Lady Gaga and why she amuses me

I can't explain it. I don't usually like mainstream pop female vocals- usually the songs are bad (there's only so much American Idol shit I can take) and Miley Cyrus type videos and it's just bad. But sometimes, what's proportedly bad is really really effing weird. Like Lady Gaga. It's like Of Montreal on crack, in terms of the music videos. And I love it. The tunes are like a cross between Cher, Madonna, and Gwen Stefani (all Italian NY woman who died their hair, just like Lady Gaga.) And the tunes aren't great. But the videos and the weird fashion and sci-fi details and Blade Runner stuff is freaking amazing!

Take Bad Romance, for example. What the hell??? So many weird and fabulous things- the opening with the weird glasses, the creepy tombs with plastic sheeted bodies (remind me of Pan's Labyrinth and that character with the eyeballs) So many amazingly odd effects: the vertebrae popping out of her back, the crazy 12-inch heels, the bearskin dress...it's just ridiculous all over the place. It's everything weird that popular music should be...only stranger and less predictable. If only her songs didn't remind me of Cher's "Do you Believe in Life after love." It's that autotune stuff that kills it everytime, and that gemstone ensemble. Overall, it's amazing.

I also really enjoy Paparazzi, because of the ridiculous yellow outfit she wears in the end with the Mickey Mouse shit. It's so eighties and I just want it, but I'd never wear it.

I mean, gosh, I wouldn't wear any of this shit to school...ruffles aren't really practical to play viola in, but sheesh! I always wondered who paid attention to high fashion, and now I know! It's great to see clothing as art, rather than as brand names and prices and "in" looks. Everything she wears is so out there it's not even wearable. So anyway, I'm intrigued. And I think she's spoken for gay rights, so ha! She knows her fan base well.

Listening to: the new ANIMAL COLLECTIVE EP

Crazy Bitch in the Kitch: Part One

I thought I'd share some of my FAVORITE recipes and recipe alterations/tidbits for your seasonal days of baking, if you're into that. Let's start simple:

The Ultimate Oat Flour Cookies (technically, these are wheat-free, but depending on the celiac needs of your friends, there may be traces of wheat in the flour, and you should use another flour)---adapted from the postpunk kitchen www.theppk.com

1 3/4 Cup Oat Flour (organic is yummiest)

1/2 tsp baking soda (try to avoid arm and hammer- they test on animals)

1/4 tsp salt (sea salt!)

1/4 cup brown sugar (or raw turbinado sugar)

1/2 cup sugar (evaporated cane juice sugar, or I just combine the sugars to make 3/4 cup of what's on hand)

1/3 cup canola oil or melted margarine

1/4 cup soy milk

1 TBSP flax meal

1 tsp vanilla (alcohol free)

3/4 chocolate chips (milkfat/butterfat free)

So this is the easiest recipe ever- I can make it in like 6 minutes. Sometimes I race against my oven to see if I can beat it's preheating cycle. But anyways, mix the flax seed and soy milk together in a cup- this will be your "egg". Mix all the dry ingredients in one bowl, all the wet ingredients in another bowl, then combine them. Add yourself yo' chocolate chips, and you're in business. First of all, this is one of the yummiest batters ever, and it's vegan and there's no eggs. Bake them at 350 for 11-12 minutes for good gooey-ness, or for longer for softish.

Top secret optional alterations:

-substitute canola oil for a tasty peanut or walnut oil for a fab nutty flavor

-add spices of your choosing, such as cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, ginger, cardamom, etc, to make a really zesty cookie

-add dried cranberries and/or nuts to make it look more wholesome.

Julia's favorite applesauce cardomom Bundt cake: this is adapted from a food and wine mag submission from a few years ago that my dad passed on to me. I just veganized it, since I never have eggs on hand.

1. 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting: Use non bleached flour!!!!
2. 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar: see above
3. 2 teaspoons baking soda
4. 2 tsp cinnamon
5. 2 tsp ground cardamom : You can always do more with the spices- you can never have too much!
6. 1 teaspoon salt
7. 1 teaspoon ground cloves
8. 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
9. 2 cups unsweetened applesauce: Make sure there's no high fructose corn syrup in your Mott's!!!!
10. 2 TBSP flax seed meal
11. 4 TBSP water or soy milk
12. 3/4 cup vegetable oil
13. One 12-ounce bag semisweet-chocolate chips
14. Confectioners’ sugar, for dusting

This is a pretty self explanatory recipe as well- mix the flax seed and water/milk into a paste as you did before. Mix all the dry ingredients and all the wet ingredients separately, then add them and stir in choco chips. Pour into a 12 cup Bundt pan, which has been buttered/sprayed/floured. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hr, 15minutes then let cool for 20. Do the toothpick trick for the cake if you're unsure of doneness. If you're not into vegan stuff, just check out the original recipe and add your eggs in as needed.

Lastly, here's a seasonal link for your christmas tune enjoyment.

Hmm!

On Sunday, I had the good fortunate of winning (yes, me!) a competition (that involved viola!). This was indeed a rare occasion, since:

1) I learned the piece in 2 weeks.

2) I had been feeling quite poorly about my performance, intonation, and abilities as a musician for the week leading up to said competition, mostly due to Melissa Matson and the dreaded RPO audition.

But, I triumphed over my demons of doubt, which is a big deal, and now I get to play Harold In Italy in February, possibly on a much nicer viola than my own. Sigh. I also just discovered that I don't have to rerecord my NWS video, and that my computer was just being stupid and misreading the DVDs! That thrills me, since I have been having a hard time focusing.

