his tail thumping the ground, his kisses, his love for snuggling, his exuberance, and his love for walks.  may i be as loving to other humans as my dogs have been to me.

currently listening to: new deerhoof album, explosions in the sky, and radiohead songs that set the tone for sadness, such as 'let down.'

Dying Gazelles that Meditate

I went for a run today.

Oh wait, let me clarify.  Before you get this idea of me in my adidas' finest, let me warn you that I'm a terrible runner.  I lack speed, I lack endurance, and I just lack.  Running makes me legs sore, makes me out of breath, and makes me heart feel like it will break, and not because it's full of love.  I look like a dying gazelle when I'm running- my shorts ride up, my bosoms bounce excessively, and if I was in twilight, then i would be the deer that the cullens devour.  I haven't gone running in almost a year, since my knee injury gave me an excellent excuse not to run.  now, you may be wondering why I would subject myself to running if it's something I'm not good at.  Running is the quintessential exercise- if you see an advertisement for fitness or fine athletic footwear, the protagonists are always running.  It's a testament to one's physical capabilities if one can run, and once upon a time, I could actually sort of run.  i love yoga, but i need to be hot and sweaty to feel good, and no other form of exercise kicks my ass as much as running .  So, running is like walking my yogic edge even though i hate it.   anyway, we'll see how it feels tomorrow, and if i can get out of bed...

lately, i've been quite fascinated with buddhism and meditation.  i hope not to become one of those stereotypical new-age wealthy white women who uses their disposable income to dabble in eastern philosophy and yoga while wearing uber expensive clothing and driving fancy cars.  but i do find it so fascinating.  i've never had a religion, and i know i could never subscribe to a sect of christianity.  there's something about most other religions that doesn't work for me.  I personally can't put my faith in deities at this point in my life, but I respect anyone's desire to do so.  I believe that all religions hope to give guidance to humans about how to conduct life, how to love, and what the purpose of life is.  if someone else can find that guidance in a religion with a god, then good for them.  if you can find the path to love and the capacity to share love, then you've found a good path for yourself.

What appeals to me about buddhism is that there is no god, no set of values that are automatically imposed on me.  i don't know if this is a stupid fleeting interest, but i hope it's not.  Meditating makes me feel so much better, whether about conflicts, others, or myself.  Any "philosophy" that suggests frequent meditation, and that endorses love, compassion, and care for all beings is so alluring.  I also feel like the buddha's teachings aren't really religious, but more like philosophical statements that can be applied to other religions and experiences.  The 'rewards' of buddhist nirvana and reincarnation are not really the goal, but can't hurt.  anyway, i'm considering going to a dharma talk and meditation this sunday at a tibetan buddhist center in rochester.  i'm a little afraid though, that i'll be perceived as a fraud, because i'm not exactly tibetan and i'm as white as white cheddar.  but it's time to try out things and be brave like a running gazelle.

making myself up daily

A few days ago, one of my friend-boys inquired as to why I spent money on good makeup (i.e. mac and sephora) and why I cared about the way I dressed.  Honestly, it's not because I'm dressing to impress and if I am, it's more for my own benefit than anyone else's.  Every day, my makeup and my clothes reflect who I am, how I'm feeling, what person I want to be today. It's an opportunity to be something that I'm not, or an opportunity to try something that I want to be.  It's like practicing- every day we reinvent ourselves, have the opportunity to change how we play and how we think, except it's much harder to break those habits in our personality.  (Not to mention that certain colors go together better than others, you can always tell a person by her shoes, and one should maximize one's potential.)  

On the flip side, makeup can also be a way of hiding, a way of saying, "hey, i don't think i'm beautiful and neither will you.  that's why i'm putting this gunk on."  And yes, I have absolutely been bitten by this toxic thought.  The beauty industry is constantly telling us to be younger, thinner, less wrinkled, and without grey hairs, creating this unachievable standard of perfection, that is now the baseline by which we judge people.  I judge, you judge, everyone judges.  (she's pretty, he's hot, she's chunky, etc)  But every once in a while, I look at someone who might otherwise be slighted by society and see something that other people forget.  Maybe it's a milky way of freckles on their neck, the contour of their bones, the radiance of their eyes- there is a palpable beauty in everyone that is often neglected.  I wish that I had seen my own beauty earlier, as I have generally hated my appearance for most of my life after preschool.  Maybe I'm at an age where other people are still superficial, and maybe I'm waiting for a change in people that will never occur.  But I still hope and believe that everyone has the capacity to love, and everyone deserves to be loved. I always hope that my friends will be loved as much as they deserve, both by me, and by everyone else.  I hope to find the beauty in my enemies, and to continue to cultivate a love for all, including myself.  cheers.

currently listening to: thank u by alanis morissette.

also, am currently eating extra sharp cheddar cheese. delicious.

I'm clearly bad at maintaining a blog.

    I'm obviously quite bad at maintaining a blog.  This isn't exactly the first time this has happened though- I have so many half-finished journals from years past, where I planned on keeping a journal and just failed to maintain it year round.  I even have one from this past year.  It was good until May.  Wonder why that is.  Am I a quitter?  I think I'm just someone who trails off, fades into the white, where no one will notice.  When it comes to resolutions, I seem to be quite bad at maintaining my agenda.  Maybe I should work on that...

    However, I'm feeling the need to maintain this now, because I need a place to write the things that are pooling in my brain, and have no outlet.  Because, I'm not going to finish the journal this year.  Because I'm a quitter in many respects, but this is one tiny thing that I can not quit at.  I have half-finished projects in my apartment that just need a little time, and at least three books that i'm half-way through.  (maybe 3/4 through).  Ahh!!!!  

I spent last week in Boston, and it was so amazing-everything looks more beautiful when you've been gone.  It was like visiting a long forgotten friend who gave me a hug that encompassed my entire being.  Coming off of the freeway, I was so excited- the sight of the familiar stores, the clean streets, the happy pedestrians, the glittering lights of the Prudential center, the geese in the fens- things that might have once annoyed me suddenly seemed to capture the essence, both good and bad of times since past.  I forgot all of the dark times in Boston, and instead felt an incredible warmth, as though all 4 of my past years were the most serene, peaceful, and wonderful years ever.  (they were certainly good though!)  it was so nice to see the people i miss so dearly, and to slide back to my old life- there are the same clerks at whole foods and jp licks and trader joe's, it hasn't snowed yet, and there's a certain quiet that permeates the city at night that always surprises me.  Sometimes I forget how wonderful it feels to be loved and loved intensely by those that really care and aren't afraid to say it, and i can only do my best to return that gesture.  i try to love boston, but i can't return the greatness it has given me.  it gave me the hope that the same happiness is possible for me again, even here now.  i may need to work at it, but i'm going to try harder.  nothing is ever easy, and authentic love is never fast.  all i need is a good pair of shoes and some eyeliner.

Listening to: tegan & sara- 'this business of art'