Last Days and New Beginnings

Last sunset in Boston for a while.

Miami Beach is calling!

Dancing my way to Miami

Since I've been to Miami, I'm ready to embrace the warmth, the festivities, and the plethora of hip hop, rap, and electronica that pervades the club scene in Miami.  (As well as the stilettos-I packed 6 pairs of heels this afternoon!)  This has resulted in some interesting music discoveries-I bought a few albums last week at Amoeba in Hollywood, mostly pop, and I've been dancing around to house to these tracks.
Discovery-Carby (featuring Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend)


Robyn: "Dancing On My Own."  Heard it in the summer, but never committed to liking it until last week.


The Hood Internet-Mashup of Grizzly Bear/Dead Prez
The Hood Internet - Two Weeks Of Hip Hop (Dead Prez x Grizzly Bear) by hoodinternet

The Hood Internet: Jay-Z +LCD Soundsystem
The Hood Internet - Just Wanna Dance Yrself Clean (Jay-Z x LCD Soundsystem) by hoodinternet

I don't know what this all means, but I'm totally drawn to the danceable jams these days.  When I was in Miami, I had a solo dance party in my new minidress to LCD Soundsystem and Lady Gaga.  So...I'm going mainstream?  I don't know, but it's fun.

Our Impossible Soul

Most times, men don't get it.  They don't understand why women have this fragility, this fear about sex, their bodies, and being violated.  Sometimes, it's because we can't really express the things that have happened in our past.  Sometimes, it just an innate fear bred in us from our parents, or our backgrounds, or our religion.  It'd be nice if all women felt comfortable enough with their bodies to the point where sex and intimacy were not scary things.  But it turns out that many women feel this way (not just me!).  Sometimes I forget about this possibility, since I always imagine the insecurities that I feel are just my problems.  How did this whole thought process come about, you may ask?
    Well, my friend Tony asked me why I don't really date people.  And after a very long winded story detailing various negative experiences, he was like "whoah! I'm so sorry that these things happened to you.  But you still like men?  We're not all bad."  And I was beginning to realize (or at least think) that some of my reticence to date anyone was rooted in all of the negative experiences I had both in my freshman year incidents, and with my awful high school pseudo-boyfriend.  I've also noticed in the last year that I keep losing weight, but I'm not trying particularly hard.  if anything, I'm drinking more, which is in no way calorically beneficial.
       While I don't recommend making deep life decisions based on Oprah's O magazine (which I catch up on every year when I go to my grandma's house, where there is a stack of them), I came to this conclusion, thanks to the middle-aged women running O: My extra weight, basic tee shirt attire, and general shyness about appearance has all been a shield to prevent unwanted male affections.  The magazine suggested that one's extra weight can be like a shield, a wall, to the outside world, and in my case, quite possibly to the perpetrators of my sexual assault.  In the last two years, I've become more confident, both as a musician, and as a person. Living in Rochester made me feel like I could deal with anything, whether in terms of violence against women (crazy people living in Rochester!) or in terms of interpersonal relationships.  And I've been breaking down that wall so to speak (a woman cutting her hair is in the midst of a great personal change!).  For much of my undergrad, I was afraid to both be pursued romantically, and to actually have it happen.  I never really equated my fears with the sexual assault, mostly because I was just desperately trying to block it out of my head.  Strangely, I was never attracted to women, which for many people, would be an obvious result.  Despite the array of strange male experiences that I've had (especially the one where I was 3 or 4, and an older boy exposed himself in the kiddy pool, and then kissed me.  Ugh.  I just remembered he asked me to touch him, which I refused, and I never liked him because he always ate tuna for lunch and smelled suspectly.), I guess I've always believed that men are not altogether bad.  I've just run into a few bad ones.  Anyway, I think that my appearance has changed, accidentally, to reflect the internal changes that have occurred, and my growing confidence in most areas of my life.
     But to tie this anachronistic thread together, let me put in this point-the female sexual experience is very complicated, and women have a lot of baggage with sex.  I think it is absolutely possible to get over those issues, whether within a relationship, or just within oneself, but it is definitely an issue that is often glossed over.  Just last week, one of my friend's boyfriends was getting frustrated with her because she doesn't want to have sex as often as he does, and it's just such a male stereotype.  The man wants more sex, and the woman withholds.  But she's not doing it on purpose, it's more that she has a fair amount of reticence towards sex itself, towards her body, and towards the cultural and religious implications of sex.  It's crazy-or the women from more conservative backgrounds who have a terrifying fear of masturbation and vibrators, because our culture doesn't really include that viewpoint.  Yes, Sex and the City did great wonders for woman and sex, but it doesn't mean that we're encouraged to buy vibrators and go have an orgasm by ourselves.  There's still a lot of work to be done in that realm, both culturally and within our groups of friends, and despite the fact that most of my female friends are in their twenties, many of us still have sexual hangups or a fear of sex.  And it's not our fault-we're the product of our ages, our religions, our families, and the cultural expectation for sex is constantly changing, and we're not ready for it yet.  We can just do what we can, within ourselves, and hope for men to be patient with us, because it's our body, not theirs.

The Hood Internet - No One Womanizes Like You (Britney Spears x Department of Eagles) by hoodinternet

Listening to: the Hood Internet, Sufjan Stevens, Robyn, and Discovery

Going Miami on Y'alls

So Miami, particularly South Beach, is sort of a trashy, dirty, sexy place-in mostly entertaining ways, of course.  Despite my lack of religious upbringing, I still have the remnants of a puritanical approach towards the body, particularly my own, and I'm anything but flirtatious.  I'm not a prude by any means-I swear, I drink, I hang out with guys-I just have some strange conservative elements of my persona, which I can't explain.  (For example, I tend to avoid clothes that showcase my assets, especially by Miami standards.  T+A+Legs.)  Why?  I can't really explain it, but somehow being considered sexy has always scared me. It could be a strange strain of feminism, or just my understanding that cleavage should always be understated, rather than omnipresent.  Or that short shorts and miniskirts have no place in regular society.  I don't know how I came up with these conclusions, but I think it must have originated from my consistent displeasure with my body over the last ten years.  I have always known that I'm not deeply and profoundly gorgeous, nor am I thin by any American standard.  I think those insecurities led to me choosing to wear t-shirts and jeans for most of the last ten years.  I never was thin enough to wear a bikini, and my mom rarely let me wear anything that bared anything.  I think there was always this need to shelter me from the reality of my body-"Don't wear short shorts, you're not as thin as the other girls.  Don't wear spaghetti strap shirts-your cleavage is much bigger and your arms aren't as small."  I don't remember exactly what my mom said to me in high school, but she was always concerned that I would wear something inappropriate, which as we all know now, is absolutely ludicrous.  When I was shopping for my formal dress last Christmas, I received a strange echo of my high school experience-every dress I tried on was too tight, too saggy, too low in the front, too low in the back, etc, that by the end of it, I figured I might as well wear a graduation gown for the number of options that I'd have.  I was lucky to find a beautiful gown that was both conservative, sexy, and classic, but in many ways, it demonstrates my own issues with my body, as well as my mom's insecurities with her own.  