But back to me and my competition. The best part is that there had been a lot of animosity from other competitors about the competition, especially from the other studio, and a lot of ego's were competing for the limelight. I laid low all last week, since I still felt badly about how I was playing, and in the end, I only wanted to do my best and not humiliate myself. Erin and Norbrian were so excited when I finished, they thought it was an amazing performance. I just thought I did ok. :) I also made sure to go to meditation 4-6 (good call!) and tried to just focus on confidence and success. And it worked- I just happened to win. But winning was never the goal-the competition just made me work hard and try to outplay myself.

So suck that, haters.

listening to: mgmt, various yo gabba gabba cameo videos.

being

Things have been recovering quite nicely- I had a really dramatic November 22nd, what with the RPO sub audition, and the continually perplexing behavior of our excerpt coach towards me. But my ego has resurfaced, as least with more confidence. Partially because I talked to Carol about it, partially because she wouldn't let me play meekly in my lesson, partly because I realized that I don't do music because I want to please other people. I do music for myself and for the music itself- the language of the dead and the living, which can only be translated by a small group of people. If nothing else, I have encountered repeated rejection here at Eastman: rejection by adjudicators, peers, and my body. But, I have also encountered sincere support from Carol, form Erin, from MJ: people who believe that I'm both a musician and a great person, and that I'm worthy. When the world is hailing hate, they're a fuzzy blanket that I can tie around my shoulders like a child superhero. Their kind words give me the ability to regenerate my own confidence, even if it takes days or even weeks. And the suffering? Well, it sucks, but better to do it now, when performances will neither make nor break my career. I wouldn't have it any other way.

listening to: department of eagles, grizzly bear

Why you might suck, even if it sounds ok

One of the issues I've been grappling with this week is what it takes to be a musician. Granted, it's not exactly a small issue, and I have a sneaking suspicion that other people think about this more often than I do, and have a variety of opinions on the matter. But since Wednesday, when Erin and I commiserated over the "boring-ness" of people here, I feel like I've been surrounded by signs of artistry and inspiration. All of the books I have opened have magically referenced said topic, and have corroborated my opinions on inspiration, emotion, and feeling. Here's some of what I've learned so far:

1) Great musicians are not great because they have technical facility or play in tune. They are great because they are artists, probing into "that almost indescribable realm of human depth." (Mastery of music, 7)

2) Music making can be thought of as mastery of technique, performance, and SELF. If you are on a journey to discover yourself and where you fit in within the world, and you long to communicate such an experience, you will affect people.

3) Artistry is such a loaded term. It's kind of a bullshit way of describing something that words cannot really do justice to. But we all (or many of us) can think of it in our lives. We can think of a time when a piece, a concert, a performer moved us to a place we hadn't been to before. We can think of a book, a painting, a play or movie that changed our perception of time, space, and the present. Artistry is undefinable, yet palpable.

4) Why do music? Why do any art? Because you have to. Not because it's lucrative (hardly), not because it sounds pretty (not always), not because it's what you're good at or it's easy (definitely not). You do art because you have to. On Thursday, on the way back from getting my car's oil changed, I heard an interview with Dolores O'Riordan of the Cranberries, in which she said, "I write songs because I have to. It's a process of getting inside myself-do I need to see a shrink? Maybe. I'll write a song about those issues." Peter Maxwell Davies said, "if nobody remembers my music ten years after my death, it won't matter...I compose because it is an ongoing process of self-refinement." Music making is as much of a process, and even though we don't actively create things in the way a composer does, we should be no less inspired, creative, and thoughtful. And yet, here and now, music making in the incubated environment of college is droll and lifeless, stale, and emotionless- people are filled with sawdust dreams, spewing empty words, with vacant eyes and a static heart of constancy. How can I, an inconsistent person with so many thoughts and feelings, scarred emotions and skin, compete with the hollowness? I don't know, but I try.

5) Bobby McFerrin has a beautiful quote which summarizes what I want from music, from art, from all things:

When I go to a concert, I don't want to leave the hall the same way I entered. I want transcendence. i want something to happen to me in there, so that when I elave the hall, I've been touched in a deep, deep way-by magic, by some holy accident. I'm singing this song, and all of a sudden I hear this voice in the balcony singing along with me. Something happens which makes people feel they have been asked to step outside themselves a little bit, to help create the musical space. That's what I want, and I think that is what everybody wants.

I've felt this so many times at popular music concerts- a moment when the crowd and the artist communicate as one thing, when a song touches everyone in a way they had not predicted, when you feel a deep inexplicable love for the performers, the audience, for the world. This is what I want to communicate. This is what I want to evoke, to create. Art has the power to change you-so why are people just fucking around here? I don't know. But I'll keep searching for it, for transcendence.

Quotes of note:

The light shines in darkness and the darkness has not understood it.

Nothing is better than music. When it takes us out of time, it has done more for us than we have the right to hope for: it has broadened the limits of our sorrowful lives; it has lit up the sweetness of our hours of happiness by effacing the pettinesses that diminish us, bring us back pure and new to what was, what will be and what music has create for us. -nadia boulanger

Music making is constructed of correct notes, correct rhythms, dynamics and articulation. But the mortar is human trust of self and others, belief in self and others, and love of self...if one believes that music is self-expression, then it should follow that one must have aself to express. Before one is able to conduct and evoke artistry...one must spend a considerable amount of time on oneself, on one's inside stuff.

awareness is a necessary condition for the artist in the world. Without awareness, there can be no growth, little honest music, and little love.

