Zen is Stupid

(ok so the pic gets a little cut off- here's the linkage)


So there's this podcast called "zen is stupid" which doesn't have a lot to do with zen, but meanders away from buddhism every few minutes.  But I appreciate the sentiment.  I don't necessarily think that zen is stupid, but I might agree to say "zen is weird."  But since I'm greedy with my knowledge, I've been trying to read about zen so I have a better idea of whether the RZC is "normal" or not.  I'm currently reading HardCore Zen, which is another one of those books like Noah Levine's which are geared at the late teenager, early twenties type, and use normal language and pop cultural references.  Each book has its strengths and weakness, and Levine's is certainly more of a "i was a huge asshole and i did all these terrible things and meditation saved me from a life of drugs and sex."  There's relatively little Buddhist philosophy in Levine's, but more of a bio.  Brad Warner's book, however, is roughly half and half, and I really appreciate his cynicism and skepticism.  He's someone who questions authority, doubts his zen master teachers, and continually analyzes the zen teachings.  I think if he was running a zendo, I wouldn't feel quite as awkward as I did this weekend.  Here are some of the points in his book that I thought were worth noting:

On Buddhism and drugs: "Drugs won't show you the truth.  Drugs will only show you what it's like to be on drugs." and later..."Why does an expanded consciousness (due to drugs) include the inability to operate a motor vehicle?"

"Ultimately it's always better to make people see how they can heal themselves...Real Buddhist teachers don't tell you about reality, they teach you to see reality for yourself, right now."

"Buddhism is about letting people know they do not need to follow any authority.  If you need an authority figure, go somewhere else."

About lofty causes and day-to-day life: "Stop the racist, gay-bashing Nazis from going to war to club baby seals in the burning South American rainforests if you want-but also clean your room." and earlier  "When you decide that helping feed homeless transgender crack addicts to the baby whales-or whatever- is somehow more worthy than helping your mom clean the dead squirrel out of the gutters, that's when you get in trouble."  His point here is not that we shouldn't do philanthropy, but that it should affect all of our life.  We shouldn't be saving the world and then bitching our friends out or leaving messes everywhere.  I like that idea.  It's the idea that all good work is important and we are all connected.

And then lastly, on death:  'A guy walks up to a zen master and asks, "is there life after death?"  The zen masters says, "How should I know?" The guy replies indignantly, "because you're a Zen masters!" "Yes," says the Zen master, " but not a dead one."'  The point he makes here is that no one in any religion KNOWS where we go after life, and as humans, we are constantly looking for the next step rather than the present.  But Warner suggests that we should instead think of the present as the only life, since you don't know what's next.  He also counters this by saying later in the book that we are all always part of the universe, no matter what.  So it's really not that bleak.

Anyway, that's all my kernels of wisdom for today.  Now off to study the Renaissance.

Currently listening to: Renaissance polyphonic vocal music and dharma talks.

Adventures in Buddhism, pt. 1

So I've been curious and desirous of joining a Buddhist sangha, or community, for the last few months.  The two main ones here in Rochester are the zen center and the tibetan White Lotus group.  Both places have been really interesting experiences, and both places have been weird.  

I most recently went to the zen center this weekend- on Saturday I did the introductory day of meditation and whatnot, and on Sunday, I went to traditional services at ahem, 8:30 AM.

Zen is intense, a little scary, and very serious.  I was kinda frightened for most of Sunday.  We started off the morning sitting, facing the wall, for about an hour, which is fine, but I'm weirded out by the stick that you hit people with.  That's a little strange for me.  I also felt a little odd to not be wearing meditation robes like almost everyone else- I definitely stuck out like a sore thumb, but I also have no desire to wear a russet potato colored robe to conform.  The chanting was almost creepy to me, since it wasn't natural speaking but instead somewhat monotone with occasional predetermined fluctuations.  The zen center is absolutely beautiful, both indoors and out, and is just a wonderful space.  It's hard for me to imagine how zen has appealed to such a group of benign 40-70 year olds, but I can certainly respect that.  I love how zen has such a focus on meditation- I really think that's excellent.  But the rest of zen seems to either be denying you your earthly life (like when I was informed that reading is in excess...) or telling you  that nothing is real (obviously).  I also felt like the meditation practice was a little stiff in that you don't meditate on anything in particular, you really just meditate on the breath.  I think that's a great practice sometimes, but I really like my lovingkindness meditations and mindfulness.  I don't know if I can keep up with all the zen rituals: when to bow, when to stand, when to chant, and I don't know if I really want to.  It all really intimidated me and made spirituality cold and impersonal.

