I don't accept.

My body is falling apart.  Yours probably is too.  But I will not accept this.  I feel like my entire body is just rapidly decaying in an accelerated fashion, but I'm probably just being dramatic.  Since Wednesday, i've had notable pain in my wrist and forearm, which quickly ended my dreams for a spring break filled with yoga and practicing.  Oh well.  On Tuesday, I was practicing Urdhva Dhanurasana, and managed to feel it quite severely in my lower back, which was also not on the agenda.  Why me, why now?  I am quite bad at accepting the slow  collapse of my body, the slow march towards death.  With all of the little ailments I've been experiencing, it's no wonder.  (Wrist, right knee, left lower back, and left foot).  Actually, I'd probably be better off just cutting off my left side and dealing with occasional knee discomfort.  The funny thing is, the wrist pain isn't linked to any one activity.  I probably played too much on Tuesday, combining a gig with a few hours of bold viola-ing, but it wasn't like one action initiated a well of pain.  So strange.  Now I'm trying the do anything to make it better, since I have to play in orchestra for the next few weeks, my jury is coming up, and carol will FLIP out if things aren't better by next week.  I had been applying heat to it, but now i'm icing it, which is probably what i should have been doing all along.   

      It's amazing how things in life can change at the blink of an eye.  One moment I was riding my bike in newton, the next thing i know, i have a small bout of semi-permanent knee pain.  Whether it's with the body or with people, life moves so fast, and we don't have the time to be prepared for it.  Our only hope is that we can greet the challenges we face with an open mind and stay with it.  With all the discomfort of my wrist, I've managed to keep my brain somewhat in control by reminding myself that 1) I'm on break, so I can heal better   2) At least I can feel my fingers and all of that stuff   3) I could have something worse, like cancer.    I'm not trying to suggest that I've been one big ray of sunshine about this, since I haven't.  But I'm at least trying to keep it together and not freak out too badly.  Things could be worse, things could be better.  But isn't that how it always is?

Currently listening to: Grizzly Bear and Radiohead.

Craigslist Personals Rochester: part II

On this illustrious first day of spring break, I thought I would use all of my extra time to 

A) take a "phatty" nap.  (i.e. 3 hour nap.) Granted, I went to bed after 3 and woke up at 8.

B) Read Craigslist Personals.  Here are some of the most recent winners:

"Looking for a Girl who fits my schedule."- The post had a small version of a spreadsheet schedule, and the instructions were "check out my schedule and see if we're a match."

"Looking for Girl with an awesome cell phone."- The post said, "Apple users need not apply."

"I want to bang a COUGAR!"- The ad then defined a cougar as an older woman who sexually pursues men 8 years or more her junior.  Then, there was a pic of a cougar (cat).

"Lookin' to plunder a fine booty...perhaps swab yar poopdeck too."- Ad then said, "I be settin' sail and need a first matey.  Wenches need only apply, no brutes allowed."

"seeking former hippie/hipster/twee." - "You will be the bonnie to my clyde.  Between 21 and 28, older than your age. Care enough about yourself to keep yourself in shape and thin. somewhat self-actualized.  likes paradoxes. vegetarian or vegan and not allergic to cats a plus.  maybe you've been mistaken for a lesbian because of your haircut."

"College Student seeking to get married for financial aid benefits." -Enough said.

"I am no longer a sushi virgin and thus I must post."- "The abstract horror of dealing with this whole survival of the fittest ideal is really getting me down. I'm tired of competing- Darwin had no love for those of us who just want to relax-enjoy the short years we have on this earth lying on the green grass looking for buddha shaped clouds in the sky...Won't you join me??"

And while I like to think that I'm an equal opportunity reader, most of the "m4m" ads are quite pornographic, with titles like "looking to suck your *(&^ immediately" and "Uncircumcised welcome."  So for now, we'll move on.  I'm only interested in highly entertaining ads-these don't cut it.  So let's look at "w4m"

"Country girl from heaven."- I'm scared.

"Seeking God-centered romance."-hmmm

"Must have teeth."- scary thought.

"Part teddy bear part butterfly."- Sounds like an attack of Lisa Frank zombies.  

"any veggie guys?"- that makes me laugh.

"musically influenced beautitian".  Sadly, she spelled beautician wrong.  

'Seeking abercrombie type of guy...with a personality." -good luck with that.

"Are you the cheese to my macaroni?"- I just had to put that in. The juno lover in me appreciated it.  In general, there were lots of posts with such words as social butterfly, teddy bear, angel, knight in shining armor, etc.  Scary thought.