...many times, there is something missing in the sound: that something which provides a brilliance of color and accuracy of pitch that is unmistakable if one is listening. What is missing? What is missing to those who really listen is a humanness to the sound. A sound that is born because of the conductor's selflessness and understanding of human love through music.

-james jordan

currently listening to: the department of eagles. soooo good.

Of Love and Hate

These last two days have been rather interesting for me, combining glimpses of the best of humanity, and perhaps, the less savory side of things.

On the more banal daily occurrences, I played in studio class and it was pretty mediocre, by my personal standards, and the entire studio class was full of completely uninspired, emotionally lacking performances, which have since sent me on a quest of sorts to figure out why musicians don't think of themselves as creative artists. It turns out that this is a fabulous, self-reflective journey, and I'm already fascinated after an hour or two of reading and reflecting.

On the tragic side, Marylou Speaker Churchill, famed NEC teacher and former BSO player, passed away from Breast cancer on Tuesday. While we all knew that she was battling cancer for years, what was hardest for me was acknowledging that she was a Christian Scientist, which therefore believes that illness comes from sin, fear, or ignorance, and that one can only eliminate sickness with belief, prayer, and acknowledgement of the sickness. Christian Science has some really beautiful beliefs, about love, that God is in all of us and created us all, and that prayer can only work when backed by true unconditional love for all beings. While I can consciously allow the beautiful side of this religion to ring true with me, it is entirely impossible for me to accept someone's slow demise from cancer "because of sin/ignorance/fear." Cancer is one thing in our culture that we know NOTHING about. We don't know what causes it. We don't really know what cures it. We don't know why things get better and then get worse, and then you might die. Our western medicine is completely baffled by cancer in all beings, not just humans. And cancer is dangerous. So I can see why one might seek spiritual reinforcement for cancer treatment However, to knowingly and willingly refuse any form of treatment for cancer is masochistic. Marylou was diagnosed 6 years ago, at least, which really makes me believe that treatment and eradication could have been possible. I understand that if someone has cancer of the brain, blood, or various organs that rarely recover, they might not want extensive treatment, as those are the most dangerous varieties. But breast cancer? It's so treatable, as far as cancers go, and it pains me to imagine how much suffering she endured for all those years. On the flip side, she was such a radiant, supportive figure to her students, to violinists, to her children, and she truly lived the beautiful, loving part of her faith. But her faith may have killed her, and that's what hurts me the most, rather than her departure from this earth.

On a similarly negative side of things, I was informed that some of the girls in another viola studio were complaining how Carol's studio always wins competitions/orchestral seatings/etc, and here's how the dialogue unfolded, or how I imagine it:

"I heard that Georgina has the swine flu."

"Ooh- I hope she can make the rest of her studio sick before the Harold In Italy competition."

"Yeah, that would show them."

I am so thoroughly repulsed by such hateful, injurious words that it makes me ill to think of them. Who could wish ill upon anyone in such a way? And why would you want other people to get sick just so you might have a better shot at succeeding? I can't get over the hatred, selfishness, and truly repulsive behavior that this is, and it explains so much of the cruelty and suffering of humanity. I could never imagine such a thing, even when I haven't liked people. It's disgusting on a whole new level, that I never thought was possible. And so, I apparently have to play well, and play with love...Because the other team will be playing with hate.

There is a very fitting quote from Marylou that addresses this issue:

"There is a law of this universe which is so simple and so powerful and it literally wipes this fear out of your being, and it is this... 'perfect love casts out fear.' If you are actively engaged in loving your instrument, loving the music, loving the audience, loving the committee, loving your enemies, then there is simply no room for fear of any kind, and you will find yourself playing better than you expected."

Love is the movement. May we all live it.

Dear Rivers Cuomo,

Dear Rivers Cuomo (lead Singer of Weezer and famed wearer of black plastic glasses),

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????

If this video is any indication of things, then you have FAILED. You stole my heart with your 90's songs like "Only in Dreams," "Buddy Holly," and "Pink Triangle." You made me sensibilities smile with your geeky glasses and ugly sweaters. And then, you forgot to age, and continued writing the same songs, only much much worse, for the last 12 years. Here's the stats:

1) You were born in 1970, so you are 39 right now. And yet, your latest album has references to macking it with girls wearing Abercrombie. Are you a pedophile? Did you notice that you got married in the last years? Or did you miss that point?

2) Here are some of your lastest and greatest (worst) songs in the past few years: "We are all on Drugs," "Beverly Hills" (hate that song!), "Pork and Beans" and now this, this famed collaboration with Kenny G. Yes, Kenny G.

3) What inspired you to do this? Kenny G is a smooth jazz soprano sax player. "Hmm, just what my alternative rock song needs. Some smooth jazz. Oh yeah." Wrong. Fail.

4) Everything you do now is self-serving attention seeking behavior. Weezer snuggies. Working Kenny G and Chamillionaire? You are on "YO Gabba Gabba" in insect costume? Is there anything else weird that you are doing?

So, in closure, I'd just like to say that I'm very disappointed in you, Rivers. I thought I could fancy you forever, but now, you're just old, weird, and writing songs that appeal to the intellect of a 13 year old. Too bad.

