Meeting Myself Again

I apparently don't always handle stress well. In fact, I'm not entirely sure why I'm that stressed to begin with, because my NEC audition should not be fueling this much anxiety. I know the teachers there, I'm better prepared than I was for my masters' audition, and the teachers like me enough that I should feel moderately comfortable in my audition. However, last week, my insides were in agony- I wasn't hungry, I was having constant stomach cramps, and food wasn't exiting my body much. I was experiencing the very direct negative affects of stress on my body. I had never really seen anything like that happen before- I've obviously been stressed in my life, but I'd never seen my body just shut down and stop working because of it. After a few very difficult days, I was told that I needed to:

"Give yourself a fucking break."

Seriously. I was bummed that my studio class performance hadn't been amazing amazing and I was upset. And I realized that MJ was right- I wasn't giving myself the benefits of positivity or industriousness or anything. I associate hard work and productivity with a certain amount of anxiety and resistance. So that has become my week's work. Rather than allow myself to freak out, I needed to create space in my mind and my heart, so that I could be productive but also be happy. (Fancy that!)

It also made me realize that I expect a lot from my friends in times like this, and that perhaps ask too much of them. When did I become an extrovert when it comes to anxiety? I don't remember. Sometimes, it seems like these intense emotions are such a burden to share with others, especially when that other is just a friend and not family or a significant other. I don't think I used to reveal so much of myself in this way-perhaps isolated living has made me different, dependent on others in new ways. I frankly don't know. The bottom lines is that I have been abusing myself semi-willingly for most of the semester, and I need to get acquainted with myself, in a nicer way. My body yearns for the space of meditation and the timelessness of yoga-why can't I have time to do these things? Because I'm not making time. If I spend 3-6 hours at the viola, I come home between 10 and 11 and I crash. Yoga? Meditation? SLEEP trumps all. But the truth is that I need to make time for myself. I need to allow myself to breathe in the present moment. All of these things that I believe in- mindfulness, inner space, freedom from thoughts-I've been forgetting at the time that I need them the most. Now. I've instead been relying on my friends to keep me sane when I in fact need to do that for myself. I have the tools- I just need to do it.

At the end of the day, I'm responsible for how I feel. My workload should not directly affect my every waking moment and I have the option of changing my emotional landscape. I just need to take charge.