And for the grand finale, we will be examining "w4w", a category I've never perused before.  I can't imagine that they would be as lewd as "m4m," but let's see.

"i'm like a waterfall!!!!"- I don't even know what means.  I don't want to.

"Why can't people read?"- I agree.  Good question.

"Wish I were your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves."- LOVE it.

This was the category with the least ads.  But quality tops quantity, eh?  

I finished off the craigslist joy by perusing the "missed connections." There were some classy ads such as:

"Saw you at Wegmans", "You work at the Walmart Pharmacy," "Burger King window clerk," "In search of Cookie Nook cutie in Pink," "Sexy guy at library whering (sp!) grey white sweatshirt" (clearly she was at the library for a reason),  "Andrew the AAA tow truck guy-I miss you," and more.  

So what's the conclusion?  People

A) lack fundamental literacy and spelling abilities

B) are lonely (and quite possibly sex-deprived)

C)  are entertaining

D) post goofy ads so people like me can enjoy them.

In other news, I tried to make cookies, and instead got a congealed pile of cookie smush.  The dough was excellent though- I don't know what went wrong.  I made cookies with a different recipe yesterday with no problems.  

Currently listening to: my ipod's on shuffle this week, so I've been enjoying lots of tune-age.

Forgiveness?

       on Saturday, I went with my friends to see "the Reader," a classic story addressing issues of guilt and innocence.  Here's the setup: a teenage boy starts having a torrid *and i mean SEXY* love affair with an older woman (hello Mrs. Robinson!).  She's kind of a nut, but he's head over heels for her- until she leaves without any notice, and he never sees her again.  Ten years later, she's on trial for being a Nazi S.S. Guard, something our dear little boy never knew about.  He's in law school, observing the trial, and he's wracked with guilt over the trial, the proceedings, and what determines guilt.  The movie is good, but not amazing, but I really enjoyed the issues the film raised.  

        in the movie, we are forced to examine our perspectives on guilt.  Should all Germans feel guilty for being part of the Holocaust?  Is it ever right to kill someone, even if it's your job and you do it mercifully?  Our S.S. women tried very hard to be a merciful guard-although all of the other women on trial say that she was the leader of them all.  A specific incident in question  brings a survivor and her daughter to the stand to testify, saying that the guards did not help them get out of a burning barn, in which they were all trapped.  This incident seals the deal, and our women goes to jail for twenty years, even though she wasn't the primary protagonist in the crime.  It was so interesting to see this issue from a different viewpoint- we always sympathize with the Jewish people (as we should!), but it was so fascinating to feel sympathy for the other side.  

As a western culture, we tend to lump together the individuals with their national policy (middle east!, the Christian right, etc.  It made me reexamine my viewpoints about these issues, since I have these views as well.  However, it's these ideas of "eye for an eye" that lead us to mass destruction and war and hate, and if we were able to peaceably forgive, we wouldn't have these issues.  Forgiveness is so hard- I have issues with it, and I'm hardly a high profile person.  The perfect example of this is the Dalai Lama, and his views on China.  Even though China has continually done terrible things to Tibet and his people, he is able to calmly approach the issue and not desire vengeance.  I suppose if we are able take this huge idea and put it into our lives in small ways, maybe things can improve.  

If someone cuts you off on the freeway, rather than speeding past them in another lane, just letting it go.  If someone doesn't hold a door for you or an elevator or something small, just letting it go.  I'm not trying to equate a holocaust with day to day grievances, but instead trying to think how I can learn something from this situation.  I think that peaceful resolution is the best way to solve things, especially after watching lots of gratuitous violence in the new movie "the Watchmen."  Maybe if we can learn to let go of the little things, others will catch on, and the movement will grow, and there will be less need for human-caused hate and suffering.

Zen is Stupid

(ok so the pic gets a little cut off- here's the linkage)


So there's this podcast called "zen is stupid" which doesn't have a lot to do with zen, but meanders away from buddhism every few minutes.  But I appreciate the sentiment.  I don't necessarily think that zen is stupid, but I might agree to say "zen is weird."  But since I'm greedy with my knowledge, I've been trying to read about zen so I have a better idea of whether the RZC is "normal" or not.  I'm currently reading HardCore Zen, which is another one of those books like Noah Levine's which are geared at the late teenager, early twenties type, and use normal language and pop cultural references.  Each book has its strengths and weakness, and Levine's is certainly more of a "i was a huge asshole and i did all these terrible things and meditation saved me from a life of drugs and sex."  There's relatively little Buddhist philosophy in Levine's, but more of a bio.  Brad Warner's book, however, is roughly half and half, and I really appreciate his cynicism and skepticism.  He's someone who questions authority, doubts his zen master teachers, and continually analyzes the zen teachings.  I think if he was running a zendo, I wouldn't feel quite as awkward as I did this weekend.  Here are some of the points in his book that I thought were worth noting:

On Buddhism and drugs: "Drugs won't show you the truth.  Drugs will only show you what it's like to be on drugs." and later..."Why does an expanded consciousness (due to drugs) include the inability to operate a motor vehicle?"