Halloween and Deceptions

I had a rather nice Halloween, dressing up as Max from "Where the Wild Things Are." Tail? Check. Ears? Complete. Paper Crown? Yes-mission accomplished. I also helped MJ do her David Bowie makeup, and I actually did ok. Pix to be posted soon. I also went to the graduate soiree, watched the costume contest to be a popularity contest, and then went to a house party? I know- that's very un-Kayleigh-like. To go to a party where a variety of substances are being used and lots of people are crazy and belligerent or euphoric. It was very odd, but much appreciated, especially since there were decent bands playing all night in the basement. And here's the clincher, at least for me. While watching the final band of the evening, I realized that I have an inexplicable attraction to people who dress up as Alex from Clockwork Orange. That's weird-I remember being totally attracted to people who dressed up as Alex in high school. It's so wrong- Alex is a character who is sexually abusive to women, violent, cruel, and possessing an usual affinity for Beethoven and cow's milk. And yet, perhaps I am attracted because the kind of person who wears that costume is not the person who has Alex's personality. The only person who would dress up as Alex is someone who has a retro affinity for Kubrick movies, who has an awareness of overt sexual imagery without it dominating his sensibilities, someone who is not afraid to wear a little guyliner, all white, and a bowler. I found this discovery to be fabulously amusing, because it's ironic to like a character who is so degrading to women. But in the end, Halloween is about being what you're not. It's the quiet people dressing up as everything that they're not, it's the guy going in drag, the gay guy going as a woman, and the geeky boy going as a Little Rascal. It's the day that you can be someone that you're not, someone that you want to be, someone that you hope to never be. And it's the fantasy and masquerade that is the allure.

Yes for change. No for hate.

I am thrilled to read that congress and Obama have changed the policies on HIV/AIDS travelling internationally. While I am shocked and appalled that such a legislation even existed, I'm glad that I live at a time when there is a movement away from bigotry and towards tolerance. On the other hand, I feel devastated for the people of Uganda, with the possible "Anti-Homosexuality" bill. I had a friend who posted against this on his facebook wall (he's super-Christian) and it made me happy that he could resist his friends' disagreements on the issue. His point was that no matter what you believe about homosexuality, no government should ever have the power to kill people for their sexual lifestyle. My friend hasn't gotten too much backlash for it, but some of the responses have been interesting, things like:

"I don't think governments should ever be that powerful, but I also don't agree with homosexuality. so..."

Otherwise, I'm proud of him for having his views on human rights, no matter his spiritual views.

Women at the Helm

This has been an awesome week for women musicians, at least in the Kayleigh files. On Wednesday, I had the good fortune to see St. Vincent play with Andrew Bird, and it really made my heart clap to see Annie Clark lead a group of boy-men in a band. I think it's somewhat rare to see the "Blondie" model of things, with a female lead singer, but what makes St. Vincent better is that she actually shreds the guitar. No folks, there's no lead guitarist, it's just her. So it's even better than a female led band, because she does two things. And her songs are awesome.

This is an oldie, but a goodie. (Oh, and did I mention that she's gorgeous???? Nothing's more awesome than a beautiful, feminine lady SHREDDING a guitar and having lovely vocals. Seriously. Just check out My Brightest Diamond or Shara Worden).

In the classical realm, I was delighted to see the Pacifica Quartet yesterday, after a very successful year for them, what with the Grammy and whatnot. And it made me super happy to see their first violinist, the only lady in the group, rule. They played Mozart Dissonance Quartet and Janacek's "Intimate Letters" quartet, the latter of which has always been a favorite of mine. It was awesome to see two amazing ladies rule the roost, musically speaking, and it gave me courage that there are women out there fighting the noble battle. Rock on!

Two Weeks Fan Video

Two Weeks - Grizzly Bear from Gabe Askew on Vimeo.

This is a freaking AMAZING music video that just blew my mind completely. It is so beautiful and original, and I appreciate that the video-maker person decided that the couple was a gay couple. The lead singer of Grizzly Bear is openly gay, and it just makes me heart clap that a group can be so successful, despite our world's homophobia.

The Sublime and the tragic

I had a very stressful week, what with the women in charge wielding a heavy hammer at my ego and my soul. (Did I mention that my ego feels needy and weak? Like it should be breast-fed?) However, a few events of presto-change-o quickness got me out of my own little world, at least for two days.

1) Someone from my high school, a year older than me, just died of cancer this past week. It wasn't someone I was close with, but someone I knew- a popular boy who was always MVP for soccer and football and whatnot. His is the second young adult cancer death from my high school, and the third or fourth cancer diagnosis of someone under 23 that I've known. Scary.

2) My pianist extraordinaire, Futaba, made it to the finals of a huge major international competition, Concert Artists Guild! This is an amazing opportunity for her, and I'm so excited for her.

3) I found out that my teacher, Carol, was misdiagnosed for her tendonitis, and actually has a lot more than bone spurs growing in her arm. It is highly likely that she will have to undergo invasive surgery, and needless to say, she's pretty damn upset.

Anyone, I realized that even when I'm really stressed, it helps to realize that there's more than just me. Or at least, if I look outside my situation, it will make my plight look much better. (i.e. carol would kill to be able to play viola right now, and would probably weather any emotional storms to do it.) It's when we dwell so much on ourselves that we can only suffer in solitude that we really do internal damage.

It is never polite to ask someone extensive details about amorous escapades. Period.