Let me preface this all by saying that I'm a bit thinner than I used to be (not oodles, but 20+ pounds less than two years ago) and that my accidental weight loss has gradually ushered in a new level of bodily security.  I've also been engaged in a fabulous flirtation with a dreamy cellist for most of the last month, which also boosted confidence immensely, despite the fact that I've totally peaced out, and have no idea if anything more substantial could've happened.  Anyway, the point is, I'm using Miami as an excuse to buy some ridiculous clothing, get a few more freckles (I don't really tan all that well), and embrace my assets.  To celebrate that, I bought a minidress so mini that there are shorts built into it, therefore making it a romper, I believe.  I am also scanning the sale racks everywhere for some sweet tank tops, since I currently own 2.  This is not to say that I don't have any musical or cosmic goals-instead, this is just own of them.  I'm not a superficial person, most of the time, and perhaps it's time to indulge a little self-preservation and image promotion, while I learn how to play in an orchestra.  And Miami is going to help with all of those things.

A Change of scene

I have arrived in Miami, for part one of my vacation.  The orchestra sounds great, the new hall is beautiful, and the weather has been fabulous.  I went for an amazing run on the beach today, and it was 75.  On the flip side, I have an amazing group of friends in Boston, and I already miss them dearly.  I only have one friend here, and I'm trying to keep from clinging to him like a barnacle, just so that he doesn't end up going batshit crazy with me so early in my time here.  I've already accepted that there will be a bit of a social transition, simply because I haven't done many orchestral festivals, and I don't know a majority of the people in this scene.  I'm sure I'll be fine-it's just not NEC where I came back, and was welcomed with open arms and a bevy of friends, old and new.  (The violists here are NOT as cool as the ones in my studio at NEC).    Anyway, I'm curious to see how this goes, and what people I end up meeting and hanging out with.  I also have to decide how I'm going to pace next semester, since I can't go out every night and just not practice...especially since I'm not sold on this whole orchestral festival thing.  But for now, it's a lovely vacation, with a few close friends, and a really loud brass section to sit in front of.

listening to: kanye's new album, lady gaga, and some beyonce.  I'm in the mood for a dance party.

Bully on Them

I'm a closeted Gleek.  I actually like Glee, but I keep it on the D.L.  I don't ever watch it on Tuesday nights, since we don't have TV, but I religiously catch up every weekend on our dodgy wireless connection at home.  And lately, Glee has had some really powerful events, most of which relate to the openly gay (slightly stereotypical) character, Kurt.  Say what you like about the character, that he has a penchant for flamboyance and sequins and such, but the last few episodes have been really powerful, since he is repeatedly being bullied by a member of the football team.  What with the news last month about bullying, especially towards the young lgbt community in America, I found this to be a really interesting plot line.  On one hand, Kurt's friend from another school tells him to be courageous and to stand up to his oppressor, only to have him yell back, and suddenly kiss him in a moderately traumatizing move.  Kurt learns that other schools, unlike his public Ohio school, have a zero tolerance bullying policy, whereas at his own school, nothing is really being done about it.  His glee friends struggle to defend him, and even Sue Sylvester temporarily kicks out the bully, only to have the school committee say that there is no proof that the bully threatened to kill Kurt.  The end result is that Kurt decides to leave schools, and go to this private school with the zero-tolerance policy.

It brings up many issues, both within our culture, and within high schools.  So many terrible things happen, in terms of bullying and peer relations, yet people rarely stand up for their friends or colleagues. The girls in glee tell their boyfriends to fight back and defend Kurt, which many of them start to do.  But why did they have to be asked?  Why couldn't people just see the situation and decide it wasn't fair?  It's just another reminder that people often turn a blind eye to other people's pain.  As someone who was unpopular and mostly melancholy during high school, I can absolutely see how the cycle continues.   My school had a zero-tolerance policy for violence and such, but so much can occur without actual contact.  Body language, facial expressions-they can tell so much as well.  I remember in second grade, standing up for the boy I carpooled with, who had some LD (learning disabilities) and this guy, Matthew, was making fun of him.  They were both older than me, and in a bold move, I threw all of Matthew's stuff into a rain-filled trashcan, ruining his books, backpack, and possibly his videogames.  Can't remember.  I  then remember telling my parents about it, expecting them to punish me, but they never did.  They could see the greater implications of the situation, and the fact that I had defended my friend (Ben) against a bully.  I only wish that I could have prevented other, more grave situations for people who have suffered more.  There have been countless times when I could have behaved better as a high schooler and middle schooler (although I was seriously bullied in 6th/7th grade, so it works both ways) and I'm glad that this issue has really come to the forefront of our educational movement.  I only hope that more kids will learn to defend their friends and classmates, and that schools and adults will take these acts seriously.

listening to: Prokofiev 5, in prep for December!

The Butter Pie Effect

Isn't it strange how one action can change the whole course of successive events in a profoundly short period of time?  For me, at least, that's what happened.  The irony in all of this, is that I know whose opening I will be occupying-it's Anne Aderman's, who in course took Mary-Kathryn's opening when she went to OSQ last October.  Anne got married in the fall, and has decided to move to be with her beau.  Strange?  Yes.  Very.

I in turn had a very nice chat with Roger about my skills and shortcomings as a player, and he was quite supportive, which I needed.  I feel utterly unqualified to be going down there, but I'm sure it'll be fine once I get over my initial terror.  I have been so fortunate to have teachers that really value me as a person and a player, and when prodded, will remind me that I don't suck.  I think that's why I will always love Carol more than almost any teacher I've had.  I felt that she was so quick to analyze me, but right in all ways, and that she could really see and appreciate the gifts I had to offer, while quickly realizing how shitty my bow arm was when I met her.  It's such an amazing feeling when your mentors and role models look at you in a way of respect and care, especially when you can't always do that for yourself.

On the more entertaining side of things, I'm playing in the next rotation of orchestra here at NEC, which means that the concert will be the evening before I fly to Miami for my first trip.  I will also be last stand, or second to last stand, which is pretty bloody hysterical to me.  I will also be playing all German repertoire.  Anyone else amused?  It does make my schedule a little insane, but I almost feel like I should suck it up, since there's a positive social aspect of playing in orchestra, and many of my friends are in this rotation, and I may not see them for a while.  (Did I also mention that I, hater of orchestra, and am actually applying to Tanglewood this year?  I never thought it would happen, but I just happened to fall in a crowd of 5-6 people at NEC that are my closest friends, who are all going back.  I never wanted to go earlier, because I didn't think I would survive that much orchestra.  But since I'm already going off the deep end, I think I'll be fine now.  Also, they have the contemporary players, and I always wanted to be one of those, and this could be a chance to be a Fromm player in the future.  I still might not like all of it, but it's certainly worth a shot.  Anyway, I can only take off 1 week in the spring for summer festival auditions, and TMC is one of the 3 auditions I can take. )

On the flip side, I did my "Where the Wild Things" outreach presentation for 4 preschool and Kindergarten classes this week (electric viola and improvised tunes) and played my piece for electric vla, percussion, and piano on Monday, to decent acclaim.  So I promise to keep it real, wherever I end up.  I don't want to lose sight of my other dreams-the rock/improv/contemporary ones, the baking/yoga/kids books ones.  I'm just going where the universe is telling me to go.  (The universe is also telling me that I'm very pale, and I'm very curious to see what skin tone I could actually become by May.  As a perpetually pasty girl, it will definitely be an adventure...)

Listening to: The Age of Adz by Sufjan.  Listen to it.  Buy it, stream it, live it.

Me? Really? In Miami?

