Last Days and New Beginnings

Last sunset in Boston for a while.

Miami Beach is calling!

Dancing my way to Miami

Since I've been to Miami, I'm ready to embrace the warmth, the festivities, and the plethora of hip hop, rap, and electronica that pervades the club scene in Miami.  (As well as the stilettos-I packed 6 pairs of heels this afternoon!)  This has resulted in some interesting music discoveries-I bought a few albums last week at Amoeba in Hollywood, mostly pop, and I've been dancing around to house to these tracks.
Discovery-Carby (featuring Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend)


Robyn: "Dancing On My Own."  Heard it in the summer, but never committed to liking it until last week.


The Hood Internet-Mashup of Grizzly Bear/Dead Prez
The Hood Internet - Two Weeks Of Hip Hop (Dead Prez x Grizzly Bear) by hoodinternet

The Hood Internet: Jay-Z +LCD Soundsystem
The Hood Internet - Just Wanna Dance Yrself Clean (Jay-Z x LCD Soundsystem) by hoodinternet

I don't know what this all means, but I'm totally drawn to the danceable jams these days.  When I was in Miami, I had a solo dance party in my new minidress to LCD Soundsystem and Lady Gaga.  So...I'm going mainstream?  I don't know, but it's fun.

Our Impossible Soul

Most times, men don't get it.  They don't understand why women have this fragility, this fear about sex, their bodies, and being violated.  Sometimes, it's because we can't really express the things that have happened in our past.  Sometimes, it just an innate fear bred in us from our parents, or our backgrounds, or our religion.  It'd be nice if all women felt comfortable enough with their bodies to the point where sex and intimacy were not scary things.  But it turns out that many women feel this way (not just me!).  Sometimes I forget about this possibility, since I always imagine the insecurities that I feel are just my problems.  How did this whole thought process come about, you may ask?
    Well, my friend Tony asked me why I don't really date people.  And after a very long winded story detailing various negative experiences, he was like "whoah! I'm so sorry that these things happened to you.  But you still like men?  We're not all bad."  And I was beginning to realize (or at least think) that some of my reticence to date anyone was rooted in all of the negative experiences I had both in my freshman year incidents, and with my awful high school pseudo-boyfriend.  I've also noticed in the last year that I keep losing weight, but I'm not trying particularly hard.  if anything, I'm drinking more, which is in no way calorically beneficial.
       While I don't recommend making deep life decisions based on Oprah's O magazine (which I catch up on every year when I go to my grandma's house, where there is a stack of them), I came to this conclusion, thanks to the middle-aged women running O: My extra weight, basic tee shirt attire, and general shyness about appearance has all been a shield to prevent unwanted male affections.  The magazine suggested that one's extra weight can be like a shield, a wall, to the outside world, and in my case, quite possibly to the perpetrators of my sexual assault.  In the last two years, I've become more confident, both as a musician, and as a person. Living in Rochester made me feel like I could deal with anything, whether in terms of violence against women (crazy people living in Rochester!) or in terms of interpersonal relationships.  And I've been breaking down that wall so to speak (a woman cutting her hair is in the midst of a great personal change!).  For much of my undergrad, I was afraid to both be pursued romantically, and to actually have it happen.  I never really equated my fears with the sexual assault, mostly because I was just desperately trying to block it out of my head.  Strangely, I was never attracted to women, which for many people, would be an obvious result.  Despite the array of strange male experiences that I've had (especially the one where I was 3 or 4, and an older boy exposed himself in the kiddy pool, and then kissed me.  Ugh.  I just remembered he asked me to touch him, which I refused, and I never liked him because he always ate tuna for lunch and smelled suspectly.), I guess I've always believed that men are not altogether bad.  I've just run into a few bad ones.  Anyway, I think that my appearance has changed, accidentally, to reflect the internal changes that have occurred, and my growing confidence in most areas of my life.
     But to tie this anachronistic thread together, let me put in this point-the female sexual experience is very complicated, and women have a lot of baggage with sex.  I think it is absolutely possible to get over those issues, whether within a relationship, or just within oneself, but it is definitely an issue that is often glossed over.  Just last week, one of my friend's boyfriends was getting frustrated with her because she doesn't want to have sex as often as he does, and it's just such a male stereotype.  The man wants more sex, and the woman withholds.  But she's not doing it on purpose, it's more that she has a fair amount of reticence towards sex itself, towards her body, and towards the cultural and religious implications of sex.  It's crazy-or the women from more conservative backgrounds who have a terrifying fear of masturbation and vibrators, because our culture doesn't really include that viewpoint.  Yes, Sex and the City did great wonders for woman and sex, but it doesn't mean that we're encouraged to buy vibrators and go have an orgasm by ourselves.  There's still a lot of work to be done in that realm, both culturally and within our groups of friends, and despite the fact that most of my female friends are in their twenties, many of us still have sexual hangups or a fear of sex.  And it's not our fault-we're the product of our ages, our religions, our families, and the cultural expectation for sex is constantly changing, and we're not ready for it yet.  We can just do what we can, within ourselves, and hope for men to be patient with us, because it's our body, not theirs.

