Most times, men don't get it. They don't understand why women have this fragility, this fear about sex, their bodies, and being violated. Sometimes, it's because we can't really express the things that have happened in our past. Sometimes, it just an innate fear bred in us from our parents, or our backgrounds, or our religion. It'd be nice if all women felt comfortable enough with their bodies to the point where sex and intimacy were not scary things. But it turns out that many women feel this way (not just me!). Sometimes I forget about this possibility, since I always imagine the insecurities that I feel are just my problems. How did this whole thought process come about, you may ask?
Well, my friend Tony asked me why I don't really date people. And after a very long winded story detailing various negative experiences, he was like "whoah! I'm so sorry that these things happened to you. But you still like men? We're not all bad." And I was beginning to realize (or at least think) that some of my reticence to date anyone was rooted in all of the negative experiences I had both in my freshman year incidents, and with my awful high school pseudo-boyfriend. I've also noticed in the last year that I keep losing weight, but I'm not trying particularly hard. if anything, I'm drinking more, which is in no way calorically beneficial.
While I don't recommend making deep life decisions based on Oprah's O magazine (which I catch up on every year when I go to my grandma's house, where there is a stack of them), I came to this conclusion, thanks to the middle-aged women running O: My extra weight, basic tee shirt attire, and general shyness about appearance has all been a shield to prevent unwanted male affections. The magazine suggested that one's extra weight can be like a shield, a wall, to the outside world, and in my case, quite possibly to the perpetrators of my sexual assault. In the last two years, I've become more confident, both as a musician, and as a person. Living in Rochester made me feel like I could deal with anything, whether in terms of violence against women (crazy people living in Rochester!) or in terms of interpersonal relationships. And I've been breaking down that wall so to speak (a woman cutting her hair is in the midst of a great personal change!). For much of my undergrad, I was afraid to both be pursued romantically, and to actually have it happen. I never really equated my fears with the sexual assault, mostly because I was just desperately trying to block it out of my head. Strangely, I was never attracted to women, which for many people, would be an obvious result. Despite the array of strange male experiences that I've had (especially the one where I was 3 or 4, and an older boy exposed himself in the kiddy pool, and then kissed me. Ugh. I just remembered he asked me to touch him, which I refused, and I never liked him because he always ate tuna for lunch and smelled suspectly.), I guess I've always believed that men are not altogether bad. I've just run into a few bad ones. Anyway, I think that my appearance has changed, accidentally, to reflect the internal changes that have occurred, and my growing confidence in most areas of my life.
But to tie this anachronistic thread together, let me put in this point-the female sexual experience is very complicated, and women have a lot of baggage with sex. I think it is absolutely possible to get over those issues, whether within a relationship, or just within oneself, but it is definitely an issue that is often glossed over. Just last week, one of my friend's boyfriends was getting frustrated with her because she doesn't want to have sex as often as he does, and it's just such a male stereotype. The man wants more sex, and the woman withholds. But she's not doing it on purpose, it's more that she has a fair amount of reticence towards sex itself, towards her body, and towards the cultural and religious implications of sex. It's crazy-or the women from more conservative backgrounds who have a terrifying fear of masturbation and vibrators, because our culture doesn't really include that viewpoint. Yes, Sex and the City did great wonders for woman and sex, but it doesn't mean that we're encouraged to buy vibrators and go have an orgasm by ourselves. There's still a lot of work to be done in that realm, both culturally and within our groups of friends, and despite the fact that most of my female friends are in their twenties, many of us still have sexual hangups or a fear of sex. And it's not our fault-we're the product of our ages, our religions, our families, and the cultural expectation for sex is constantly changing, and we're not ready for it yet. We can just do what we can, within ourselves, and hope for men to be patient with us, because it's our body, not theirs.
The Hood Internet - No One Womanizes Like You (Britney Spears x Department of Eagles) by hoodinternet
Listening to: the Hood Internet, Sufjan Stevens, Robyn, and Discovery
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