Yes.  It's true.  I am moving to Miami, at least for the spring. Why? How?  Because I strangely, randomly, and bizarrely have been called by New World to finish off their season for them.  I, who was told that I played so poorly by the excerpt coach at Eastman.  I, who had so many truly dreadful orchestral experiences in my undergrad and at Eastman.  I, who haven't been to an orchestra festival since 2005.  I feel like a cheater!  I just played my first audition for them in March, played decently, but not amazingly, and I still haven't subbed with them normally, and now I'm invited for the rest of the year?  'Tis indeed quite strange, if I say so myself.

In many ways, it was an obvious decision.  Losing money/loans/rent vs. making money.  But on a larger scale, it is evaluating whether the work I'm doing here is so valuable as to forfeit this particular option.  The answer I came up with is no.  I haven't had time to practice enough, by my standards, and I feel like I'm not spending enough time practicing to really get my money's worth.  I'm playing in some great ensembles and some not-so-great ensembles, but neither is something that I couldn't get into if I came back next fall.  I have a lovely apartment with nice roommates, but we're all so independent that my rise and fall will be a fluid transition of a change of guard.  It's scary though-this whole moving/making adult decisions thing.  I'm not used to cool things like this happening, and I know that my parents are a little surprised at the turn of events.  My mom was worried that Roger and Kim would be angry at me for leaving, and I guess they don't really understand how professional engagements work.  You basically go wherever the spirit takes you and do what the universe instructs.  The cool thing, is that I haven't technically been offered a fellowship, because I'm currently enrolled.  I'm going as a full-time sub, which gives me a lot more flexibility after-I can choose to stay (re-audition anyway) or come back to Boston.  I'm frankly terrified at having made such a decision, but neither Roger nor Kim were too concerned, and that's a good thing.  They seemed totally fine with my decision, and the work I've been doing for Kim is not deeply personal.  (She's also going on sabbatical next semester, and she'll spend 6 weeks+ abroad).

There are definite consequences though-I've just reconnected with lots of old friends, and made some good new ones, and now I'm leaving.  I've finally made some good contemporary contacts and Boston, and once again, I'm leaving.  I'm doing my outreach fellowship concerts this week, and that's really picking up well-the whole electric viola/improv stuff is going very well!  I've finally settled into life here, and now I'm leaving.  But it serves me right in many ways.  I've known that I have flexibility in schedule  and finances that few other people have. I'm not getting married any time soon, I don't have tons and tons of loans, and I don't have any real regional ties.  I'm a free agent, and this is what the universe has thrown me.  I've chosen to catch, rather than watch it fly by, and for now, that seems like a good choice.

(As a side note, I notice that NWS has a few slightly silly questions on their website, all of which I have begun putting time into thinking about, even if I don't end up on the website.
Musical Heroes: David Bowie, Kim K., Karen Tuttle, John Lennon, (Sufjan!)
Recently Played: Grizzly Bear, Sufjan, Radiohead, Arcade Fire, Deerhunter
Favorite Piece of Music: Ooh...that's tough.  Avante-garde?  Or old fav like Daphnis?
Interests: improv, children's books, yoga, baking, shoes, loose-leaf tea.
If I were not a musician, I'd be: a merchanise seller for bands.)

Sufjan Success!

So I went to see Sufjan Stevens on Thursday, and I quite frankly didn't know what to expect.  Depressing banjo music or poppy dancers and sparkles?  Would there be autotune or a carefully selected 10 pitch range?  Music about cancer and depressing midwestern serial killers or songs about love?  Try all of the above.  As he said in the concert, "this is sort of like multiple personality disorder.  Hippy love songs here, autotune there, a little Gaga and a little tron.  But it's all me."  And wow, was it all over the place.  But those were neat and fabulous places nonetheless.  He opened with "Seven Swans" solo with banjo, and then suddenly, the rest of the band joined in with crazy costumes with glow in the dark tape, and they rocked out hardcore.  The rest of the show was mostly new tracks from "The Age of Adz." which I owned, and sort of liked, but by the end of the show, I was in love.  His performance was so convincing and so heartfelt that it made me understand and appreciate his music even more.  I realized that he's kind of a nut, but that everything in his songs comes from personal experience or some profound way of relating to others' experiences.  I've always been compelled by the personal element of his music-his songs tend to be a bit depressing, and his voice, I admit, a tad whiney, but often the underly beauty manifests itself in such a tragic way, as to reflect the great challenges of humanity.  (Besides, what other artist would end a 2 hour + set with John Wayne Gacy, from Illinoise?  Seriously?  As to say, we all have dark secrets inside...)  Enigmatic, mysterious, and don't forget dreamy!  (Google him if in doubt).  He autotuned, he danced, he wore wings, and it was amazing.  Besides, it was sort of funny since there were so many people there who clearly just wanted to hear some depressing banjo jams, and they were out of luck.  It was instead a huge combination of styles and processes, as to say "hey!  I can do more than just be sad.  I can be crazy and colorful and funny and deep and reflective and wear silver hazmats on stage and flashing lites like kanye."  Just like the rest of us.

A Different Value System

It's my yogic birthday, or at least it was last week, meaning that it's been three years since my first class with David Vendetti at Back Bay Yoga in Boston.  Lots of things have changed since then-I no longer crave hot yoga to prove that I've worked hard in yoga, my hamstrings and hips are more open, and my back craves yoga all of the time.  In the last three years, I've bruised my coccyx, thrown out my low back carrying a lounge chair, had a bike accident and subsequently messed up my right knee, and developed left hand tendonitis.  My yoga practice has shifted dramatically since that first class.

I remember being a yoga junkie, but more because I liked the pain, the hard work, the sweat- of a forrest class.  I knew even then, that vinyasa was a subtle art, of flexibility and strength, but I preferred what I knew best-strength.  Since then, I've lost and slowly regained the strength in my upper body, as well as learning to appreciate the slowness of a non-forrest class.  I remember, in that first year, wanting to feel the burn, the quest for strength and sweat.  Then, I moved to Rochester, in which the culture was an extreme opposite-of middle aged women and men trying to relieve pain and injuries.  I took Iyengar style class for part of my first year (boy was that slow and thoughtful-complete opposite of forrest) and then I took Anusura class until I developed tendonitis.  For me, anusura was a lovely fusion of vinyasa and conscientious anatomy-we still worked hard ( although we could've worked a teensy bit more sometimes!) and I learned to love the length, the elongation, the focus on how it feels, rather than how many fancy poses I could do.  I felt comfortable, welcome, and totally within my skills as a slightly injured person.  My teachers knew about my occasional aches and pains, and were committed to helping me find strength and success.  And then, I moved again.

I now am navigating the tricky path of not living particularly close to the studio I like, while also not having enough time to go often.  It definitely makes me pine for the boredom and temporal spaciousness of Eastman.  Partly out of curiosity, and partly because I missed the right bus to SoBoYo, I went to a class at Back Bay Yoga's newer studio space, which I believe is in the old lululemon space on Boylston. It's a beautiful studio, with lovely murals and detailing and all of that, but a definite contrast to South Boston's vibe and decor.  My class was ok-it was very wrist intensive, and I was reminded at how differently I practice now.  I understand the appeal of the heated room and all, but I practice so much slower now.  With my injuries, I practice more mindfully, at least for me.  I am careful in all of my backbends, careful not to hyperextend my joints in downdog, careful to pad my knees in deep lunges.  I watched as women in beautiful new lululemon tanks and shpants/shorts slingshotted through their backbends and sun salutations, gracefully, but not necessarily focused on anatomy. I, on the other hand, wore my old clothing with pride, and took my time in everything.  When instructed to do pushups, I declined and did dolphin pushups.  When everyone else did handstand jumps, I hung out in dolphin pose.  The teacher was very understanding-I think she trusted my judgment enough.  But I got a funny vibe from some of the people in the class, as though my slowness was a lack of fitness or energy.  Hardly-I had just come from acupuncture.

