On Winning and Losing

I played amazingly on Monday.  I actually owned Hoffmeister in a way that I never thought possible.  I fixed so many things from Saturday to Monday that I shocked my teacher- she called it a miracle.  What's the catch?  Oh, I didn't win.  In fact, a freshman won, a point that has been very controversial since the competition.  While I do wish the outcome had been different, I came to the following conclusions:

1) I played amazingly.  Normally, when you lose something, you say, "ugh.  I played ok/bad/decent BUT...(fill in the blank)."  But on Monday, there were no "but" moments.  I really made a huge leap for myself and my performing abilities.  In any competing situation, whether it be job or performance based, you can only control your part of the deal, not the outcome.  And I controlled my part, and did beautifully.

2) My teacher was exceedingly happy with my performance.  I won't go into juicy details, but let's say that she was surprised and thought that my performance was exceptional.  Honestly, her opinion matters a lot to me.

3) One of the judges is the unsavory orchestra conductor.  'nuff said.

4) If I had won, it might have splintered my friendship with Kyle, and that would've been silly.  And if Kyle had won, the same would have been true.  This way, we are both equals.

5) It helps to keep the ego intact and not get out of control when one is put in this sort of situation.

6) Suffering is inevitable, and this is an example of that.  And that's ok.

7) I received really supportive amazing feedback from friends and fellow competition attendees, and that has been so valuable and reassuring for me.

8) A competition is in effect a competition with one's self.  And if that's the case, then I won- by a wide margin of error.  And that's something to be proud of.

It made me so grateful for my progress, my abilities, and my friends, who were able to support me and commend me on my playing.  To have someone say that they cried when I lost is perhaps the most touching of all.  I can't think of when I've made someone cry through my music.

On the day of the competition, I meditated, did yoga, and read, in addition to a little practicing, and clearly that paid off.  I am so honored that people think so highly of me, and I only hope that I can live up to others expectations of me, while also living up to my own.  

Happiness is always here- we just are often unable to perceive it.  

Listening to: Sigur Ros "Hvarf-Heim" (as well as a bunch of dharma talks)