Tibetan Buddhism, on the other hand...is the opposite.  I went a few weeks ago and was somewhat shocked at the demographic of nice middle aged white folks practicing in what seemed like Buddhism on speed.  The alter room is ridiculously colorful and bright, with all sorts of different offerings and pictures of different deities.  I was also a little weirded out by that service, since there was no meditation, only prayer, but now I understand that for that school, prayer, chanting, and other things are another path through Buddhism, whereas other schools really focus on the meditation (like zen.)  I'll probably go back this Sunday just so I can see if it's better 2nd time around.  I know that neither of these places are really my style, but I really just want to be part of a community, and I think I need to join at least one of them...

Listening to: Renaissance music and "dark was the night" compilation

On Winning and Losing

I played amazingly on Monday.  I actually owned Hoffmeister in a way that I never thought possible.  I fixed so many things from Saturday to Monday that I shocked my teacher- she called it a miracle.  What's the catch?  Oh, I didn't win.  In fact, a freshman won, a point that has been very controversial since the competition.  While I do wish the outcome had been different, I came to the following conclusions:

1) I played amazingly.  Normally, when you lose something, you say, "ugh.  I played ok/bad/decent BUT...(fill in the blank)."  But on Monday, there were no "but" moments.  I really made a huge leap for myself and my performing abilities.  In any competing situation, whether it be job or performance based, you can only control your part of the deal, not the outcome.  And I controlled my part, and did beautifully.

2) My teacher was exceedingly happy with my performance.  I won't go into juicy details, but let's say that she was surprised and thought that my performance was exceptional.  Honestly, her opinion matters a lot to me.

3) One of the judges is the unsavory orchestra conductor.  'nuff said.

4) If I had won, it might have splintered my friendship with Kyle, and that would've been silly.  And if Kyle had won, the same would have been true.  This way, we are both equals.

5) It helps to keep the ego intact and not get out of control when one is put in this sort of situation.

6) Suffering is inevitable, and this is an example of that.  And that's ok.

7) I received really supportive amazing feedback from friends and fellow competition attendees, and that has been so valuable and reassuring for me.

8) A competition is in effect a competition with one's self.  And if that's the case, then I won- by a wide margin of error.  And that's something to be proud of.

It made me so grateful for my progress, my abilities, and my friends, who were able to support me and commend me on my playing.  To have someone say that they cried when I lost is perhaps the most touching of all.  I can't think of when I've made someone cry through my music.

On the day of the competition, I meditated, did yoga, and read, in addition to a little practicing, and clearly that paid off.  I am so honored that people think so highly of me, and I only hope that I can live up to others expectations of me, while also living up to my own.  

Happiness is always here- we just are often unable to perceive it.  

Listening to: Sigur Ros "Hvarf-Heim" (as well as a bunch of dharma talks)

Competitions and Unpleasant Emotions

I used to be competitive, back when I was more self-assured about my playing and my existence in general.  But now, I'm afraid of them.  I don't like massaging my ego with competitiveness- I don't like the way it feels to "want" to win, to want to be the best.  Mostly, because I don't think that anyone can be the best at music.  You can have the best intonation, or sound, or interpretation, but I feel like music is so interpretive that distilling it down really saps it of its individualist nature.  I had a bad experience with a concerto competition in high school: I was the concertmaster of my youth orchestra, and my stand partner won the competition, I placed third.  I was so upset that I wanted to step down from my principal position.  When we got the comments from the judges, two of them said that they didn't feel like my piece was appropriate, that it wasn't showy enough.  I had played the first movement of the Barber violin concerto, and I was so angry that I could've screamed.  My stand partner had played part of the Lalo Symphonie Espagnole.  She was a great player, and I respected her abilities, but the whole experience really ruined my vantage point on competitions.  It's great if you're on top, but if you're not, then you are judged on your losses.  I always felt like 2nd best after that competition, like I had something to prove to everyone, and I hated it.  I ultimately disliked my orchestra experience for the rest of the year, and was put off from doing that sort of thing for a while.

I worry that this competition could be the same.  I'm really worried about what winning or losing will do to my friendships with people.  I don't want people to judge me as being a significantly worse player than whomever wins, which is why I was hesitant to do the competition in the first place.  It still worries me.  I don't mind if I lose, since I don't feel like I play this piece amazingly.  I'm more worried about the consequences of my actions.  I know that I should just think about playing my best, and not worry about everything else, since it will eventually pass, but it's really hard.  I don't want to wish for someone else to fail either.  I want a group tie, which isn't going to work.  