I treat yoga so differently now-as an opportunity to lengthen, to take a step back from music, and to consciously focus on the way that I'm using my body.  To breathe, to stretch, to extend, to rest.  I can go running if I need adrenaline-yoga is the place for space, not the place to do tons of sun salutations.  I don't have the nicest or newest yoga clothes, and I don't really care about it.  I can't do arm balances or hand stand, and I don't care.  Because yoga is something so different for me than what it is to others, and it's my time for me.  My limitations are frustrating, but a simple fact of life, and something to work with, rather than work against.  It's my me time, and no one can take that away from.  (Although I wouldn't mind a nice pair of running leggings from Lululemon, now that I think about it...)

Re-evaluating the circumstances

In a shocking turn of events, I've stopped hating orchestra, or at least, orchestra isn't the worst experience on earth, like it used to be.  After my illustriously tragic experiences at Eastman (Neil Varon?), I was totally and utterly put off by orchestra careers, and orchestra in general.  Between some challenging chairs, lazy people, and a cruel tyrant of a conductor, I was totally put off from doing anything orchestrally.  Before that, at NEC, experiences had been mixed at best, and never anything that I wanted to sign up for in a long term manner.  I basically didn't have any major positive ensemble experiences since high school, and my former enthusiasm for ensemble expired somewhere mid-undergrad.  I'm not really sure what happened exactly.  Somewhere down the line, I just stopped caring.  I didn't really think I had the patience for all the damn auditioning (I still don't think I do) and I didn't think I could have the same job for decades.  I was disheartened by the lack of enthusiasm that many orchestral musicians have for their work, and I was worried that I might lose my love of music.  These ideas still stand-I'm still not looking forward to auditioning, and I'm still not entirely excited by the moral and ethical situation of auditioning for jobs.  But, I don't hate orchestra right now.

Since I've moved back to Boston, I've finally worked with decent conductors, who are both artists and strong educators, and program a wide range of repertoire.  I've been playing with musicians who learn their parts and give it their all, if not all the time, then at least some of the time, which is a vast improvement from my previous orchestral experiences.  I've avoided orchestra for so long, because I've had such negative experiences, both with suspect repertoire,  (Scheherazade x 4?)  But I'm actually enjoying the ensemble experience, between working with good people, playing decent rep, and not doing too much Brahms.  (German romanticism is a separate issue-I still have a limited tolerance for that.)  I've also realized that while I love contemporary music most of all, I can still do that if I did an orchestral program of some sorts.  Tanglewood has a huge contemporary festival.  Spoleto is doing an opera by Sariaaho, which is super awesome.  If I only focus on contemporary stuff, I might limit my connections, my experiences, etc.  I haven't been able to audition for just anything since I've been stuck in the far north of the US, but now it's time to diversify.  Try different things.  Audition for something that's not-Canadian.

That doesn't mean I'll be taking the BSO audition anytime soon, or preparing for the multi-year professional audition track.  It just means that I'm shifting my priorities, expanding my options, and no longer hating on the orchestra experience.  last week, I saw the BSO play Adams' Dr. Atomic Symphonic and the "Miraculous Mandarin" by Bartok, and I was so dismayed to see so many members of the orchestra totally unenthusiastic about the music, miscounting, or just phoning it in.  What makes these musicians believe that contemporary music is something to half-ass?  Or that Bartok simply isn't fun?  I can still prefer a certain kind of music at the end of the day, but do a good job playing multiple kinds of music.  I've never thought about making the system work for me, or for creating opportunities for myself.  If I was in an orchestra, I could create a contemporary ensemble in the group, or write my own outreach scripts doing crazy stuff, or do a combination of the things I love.  Orchestra doesn't have to be a prison sentence, and I might actually enjoy it sometimes.  So I'm making a first step and applying for some orchestral festivals.  That's all I can handle now, especially after October, in which I was in three orchestral cycles simultaneously.

*On the bright side, I'm playing with a kirtan singer tomorrow night, and I'm working on a contemporary piece for viola, percussion, and piano for Steve Drury.  (So orchestra is good, but I can still do all the things I like too.  It just means that my room is a bit untidy.)

Where Have I been?

Where have I been, you may be asking. Well, let me tell you what's been shaking:
October was crazy, to put it mildly. To be put in three orchestral cycles simultaneously, all why trying to play the Debussy quartet somewhat in tune, and occasionally practicing my own repertoire...just didn't work out all that well. On the optimistic side, I could say, "Hey!  At least you're playing with people and making a miniscule amount of money to be playing your instrument."  Yes, this is true.  And I am somewhat grateful for that.  But in the more blunt side of things, it means that I'm overextended, and that yes, there are still boxes in my room that haven't been unpacked.  And there are pictures that haven't been hung on the walls.  And I only can go to yoga once a week, in terms of time and schedule management.  It's kind of unfortunate, and I'm working on that.  It definitely makes me appreciate my limited time in Rochester, in which there simply wasn't enough to do, in comparison to here, where there's just too much to do.  It's a tricky balance, I suppose, and I'm definitely not balanced.  I have, however, been doing some running, with a medium amount of knee discomfort, and I don't suck at running as much as I used to, which is pretty darn exciting.  I bought some of those silly "Five Fingers" shoes, which were really helping with my knee issues, but now it's acting up again, and I'm not sure what to do except not run as much and make an acupuncture appointment.  We'll see.
I'm also a little overwhelmed in working to make Kim's concert series a success.  The way it is now, I'm having to answer to tons of different people in order to get anything done, and it mostly doesn't accomplish anything.  With that in mind, I'm starting to rely on other people less and less, and I'm trying to eliminate the weaker aspects of this partnership.  I think, at the end of the day, I just hate doing "group" projects when everyone isn't equally committed to getting things done.  I've always been a bit of a lone ranger-between the whole music thing, the single thing, the tennis/yoga/running, and my earlier-in-life-lack-of-friends, I've always just preferred going it alone, i.e. getting things done on my own, and telling someone else what needs to get done.  I don't mind team projects in principal, it's just that people often suck at taking initiative, doing what you agree needs to get done, or trusting in your contributions.  With that said, I've made some awesome progress with this whole "Music For Food For Music" endeavor, and I'm learning the ropes at wordpress to make our own website musicfoodmusic.com  (It won't show up yet-it's still adjusting to it's new domain!)  It's not fancy, I don't love the fonts, and I'm not paying for the subscription with the fancy CSS stuff yet, until I have someone who can help me, but it has all of the information on it, and I'm getting the gist of what I'm doing.  And most of all, it's useful to my life and career, but it's teaching me website design on a very basic level.  So ha.  Take that, world!

On an optimistic end, I'm playing some cool repertoire now, if I get around to practicing, and I'm feeling like I don't totally suck at the viola, which is awesome.  I'm also looking forward to playing with a Kirtan singer in Boston.

Bring back the viewmaster!

There were some amazing quotes the other day from Glee.


"I don't like people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style... I see God every time I make out with a chick."

