The splendor of the sound

I was so fortunate today as to have two sonorously fulfilling experiences-my recital went well, and I just saw "Music for 18 musicians." I played the whole bach suite 6, the theofanidis "flow my tears," and the shostakovich sonata. For 5 weeks of preparation, I actually thought it went pretty well. I mean, my intonation was a bit dodgy, but I am very much humbled and impressed by the feedback I received from everyone who attended. It was so overwhelming to be surrounded by caring people who were open to my performance.

I had been feeling ok about the whole recital thing, but neither pumped nor terribly worried about it. Maybe because most of my most stressful concerts already happened, or because it was an early afternoon concert, or whatever, I simply wasn't that nervous and that ended up being a very good thing. It's possible that I'm just getting better at performing, because there were moments when I completely forgot that there were tons of people there, and I just went into this magical zone in which time stopped and bach was supreme. It was rather odd, to say the least, but a good portion of the bach occurred with my body taking control and me watching and feeling the music while the rest of me executed it. It was transformative and scary, and not entirely new. I've also found that when the lights turn out and it's just me and a solo piece, there's a weird temporal continuum that opens up and I fall in. I lose myself in the music just enough, but manage to keep enough involvement that I don't tip over like a palm tree in a storm. (That's always a risk. Falling over, dropping my instrument, or having it go terrifically out of tune.) Most of the recital happened like this, in which I was aware of things happening (finger here, forearm there, lalala) but it was a very strange experience watching the rest of me play the viola. I guess that qualifies as an out of body experience, but it was more like being "more than present." We talk so much about being in the now, and experiencing the now. I was so in the now that I stopped thinking completely and it was damn strange. Mostly successful, though, which is always a good thing.

For now, I'll just repeat the beautiful compliments that everyone paid me after the concert. What I thought was 'good' or just 'solid,' turned out to be transformative, empowering, and beautiful to the audience. I am so honored to possess that power. My ego just got a huge bar of chocolate, and decadence is essential right now.

(music for eighteen musicians is like the ultimate minimalist dance tune. steve reich should have encouraged people to get on the stage and start dancing. in my heaven, we would all have a huge dance party to all sorts of music.)