A potentially new and cleaner home

I've opened a tumblr account, which I've been considering for months, once I realize that blogger's formatting was clunky, especially for media.  I've also not been desiring to write as much, but i have plenty of pics, videos, and musings to share, and I think this might be a better place for that.  It's called the daily lettuce, of course.

Let's Be Honest

Let's be honest, folks-this new year has definitely sucked.  In more ways than I would like to count.  I spent the first 6 weeks of my miami time trying to get people to realize that I was still there-that I wasn't just a regular sub, and yes, I was here last week and the week before that.  I've finally got that covered-over half of the orchestra has stopped completely ignoring me in the hallways, and that's a relief.  Granted, I still spend many of my evenings by myself, and I don't get invited to do things all that often, but at least I'm not being ignored every day like the first few weeks.  It was really hard to leave Boston mid-school-year, and then join things down here mid-season, and not get properly introduced to anyone.  On one hand, I don't blame people for ignoring me-I always sit in the last two stands of the viola section, I don't have a mailbox, or an ID card, I'm not in the programs, and I'm never in anything special, in terms of smaller ensemble stuff.  I'm sort of in limbo-I have one of the teeniest rooms, and I'm permanently viola #7-8, depending on the week.  (This week, two people are absent, so I no longer have to sit directly in front of the trumpets, and I'll be viola #6.)  I was pretty much socially fucked down here, which was even more frustrating because I live in a dorm, in which everyone knows everyone else's business.  So I could hear lots of other people being social, but I was (and mostly am) not still part of it.  I had just spent a few fabulously busy, stressful, and socially awesome months in Boston, in which I was very comfortable, working with teachers that I'd known for many years, and having friends from different parts of my life.  (NEC undergrad time, eastman time, new NEC friends, banff friends, etc.) It was actually pretty excellent, in many ways, obviously not in all ways though.  I wasn't practicing enough, I was working too much, and I was eating sporadically.  I just didn't feel that great about my playing (and I still don't) and I know now that I need to actually work on that part.  To leave such a comfortable environment, complete with a lovely mischievous cat, made January hellish, at best.  February came, with promises of Boston, which were still excellent, despite many unforseen hurdles (friend's grandmother dying, mediocre auditions, weird interactions with some of my friends).  The trip back from Boston was hard-I cried the evening before I left, and not just because I was having drinks with friends.  I knew that this time, my trip to South Beach was the long hall-a good 12 weeks, and I wouldn't see most of my good friends for that entire duration, and quite frankly, that scared the crap out of me.  All of these things combine to make me moody and sulky, and perplexed about how to make things better.  I've  taken the first step though-I've let New World know that I'm not returning next season, and that I'd like to finish my b.s. degree at NEC.  And boy does that feel good.
I know that happiness is as much a state of mind, as well as a reaction to current events.  You can be happy in shitty times, and you can be sad in what would be construed as awesome times (me! me!).  I'm working on that, as best I can.  Now I can see the light at the end of the sunny tropical tunnel, and I know that everything will be ok.  Yes, there are still some very rude and snarky girls here, and there are still a good 15 people that completely ignore me, no matter what the situation.  However, I'm ready to deal with that, and I'm ready to deal with myself-my issues, my occasional performance anxiety, and my fears.  (more on that another time).  It's time to make this South Beach time about me-it's definitely not going to be about anyone else.  It's time to work on some musical projects that will really make me happy, to set goals that will make this situation more bearable, if not pleasant.

Musical Goals: learn and record violin phase (duh, on viola) by May
learn a few movements of Kurtag 'signs, games, and messages'
start serious work on the Bach D Minor Violin Partita!
perfect the tricky Garth Knox pizzicato etude
have a few lessons with Ralph Fielding

Life goals: run a 5k in march, run a 10k in April or May
yoga class 2-3 times a week
Work on gaining confidence in audition and performance situations

and lastly, believing in myself, and my worth as a human being.  Sappy, but always a relevant problem for me.