In all new and fresh friendships, there comes a time when primal urges must be discussed, not necessarily because they are affecting the friendship, but because girls want to compare dating histories. They want to know who you've been macking with, who you've slept with, who you hate. But what if you have nothing to contribute to this conversation? Well, welcome to my life. For starters, I assume the position that it is never appropriate to prod someone about their love life, unless it naturally flows into the conversation. I take this stance on my complete lack of amorous escapades, and the abundance of awkward questions asked of me by others who do not know better. One thing that women and men don't realize is that not everyone has been loved before. Or even liked. my love life seems to have peaked at the age of four when a 6 year old liked me and tried to kiss me in the kiddie pool. he also took off his swim trunks and showed me his package, so his mental health is suspect. So when people now ask about my love life, I tend to trail off and find a way to get off subject. Here's an example of some of the great questions I have been asked in the last few years that I hate being asked:

"Did you have anyone at NEC, I mean since you haven't had anyone at Eastman?"- No comment

"Why haven't you had any boyfriends? Are you just too busy?" - Ok, this is the type of question that makes me want to scream. First of all, NO ONE HAS LIKED ME in the last 17 years. Seriously. I try to downplay this in normal day-to-day conversation, because no one needs to know this shit. But if you ask a loaded question like this, I am resisting the urge to either cry or hit you hard with your instrument. I am not turning people down, so to speak. I was never asked to a dance in high school, I have never been asked out, I have never been on a date, I have never been liked by a heterosexual male. Period. This is a concept that the serial dater simply can't fathom. And as an afterthought, I have to add that I have been hit on by women, but I simply am completely unattracted to women. I think I have enough bosoms for more than one person, and I have never been attracted to chicks ever. If I could have someone care about me, I would. I am not too fucking busy. It's just how it's been, ok? So don't ask that question.

"Oh, man, I haven't had sex in a year. Being single is so hard."- No comment

See? People can be awful sometimes. Rules for life:

1) never ask someone you only know minimally about their love life. if you know them well, they'll tell you about it. if you don't know them well, they probably don't want to talk about it.

2) don't EVER ask someone why they don't currently have a boyfriend. it's not like you can buy boyfriends at the supermarket next to tampons and soymilk and aluminum free deodorant. it just doesn't work that way, folks.

3) if someone has a boyfriend, that does not give you license to prod them about their relationship unless they volunteer it.

4) if you discover that your conversational buddy does not have a lovelife or a history of amorous escapades, that does not give you license to discuss all of yours in detail.

5) Oh, and never discuss your sex life with someone you're not super close with. It's just awkward and unnecessary.

Maybe I'm a bit sensitive to this subject, but I hate hate hate when people ask me questions along these lines. I hate this whole part of my life, frankly, and I hate having to admit to the world that I've never been fancied. I've been told that I need to change; that I need to dress better, that maybe it's because I have acne or I'm not super thin. But frankly, I don't think it matters. I will never be thin or beautiful, and if that's something that will forever prevent me from being liked, then so be it. It's not my fault that I am who I am, and I don't want to be told otherwise.

Please Don't Mind Me, I'm having a Soundgasm.

We had our first two hour studio class where we did not have scales, and it was a viola-fest! And a soundgasm, I suppose. (That's my specific term to describe musical ecstasy, not to be mixed up with foodgasm). Everyone who played tonight really did well for where they've been in life, and it was great to see such huge progress all around. (Apparently, I did pretty well too, but my self-criticism skills find that hard to believe.) I then went to a bit of an undergrad voice recital and had my mind blown with high notes, and beautiful voice timbre, and well, everything. So, if you see Erin Kirby in a state of confusion and shock, she's having a soundgasm too. (It was just nice to not feel totally inadequate for a change, on my part, at least).

The Art of Practicing

I'm rereading this book that I have owned for a while and read in high school or early college called "The Art of Practicing" by Madeline Bruser. Now that I'm, um, older and wiser, it holds a whole new level of meaning for me, and which is really exciting. I'm looking forward to reading it, since I started last year's Stephenie Meyer book "The Host" and it totally sucks, and there's now way I'm reading 600 pages of that crap. Here are some of the most pertinent lines from the chapters I've reread:

"Countless times students ask,'Do you think I have talent? Do you think I'll be able to play well?' Each person's talent is unique, and some are more gifted than others, but an intense desire to play well indicates that music is already inside the person, pressing toward the surface and needing to come out. Know this and take heart from it as you make your particular journey with music."

Erin, that's for you and ME!

"The performer's job is...to open fully to music, to let it come in, physically and mentally, and to become an unobstructed channel for its transmission for its transmission to other people. We cannot possibly give music to others without first receiving it ourselves. Practicing is the process of receiving what was written."

Well put! What an interesting and more personal interpretation of practicing.

"When musicians develop injuries that interrupt their practicing for months, they get depressed. Cut off from the communion with great music, they feel deprived of an essential food. We forget so easily our NEED to practice. So stop for a minute and think about the chance you have. You never know when you might lose it. Even if nothing ever interrupts your musical life, sooner or later your life will end. Remembering this fact can inspire you to make the most of the time you have."

I certainly understand the injuries thing, and I empathize with Carol immensely. To have so much music in your heart, and to not be able to express it is truly awful. To have the ability to express it, and not realize it is worse.

Currently listening to: recordings of Bach 6 by different people, recordings of myself...