The Hood Internet - No One Womanizes Like You (Britney Spears x Department of Eagles) by hoodinternet

Listening to: the Hood Internet, Sufjan Stevens, Robyn, and Discovery

Going Miami on Y'alls

So Miami, particularly South Beach, is sort of a trashy, dirty, sexy place-in mostly entertaining ways, of course.  Despite my lack of religious upbringing, I still have the remnants of a puritanical approach towards the body, particularly my own, and I'm anything but flirtatious.  I'm not a prude by any means-I swear, I drink, I hang out with guys-I just have some strange conservative elements of my persona, which I can't explain.  (For example, I tend to avoid clothes that showcase my assets, especially by Miami standards.  T+A+Legs.)  Why?  I can't really explain it, but somehow being considered sexy has always scared me. It could be a strange strain of feminism, or just my understanding that cleavage should always be understated, rather than omnipresent.  Or that short shorts and miniskirts have no place in regular society.  I don't know how I came up with these conclusions, but I think it must have originated from my consistent displeasure with my body over the last ten years.  I have always known that I'm not deeply and profoundly gorgeous, nor am I thin by any American standard.  I think those insecurities led to me choosing to wear t-shirts and jeans for most of the last ten years.  I never was thin enough to wear a bikini, and my mom rarely let me wear anything that bared anything.  I think there was always this need to shelter me from the reality of my body-"Don't wear short shorts, you're not as thin as the other girls.  Don't wear spaghetti strap shirts-your cleavage is much bigger and your arms aren't as small."  I don't remember exactly what my mom said to me in high school, but she was always concerned that I would wear something inappropriate, which as we all know now, is absolutely ludicrous.  When I was shopping for my formal dress last Christmas, I received a strange echo of my high school experience-every dress I tried on was too tight, too saggy, too low in the front, too low in the back, etc, that by the end of it, I figured I might as well wear a graduation gown for the number of options that I'd have.  I was lucky to find a beautiful gown that was both conservative, sexy, and classic, but in many ways, it demonstrates my own issues with my body, as well as my mom's insecurities with her own.  

Let me preface this all by saying that I'm a bit thinner than I used to be (not oodles, but 20+ pounds less than two years ago) and that my accidental weight loss has gradually ushered in a new level of bodily security.  I've also been engaged in a fabulous flirtation with a dreamy cellist for most of the last month, which also boosted confidence immensely, despite the fact that I've totally peaced out, and have no idea if anything more substantial could've happened.  Anyway, the point is, I'm using Miami as an excuse to buy some ridiculous clothing, get a few more freckles (I don't really tan all that well), and embrace my assets.  To celebrate that, I bought a minidress so mini that there are shorts built into it, therefore making it a romper, I believe.  I am also scanning the sale racks everywhere for some sweet tank tops, since I currently own 2.  This is not to say that I don't have any musical or cosmic goals-instead, this is just own of them.  I'm not a superficial person, most of the time, and perhaps it's time to indulge a little self-preservation and image promotion, while I learn how to play in an orchestra.  And Miami is going to help with all of those things.

A Change of scene

I have arrived in Miami, for part one of my vacation.  The orchestra sounds great, the new hall is beautiful, and the weather has been fabulous.  I went for an amazing run on the beach today, and it was 75.  On the flip side, I have an amazing group of friends in Boston, and I already miss them dearly.  I only have one friend here, and I'm trying to keep from clinging to him like a barnacle, just so that he doesn't end up going batshit crazy with me so early in my time here.  I've already accepted that there will be a bit of a social transition, simply because I haven't done many orchestral festivals, and I don't know a majority of the people in this scene.  I'm sure I'll be fine-it's just not NEC where I came back, and was welcomed with open arms and a bevy of friends, old and new.  (The violists here are NOT as cool as the ones in my studio at NEC).    Anyway, I'm curious to see how this goes, and what people I end up meeting and hanging out with.  I also have to decide how I'm going to pace next semester, since I can't go out every night and just not practice...especially since I'm not sold on this whole orchestral festival thing.  But for now, it's a lovely vacation, with a few close friends, and a really loud brass section to sit in front of.

listening to: kanye's new album, lady gaga, and some beyonce.  I'm in the mood for a dance party.