"Sorry, if I wanted to sing about Jesus, I'd go to church.  And the reason I don't go to church is because they don't think very much about gay people.  Or women.  Or science."

They just sort of made my day when I saw the episode last week.  It of course was touching on a much bigger issue about spirituality, and accepting different people's views, in a mostly protestant/Christian country.  There were a couple other good lines, like when the Principal said "Sue, children should be allowed to profess whatever faith they choose." And the coach, Sue said, "At the BET awards, but not in a public school."  That also made me chuckle.

On a less related note, sometimes I'd like to get rid of my computer, and unpack an early 90's green screen mac or a typewriter, and do all of my press and communication that way.  And I'd like to distribute photos as slides to be put in one a slide machine, or as those little pictures in a viewmaster.  (Which I loved, by the way.)  Or even better, on of those projectors we had in the pre-VHS era that probably had something to do with discussing puberty in a terribly awkward cartoon way.  I definitely remember an awkward screen thing with a giant reel-to-reel of female parts in a cartoonish display of eggs and sperm, all advertising "always" sanitary napkins.

Also, love this hysterical review of the Dirty Projectors.

Youtube Orchestra Returns?!

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but the YouTube Orchestra Returns.  Here are some of the salient points about the issue, from a slightly cynical viewpoint.
I have to agree with some of the author's points-global changes?  International diplomacy, my ass!  It definitely got some amateurs amazing opportunities, but I don't think it changed the world.  On one had, it's great to bring people together who are not professional musicians, but it seems like it's at a high enough level that people are very experienced, and I don't know if it's successful in its aims.  I may still apply though-Australia definitely has its appeal.

Come out, come out, wherever you are?

Today is nat'l coming out, and seeing that I never have time these days to do much of anything, I thought it would be a nice time to offer solidarity for those who suffer for their sexual orientation, whether privately, spiritually, or publicly.  I am so fortunate to be surrounded by mostly open-minded people who think no less of a person no matter their gender preference, and I'm lucky that I was born into a family that shared that view.  (In other words, a pack of liberals).  So many people suffer for their sexual orientation, and today is just another opportunity to honor all people, remember those who have unfortunately died, and hope that we can all change the culture that we live in to allow all people to feel safe and empowered.  In a very jucispeak moment, I read this letter from a decade ago towards homosexuality, and I thought it was rather lovely.  My interest in Mormon gender and sexuality politics is unusual, to say the least, for a non-Christian semi-Buddhist, but this goes beyond Mormonism and into all spiritual practices which condemn homosexuality.
Here are some of my favorite paragraph:

As the Church "progresses" on this issue, what we are hearing more and more from Priesthood leaders today is the idea that our son is acceptable so long as he practices life-long chastity.  That is, of course, actually called celibacy, and while it's a convenient idea to advance, in practice it is virtually impossible to live.  The distinction between chastity and celibacy seems always to be overlooked by Church leaders.  You may recall that in his somewhat recent newspaper interview in California, President Hinkley compared the plight of homosexuals to that of the single sisters in the Church.  To paraphrase, he said that the Church doesn't ask homosexuals to do anything it doesn't also ask of its other single adult members - to live chaste lives. But this simply isn't true.  As a former bishop I have firsthand experience.  We openly love and support our single brothers and sisters.  We give them important callings - especially with out youth and children.  We urge them to date, to flirt, to get crushes, to fall in love, to marry.  We sponsor Ward and Stake activities and dances to get them together to accomplish this.  We ask them to be chaste - until they find someone to share their life and intimacy with.  We go out of our way to give them something of immeasurable value in the struggle to keep the law of chastity - hope - hope that no matter how difficult this emotional and physical loneliness is, it is temporary.  For those with the least control over their situation, our single sisters, we give special encouragement and hope that they will find love, emotional intimacy and fulfillment in this life - and if not, certainly in the next.
We do not knowingly give homosexuals important callings - especially not with our youth or children who would be at risk of being infected and recruited. We forbid them ever to flirt, to date, to get crushes, to fall in love, to have a legally-recognized monogamous relationship.  The image of a Tri-Stake Gay and Lesbian Gold-and-Green Ball is amusing.  We ask them to be chaste - forever. No hope at all.  The question of sexual intimacy aside - can you imagine having being denied the ability to become attracted to, flirt with, get a crush on, hold hands with, steal a kiss from, or fall in love with you wife?  With all trace of romantic love and emotional intimacy denied you, with what would you fill the void to hold at bay a life of loneliness, emptiness, and despair.


Now, this is not an entirely flawless letter by any means, and I don't agree with all points, but it does add to my belief that all religions, including LDS, have the opportunity for change and growth when conflict arises, and that we all as freethinking individuals have to challenge our social constructs to meet our beliefs and needs.

On that note, I'm so happy for all of my friends, no matter their spiritual background, for being able to be who they are, and for being able to be loved by friends, colleagues, and hopefully their families for who they are.

Wowzers

http://pitchfork.com/news/40295-campaign-to-pay-weezer-10-million-to-break-up/

I knew Weezer was bad, but not this bad!

Woot!

Electric viola has been purchased, as has pedal.  Amp TBD.  But the fun will begin soon!  Yes, it is tacky, but what better way to go?  I'm sure the strings are awful and it will sound dreadful, but with some adjustments, we'll be in business, right?  I've been writing down my musical ideas in a notebook, and I'm excited to begin creating music myself, even if it won't be award winningly brilliant.  It will, however, be much better than this.  I can guarantee it.  It will also be better than this.

Life Crisis and other thoughts

After 6 weeks of being without internet at home, I finally have it.  And it's great.  I feel a little more connected to the world now, and I'm way too tired to write a full-fledged blog post (there's a lot going on in my brain right now, mostly related to the big life questions like:
What do I want in a career?
     How do I get to said career?
Am I doing the things/gigs/workwise that will achieve said career?)
The usual.

On the bright side, I've decided to cash in my refund check (from loans-I have an extra 1500 in loan money since I already have health insurance from the parental units) and buy a condenser mic, amp, and loop pedal.  Why?  Well, I always talk about how I want to play in a band.  And duh, I need a mic for that shit.  More importantly, I'm proposing an outreach project in which I will use mostly extended techniques and contemporary repertoire to build a musical storytime around a personal fav "Where the Wild Things Are."  The premise is that the loop machine will help me to build my own additive music, without needing any other musicians, and that I can more or less improvise an entire score as the narrator reads the story.  Frankly, I'm pumped about it, partially because it gives me a creative musical outlet, which I've been deeply lacking.  (Cadenza improvisation just doesn't cut it sometimes)  And, I think it's a good start for my interests.
Oh, and on the silly side, I'm in the orchestra for this new Weezer track.  It's sort of annoying, as songs go, but it means something, and it's something I wouldn't mind doing again.  I occur somewhere around the 2nd minute, after all the silly flutes.

Dirty Projectors rocked my socks off

Oh my god.  So amazing.  Never heard vocal hocket quite like what I heard last night.  The show was just so amazing, between the textures, the super tight musicianship, the amazing communication, and the great space.  (Wilbur Theatre in Boston)  The opening act was Owen Pallett, formally known as Final Fantasy, and he was a solid opener.  He combines much of Andrew Bird's additive looping techniques (he's a singing violinist) but he's more experimental in his songwriting and textures, and also plays with a multi-instrumentalist.  (He doesn't regularly whistle in his songs either.)  DP consist of six people (three amazing female vocalists, always in spectacular harmonies), including Dave Longstreth, songwriter and lead singer. I enjoy their music, but in a live setting, things came across that suffer in an album format.  Their vitality and spontaneity was amazing, and you could tell that they were responding to each other's music. It was the bee's knees.

