For the New School Year

Sigh. The last real day before classes...Coincidentally, my birthday always has a bittersweet arrival, because it signals the end of summer, the commencement of a new time, the end of dripping moist possibilities and instead the thin crackly veneer of icy hope and aspiration. For this school year, I have a couple of expectations, hopes, and demands. (Yes, demands!) I want this to actually be an ok year, and I'd like to feel like I got something out of my two years here, so here are my plans.

1) To be well, physically. I'd really like to avoid any recurrence of last year's tendonitis, at all costs. I vow to take care of myself physically, and do everything in my power to avoid reinjury, aid strengthening, and target my physical issues.

2) To be happy, and if the conditions at school do not encourage immediate joy, then I need to work at it. Conditions are already present for happiness, I just have to acknowledge them.

3) To be social, when appropriate. I had a few moments of selective hibernation, and I'd like to be socially pro-active, when possible.

4) To learn the most about teaching and work the hardest at becoming a better teacher.

5) To learn some sweet contemporary music and to get involved with others who are interested in the same.

6) To organize or participate in some outreach performances, whether solo or with piano, chamber group, etc. This is a very direct way to give back with music.

7) To take GOOD classes, or at least decent ones. Last years were a bust.

8) To get back into yoga, when my wrist is functional.

9) To participate in the Blooming Lilac sangha, and find a community of people there that share similar goals and aspirations.

10) To follow the 5 mindfulness trainings as best I can. :)

I'm sure that there are plenty of other things that I should be thinking of, but this seems like a pretty thorough list for now.

September has beaten the crap out of August in terms of temperature, but I'm hoping August will fight back in a week or so. Till then, it's sweater time.

TNH Illness and more

I was perusing blogs and saw the letter from TNH about his illness, which was quite beautifully articulated. You can check it out here: TNH

One of the things that I am hoping for this year is that things will and can be better. I know that I am in charge of my own happiness, and that I should do my best to ensure that I am happy. Coming back to school makes me a bit nervous and frustrated, since I'd rather not be here. At the same time, I'm really glad that I don't have to relive last year again- I don't have to audition for ensembles, I don't have to take placement tests- everything is actually quite pleasant right now, I'd say. I've had a lot of fun having MJ stay here with me this week, we've had impromptu dance parties and we share all of our meals together, which is really cute. It's been a great way for me to transition back into the possibility of dealing with school and not hating it. My wrist/arm system has been a little sensitive this past week, probably because of the long break that I took (almost 2 weeks!) but I have hope that it will behave itself in a few more days. (Maybe I can get a massage!) I'm also trying to keep optimistic about all of the things in my life-teaching, school, classes, friends...it was so hard when everything fell apart last year, but I feel like that can't happen again, just by the laws of chance and whatnot. So here's to a positive new year at school, and a better year than last.

k

listening to: michael jackson, queen, and jens lekman

Religious Reticence

Let's face it- religion scares me. Not just any religion, but religions with scary implications, like Islam, Christianity, and Scientology, as well as any religious sect that tells its followers what to do precisely. As someone who grew up without any religion or religious background, I've always found Western religions to be somewhat puzzling, frightening, and intimidating. Here's some reasons why:

1) The sight of Jesus on the cross is a bit...well...frightening. There's a lot of suffering conveyed in that image- couldn't Jesus be a little happier? Why does he have to look so awful in every depiction, and why do people have to wear it around their necks? I know Christianity is about suffering, but it's about love too, isn't it?

2) Sunday school has always struck me as odd, even when I was a child and my friends went. It's a bit strange to have children color religious pictures and sing religious songs when they are not entirely aware of what's going on. I just never know what to make of it.

3) If religions are generally about love and care for other people, why do so few people practice that? Let's make a plan to do it, eh?Jesus was into caring, I bet Buddha was, and I imagine prophets didn't mind it as a principle.

4) It's always been hard for me to fathom scriptures where the body of text is fantastical, and yet people take it literally. I remember asking my dad once, 'so people really believe this stuff happened?' Now, I'm a little wiser, and I can see the metaphorical and symbolic beauty of these tales, but still...