Nuit Blanche

Here are some photos from last weekend's spontaneous
trip to Toronto for Nuit

Blanche- a crazy outdoor art festival that happened from 7 PM to 7 AM! We only made it until 5:30 AM, but it was a load of fun, and was a great way to escape the ROC. The first pic is of me wearing a blanket as a cape at 5 AM in a subway station. One of the art displays featured giving out blankets and hot cocoa to us, as if we were homeless folk. It was interesting and it was cold, so we wanted it!
The second picture is of a firespinner lady. Crazy! The third is of me wearing a box in a box town outside the Metro supermarket, circa 1:30AM.

The waterfall pic is an edited picture of Niagara Falls that we took on the way home on Sunday night.

I love the mural- it was a work in progress and they were painting it as we were there!!!!

The inflatable babies were lining the streets near the art museum. I'm in the foreground, staring at the baby in my hipster apparel.

Anyway, I had a great time, and it sucks to put pictures up on blogger-it's really awkward. But you get the gist...

Under Pressure

I've been wanting to post something for a while, but I simply haven't had time. I mean literally, haven't had time to do much of anything recreational. This was more applicable last week before my rinky dink fall break happened, but the tension is escalating again, and well, it's still relevant. So, if I had to pick ONE song that entirely encapsulated the 2009 fall school year, it would be this song. (Too bad I can't either sing like Freddy or David, nor do I have the same androgynous appeal.)

These last few weeks have been SO intense for me! I feel bad for MJ because I haven't had time to hang out, and I feel like a subpar friend. I've also been neglecting many of my friends, because each day, I struggle to make time for a few hours of practicing, which is a bigger challenge than it should be. I've taken to a whole new "workaholic" style schedule- wake up at 7:15, kicking ass in a practice room with green tea by 8 AM, coming home by 9 something, exercising or going to work at the radio station, returning home, practicing, going to class, practicing, blah, blah, blah, eating odd foods for meals, such as apples and raw cheddar cheese, and subsisting on mass quantities of green tea. I used to never do any work after 9 PM- that was my relaxing time. Now, it's prime productivity time! Anyway, I've been feeling overwhelmed with the craziness, and I've realized it's because all of the "powerful" people in my life are intense women. Carol has been pretty intense lately, even though I'm working harder than I ever have and I'm practicing more. I think it's because she can't play much, and she's living vicariously through me to get me up to her intense standards. Either that, or she's melancholy about the injury and is projecting that frustration on me. Or neither. And then my radio station boss is also a woman, also crazy, and very intense. Sometimes she'll tell me to do things without really explaining what to do, and then I'll ask her a question about it and she'll just FLIP OUT. Like yesterday, she told me I had to save a pair of tickets for Marianne. But I have no idea who the hell that is???? So I didn't fill out a piece of paper right, and she lost it, and then told me that Marianne was the Saturday afternoon opera announcer. Well, I never come in on Saturdays, and I only know the weekday folks! My boss is always stressed out, and sometimes, she just flips out for no reason- I've had some really great one liners like, "Well, clearly, math SUCKS for you, doesn't it?" or the more typical "What ARE you doing there? We can't play Gershwin- it's too modern!" So, that's two folks applying the pressure liberally. And then, uh, orchestra excerpts is a bit too intense, because the woman running it is very blunt, and not very complimentary, so even if you practice a lot, she just goes in for the kill, and gives a half-assed compliment in the beginning, just so you don't feel too insecure. Pressure point #3. And lastly, my dear old teaching job is a little insane because of their intense disorganization, and it doesn't help when the kids start yelling and screaming, not because I've done anything wrong, but because they're not quite with it. Needless to say, I've being assaulted some days, or actually most days. A year ago, I was utterly and completely bored, and had nothing to do. Now I have plenty to do, but I'm so overwhelmed that I'm barely making it through the weeks. balance perhaps? Maybe next time. For now, I'll just have to enjoy that $700 monthly paycheck...

Collective Stupidity

My studio class' collective intelligence drops about 40% when making comments. Here's an example of a typical studio class comment:

You sounded, like, SO, like, good. And like, I think, you're like, the best interpreter of bach, like ever? And I like, didn't really, um, hear it, but I know you're like the best? And Bach is like SO meaningful to you, and that's like amazing. But, uh, yeah, I think you could like have a better sound? It seemed like you, um, weren't in the string much? But, um, yeah, it sounded amazing, and I uh, really enjoyed it.

Apparently, my studio is quite stupid. Who knew?

Other Sweet Music Videos

Here's one of my other video favorites that I think is just really interestingly done. I didn't want to put it on the "at seventeen" page, since it has no thematic correlation with that one.

It is a sort of side project of members of Grizzly Bear- "Band of Eagles."

I just like this one, Metronomy's "Radio Ladio" because they are all funny colored, and the way they play the piano is fabulous.

I really like the "cuteness" factor of this, since none of them look quite this adorable in real life. Although the drummer (second from right) is quite cute in real life. And I have had a dream about being Grizzly Bear's housekeeper.

And I just like St vincent- this isn't an amazing video. I think she also looks more gorgeous than normal here.

At Seventeen

On Thursday, I heard this fabulous song that just made me want to cry. Her voice is almost like Joni Mitchell's, but just slightly different, and equally poignant.

This version is obviously life and not as intense as the album version, which still is tragic. Observe the lyrics and weep. Seriously. Especially if you're me, and your high school experience was subpar and no one has liked you since third grade.

At seventeen: Janis Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth...

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say "come dance with me"
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen...

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said: "Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve"
The rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly...

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debitures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen...

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
the world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me...

We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen...

