Yes for change. No for hate.

I am thrilled to read that congress and Obama have changed the policies on HIV/AIDS travelling internationally. While I am shocked and appalled that such a legislation even existed, I'm glad that I live at a time when there is a movement away from bigotry and towards tolerance. On the other hand, I feel devastated for the people of Uganda, with the possible "Anti-Homosexuality" bill. I had a friend who posted against this on his facebook wall (he's super-Christian) and it made me happy that he could resist his friends' disagreements on the issue. His point was that no matter what you believe about homosexuality, no government should ever have the power to kill people for their sexual lifestyle. My friend hasn't gotten too much backlash for it, but some of the responses have been interesting, things like:

"I don't think governments should ever be that powerful, but I also don't agree with homosexuality. so..."

Otherwise, I'm proud of him for having his views on human rights, no matter his spiritual views.

Women at the Helm

This has been an awesome week for women musicians, at least in the Kayleigh files. On Wednesday, I had the good fortune to see St. Vincent play with Andrew Bird, and it really made my heart clap to see Annie Clark lead a group of boy-men in a band. I think it's somewhat rare to see the "Blondie" model of things, with a female lead singer, but what makes St. Vincent better is that she actually shreds the guitar. No folks, there's no lead guitarist, it's just her. So it's even better than a female led band, because she does two things. And her songs are awesome.

This is an oldie, but a goodie. (Oh, and did I mention that she's gorgeous???? Nothing's more awesome than a beautiful, feminine lady SHREDDING a guitar and having lovely vocals. Seriously. Just check out My Brightest Diamond or Shara Worden).

In the classical realm, I was delighted to see the Pacifica Quartet yesterday, after a very successful year for them, what with the Grammy and whatnot. And it made me super happy to see their first violinist, the only lady in the group, rule. They played Mozart Dissonance Quartet and Janacek's "Intimate Letters" quartet, the latter of which has always been a favorite of mine. It was awesome to see two amazing ladies rule the roost, musically speaking, and it gave me courage that there are women out there fighting the noble battle. Rock on!

Two Weeks Fan Video

Two Weeks - Grizzly Bear from Gabe Askew on Vimeo.

This is a freaking AMAZING music video that just blew my mind completely. It is so beautiful and original, and I appreciate that the video-maker person decided that the couple was a gay couple. The lead singer of Grizzly Bear is openly gay, and it just makes me heart clap that a group can be so successful, despite our world's homophobia.

The Sublime and the tragic

I had a very stressful week, what with the women in charge wielding a heavy hammer at my ego and my soul. (Did I mention that my ego feels needy and weak? Like it should be breast-fed?) However, a few events of presto-change-o quickness got me out of my own little world, at least for two days.

1) Someone from my high school, a year older than me, just died of cancer this past week. It wasn't someone I was close with, but someone I knew- a popular boy who was always MVP for soccer and football and whatnot. His is the second young adult cancer death from my high school, and the third or fourth cancer diagnosis of someone under 23 that I've known. Scary.

2) My pianist extraordinaire, Futaba, made it to the finals of a huge major international competition, Concert Artists Guild! This is an amazing opportunity for her, and I'm so excited for her.

3) I found out that my teacher, Carol, was misdiagnosed for her tendonitis, and actually has a lot more than bone spurs growing in her arm. It is highly likely that she will have to undergo invasive surgery, and needless to say, she's pretty damn upset.

Anyone, I realized that even when I'm really stressed, it helps to realize that there's more than just me. Or at least, if I look outside my situation, it will make my plight look much better. (i.e. carol would kill to be able to play viola right now, and would probably weather any emotional storms to do it.) It's when we dwell so much on ourselves that we can only suffer in solitude that we really do internal damage.

It is never polite to ask someone extensive details about amorous escapades. Period.

In all new and fresh friendships, there comes a time when primal urges must be discussed, not necessarily because they are affecting the friendship, but because girls want to compare dating histories. They want to know who you've been macking with, who you've slept with, who you hate. But what if you have nothing to contribute to this conversation? Well, welcome to my life. For starters, I assume the position that it is never appropriate to prod someone about their love life, unless it naturally flows into the conversation. I take this stance on my complete lack of amorous escapades, and the abundance of awkward questions asked of me by others who do not know better. One thing that women and men don't realize is that not everyone has been loved before. Or even liked. my love life seems to have peaked at the age of four when a 6 year old liked me and tried to kiss me in the kiddie pool. he also took off his swim trunks and showed me his package, so his mental health is suspect. So when people now ask about my love life, I tend to trail off and find a way to get off subject. Here's an example of some of the great questions I have been asked in the last few years that I hate being asked:

"Did you have anyone at NEC, I mean since you haven't had anyone at Eastman?"- No comment

"Why haven't you had any boyfriends? Are you just too busy?" - Ok, this is the type of question that makes me want to scream. First of all, NO ONE HAS LIKED ME in the last 17 years. Seriously. I try to downplay this in normal day-to-day conversation, because no one needs to know this shit. But if you ask a loaded question like this, I am resisting the urge to either cry or hit you hard with your instrument. I am not turning people down, so to speak. I was never asked to a dance in high school, I have never been asked out, I have never been on a date, I have never been liked by a heterosexual male. Period. This is a concept that the serial dater simply can't fathom. And as an afterthought, I have to add that I have been hit on by women, but I simply am completely unattracted to women. I think I have enough bosoms for more than one person, and I have never been attracted to chicks ever. If I could have someone care about me, I would. I am not too fucking busy. It's just how it's been, ok? So don't ask that question.

"Oh, man, I haven't had sex in a year. Being single is so hard."- No comment

See? People can be awful sometimes. Rules for life:

1) never ask someone you only know minimally about their love life. if you know them well, they'll tell you about it. if you don't know them well, they probably don't want to talk about it.

2) don't EVER ask someone why they don't currently have a boyfriend. it's not like you can buy boyfriends at the supermarket next to tampons and soymilk and aluminum free deodorant. it just doesn't work that way, folks.

3) if someone has a boyfriend, that does not give you license to prod them about their relationship unless they volunteer it.

4) if you discover that your conversational buddy does not have a lovelife or a history of amorous escapades, that does not give you license to discuss all of yours in detail.

5) Oh, and never discuss your sex life with someone you're not super close with. It's just awkward and unnecessary.

Maybe I'm a bit sensitive to this subject, but I hate hate hate when people ask me questions along these lines. I hate this whole part of my life, frankly, and I hate having to admit to the world that I've never been fancied. I've been told that I need to change; that I need to dress better, that maybe it's because I have acne or I'm not super thin. But frankly, I don't think it matters. I will never be thin or beautiful, and if that's something that will forever prevent me from being liked, then so be it. It's not my fault that I am who I am, and I don't want to be told otherwise.

Please Don't Mind Me, I'm having a Soundgasm.

We had our first two hour studio class where we did not have scales, and it was a viola-fest! And a soundgasm, I suppose. (That's my specific term to describe musical ecstasy, not to be mixed up with foodgasm). Everyone who played tonight really did well for where they've been in life, and it was great to see such huge progress all around. (Apparently, I did pretty well too, but my self-criticism skills find that hard to believe.) I then went to a bit of an undergrad voice recital and had my mind blown with high notes, and beautiful voice timbre, and well, everything. So, if you see Erin Kirby in a state of confusion and shock, she's having a soundgasm too. (It was just nice to not feel totally inadequate for a change, on my part, at least).

The Art of Practicing

I'm rereading this book that I have owned for a while and read in high school or early college called "The Art of Practicing" by Madeline Bruser. Now that I'm, um, older and wiser, it holds a whole new level of meaning for me, and which is really exciting. I'm looking forward to reading it, since I started last year's Stephenie Meyer book "The Host" and it totally sucks, and there's now way I'm reading 600 pages of that crap. Here are some of the most pertinent lines from the chapters I've reread:

"Countless times students ask,'Do you think I have talent? Do you think I'll be able to play well?' Each person's talent is unique, and some are more gifted than others, but an intense desire to play well indicates that music is already inside the person, pressing toward the surface and needing to come out. Know this and take heart from it as you make your particular journey with music."

Erin, that's for you and ME!

"The performer's job is...to open fully to music, to let it come in, physically and mentally, and to become an unobstructed channel for its transmission for its transmission to other people. We cannot possibly give music to others without first receiving it ourselves. Practicing is the process of receiving what was written."

Well put! What an interesting and more personal interpretation of practicing.

"When musicians develop injuries that interrupt their practicing for months, they get depressed. Cut off from the communion with great music, they feel deprived of an essential food. We forget so easily our NEED to practice. So stop for a minute and think about the chance you have. You never know when you might lose it. Even if nothing ever interrupts your musical life, sooner or later your life will end. Remembering this fact can inspire you to make the most of the time you have."

I certainly understand the injuries thing, and I empathize with Carol immensely. To have so much music in your heart, and to not be able to express it is truly awful. To have the ability to express it, and not realize it is worse.