Bits and Pieces

I haven't been able to update the ol' blog since I, um, don't have internet at my house.  Yup.  But anyway, here are the details of what's been shaking:
1) Moved into my apartment, more or less.  Things are still lying around the house, but general organization is successful.
2) Started working for kim-teaching her basic computer skills.  (Command-C, scrolling and clicking, those sorts of things.)
3) Have been seeing lots of old friends.
It's been lovely, and I'm excited to be back in the city.  The end.

Words of the day!

Crepuscular vs. Vespertine
Crepuscular refers to the night time creatures, (nocturnal ones too!)
Diurnal refers to creatures like humans-awake by day, asleep by night.
Vespertine is a biological term referring to anything natural (flowering, blooming, prowling) in the twilight.

Those are the words of the day.

Surprise! He's back!

Sufjan Stevens is back!  In full force!  With a full-length EP available online as a download or stream.  I don't know if I'll like it, or if it will be as good as everything else, but I'm definitely going to check it out ASAP, and so should you.  We can never have enough swirling overdramatic orchestration with a nice tender acoustic guitar chorus, right? And hey, it has some connections with Simon and Garfunkel, and I was just thinking that I was overdue for some SnG time.

listening to: School of Seven Bells, Department of Eagles, Arcade Fire, and soon, Sufjan!

On Baking

        I never really baked when I was younger-my mom can be a bit of a control freak, and never deviates from recipes.  I didn't get a chance to truly start cooking and baking until I had my own apartment junior year.  By then, I realized that I wasn't half bad at food preparation, and that I actually enjoyed it.  I used to read recipes every night before I went to bed, and I would think how I could tweak the recipe and make it even better.  My roommates and I made bread almost every week, sometimes more, and I started making a wide array of desserts-cakes, cookies, brownies.  Some things came about better than others, but it was always highly edible and usually pretty tasty.  

       When I became vegan in '07, my philosophy began to shift-I stopped using eggs and butter, and began to think more about what was in the food I was making.  I was baking quite a bit less by then, but I was still cranking out a big cheesecake every now and then, even if I wasn't eating it myself.  I still had roommates, and even better, roommates' boyfriends, who would eat anything and everything I made.  But then I moved into an apartment by myself, and I pretty much stopped baking.  There was no one to feed!  

         I've never really enjoyed baking for myself-I enjoy baking to make others happy, one of my strange altruistic hobbies in life.  I occasionally get a craving for a home baked vegan cookie, but that's a pretty rare occasion.  All the while, I started thinking about baking less, but baking with quality.  I eat mostly organic foods these days, and I try not to eat much, if any refined sugars or nasty flour (bleached and bromated. yuck!)  It's given me a new baking and cooking philosophy-to only make foods that I would actually want to eat.  That means not using weird ass shit to decorate cakes (like that strange Wilton dyed gel) or corn syrup or shortening or whatnot.  I've been following those rules pretty well these past years, and I'm excited to more seriously commit to that practice.  Thus, my baking resolution for the coming year is to make (mostly) organic cakes.  I fortunately discovered a fabulous cookbook "Organic and Chic" (from Sarah Magid, a custom cake maker in NYC) which, despite it's cutesy title, is a nice tome addressing cake decorating and desserts, without gross things.  Baked goods can have some weird ass stuff in them, and I don't think it's necessary.  This cookbook reminds me that cakes can be simple, delicious, and healthful (at least for junk food.) and I'm excited to try making some good cakes.  I've always avoided making cakes, since they're a bit finicky, but I've always admired the cake decorating process, especially with fancy shows like Ace of Cakes and other Food Network shows.  I don't necessarily need to make a 3-d bulldog cake or a replica of the Eiffel Tower, but it would be nice to make a lovely lavender cake with rose frosting.  So that's what I'll be doing this year.  Baking and frosting cakes.

There will always be cooks who can bake standard things better than me-traditional cookies, Woman's day styled cakes (graham cracker bears in a gel and gummy swimming pool), etc, but I'd like to commit my niche to using real food, and leave it at that.  

listening to: the new LCD soundsystem album.  (Seeing them in the end of October! Party it up with Sleigh Bells!)

The Strange Overlaps Between Garp and Toy Story 3

Over the weekend, I finally saw Toy Story 3 at the cheapy theater in my neighborhood for a whopping $2.  Everyone had raved at the plot complexity, the cleverness of the toy references, and how it made them cry.  Strangely, my first reaction was a dismay at our trash system, and how things are thrown out that have no place in a landfill.  The infamous trash scene also reminded me of "The brave Little Toaster" and the animated, singing trash dump scene with the cars being smooshed into little boxes of metal.  I definitely enjoyed the movie, and it was absolutely worth my two dollars, but it almost made me sad about how much trash is in the landfill and how much we consume as people.   I guess there's always a little Wall-E residue in a pixar movie, and that was what I got from it at first.  Of course, there's a wonderful point about recycling your toys, even though one might want to keep things forever, there's more value in sharing, recycling, and reusing other's things, which I also like.  But the real clincher for me, was when Andy had packed up his room, and his mother started crying, and said "I just wish I could be with you forever."  Weird, how that got me the most, right?

I've just been rereading John Irving's famous epic 'The World According to Garp,' which is an interesting story about a man, his writing career, and his relationship with his mom and his children.  One of Garp's main paranoia's is towards his children-he runs after cars on the street to tell them to slow down, he rescues one of his sons from a sleepover with a sketchy mom, and he constantly fears for his children's lives.  Sadly, (or ironically) one of his sons dies in a mostly preventable car accident, and the other son loses an eye.  He is so caught up in his fears that he never looks at his own actions as causing danger for the kids, and he instead worries about the unknown, the "under toad" as it is referred to.  I can definitely identify with this fear and anxiety, as I'm often worried that my parents will have an accident or something like that.  As an only child, my parents are my only real family.  I'm not close with aunts or uncles or cousins, which has always slightly worried me, since my parents' eventual death will leave me alone in the world.  Garp's fears as a father are my fears as a child, and are Andy's mother's fears.  We can't control what happens in other's lives; we can't protect them forever, and we can't really tell them what to do.  I'm so happy that my parents have become much more healthy than they used to be-each of them has lost a significant amount of weight, and they eat a heavily raw plant and semi-vegan diet, which excites me, even though they would never call it by that label.  I still worry about them sometimes, but I know I need to let things unfold.  They can't be with me forever, and I can't be with them forever.  It's more about being present in the moments that you do have together, and letting people know you care.  That's the best I can do, at least.

listening to: the new arcade fire album

Hobbied Coincidences

In the last few weeks, I've had a variety of strange coincidences related to people inquiring about the nature of my viola case.  This should not be particularly strange, except for the fact that I've played my instrument for 17 years and only gotten asked about it a few times in life.  To have 4-5 inquiries in the last two weeks is actually pretty strange, if not slightly encouraging.  Yesterday was inquiry no. 5, at a Trader Joe's, in which a clerk told me that his son has just started cello lessons, and loves it. I previously have had a Whole Foods clerk compliment me on pursuing arts as a career, since "the world so desperately needs the creative medium and the history of great creative minds before us."  This was especially encouraging as the man relayed that he was an immigrant from El Salvador, and that he wished that every child could have an education and opportunity to pursue the arts, like in Venezuela.  I had a woman in Sephora ask me slightly dumb but endearing questions about my viola as she reeled off the new Benefit line of products, and the man at Sur La Table helped me with an espresso sample as I explained my vocation.  Maybe Californians are just more curious, or my newish Bam case just draws more attention than it used to.  Maybe it's me-at the beach in Santa Barbara, a mother and her children (from Switzerland) asked me if I played the violin or the viola, since she recognized the trademark instrument induced hickey.  She asked what my particular career goals were and where I had attended university, which I appreciated.  It seems strange to have had so many related experiences in a short amount of time, but it encourages me of the value of art in society.  People are curious about musicians, artistis, creatives, and we have a responsibility to tell these people about what we do and why it's important.  There are so many meaningful careers these days-nursing, medicine, education, but the arts are something else, and I can't always articulate why art is meaningful, but I do, in my innermost being, believe that it has value in the human experience, and that is why I play.