"Ultimately it's always better to make people see how they can heal themselves...Real Buddhist teachers don't tell you about reality, they teach you to see reality for yourself, right now."

"Buddhism is about letting people know they do not need to follow any authority.  If you need an authority figure, go somewhere else."

About lofty causes and day-to-day life: "Stop the racist, gay-bashing Nazis from going to war to club baby seals in the burning South American rainforests if you want-but also clean your room." and earlier  "When you decide that helping feed homeless transgender crack addicts to the baby whales-or whatever- is somehow more worthy than helping your mom clean the dead squirrel out of the gutters, that's when you get in trouble."  His point here is not that we shouldn't do philanthropy, but that it should affect all of our life.  We shouldn't be saving the world and then bitching our friends out or leaving messes everywhere.  I like that idea.  It's the idea that all good work is important and we are all connected.

And then lastly, on death:  'A guy walks up to a zen master and asks, "is there life after death?"  The zen masters says, "How should I know?" The guy replies indignantly, "because you're a Zen masters!" "Yes," says the Zen master, " but not a dead one."'  The point he makes here is that no one in any religion KNOWS where we go after life, and as humans, we are constantly looking for the next step rather than the present.  But Warner suggests that we should instead think of the present as the only life, since you don't know what's next.  He also counters this by saying later in the book that we are all always part of the universe, no matter what.  So it's really not that bleak.

Anyway, that's all my kernels of wisdom for today.  Now off to study the Renaissance.

Currently listening to: Renaissance polyphonic vocal music and dharma talks.

Adventures in Buddhism, pt. 1

So I've been curious and desirous of joining a Buddhist sangha, or community, for the last few months.  The two main ones here in Rochester are the zen center and the tibetan White Lotus group.  Both places have been really interesting experiences, and both places have been weird.  

I most recently went to the zen center this weekend- on Saturday I did the introductory day of meditation and whatnot, and on Sunday, I went to traditional services at ahem, 8:30 AM.

Zen is intense, a little scary, and very serious.  I was kinda frightened for most of Sunday.  We started off the morning sitting, facing the wall, for about an hour, which is fine, but I'm weirded out by the stick that you hit people with.  That's a little strange for me.  I also felt a little odd to not be wearing meditation robes like almost everyone else- I definitely stuck out like a sore thumb, but I also have no desire to wear a russet potato colored robe to conform.  The chanting was almost creepy to me, since it wasn't natural speaking but instead somewhat monotone with occasional predetermined fluctuations.  The zen center is absolutely beautiful, both indoors and out, and is just a wonderful space.  It's hard for me to imagine how zen has appealed to such a group of benign 40-70 year olds, but I can certainly respect that.  I love how zen has such a focus on meditation- I really think that's excellent.  But the rest of zen seems to either be denying you your earthly life (like when I was informed that reading is in excess...) or telling you  that nothing is real (obviously).  I also felt like the meditation practice was a little stiff in that you don't meditate on anything in particular, you really just meditate on the breath.  I think that's a great practice sometimes, but I really like my lovingkindness meditations and mindfulness.  I don't know if I can keep up with all the zen rituals: when to bow, when to stand, when to chant, and I don't know if I really want to.  It all really intimidated me and made spirituality cold and impersonal.

Tibetan Buddhism, on the other hand...is the opposite.  I went a few weeks ago and was somewhat shocked at the demographic of nice middle aged white folks practicing in what seemed like Buddhism on speed.  The alter room is ridiculously colorful and bright, with all sorts of different offerings and pictures of different deities.  I was also a little weirded out by that service, since there was no meditation, only prayer, but now I understand that for that school, prayer, chanting, and other things are another path through Buddhism, whereas other schools really focus on the meditation (like zen.)  I'll probably go back this Sunday just so I can see if it's better 2nd time around.  I know that neither of these places are really my style, but I really just want to be part of a community, and I think I need to join at least one of them...