Beautiful Video, Beautiful Clothing

For some reason, this video really struck me.  I'm not sure exactly why or how, but the clothing is really neat, and it's crazy to think that the girl is only 12-13.  

I think I've lost it!

Yes, Katy Perry brought me to tears.  I've definitely lost my marbles.  And it's only 1:55 PM.  Darn you, top 40 sappy songs!


on the bright side, my credit card is paid off!  Now to start saving those dollas for the summer and possible yoga teacher training!

Come on 2011!

Come on, 2011!  Why does everything about you have to suck so bad?  It's like Eastman all over again.

I can definitely relate to this...

I read this piece the other day and I realized that most people are infinitely better to hang out with while drunk or drinking.  And that some people I'm friends with, I only want to see after a drink or two.  On the other hand, some people really do annoy the hell out of me when they're drunk.  It can go both ways.  The bottom line though, was good.  And I agree.

Most people you find attractive are not necessarily people you can spend a lot of time around. Getting drunk has the effect of turning any occasion into a party, though, and looking back, it can also do that with people. I always knew that alcohol made me feel so much more interesting. What I hadn't fully realized is how it made other people so much more interesting. When I think about successful dates from the past now, I wonder whether we were just fooling each other.

Pictures from My Adventures

Dali

Viola Fail!

I had my Spoleto audition today and my shoulder rest fell off three times.  During excerpts.  WTF.  I haven't had this problem in months, and I just bought a new shoulder rest which has been securely affixed to my viola as of late.  Anyway, I played ok, but was slightly put off by the circumstances, since I kept having to stop and start mid-excerpt.  Aargh.  Oh well!  Didn't want to go anyway.  (Although I think the universe picked a strange time to have my shoulder rest start falling off.)  This is sort of like what happened.

Gala Darling

In the midst of a crazy week down here at NWS-opening hall, concert every night, rehearsal every morning...you get the idea, coupled with super stressed out people, I've been indulging in a new blog.  It's not actually new to the world, just new to me, and it's technically called "the playgirl's guide to radical self-love."  As a design, it's a little girly.  It's a lot girly, in fact, with pink and rhinestones and pictures of the author in crazy clothes and things like that.  But in fact, it's a very interesting blog, with some solid content on it.  Basically, the whole premise of the blog is to talk about "radical self love" which is a fancy way to say "women need to get some serious self-confidence and not be down on themselves."  The author is a 26 year old New Zealander, and while it does go into the self-help arena in many ways, and draw on self-help leaders such as Byron Katie, it manages to be relevant and fun without being too spiritual or dogmatic.
     While I don't know if I want to stay here in Miami Beach for an extended period of time, I'm really loving this practice vacation.  Yeah, it's still socially awkward with the fellows, but I'm having a great time with the subs who've been here all month, and that's great.  And more importantly, I'm having time to work on myself.  I've been feeling better about my worth as a human being and a woman for the past two years, but it's a definite work in progress, and I'm starting to feel the rewards of my work, after so many years of feeling bad about myself.  (And so I guess I'm an advocate of radical self-love too!)  For some tidbits to jump-start your self-evaluation, look at this post from last year's Valentine's Day, and think about how you, or someone you know, could start loving themselves a little bit more.  One of my favorites is this Eve Ensler quote:
“You have to give to the world the thing that you want the most, in order to fix the broken parts inside you.”


And for something a little sillier, here's one of my favorite youtube videos right now: 




It makes me just want to subscribe to Kanye's twitter feed, just so I could get lines like "I make awesome decisions, in bike stores."  Or "french fries are the devil."

I'm Beginning to Be Ok here.

