Eastman Just Redeemed Itself

So my experience at Eastman is being redeemed, slowly. I found out today that I won the annual viola award of sorts, which is great and all, but more importantly has a CASH prize. Not just any cash prize, but $1000. Cha-ching. Wow. (Now, I'm planning on paying off most of the $800 on my credit card with this check, but really, it's the thought that counts. And maybe I'll go shopping for the first time 4.5 months. And buy my new strings.)

To think that a year ago today, I was tragically upset about my loss of the Performer's Certificate? Dude, money means way more to me than a piece of paper. So Eastman, you've proven to me in the last year that nothing makes sense, but in that way, it seems to be favoring me. Take that, stupid orchestra seating! Take that, performer's certificate! Take that, concerto competition with evil unsavory people in it! Take that, TENDONITIS! All of the stupid things I've endured at Eastman are slowly becoming worth it, now that I have a reward for my suffering. Now to just keep it together for the next two weeks: recital, Brandenberg, papers, tests...

Listening to: MGMT. Will be listening to some new records from the libs.

Words of Wisdom from the Trenches

My awesome pianist friend wrote my a very eloquent email last night in response to my blog, and I thought, since it's a hot topic, that you all should read it.

Hi Kayleigh,

Are you back in Rochester? It’s been sunny! and it’s warmer! I hope you don’t mind that I’m commenting on your blog post. As long as we are musician and are seeking a career in music, we share and struggle with this “endless” topic, I believe… So, here I wrote what I think about it and answers to some of your questions.

Fact 1: I get more rejection letters than acceptance letters. –but, I don’t actually remember them(rejections), because it’s not worth thinking about people who rejected me!
Fact 2: I was told to quit piano, because I suck at it, when I was in high school. –It took my entire undergrad to believe in myself again. And, I was told the same thing again by a different person much later, too.
Fact 3: I thought of quitting piano again in my masters at NEC, because I was very depressed by the fact I was not one of the successful ones in what I do.
Fact 4: Here I am in my doctoral study. I’m still striving for the same path of what I want to do.

Do you know exactly what you want to do with music and in your career? Can you picture yourself what kind of every day life and where you would be in 3 or 5 years? If you could answer this question (whatever the answer is –so many people end up with wherever his/her love-partner is.), I think, you are done.

I often think of some other people’s fact too: for examples, 1) my admirable current teacher, she did not settle until about 10 years ago, 2) my amazing studio pianist who won the CAG and has concert tour all the time, she now has to find a real management in order to continue her current concert-life. And, she will be facing to the pressure throughout her life if she wants it.

--"Do these festivals realize that so many of us tie our sense of self-worth with our ability to be successful in this front? Do these people know that hearts are broken because of this?" –It’s not worth thinking how much they care about our internal state of hapiness. I have an unopened rejection letter in my room, which I will never open…

--"How can we, as the sometimes rejected, keep up our sense of self-worth when we are constantly rejected from festivals/programs/more?" –Musicians need to be (or try to be, if you are not naturally one of these people) SELF-INDULGENT, so that you can keep believing in what you do.

--When do we acknowledge that point? The tipping point between dreams and reality? --you don’t stop trying unless you decide not to anymore. And, I think it’s important that somewhere in your mind you SEPARATE your music and your career progression. Ideally, The reality should always reflect what you deserve though it clearly does not work that way all the time. You should love what you do regardless of what’s happening to the reality.

I really want to tell you that it is my honest feeling that I was not disappointed by the result of CAG last year. Of course, I was mad, but sad. Because, at that time, I knew I made some progress in my playing by having a chance to compete in the competition, and I wouldn’t have been able to make the progress unless I did it. And, my self-improvement mattered for me. I will try again...

When I was depressed in my masters, I couldn’t save myself then. It was actually the time I met more local jazz musicians in Boston, found to do improv, and did more outside gigs. And, I just LOVED playing wherever and whatever music. Playing in church masses has been equally important in this regard, because I can do improv there!

Ah, one more question.