Because of this experience with some other religions, I'm reticent to say "I'm a Buddhist." Or, "I just went on a Buddhist retreat." I find myself having to explain what I did or why I respect TNH because I don't want other people to think, "Oh, she's religious." That's a label with a lot of weight in our present day society, and it's not one that I'm ready to bear. I also feel like a sham because I'm not born into this philosophical phenomenon, and I almost feel like I'm stealing 1960's baby boomers' thunder. (Dharma Bums?) I myself have been able to get over this religious bias I have, mostly because I have met some truly wonderful, kind, and loving people of a wide range of religious backgrounds. While I would not necessarily want to subscribe to their religious beliefs, most of them have turned out ok in the long run, so religious-ness does not necessarily equate with "conservative-closed-minded-weirdo" as it does for so many. However, I realize that I am not exactly the norm in this thought process. Am I just a white yuppie from California "exploring" some hippie philosophy, or is it ok if this religious and spiritual tradition happens to resonate with me? I don't have the answers, and I don't know what to think of it.

For now, I'm a closet Buddhist.

Fortune and peace

I received a slightly distressing email from the Thich Nhat Hanh community on Sunday night which made me really appreciate TNH's presence at our retreat.

"During the recent retreat in Stonehill College in Boston, Thay (Thich Nhat Hanh) had a flare-up of a chronic lung infection. Upon medical advice, Thay is currently receiving a full course of antibiotics administered intravenously in the hospital. Fortunately his overall health remains strong. We are all very thankful for that. While Thay would very much like to join us here in Colorado, he regrets that he will not be able to be present. At this time, our full presence and our practice together as a spiritual community is the best way to offer our support to Thay."

It is my understanding that thay will travel directly to california to continue with the public tour after his treatment is complete. please do not worry and do your best to reassure your friends and sangha members that thay is in overall very good health and would like it if we would continue to be mindful and strong.

At the very end of our retreat, Thay did an interesting speech about how we are all connected, and how when someone dies, they do not ever leave this world completely. They leave parts of themselves in their friends, the earth, their community, their children, their books or art- the dead are always here, just in a different form. The way he discussed it made it clear that he was aware of fully comfortable with his own death, and that we, as practitioners, should be prepared for his death as well. Being reminded of this was a good reminder of wisdom and positivity, but also made me really appreciate that he was well enough to share his presence on my retreat.

TNH: Part 1

I wanted to do a series of posts about the things I learned at my retreat last week (or so) ago, so here's part 1 of Thich Nhat Hanh's brilliant insights. These are all distilled from dharma talks that TNH gave during the first days of the retreat.

*The present conditions are sufficient for happiness. We spend so much of our life waiting for a moment to come when we will be happy. "Ugh, I can't wait until I finish school/get married/get divorced/see my family/escape my family/get a job/etc." However, when we think that way, we are entirely ignoring the present moment and living in a time not present, either past or future. "I wish that our date/party/dinner/lesson/retreat/concert had been longer." We have little concept of how wonderful each moment is, and can be within ourselves. Suffering will always exist in our life, but we have a choice whether to indulge it or simply acknowledge it and move on.

*To cultivate happiness, you must leave behind your initial concept of happiness: it may be preventing you from accepting the present moment. If you release your expectations, then the present moment may be quite enjoyable, after all. Mindfulness can help you realize that happiness is here and now. Concentration can also be a source of fulfillment and joy, as well as mindfulness and insight.

*To love is to offer. What do you offer to others and to yourself? To love also means to "be there," to offer your presence. If you are not "there," how can you love or be loved? When mind and body are united, you can truly offer and receive love. When you are present, and you acknowledge another's presence, you are giving love and recognizing their love. Lastly, you can offer understanding. Every person wants and needs to be understood, and many of us thirst for that understanding from others. It's misunderstanding that leads to strife, fighting, and pain.

*One example of terrible misunderstanding is war. Terrorism is when everyone thinks "He's trying to kill me and I should kill him before he kills me!" However, these thoughts are from wrong assumptions, which can only be solved from listening and compassion, not guns and bombs. It's important to acknowledge the suffering of both sides in a war- those who kill must suffer in order to kill, and those who are hurt are often victims of an unpleasant government. Every sequence of events politically can be traced back to various harm from different countries, and everyone is to blame in causing the ills. Bush is not the only one to blame for invading the middle east, and we let him do it. If we tried our best to resist it, then we have done our best. However, everything and everyone is connected, and no one can be truly happy when others suffer so much in the world and one ignores it. (I don't think I explained that one too well!)

*So much of our day to day emotions are neutral or unpleasant, but compared to other moments in our life, should actually be quite pleasant. For example, when you are ill, you suffer so much, and you think, "oh, if only I could be well!" But when you are well, you rarely think, "Hmm, I am grateful for my lack of headache, grumpiness, congestion, etc." Putting our less thrilling moments in this context can make us realize the beauty of all moments.