The Phantom Tollbooth and Life

Last weekend, when I drove for 16 hours in two days for a wedding (ahem!) I had many opportunities to self-reflection, drowsiness, observing the landscape around me (Pennsylvania? Amish folk?), and listening to things. One of the things I listened to was the The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster, narrated by David Hyde Pierce. And it was lovely.

First of all, the book was written written in 1961, and has fabulous illustrations by Jules Feiffer which still stick in my head, even when listening to the book. The book is a witty adventure story, in which Milo, a boy with endless ennui, goes on an adventure because of a mysterious tollbooth that manifests itself in his room. Milo visits all sorts of places: dictionopolis (where words are bought and sold and are edible!), expectations (imagine the puns), digitopolis, the mountains of ignorance, and what not. Before receiving the tollbooth, Milo was a very dissatisfied person: he was never happy, no matter what he was doing, and he was always looking to be where he wasn't. He was always looking forwards or backwards, and could never be present. (Well, doesn't that sound familiar????) Milo's subsequent adventures teach him the value of many things that he took for granted, such as:

1) Education: Milo realizes that he has so much to learn about words, numbers, sounds, wisdom, and that when you learn something, you never know when it will be useful again.

2) How to appreciate life as it is. Milo is unhappy initially with his array of toys, his life, etc, and he realizes that he takes everything for granted!

3) Generosity and concern for others: Milo learns to care for Tock and the Humbug, and to try to help others when their plight is grave. By rescuing Rhyme and Reason, Milo is learning to help others as a means to help himself.

4) Time: The most significant character in the book, aside from Milo, is Tock, the WATCHdog. He is always reminding Milo to use time wisely, to know that time passes quickly, and that everyone's presence is a temporal gift. Tock teaches Milo to be mindful of his life and time. And at the end of the book, there is a very interesting issue in which Milo must go home to his own life and family, and despite his desire to stay in the kingdom of wisdom, he realizes that everything changes, and all things end. (Hmm!!!!)

For me, as a buddhist-y children's lit loving girl, this book was as powerful as it was when I was smaller. It teaches us how to become aware of our lives, how to be curious, to be mindful, to be kind, to be generous: all without being didactic or condescending. In some ways, it is almost spiritual in trajectory- Milo's adventures teach him mindfulness and awareness, skills we all aim to develop. Some of the quotes were so poetic, so relevant to Buddhist philosophy, and perhaps all philosophy, that I'll share a few.

"But it's not just learning things that's important. It's learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters."

"..the most important reason for going from one place to another is to see what's in between, and they took great pleasure in doing just that. Then one day someone discovered that if you walked as fast as possible and looked at nothing but your shoes you would arrive at your destination much more quickly. Soon everyone was doing it. They all rushed down the avenues and hurried along the boulevards seeing nothing of the wonders and beauties of their city as they went.No one paid any attention to how things looked, and as they moved faster and faster everything grew uglier and dirtier, and as everything grew uglier and dirtier they moved faster and faster, and at last a very strange thing began to happen. Because nobody cared, the city slowly began to disappear. Day by day the buildings grew fainter and fainter, and the streets faded away, until at last it was entirely invisible. There was nothing to see at all."

“You’ll find,” he remarked gently, “that the only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that’s hardly worth the effort.”

"You must never feel badly about making mistakes," explained Reason quietly, "as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons."

"Time is a gift, given to you, given to give you the time you need, the time you need to have the time of your life."

There are many more quotes, and many more things to say about this fabulous book, but I recommend you just read it instead. :)

The Instrument Price Game

Alas, one thing that has always driven me nuts about music is how people so lightly discuss the exorbitant prices of their instruments, and are very casual about their 15,000 dollar instrument, and complain how shitty it is. My biggest darkest secret (well, not the biggest, one of the biggest though) is that my instrument is dirt cheap, and that bow+viola=$4000. And well, that's worked out ok so far. it's obviously not the best of situations, but I end up sounding decent, and I don't really feel like any else's ridiculously expensive instrument is like a million times better than mine, so why bother until $20000 falls into my lap?

Here's what set off the rant inside my head. I went to another undergrad party last night (2 in one weekend- I've exceeded my quota for the semester and perhaps the year) and one of my studiomates broke her bow and the tip shattered or something like that. And she was a bit nonchalant, like, "lalala, I was so upset, but then my parents told me it was insured, and now I can upgrade!"

Me: "that's great! Were you not satisfied with it before?"

Her: "well, it was sort of a nice bow, you know, $3,000. So I was a little sad it broke."

Me, stifling an urge to spit out a beverage in shock: "Oh, yes, that would be a bit sad."

Anyway, this is just one of my many incidents in which people talk to me about their nice instruments, and I just nod and acknowledge that my instrument seems nice to them, but in fact, is quite economical. But I suppose if these people simply can't tell my instrument isn't worth oodles, then haven't I really succeeded?

listening: to new Dodos album

the wedding blues

So I went to a very nice, very beautiful wedding this weekend, and I realized these things:

1) I have an irrational fear of driving on high bridges over bodies of water

2) I have an irrational fear of never being loved.

Now, most people are cynics and say, "yes, weddings are awful if you're single, especially if you don't have a guest." This thought had simply never occurred to me, and I'd just never experienced it before. never before (ok, not since high school dances) have i felt so awkwardly single, lonely, and bizarre as i did at this wedding. here's why:

1) i only knew 4 other people there, which consisted of two couples.