I've been trying to do meditation that addresses the connectedness of all beings, eliminating the separateness that is plaguing me.  That's been helping a bit, but I don't have a magic solution.  I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst, but also while playing the best I can.  If I play my best, then I suppose I have no apologies. I can't control a competition.  I can't rig it, I can't guarantee that I play the best in the group, because I don't believe in the "best."  So how I can I compete? I don't know.  

In Buddhist land, there's a view that "comparison with those who are smarter, more beautiful or more successful than ourselves...tends to breed envy, frustration, and unhappiness." (H.H. Dalai Lama)  In a deeper sense, good competition is with one's self, which is what musicians do every day.  Competition with others is an issue of ego, jealousy, and other unsavory emotions.  I don't like it, but I have to deal with it.  So, I'll continue to work on myself, and try to eradicate those emotions...

Listening to : Belle and Sebastian.

Reading: The God of Small Things

GreenGoodness Day 3

Well, it seems that the proof is in the pudding.  (what an odd saying!) I put on my skinny legged jeans today that are always kinda odd in the waist, mostly because I have no waist.  And they are a bit looser, so I can wear them in public.  Yesterday was definitely killer, but I'm getting the picture-I need to put more food in my smoothies if I'm living off of them.  Yesterday may have been a calorically challenged day, in terms of quantity, but today was much better.  

I had a banana mint/choco/spinach smoothie for breakies, a savory basil/avocado/carrot/romaine smoothie for lunch, and a grapefruit/orange/banana spinach smoothie for dinner.  I can't wait to start chewing more of my food though...

Other cool changes: my skin is clearer, I'm having less cravings, and I'm less sleepy.  I'm still having serious greens cravings- I came home from yoga and ate 4 stalks of celery and a carrot.  I'm a little relieved that this was only a 3 day smoothie fest- I really don't know how people could do this for months!  Maybe it's because I'm out of practice in raw-food land, but I certainly missed my grains.  If I do a similar feast in the future, I'll definitely eat a salad for dinner instead of a smoothie- sometimes eating 8-10 pieces of fruit a day is a little much for me.  Too sweet.  I also like to chew my lettuce, as evidenced by my romaine lettuce cravings last night.  However, I will continue to consume green smoothies every day for breakies, and possible more, depending on my mood.  It certainly is good to fortify your body with lots of minerals and raw plant matter, and I'd like to do so more regularly, although maybe not for 3 days.  1 might be enough.  

In other news, I had my interview to go teach in the Philippines this summer, which would be *awesome* and I hope that pans out.  That would be way cooler than going to Sarasota, for sure.  

Currently listening to: Renaissance music.  Dufay & Ockeghem's greatest Missa hits.

Craving Fulfilled...oddly.

I had a fierce craving for salty things post-elliptical, and sadly, there's not much to be found.  So I just ate 1.5 hearts of Romaine Lettuce raw.  Weird.

Day 2 of Greengoodness

Started off the morning with:

2 oranges

1 frozen banana

water

some frozen cranberries

1 tbsp of coconut oil

romaine hearts

1 tbsp of green powder.

It was a decent, but not amazing smoothie.  Not too sweet though, which is always excellent.  I'm feeling pretty good today, although my body wants something weightier like carbs or something like that.  Hopefully, the million pots of tea and smoothies will fill me up enough.

For lunch, had pretty much the same savory smoothie as yesterday:

carrots

water

basil

collards

tomatoes

1/2 avocado

and some random sprigs of thyme that I don't remember ever buying.

I have had a more difficult time today than yesterday in maintaining the green-ness.  Perhaps because I didn't eat dinner until 7:45, I was starving, had a headache, and am still cranky.  I know the headache may be the detox component of all this, but combined with cravings for chocolate and carbs, it really sucks.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Dinner:

Lots of frozen mango

2 Organic oranges

Water

Oodles of Spinach

2 TBSP of flax seeds.

I will eventually get myself downstairs on the elliptical, even if it kills  me!  But seriously, afterwards, I am rewarding myself with some raw banana-chocolate ice cream.  