Listening to: Renaissance music and "dark was the night" compilation

On Winning and Losing

I played amazingly on Monday.  I actually owned Hoffmeister in a way that I never thought possible.  I fixed so many things from Saturday to Monday that I shocked my teacher- she called it a miracle.  What's the catch?  Oh, I didn't win.  In fact, a freshman won, a point that has been very controversial since the competition.  While I do wish the outcome had been different, I came to the following conclusions:

1) I played amazingly.  Normally, when you lose something, you say, "ugh.  I played ok/bad/decent BUT...(fill in the blank)."  But on Monday, there were no "but" moments.  I really made a huge leap for myself and my performing abilities.  In any competing situation, whether it be job or performance based, you can only control your part of the deal, not the outcome.  And I controlled my part, and did beautifully.

2) My teacher was exceedingly happy with my performance.  I won't go into juicy details, but let's say that she was surprised and thought that my performance was exceptional.  Honestly, her opinion matters a lot to me.

3) One of the judges is the unsavory orchestra conductor.  'nuff said.

4) If I had won, it might have splintered my friendship with Kyle, and that would've been silly.  And if Kyle had won, the same would have been true.  This way, we are both equals.

5) It helps to keep the ego intact and not get out of control when one is put in this sort of situation.

6) Suffering is inevitable, and this is an example of that.  And that's ok.

7) I received really supportive amazing feedback from friends and fellow competition attendees, and that has been so valuable and reassuring for me.

8) A competition is in effect a competition with one's self.  And if that's the case, then I won- by a wide margin of error.  And that's something to be proud of.

It made me so grateful for my progress, my abilities, and my friends, who were able to support me and commend me on my playing.  To have someone say that they cried when I lost is perhaps the most touching of all.  I can't think of when I've made someone cry through my music.

On the day of the competition, I meditated, did yoga, and read, in addition to a little practicing, and clearly that paid off.  I am so honored that people think so highly of me, and I only hope that I can live up to others expectations of me, while also living up to my own.  

Happiness is always here- we just are often unable to perceive it.  

Listening to: Sigur Ros "Hvarf-Heim" (as well as a bunch of dharma talks)

Competitions and Unpleasant Emotions

I used to be competitive, back when I was more self-assured about my playing and my existence in general.  But now, I'm afraid of them.  I don't like massaging my ego with competitiveness- I don't like the way it feels to "want" to win, to want to be the best.  Mostly, because I don't think that anyone can be the best at music.  You can have the best intonation, or sound, or interpretation, but I feel like music is so interpretive that distilling it down really saps it of its individualist nature.  I had a bad experience with a concerto competition in high school: I was the concertmaster of my youth orchestra, and my stand partner won the competition, I placed third.  I was so upset that I wanted to step down from my principal position.  When we got the comments from the judges, two of them said that they didn't feel like my piece was appropriate, that it wasn't showy enough.  I had played the first movement of the Barber violin concerto, and I was so angry that I could've screamed.  My stand partner had played part of the Lalo Symphonie Espagnole.  She was a great player, and I respected her abilities, but the whole experience really ruined my vantage point on competitions.  It's great if you're on top, but if you're not, then you are judged on your losses.  I always felt like 2nd best after that competition, like I had something to prove to everyone, and I hated it.  I ultimately disliked my orchestra experience for the rest of the year, and was put off from doing that sort of thing for a while.

I worry that this competition could be the same.  I'm really worried about what winning or losing will do to my friendships with people.  I don't want people to judge me as being a significantly worse player than whomever wins, which is why I was hesitant to do the competition in the first place.  It still worries me.  I don't mind if I lose, since I don't feel like I play this piece amazingly.  I'm more worried about the consequences of my actions.  I know that I should just think about playing my best, and not worry about everything else, since it will eventually pass, but it's really hard.  I don't want to wish for someone else to fail either.  I want a group tie, which isn't going to work.  

I've been trying to do meditation that addresses the connectedness of all beings, eliminating the separateness that is plaguing me.  That's been helping a bit, but I don't have a magic solution.  I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst, but also while playing the best I can.  If I play my best, then I suppose I have no apologies. I can't control a competition.  I can't rig it, I can't guarantee that I play the best in the group, because I don't believe in the "best."  So how I can I compete? I don't know.  

In Buddhist land, there's a view that "comparison with those who are smarter, more beautiful or more successful than ourselves...tends to breed envy, frustration, and unhappiness." (H.H. Dalai Lama)  In a deeper sense, good competition is with one's self, which is what musicians do every day.  Competition with others is an issue of ego, jealousy, and other unsavory emotions.  I don't like it, but I have to deal with it.  So, I'll continue to work on myself, and try to eradicate those emotions...

Listening to : Belle and Sebastian.

Reading: The God of Small Things