Inception-In which Cillian Murphy has a bag over his head, once again.

So I finally got around to seeing Inception yesterday, and let me say that it truly exceeded my expectations as a thriller and ultimately, a mindfuck.  Within the first 9 minutes, you are thrown into a crazy world in which you have no idea what's going on, and things aren't being explained.  You just have to observe (and drool over Joseph Gordon Levitt) and hope that everything illuminates itself accordingly.  It's basically your traditional heist movie (drugs, robbery, that sort of thing) but much more interesting and complex.  It's thought robbery, or more specifically, thought placement.

More important, there's no bond girls here, which is a major plus, for ladies watching it, and no gratuitous violence.  This is a cerebral action movie.  There's lots of anonymous shooting, but very limited blood and gore, and the deaths are of dream projections, not real people.  

As a side note, I am absolutely fascinated by Leonardo DiCaprio's transformation, as an actor and a person, from a scrawny teen heart throb to a round faced, goatee donning suspense/thriller actor of high quality.  Who knew?  I can never get enough of Joseph Gordon Levitt, so that was a major plus, and I love Ellen Page and her sassy, smart characters, not to mention Cillian Murphy, who seems to always have a bag over his head in Nolan's movies.  WIthout giving much of the plot away, the movie was definitely male dominated, and Page's character wasn't a particularly violent one, but she was the architect of the realities that the characters occupied, and in control of much of the action.  She was an emotional sensor, and was able to understand DiCaprio in ways that his coworkers couldn't, and helped him to deal with the death of his wife (Played by a fierce Marion Cotillard).  

This is an awesome movie when it comes to drama, suspense, and simply not knowing what the heck is happening, and it made me happy to see the leading ladies (Marion Cotillard including) in non-Bond girl style approaches.  While I give props to Angelina Jolie for consistently kicking ass in action movies everywhere (usually scantily clad, as well), I appreciate the depth and contemplativeness of these two female characters, and the lack of dumb sex scenes and excess cleavage.  Both of these actresses are beautiful, in a slightly untraditional way, and this film allowed them to be so without compromising the integrity or intensity of the plot.  I suppose it is the first action movie I've seen in which there is no dumb Romance element to it?  Way to go, Christopher Nolan.

  

Not to mention the perception of reality, and questioning the perception of perception.  That's deep right stuff for an action movie.  Either way, I definitely want to see it again, and not just for Gordon-Levitt.

Satorial Bargain Hunter

As of Late, I have become a snob.  A fashion snob.  A fashion sale snob, to be exact.  I will only buy things if they're cheap, but not shoddily made.  In essence, I have become the urban outfitters sale stalker, scouring stores all over the country for sale items, and often, succeeding.  I bought these three purchases at the UO in Ventura, for a total of 6o odd dollars, with tax.  That comes to, three pairs of shoes and a sweet purse/messenger bag thing.  And now, I have jazzy Janelle Morae shoes, for a cheap, non-leather, price.  (I also bought these sweet neon yellow converse for 20 at an outlet mall a few weeks ago.)  So I'm proud of myself for my shrewd shopping, and now that I'm officially in LA proper, I'm ready to bounty hunt me some deals.

Conversation of the day: (while in Solvang, CA, and Danish settlement which has become very touristy and not particularly authentic)

Father: Name some famous Danes.

Me: Blue Cheese and Hamlet

Father: What about Carl Nielsen?  I don't think Hamlet was real.

Me: Blue cheese is more legitimate than Hamlet?  

"Prop 8 Wasn't Just Un-Constitutional, but It was Uncalifornian."

I love that quote.  It pretty much summarizes why prop 8 was stupid.  One of my friends from Minnesota was asking me today why Prop 8 was such a big deal, since it was only one state's decision on this matter, and not the whole country's.  I couldn't really tell her why, except that it was stupid to have that many conservatives in California.  Granted, the governator is Republican, but he said today "For the hundreds of thousands of Californians in gay and lesbian households who are managing their day-to-day lives, this decision affirms the full legal protections and safeguards I believe everyone deserves." Yeah! You tell them, Mr Freeze!
The Mayor of LA said today "Today, the sun is shining is little brighter on the Golden State, because by overturning Prop 8, a federal judge has affirmed what a majority of Californians know to be true: love doesn't discriminate." Boo yah!
The real verdict from the Judge is:
"...because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis, the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional."
I know that we Californians love our state, love our liberalism and our granola and our colorful movie star celebrities, and we embrace famous gay and lesbians (mostly).  We are not a perfect state-we definitely have our flaws (education system! public transit in socal!) but damn, when Prop 8 passed in 2008, I wasn't expecting it.  So it's fitting that it has been overturned.  On the flip side, it's most troubling that Obama is not in favor of gay marriage, and it troubles me to think of the decision in the future on the matter.  There's so much to read about this particular issue, and so many facets, but I do hope that we can stay out of other people's business, and let some folks get married and have legal rights.
so we'll see.


on the flip side, today (8/5) is Andy Warhol's birthday! A very fabulous gay man indeed, if ever there was one.

Age, and Realizing That Age is Nothing But a Number

Ok, so lot's of people have said profoundly brilliant things about age and temporal relativity.  We've all heard those sayings...
age is relative
age is for cheese
the best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles
nothing comes automatically with age but wrinkles
age is an issue of mind over matter. if you don't mind it doesn't matter.
do not regret growing older-it is a privilege denied to many.
etc. etc.