2) salsa dancing is not a group effort, it is a dance of couples.

3) i was the only single person at the table, and one of 5 or 6 single ladies at the wedding.

4) not knowing people + salsa dancing= awkward feeling of singledom being an affliction, which i was already well aware of.

So, here's the scoop: let single people bring guests, even if they are friends and not biffles or lady friends. Let people bring guests if they're travelling from far away and they are staying in a hotel alone. Let people bring guests when you've had a flurry of last minute cancellations. A wedding is absolutely all about YOU (the bride and groom) but it is also about the sacred witnessing of the collective of your vows. The community of friends and family has gathered as a witness, as a "sangha," as support, and as people who value you as friends and as a couple. If you support your community a bit, you're supporting yourself, i think.

anyways, the wedding ceremony was very beautiful, nice dresses, tasteful decor, nice location, nice vows...all the things that will be remembered in history were great. and that's what really counts.

listening to: bach 6

Sangha

I've come to realize that what i missed last year was sangha, or community. It doesn't matter what form the community takes- it doesn't have to be a yoga community, a buddhist community, or any other specific form, but just having people who are kind, thoughtful, and care about you. MJ and I had a small party on Saturday, and it was a great party- a nice mix of people came, and I made lavender chocolate cupcakes, and we realized "yes! we have more than 2 friends now!". We have a community of acquaintances, which we never really had last year much. She has some saxophone homies and I have some viola homies, but we have some non-sax-viola friends, which is nice. I also 'joined' (if you call it that) a buddhist sangha in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh, called the blooming lilac sangha, which met yesterday. It was only about 8-9 people, and we meditated for an hour, listened to a dharma talk, and had dharma discussion afterwards, and it was great. Everyone was so kind and welcoming, and this was the first of the three buddhist groups that really embraced me, which makes me want to return. The Tibetan group was very nice as well when I went, but there were too many people, and I sort of fell into the cascade of anonymity in the group. They also didn't meditate, which I really wanted anyway. The zen center people were nice, but the practice itself seemed too sterile for me, what with people wearing robes all the time, and the infamous "stick" that you hit people with. I also felt like I stuck out in the meditation, because I didn't have any fancy-pants robes to blend in with. But this group, Blooming Lilac, seems to be for me. In our discussion yesterday, everyone wanted to know what I did, where I was from, and everything else, and it was really quite nice to be supported already by a group of loving and caring people. Afterwards, I went to the studio viola party, and joined another sangha, to be cared for once again, and it was lovely. So yes, sangha is important, and it is one of the things I lacked last year. I look forward to having more caring people in my life again.

listening to: bjork, dark was the night, arcade fire, michael jackson

School and motivation

Carol has this amazing gift of both overestimating one's abilities while also inspiring one to work exceptionally hard. That's my perception, at least. Almost every "planning" lesson with carol features her telling me that I should do something close to absurd, like memorizing the ligeti sonata, for example, or that I should apply for GD at a gazillion good schools. While I sometimes hate the pressure she can put on people, I enjoy it, since it makes me work harder, even if it can be a bit crazy sometimes. For the first week of school, it's been pretty painless in general. I only have 2 classes (count them! 1-2), and I didn't go to one class meeting and the other one was shortened. I'm not in ensemble, and I'm doing chamber music with my friend for no credit. So while Carol is piling things on, I think it'll actually be ok because I might have the time to complete the mission, so to speak. While I did have a baby flare-up last weekend, which was really odd, I seemed to have healed, which is GREAT. I really want to make a serious effort to keep that under control, because I'd like to have a very healthy year and feel good about that healthiness. I think this year has to be better, because I don't have orchestra, I don't have to deal with totally lame classes like last year, and I've been a much better "course" shopper. So cheers to new year enthusiasm.

In other news, fall is always punctuated by the sound of lawn mowers through an open window. And I love it.

For the New School Year

Sigh. The last real day before classes...Coincidentally, my birthday always has a bittersweet arrival, because it signals the end of summer, the commencement of a new time, the end of dripping moist possibilities and instead the thin crackly veneer of icy hope and aspiration. For this school year, I have a couple of expectations, hopes, and demands. (Yes, demands!) I want this to actually be an ok year, and I'd like to feel like I got something out of my two years here, so here are my plans.

1) To be well, physically. I'd really like to avoid any recurrence of last year's tendonitis, at all costs. I vow to take care of myself physically, and do everything in my power to avoid reinjury, aid strengthening, and target my physical issues.

2) To be happy, and if the conditions at school do not encourage immediate joy, then I need to work at it. Conditions are already present for happiness, I just have to acknowledge them.

3) To be social, when appropriate. I had a few moments of selective hibernation, and I'd like to be socially pro-active, when possible.

4) To learn the most about teaching and work the hardest at becoming a better teacher.

5) To learn some sweet contemporary music and to get involved with others who are interested in the same.

6) To organize or participate in some outreach performances, whether solo or with piano, chamber group, etc. This is a very direct way to give back with music.

7) To take GOOD classes, or at least decent ones. Last years were a bust.

8) To get back into yoga, when my wrist is functional.

9) To participate in the Blooming Lilac sangha, and find a community of people there that share similar goals and aspirations.

10) To follow the 5 mindfulness trainings as best I can. :)

I'm sure that there are plenty of other things that I should be thinking of, but this seems like a pretty thorough list for now.

September has beaten the crap out of August in terms of temperature, but I'm hoping August will fight back in a week or so. Till then, it's sweater time.