-- would you be very happy during that search? --I'm quite content now with what I'm doing. Well, a bit overwhelmed by how much I have to do in school perhaps... But, I get worried when I'm not busy.

Here are some thoughts that my mom taught me and I still believe in.

If you believe in what you do, you will eventually succeed.
If you don’t dream of what you want, you will never become of it.
The effort and the time you devoted for the thing you desire will never be wasted. You will get what you deserve in the end.

Do you think it’s silly to believe in them? I'm curious to know what you think. You can completely deny my thinking, because this is totally depending on my current thinking and my experience so far. I don’t know how I would be thinking differently next year.

Hope this isn’t an annoying long letter for you. I couldn’t help writing, because we all share this topic.

Futaba

I love her response and hope that those of you who are feeling lost and frustrated musically will continue on your journey with more courage and belief in yourself!

Hmm!

On Sunday, I had the good fortunate of winning (yes, me!) a competition (that involved viola!). This was indeed a rare occasion, since:

1) I learned the piece in 2 weeks.

2) I had been feeling quite poorly about my performance, intonation, and abilities as a musician for the week leading up to said competition, mostly due to Melissa Matson and the dreaded RPO audition.

But, I triumphed over my demons of doubt, which is a big deal, and now I get to play Harold In Italy in February, possibly on a much nicer viola than my own. Sigh. I also just discovered that I don't have to rerecord my NWS video, and that my computer was just being stupid and misreading the DVDs! That thrills me, since I have been having a hard time focusing.

But back to me and my competition. The best part is that there had been a lot of animosity from other competitors about the competition, especially from the other studio, and a lot of ego's were competing for the limelight. I laid low all last week, since I still felt badly about how I was playing, and in the end, I only wanted to do my best and not humiliate myself. Erin and Norbrian were so excited when I finished, they thought it was an amazing performance. I just thought I did ok. :) I also made sure to go to meditation 4-6 (good call!) and tried to just focus on confidence and success. And it worked- I just happened to win. But winning was never the goal-the competition just made me work hard and try to outplay myself.

So suck that, haters.

listening to: mgmt, various yo gabba gabba cameo videos.

Fighting the Need for Speed

In driving 7+ hours today, as well as during my driving last week, I was observing the driving patterns of the species known as humans.  This group of non-celestial beings has decided that driving rationally will simply not do.  It doesn't matter the circumstance, but cars are striving to pass others constantly, seeking power and speed and superiority.  In a constant power struggle, how can we be ok with our powerlessness?  How can I accept that other cars simply drive faster than 75 mph on a rainy day on a freeway frequented by police?  Each time a car passes me, I feel threatened, as if I'm not good enough for the person passing me.  I'm not fast enough, I'm not a good enough driver, I'm just not enough.  And then I see them in front of me, and I realize they haven't accomplished much.  They're just in front of me, and not behind me.  But we end up in the same place, and we'll probably be there the same time, give or take 4 minutes.  Am I really that bad of a person because I don't drive above 80? Am I really a bad person because I'm not good enough for everyone else?   One must trust that 75 or 70 or 65 (never ever below the speed limit, of course) is the best speed for oneself, and hope that all will be well, no matter what everyone else thinks.

currently watching: angels in america.

On Winning and Losing

I played amazingly on Monday.  I actually owned Hoffmeister in a way that I never thought possible.  I fixed so many things from Saturday to Monday that I shocked my teacher- she called it a miracle.  What's the catch?  Oh, I didn't win.  In fact, a freshman won, a point that has been very controversial since the competition.  While I do wish the outcome had been different, I came to the following conclusions:

1) I played amazingly.  Normally, when you lose something, you say, "ugh.  I played ok/bad/decent BUT...(fill in the blank)."  But on Monday, there were no "but" moments.  I really made a huge leap for myself and my performing abilities.  In any competing situation, whether it be job or performance based, you can only control your part of the deal, not the outcome.  And I controlled my part, and did beautifully.