But at the end of the day, I have this internal timeline for myself that I probably constructed when I was 17.  I had an idea of what I would achieve by 23 (soon to be 24) and many of those plans haven't quite happened, either because of lack of interest, or just a reevaluation of priorities.  I'm no longer fascinated by orchestra the way I was when I was 18, nor have I attended many orchestral summer festivals.  I haven't really taken a professional orchestra job audition, nor do I really aspire to do so.  Going to this rinky dink festival in California has made me get over myself a little bit, because I feel like such a beach fossil compared to some of these kiddies.
In addition to a master life plan for myself, I judge people by their age.  I know, it's perhaps a little shocking, even for me, to admit, but I sometimes have a difficult time taking 18 and 19 year olds seriously.  I have always erred on the side of being old beyond of my age, which often makes communicating with younger people more difficult, and makes me guarded and uppity at times.  This festival has reminded me that now, as an elder in the field of perpetual education, I can't pull that card.  Six or seven years isn't that much of a difference in the end, and these people will most likely end up being my professional colleagues.  Am I going to look down on someone who wins a job at 30 when I'm  40?  Maybe, but the better approach would be to evaluate based on their personality first, rather than age alone.  I'm quick to dismiss young'uns, and while they are still prone to making stupid mistakes from time to time, it would do me some good to take them a bit more seriously.  Everyone moves at their one pace in maturity, so I may be rejecting a friendship with a young wise person.  (Although I still prefer my friends to be born in the 80's.  It's just less unsettling that way.)  I have to remember that many of my own friends are older than me, and were willing to part with their conceived expectations of age and maturity to befriend me.  Now it's my turn to grow up, and be open to all peoples, regardless of their age.  That's not to say that I'm going to go be everyone's friend, it just means that I want to evaluate people on one less level of bias than I already do.  Judging is inevitable, but peeling off the age-ism card is a good one to toss.

On the bright side, I'm thrilled that California has overturned prop 8 and that I'm in the state just as we speak.  

listening to: a little of everything! Looking forward to a trip to Amoeba records in Hollywood next week-a great chance to get lots of used cd's for cheap.

The Concert Lineup for fall 2010!

I know that most of my friends that occasionally read this are not Bostonian in nature, but I'm posting my confirmed and possible concerts for the fall, since I'm planning ahead, and would like people to go with me to shows!  So here's what's coming to Boston in the early fall of 2010:

(Rochester 8/28-My Morning Jacket is coming, and I haven't decided whether or not I'm interested in going.  Food for thought.  Also, Lady Gaga is already booked to come to Boston in March of 2011.  That's so far in the future, I can't handle it, just like her futuristic clothing?)

9/7-Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin and Telekinesis.  Two underappreciated indie bands, and Telekinesis had that awesome song last year and a decent album.  Even though it's a Tuesday, could be worth investigating?

9/11-School of Seven Bells: I really like their new album. They have a nice female voice texture.

9/11-Jamie Lidell.  Soulful white people singing.  Love it.  And he's British?

9/12-Vampire Weekend, with Beach House opening, at the Bank of America pavilion on the waterfront.  *I'm definitely going to this.  I've purchased two tickets.

9/13-Dirty Projectors with Owen Pallett (aka. final fantasy) opening.  *Definitely going.  Tickets purchased, even though it will be back to back tunes.

9/16: Janelle Morae with Of Montreal.  That's a hot duo-there will be glitter, spandex, and lots of eyeliner and dancing.  I saw Of Montreal three years ago, and it was terrific, and Morae has got some serious style.  She makes me want to go to a vintage store immediately and embrace androgyny.  Who knew women could look so awesome in tuxes???

9/17: Broken Social Scene and The Sea and Cake.  BSS dropped a really solid album this year "Forgiveness Rock Record" which has turned out to be a surprise success.  

9/18: Pavement-ultimate 90's alternative band, making a comeback tour.  and Cake! on the same night, just not together.  I will probably be out of town for this, as I accidentally bought tickets to see Vampire Weekend at Radio City Music Hall for 9/17...

9/22: Field Music. I don't know them super well-I've heard a few tracks, and they just dropped a new album, but it's cheap and could be worth investigating.

9/23: Stars. This Montreal based pop group tends to have overly dramatic ballads, a la "Your ex-boyfriend is dead" from the O.C.  I'm kind of over them, but many people are turned to silly putty with their swirling harmonies.  I definitely listened to this song a gazillion times when I bought this album.

9/25: Teenage Fanclub.  Nick Hornby's favorite softy British band has some lovely songs.  They're super  under the radar, but quite nice actually.

9/30: Menomena.  I used to be into them, but I haven't listened to them lately.

10/1: Young at Heart Chorus.  This is the group that was featured in a documentary a few years ago-old folks singing hip contemporary tunes, a la Glee for old folks!

10/1: Ra Ra Riot-upstate New York's stringey band is one of my personal fav's, and they have a new album coming out stat.  I loved the first album, since I'm a sucker for a little ballad action sometimes.

10/5: Ratatat. We all remember Kid Cudi's collab with Ratatat and MGMT, right? "Pursuit of Happyness" is a tight song. Just checking

10/7: Cotton Jones featuring Pepper Rabbit.  I only know Pepper Rabbit-but Cotton Jones has a sort of soulful thing going on. (The opening to this Pepper Rabbit reminds me of the opening of an Elliottt Smith song.)

10/10-The Octopus Project.  Once again, curious, but not necessarily committed.

10/13-Casiotone for the Painfully Alone.  I'm curious, but not necessarily going. They have a fabulously depressing collection of music videos.

10/29-Frightened Rabbit and Plants and Animals.  I really liked the first Plants and Animals album.

11/1-Blonde Redhead.  I went through a dark depressing time where I listened to a lot of Blonde Redhead.

And last, but not least,

11/19-Boys II Men.  Ok, I'm not going, nor am I planning to.  I just thought it was excellent, and it made me want to slow dance at a middle school dance.

That's the preliminary concert calendar for popular music-more posted as I decide what to go to.

In other news, I'm embarrassed to say that I've been watching Glee, and that it sometimes makes me cry because it's so sappy.  

Romantic Violin Showpieces Reduce My Life Expectancy

Did you know that any excess of romantic violin showpieces reduces life expectancy and hearing longevity by years?  The damage can occur within minutes-guard yourself against an excess of Wieniawski, Paganini, and Kreisler, or you too may become lackadaisical or even worse, deaf to the point of only hearing harmonic double stops and coloratura runs executed with mechanical precision.  This is a cause that few align themselves with, but a serious disease nonetheless.  Raise awareness within your community, and promote substantial nutritionally fortified music over refined artificially sweetened melodies, or lack thereof.


More importantly, I am hurt that violinists and occasionally pianists have more music than anyone else, yet they choose to play obscure fluffernutter from the Romantic era.  How have we decided that we should all play everything Romantically?  What a dumb idea.  I feel like our responsibility, as trained musicians, is learning about all the different styles of the different periods.  That doesn't have to mean (but may) that you play Beethoven on a pianoforte, or that you whip out the heckelphone every now and again for some obscure Hindemith.  But more seriously, it's about the style, the time, and how you can reproduce that sound now, whether on a modern or traditional instrument.  It's not just violins-it's excerpts, it's this convoluted idea of "modern performance practice" that's been the standard since the overdramatic 40's and 50's in which wobbly vibrato and Romanticism made everyone swoon.  Well I'm not swooning anymore, boys and girls, and it's time to play Mozart correctly.  A bit light, less vibrato, more resonance, and sure as hell not martele.  Beethoven 5 is not synonymous with violence, so let's try to avoid that in the fortissimos, ok?  Debussy and Ravel-more air, sweep, more bow.  Some might say I'm a snob.  I'm a stylistic purist.  We live in a time where knowledge is abundant.  Why not use that?  When I hear a really great performance, in which someone plays the Ravel sonata differently from their Bach and their Lutoslawski, I'm pretty excited.  To play everything the same is boring, and I don't think it's interesting for anyone.  If only we could get that sort of viewpoint about excerpts and auditions, we'd all be a bit happier.  But at least for today, I'd be a bit happier if I could hear less Romantic showpieces, more substance, and less slurpee music-sickly sweet, and only good for the first swig.


listening to: Takemitsu "A string around autumn"