being

Things have been recovering quite nicely- I had a really dramatic November 22nd, what with the RPO sub audition, and the continually perplexing behavior of our excerpt coach towards me. But my ego has resurfaced, as least with more confidence. Partially because I talked to Carol about it, partially because she wouldn't let me play meekly in my lesson, partly because I realized that I don't do music because I want to please other people. I do music for myself and for the music itself- the language of the dead and the living, which can only be translated by a small group of people. If nothing else, I have encountered repeated rejection here at Eastman: rejection by adjudicators, peers, and my body. But, I have also encountered sincere support from Carol, form Erin, from MJ: people who believe that I'm both a musician and a great person, and that I'm worthy. When the world is hailing hate, they're a fuzzy blanket that I can tie around my shoulders like a child superhero. Their kind words give me the ability to regenerate my own confidence, even if it takes days or even weeks. And the suffering? Well, it sucks, but better to do it now, when performances will neither make nor break my career. I wouldn't have it any other way.

listening to: department of eagles, grizzly bear