Currently listening to: recordings of Bach 6 by different people, recordings of myself...

Nuit Blanche

Here are some photos from last weekend's spontaneous
trip to Toronto for Nuit

Blanche- a crazy outdoor art festival that happened from 7 PM to 7 AM! We only made it until 5:30 AM, but it was a load of fun, and was a great way to escape the ROC. The first pic is of me wearing a blanket as a cape at 5 AM in a subway station. One of the art displays featured giving out blankets and hot cocoa to us, as if we were homeless folk. It was interesting and it was cold, so we wanted it!
The second picture is of a firespinner lady. Crazy! The third is of me wearing a box in a box town outside the Metro supermarket, circa 1:30AM.

The waterfall pic is an edited picture of Niagara Falls that we took on the way home on Sunday night.

I love the mural- it was a work in progress and they were painting it as we were there!!!!

The inflatable babies were lining the streets near the art museum. I'm in the foreground, staring at the baby in my hipster apparel.

Anyway, I had a great time, and it sucks to put pictures up on blogger-it's really awkward. But you get the gist...

Under Pressure

I've been wanting to post something for a while, but I simply haven't had time. I mean literally, haven't had time to do much of anything recreational. This was more applicable last week before my rinky dink fall break happened, but the tension is escalating again, and well, it's still relevant. So, if I had to pick ONE song that entirely encapsulated the 2009 fall school year, it would be this song. (Too bad I can't either sing like Freddy or David, nor do I have the same androgynous appeal.)

These last few weeks have been SO intense for me! I feel bad for MJ because I haven't had time to hang out, and I feel like a subpar friend. I've also been neglecting many of my friends, because each day, I struggle to make time for a few hours of practicing, which is a bigger challenge than it should be. I've taken to a whole new "workaholic" style schedule- wake up at 7:15, kicking ass in a practice room with green tea by 8 AM, coming home by 9 something, exercising or going to work at the radio station, returning home, practicing, going to class, practicing, blah, blah, blah, eating odd foods for meals, such as apples and raw cheddar cheese, and subsisting on mass quantities of green tea. I used to never do any work after 9 PM- that was my relaxing time. Now, it's prime productivity time! Anyway, I've been feeling overwhelmed with the craziness, and I've realized it's because all of the "powerful" people in my life are intense women. Carol has been pretty intense lately, even though I'm working harder than I ever have and I'm practicing more. I think it's because she can't play much, and she's living vicariously through me to get me up to her intense standards. Either that, or she's melancholy about the injury and is projecting that frustration on me. Or neither. And then my radio station boss is also a woman, also crazy, and very intense. Sometimes she'll tell me to do things without really explaining what to do, and then I'll ask her a question about it and she'll just FLIP OUT. Like yesterday, she told me I had to save a pair of tickets for Marianne. But I have no idea who the hell that is???? So I didn't fill out a piece of paper right, and she lost it, and then told me that Marianne was the Saturday afternoon opera announcer. Well, I never come in on Saturdays, and I only know the weekday folks! My boss is always stressed out, and sometimes, she just flips out for no reason- I've had some really great one liners like, "Well, clearly, math SUCKS for you, doesn't it?" or the more typical "What ARE you doing there? We can't play Gershwin- it's too modern!" So, that's two folks applying the pressure liberally. And then, uh, orchestra excerpts is a bit too intense, because the woman running it is very blunt, and not very complimentary, so even if you practice a lot, she just goes in for the kill, and gives a half-assed compliment in the beginning, just so you don't feel too insecure. Pressure point #3. And lastly, my dear old teaching job is a little insane because of their intense disorganization, and it doesn't help when the kids start yelling and screaming, not because I've done anything wrong, but because they're not quite with it. Needless to say, I've being assaulted some days, or actually most days. A year ago, I was utterly and completely bored, and had nothing to do. Now I have plenty to do, but I'm so overwhelmed that I'm barely making it through the weeks. balance perhaps? Maybe next time. For now, I'll just have to enjoy that $700 monthly paycheck...

Collective Stupidity

My studio class' collective intelligence drops about 40% when making comments. Here's an example of a typical studio class comment:

You sounded, like, SO, like, good. And like, I think, you're like, the best interpreter of bach, like ever? And I like, didn't really, um, hear it, but I know you're like the best? And Bach is like SO meaningful to you, and that's like amazing. But, uh, yeah, I think you could like have a better sound? It seemed like you, um, weren't in the string much? But, um, yeah, it sounded amazing, and I uh, really enjoyed it.

Apparently, my studio is quite stupid. Who knew?