I'm conflicted about being here, that's for sure.  It's very strange, in many ways.  It's like a socialogical study in strangeness, when it comes to the people, but it's such a lovely ensemble to play in (aside from the fact that I've probably had considerable hearing damage from the past 3 weeks, and I have to wear earplugs through most all rehearsals less I have trombone/trumpet caused ringing in my ears) and it's an amazingly beautiful city and area in most ways.  I sometimes get really frustrated with the people and the whole social situation, which is pretty much dysfunctional in the highest.  I've had conversations with many people in the orchestra, and even though I live and see them every day, they don't say hi.  It's ridiculous.  I know people still think I'm a sub, which is fine, but I'm just getting tired of always having to explain myself, "no, I'll be here for the next four months, so it'd be cool if you said hi sometimes, because I'm going to think you're a bitch otherwise, and please don't friend me on facebook if you don't say hi to me in the Plymouth, because that means you're lame."  I've had that from a lot of people here, and I'm just amazed at the social amatureness of these folks.  It shouldn't matter if I'm a sub or not-common courtesy still exists, and you should say hi to people or smile at people that are in the same fucking orchestra that you play in for 3-6 hours a day.  Duh.  So anyway, that being said, I'm finding my way, and doing my own thing.  Yes, I do have a few friends here, but I don't have anyone that's really been my friend throughout the last few years, and it's hard to go from having close friends of longevity, to making new acquaintances that aren't really sure whether or not to invest in you personally, because you might leave.  Now that I've figured that out, I'm not so concerned, because I just don't care.  I initially felt like such an intruder on this pre-existent social hierarchy, but now that I've seen most people interact with each other, I'm not as concerned about my lack of social skills, frankly.  ( Pool-side Keg parties will bring out some suspect personality traits in folks.)I'm doing ok doing most things on my own, and that's how it's going to be, it seems.  I think I went the whole day without interacting with anyone, except for two brief conversations in the Plymouth.  But it was ok!  I ran 4.5 miles in 40 mins, which is terrific, and whenever I get concerned about my social well-being, I just go for a run at sunset, and get pummeled by the infinite beauty and wisdom of this little island at the end of the world.   You couldn't wish for a more beautiful crepuscular run.

People are starting to talk to me, little by little-I'm just impatient for people to get with it.  But for the next two weeks, I'm focusing on my trip to Boston, and my festival auditions, and that gives me enough to concern myself with that none of this really matters, except improving my tan.  That definitely matters.

Listening to: Sigur Ros

Eighties Inspiration

I discovered today that my name, kayleigh, was the title and main subject of a bad eighties song.  I don't know how I feel about this, but it's sort of funny, if nothing else.  The British band's name is Marillion, and it's not a great song by any means.  I certainly never thought that my name would end up as the title of a pop song, especially with the correct spelling.  Unfortunately, this video has some tragic gothic animated pictures with it, but I think it's one of the better versions in term of sound quality.

Appearance Change

I've been enjoying sitting out on the beach, changing my appearance, that sort of thing.  It's been so bizarre to see what a teensy bit of sun will change in the pigment of my skin.  I've been doing really well-as a pasty white girl, I always apply sunscreen, or at least try to...until today in which I missed a huge chunk of my back, and now it hurts to wear a bra.  The rest of me is fine-I guess I  just need to do a more thorough spraying-sunscreen job.  Fail.  But otherwise, freckling wonderfully.

listening to: simon and garfunkel.
reading: moby dick.  After 24 chapters and 130 pages, the boat has FINALLY left the flipping shore.  It's whale time!

Hip Pix

I'm starting to enjoy this posh beach life, and I'm also obsessed with this iphone pic app, hipstamatic.  Here's some of its handiwork...

Or these very nice Miami beachline ones.

I'm totally obsessed, now that I have so much time to be obsessed.  (Although I am not a total slug-I am slogging my way through Moby Dick, running on the beach, working on my tan, and practicing.)

Listening to: R.Kelly remixes.  Who woulda thought?

Endless

So I'm getting sort of settled here in South Beach, and I still can't stop listening to the rap/hip hop.  Like this




I totally have it stuck in my head, and I'm not sure why exactly, because it's not a great song, but it, along with a ton of mashups, is stuck in my head.  Any time I walk around South Beach, I hear hip hop and rap and electronic music, and that's starting to make me only listen to poppy stuff.  It's crazy.  Hopefully, I'll get over it soon.  Classical orchestra by day, hip hop by night.  Also like the new Kanye album.  Definitely recommend it.  I've listened to Runaway a gazillion times in the last week.