On the more banal daily occurrences, I played in studio class and it was pretty mediocre, by my personal standards, and the entire studio class was full of completely uninspired, emotionally lacking performances, which have since sent me on a quest of sorts to figure out why musicians don't think of themselves as creative artists. It turns out that this is a fabulous, self-reflective journey, and I'm already fascinated after an hour or two of reading and reflecting.
On the tragic side, Marylou Speaker Churchill, famed NEC teacher and former BSO player, passed away from Breast cancer on Tuesday. While we all knew that she was battling cancer for years, what was hardest for me was acknowledging that she was a Christian Scientist, which therefore believes that illness comes from sin, fear, or ignorance, and that one can only eliminate sickness with belief, prayer, and acknowledgement of the sickness. Christian Science has some really beautiful beliefs, about love, that God is in all of us and created us all, and that prayer can only work when backed by true unconditional love for all beings. While I can consciously allow the beautiful side of this religion to ring true with me, it is entirely impossible for me to accept someone's slow demise from cancer "because of sin/ignorance/fear." Cancer is one thing in our culture that we know NOTHING about. We don't know what causes it. We don't really know what cures it. We don't know why things get better and then get worse, and then you might die. Our western medicine is completely baffled by cancer in all beings, not just humans. And cancer is dangerous. So I can see why one might seek spiritual reinforcement for cancer treatment However, to knowingly and willingly refuse any form of treatment for cancer is masochistic. Marylou was diagnosed 6 years ago, at least, which really makes me believe that treatment and eradication could have been possible. I understand that if someone has cancer of the brain, blood, or various organs that rarely recover, they might not want extensive treatment, as those are the most dangerous varieties. But breast cancer? It's so treatable, as far as cancers go, and it pains me to imagine how much suffering she endured for all those years. On the flip side, she was such a radiant, supportive figure to her students, to violinists, to her children, and she truly lived the beautiful, loving part of her faith. But her faith may have killed her, and that's what hurts me the most, rather than her departure from this earth.
On a similarly negative side of things, I was informed that some of the girls in another viola studio were complaining how Carol's studio always wins competitions/orchestral seatings/etc, and here's how the dialogue unfolded, or how I imagine it:
"I heard that Georgina has the swine flu."
"Ooh- I hope she can make the rest of her studio sick before the Harold In Italy competition."
"Yeah, that would show them."
I am so thoroughly repulsed by such hateful, injurious words that it makes me ill to think of them. Who could wish ill upon anyone in such a way? And why would you want other people to get sick just so you might have a better shot at succeeding? I can't get over the hatred, selfishness, and truly repulsive behavior that this is, and it explains so much of the cruelty and suffering of humanity. I could never imagine such a thing, even when I haven't liked people. It's disgusting on a whole new level, that I never thought was possible. And so, I apparently have to play well, and play with love...Because the other team will be playing with hate.
There is a very fitting quote from Marylou that addresses this issue:
"There is a law of this universe which is so simple and so powerful and it literally wipes this fear out of your being, and it is this... 'perfect love casts out fear.' If you are actively engaged in loving your instrument, loving the music, loving the audience, loving the committee, loving your enemies, then there is simply no room for fear of any kind, and you will find yourself playing better than you expected."
Love is the movement. May we all live it.
3 comments:
love is the movement. that's right. still my favorite shirt.
also, i went to the openhouse on monday at marylou's house, and talked to mark a bit. he'd heard about me bawling all through the bpo rehearsal last wednesday. paul biss joined in for a sec, and mark said she'd been diagnosed 8 years ago! he said at the time her life expectancy was given at 2 years or something, so he felt like it was a miracle she'd lasted that long.
who knows if she ever took treatment or not. Lucy and Mark and others mentioned her and "her doctors," etc. i was also talking to her brother at the openhouse and he told of one time in the last couple weeks when she was "really drugged up" and not responding much but he was trying to get her to laugh by recalling a vaudville act she'd been a part of at aspen when she was in college.
so who even knows. you can't ask, it feels intrusive, and for sure she NEVER spoke about it when she was alive. if you asked how she was feeling she'd look at you like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world that you would ever imply that she WASN'T feeling well.
in a way, that kind of response made it even more difficult for me to face and deal with her impending death, actually.
"...so he felt like it was a miracle she'd lasted that long."
this was said in the context of the girls, and how it was much better for marylou to go, if she was going to go, when they were 13/14 than when they were 7/8.
I've got many mixed comments on whether or not marylou received treatment, most saying that she didn't. What hurts me is that she might have even believe for a second that cancer was an affliction that she deserved. It's one of those things where bad things happen to very good people. It breaks my heart more to think that anyone could "deserve" so much suffering. I can consciously acknowledge different religious beliefs, but that one hurts straight to the core. I can see her optimism in lasting so long- I'm sure that with cancer, every day is a miracle to do good, be love, be peace, and be joy. Yet, it's a travesty to be diagnosed with cancer at such an age. As for the girls, I don't think it's ever easy when your mother dies, whether you're a girl or an adult. Marylou was such a great mother to them- we all witnessed it on Saturdays in the prep division, and her loss as a mother is also tragic. However, better to have them passed some of the scariest ages (12!) into early teenage-hood, where they are beginning to be fully formed people. Either way, it's hard when someone dies of cancer. Another one of my friend's cousins just died of cancer a few days ago, so it's never easy, no matter how much you know in advance. All we can do is love those we care for, since we don't know how long we will be around.
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