2) My teacher was exceedingly happy with my performance.  I won't go into juicy details, but let's say that she was surprised and thought that my performance was exceptional.  Honestly, her opinion matters a lot to me.

3) One of the judges is the unsavory orchestra conductor.  'nuff said.

4) If I had won, it might have splintered my friendship with Kyle, and that would've been silly.  And if Kyle had won, the same would have been true.  This way, we are both equals.

5) It helps to keep the ego intact and not get out of control when one is put in this sort of situation.

6) Suffering is inevitable, and this is an example of that.  And that's ok.

7) I received really supportive amazing feedback from friends and fellow competition attendees, and that has been so valuable and reassuring for me.

8) A competition is in effect a competition with one's self.  And if that's the case, then I won- by a wide margin of error.  And that's something to be proud of.

It made me so grateful for my progress, my abilities, and my friends, who were able to support me and commend me on my playing.  To have someone say that they cried when I lost is perhaps the most touching of all.  I can't think of when I've made someone cry through my music.

On the day of the competition, I meditated, did yoga, and read, in addition to a little practicing, and clearly that paid off.  I am so honored that people think so highly of me, and I only hope that I can live up to others expectations of me, while also living up to my own.  

Happiness is always here- we just are often unable to perceive it.  

Listening to: Sigur Ros "Hvarf-Heim" (as well as a bunch of dharma talks)

Competitions and Unpleasant Emotions

I used to be competitive, back when I was more self-assured about my playing and my existence in general.  But now, I'm afraid of them.  I don't like massaging my ego with competitiveness- I don't like the way it feels to "want" to win, to want to be the best.  Mostly, because I don't think that anyone can be the best at music.  You can have the best intonation, or sound, or interpretation, but I feel like music is so interpretive that distilling it down really saps it of its individualist nature.  I had a bad experience with a concerto competition in high school: I was the concertmaster of my youth orchestra, and my stand partner won the competition, I placed third.  I was so upset that I wanted to step down from my principal position.  When we got the comments from the judges, two of them said that they didn't feel like my piece was appropriate, that it wasn't showy enough.  I had played the first movement of the Barber violin concerto, and I was so angry that I could've screamed.  My stand partner had played part of the Lalo Symphonie Espagnole.  She was a great player, and I respected her abilities, but the whole experience really ruined my vantage point on competitions.  It's great if you're on top, but if you're not, then you are judged on your losses.  I always felt like 2nd best after that competition, like I had something to prove to everyone, and I hated it.  I ultimately disliked my orchestra experience for the rest of the year, and was put off from doing that sort of thing for a while.

I worry that this competition could be the same.  I'm really worried about what winning or losing will do to my friendships with people.  I don't want people to judge me as being a significantly worse player than whomever wins, which is why I was hesitant to do the competition in the first place.  It still worries me.  I don't mind if I lose, since I don't feel like I play this piece amazingly.  I'm more worried about the consequences of my actions.  I know that I should just think about playing my best, and not worry about everything else, since it will eventually pass, but it's really hard.  I don't want to wish for someone else to fail either.  I want a group tie, which isn't going to work.  

I've been trying to do meditation that addresses the connectedness of all beings, eliminating the separateness that is plaguing me.  That's been helping a bit, but I don't have a magic solution.  I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst, but also while playing the best I can.  If I play my best, then I suppose I have no apologies. I can't control a competition.  I can't rig it, I can't guarantee that I play the best in the group, because I don't believe in the "best."  So how I can I compete? I don't know.  

In Buddhist land, there's a view that "comparison with those who are smarter, more beautiful or more successful than ourselves...tends to breed envy, frustration, and unhappiness." (H.H. Dalai Lama)  In a deeper sense, good competition is with one's self, which is what musicians do every day.  Competition with others is an issue of ego, jealousy, and other unsavory emotions.  I don't like it, but I have to deal with it.  So, I'll continue to work on myself, and try to eradicate those emotions...

Listening to : Belle and Sebastian.

Reading: The God of Small Things