One of the things I loved so much about the retreat was just getting to see Thay (TNH). He is so calm and deliberate in all of his actions, and it is as though he could never get angry with everyone. He is so aware of everything and everyone, and this comes through just in the way he walks and talks with everyone. Having read a few of his books, it was amazing to see how his ideas really work in a practical sense with monks and nuns and an intentional community of people. It made me realize that I need a sangha of practitioners, of like-minded people who want to make the world a better place through mindfulness, love, and understanding. I feel like I learned so much from my retreat, and I can't wait to join a sangha, go on more retreats, and read more of his works. Everything he says is so practical, yet so powerful. To acknowledge that war, strife, argument, and anger is all a consequence of suffering (both yours and the other side), is momentous. Just in these few highlights, one can see how to live life differently, how to appreciate every moment in a different view, and how to re-evaluate love. To those of you who have read TNH's stuff, I look forward to your insights, and I look forward to growing as a person in the world.

Currently: watching the new season of Flight of the Conchords! Listening to ipod on shuffle. Currently reading TNH's book "buddhist ethics for a new century" or something like that.

What I learned

I had an absolutely fabulous three weeks before returning to the ROC. I went to Orford (AKA. Kim-ford, for those viola attendees), had some time in Boston, and a wonderful mindfulness retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh, and finally some time with MJ and her family on the North Shore. All in all, I would rate it an amazing couple of weeks. I will be giving a bit more information on the fabulousness of Thich Nhat Hanh in the next few days, once I have a computer powercord (accidentally typed power-Chord at first). But let me say this: that he is a profoundly brilliant, peaceful, and loving person, and getting to see him and absorb his way of life has certainly changed me. While I hardly consider myself an amazingly "good" Buddhist, I feel that he makes his teachings understandable and accessible for all practitioners, whether Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, Mormon, or anything. He explains things very clearly and makes concepts simple and applicable to life, while touching on deeper issues with huge consequences. Spending time with Kim (aka. kimmy kashkash) was great, and I'm thrilled to be on sociable terms with her. (I went to dinner with her and her daughter in Boston). While I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to formally study with her, it was wonderful to get so much exposure to her teaching, while also learning a ton about Ligeti and Kurtag. Lastly, Boston and all its inhabitants made life wonderful. I did learn that Boston is not without its flaws- driving and the hunt for parking places are certainly unfortunate, and perhaps my love for Boston is slightly unrealistic. However, I know that the life I had before, and the friends I made there are the most valuable things there, even if it takes me 10 minutes to find a parking place near school.

Listening to: Riceboy sleeps. I am also thrilled to be watching the film '500 days of summer' tonight.

More Musings

I've been having a good time here at Orford, although we certainly have LOTS of viola masterclasses- it almost makes Banff look like a vacation! We've been having 4-6 hours of class a day, which is pretty intense. We all play 3 times during the week, and today I played both Theofanidis and some Ligeti. Tomorrow, we are doing a tag-team style version of the Ligeti sonata- 4 of us will play some movements. Should be interesting, seeing that today was the 2nd time I've ever played "Loop" for Anyone!!!! Obviously, Kim wouldn't have allowed me to play if it really sucked, so that's a redeeming thought. It's also great to be learning these pieces in such depth, since everyone is working on Kurtag or Ligeti, for the most part. I'm also always glad to be sharing the Theofanidis with people who may not be familiar with it, since I really think it's a magical piece. All in all, I'm really learning a lot, although I wish we could stick with 4 hours of class rather than 6...

currently listening to: garth knox's viola spaces!

First Observations of Quebec

Quick musings on my adventures in Quebec:
1) I got lost in Montreal while listening to Feist, Arcade Fire, and Rufus Wainwright. Coincidence? I think not.
2) Everything sounds cooler in French. Signs, greetings in stores, the works. Everything just has such a special ring in French. I should learn french.
3) I went back to the restaurant that I didn't pay at in the fall when I came, and had a delicious lunch of quinoa-black bean burrito deliciousness. It also took me 10 minutes to figure out how to pay for parking at the meter thingey, since I couldn't find the parking space number (despite the fact that I magically found the space in front of the restaurant). This is the view from my car of the restaurant- "La fain du monde" or something like that.

4) Orford is ghetto-fabulous compared to Banff. The rooms are 60's design, with the great color schemes of yellow, orange, and green...love it.

5) I'm possibly more excited to be going to Boston next week than to be here now. Oh well!