Summer always takes me by surprise, as each passing of time does-the seasons, the change of years, birthdays. Most of the time, I try to make a serious attempt to fix the "errors of my ways" and absorb myself in vicious self-scrutiny, usually resulting in the conclusion that I've been lacking in character and quality. But, I'd like to think that perhaps this is the time to actually accept whatever it is I am, whomever I am. I'm getting old, and the stereotypical female models of daily self-analysis are wearing down the skin of my soul. Each day, to wake up and be dissatisfied with my appearance, my face, my pores, the way fat disperses on my body-it's such a waste! Nothing changes from being looked at in the mirror-it's still going to be there, even if you never look. For years, I've been hesitant to look in bathroom mirrors in public places, dressing rooms, or in markets-as though looking in a mirror will make me die like a vampire searching for his nonexistent soul. I've loathed and detested the face that looks back at me for years, constantly hoping that if I just don't look in the mirror-the flaws I can't avoid won't exist. Frankly, it's all fucked up. It's time to get a life, a persona where I can look in the glass and see a face that I might befriend in another life, not one that I would criticize and pity for its asymmetry or disproportions. Getting back to this whole summertime business and analysis, now is the time to resolve to accept and move on. So, summer is here and my resolution is to get a life, to stop hating what it is I have become and always been.
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