In other news, I played the cadenzas I wrote for the Hoffmeister concerto for the venerable Steven Laitz, and he approved of them!  We touched up a few things, and he said they had lots of great thematic elements, and that I have 'good ears.'  I was floating in bliss for a few hours after that.  I have had such a difficult time trying to get myself to write those cadenzas, and I'm so glad he approved.  It certainly was a highlight of today.

Listening to: a little of everything today.

25 Things About Me.

People have been posting this on facebook, but I wanted to also keep it here.

 Here's my 25 things.

1. I don't like driving in the far left lane of the freeway- too close to the wall.

2. I'm a Buddhist in training, a yogi, a former raw foodist, a save-the-world-ist, and general hippie-dippie weirdo that I never thought I'd become.

3. I have to read every night before I go to bed.  No matter what.  (Novels are best.)

4. Glasses look sexy on everyone else but me.  Plastic framed ones are best.

5. I like to look at old people on the subway and imagine what they looked like as kids, teenagers, and young adults.

6. Primary colored accessories and shoes can really brighten one's day.

7. I like making things.  Cooking, crafting, writing...I'm not necessarily good at it, but I love it.

8. I obsessively have to put on chapstick from a tub, not a tube, every 15-20 minutes.

9. I compulsively buy magazines, even though I know I shouldn't.

10. I still wear my retainer every other night to bed.

11. I sometimes feel too privileged and I fear that some great amount of suffering will soon befall me.

12. I love putting things in the dishwasher or doing laundry, but I'm terrible at putting clean things away.

13. If I had to pick between having an herb and vegetable garden, dogs, and a job, and having husband, I wouldn't necessarily pick the latter.  (especially if lavender was involved)

14. Libraries are my favorite places on earth.  Seriously.

15. I start every day with a hot beverage.  If I don't, I never really wake up.

16. I have a passion for popular music that exceeds my enthusiasm for classical music.  This is mildly distressing.

17. I have a perpetual desire to learn.

18. Snow pisses me off. It's pretty if you're inside watching it, but annoying if you're outside.  Rain, on the other hand, is glorious.

19. I secretly procrastinate about stupid things.

20. The last time a guy had a crush on me was when I was 8.  At least, that's the last time I knew about it.

21. I have had at least one pair of converse all-stars every year since I was 6.

22. I am fascinated by Indian culture.  Hinduism, Buddhism, Bollywood, Classical Dance...

23. I think that writing letters to people is the best way to show that I care.  Sending mail is a wonderful opportunity for love.

24. I have eaten a salad almost every day for the last 7 or 8 years.  I like my greens.

25.  I have a tendency to be too sentimental- I often am overwhelmed by the beauty of situations.  I just keep it on the D.L.

*26.*  I apparently have my own special vocabulary of unique words that most other people don't use.  This is what I've been informed of by others.

GreenGoodness: End of Day 1

Wow.  I forgot how *unfilling* raw food is.  I was doing pretty well for 4-5 hours, and then I got super hungry and ate some raisins and carrots.  So I didn't eat entirely liquified for the day, but somehow I feel like 3 organic carrots, a handful of raisins, a piece of dried mango, and 3 sundried tomatoes are NOT going to be the make or break of the day.  I ended up have 2 pots of tea today, as well as two mugs of other tea.  Since I didn't leave the house after noon, post yoga, I just stayed in and practiced all afternoon.  In order to keep from thinking about the raw food crisis, I drank tea.  End of story.  

here's lunch:  Carrot Basil Soupy Smoothie

2 carrots

2 collard green leafy things

handful of basil

half avocado

water

smidge of salt

This was actually quite tasty, despite what it sounds like.  I never used to be into raw soups, but this was quite edible.  I just didn't stay full for too long.  I should probably make more next time.

Dinner was a minty chocolate smoothie:

3 somewhat frozen bananas

Fresh Mint

Water

Spinach 

Raw Chocolate Powder

2 TBSP flax seed

This was quite tasty and has left me quite full for the evening, which is a good sign.  I don't expect incredible miracles from my green binge, but I am just trying to clean things up and feel good.  I did battle some fierce cravings today, especially with packs of rick and vegetables floating around my apartment, but I did a good change resisting, so we're on to tomorrow!

Day 1 of GreenGoodness Smoothies...

After a few weeks of adding green smoothies to my diet (breakfast everyday) I've decided it's time to make a big leap and do what is called a "green smoothie feast."  It's not really a fast, since you're consuming enough calories for a human being (unlike juice fasting...) and your eating lots of yummy things like fruits and vegetables.  The premise of this feasting is to do a detox of processed and cooked foods (which I know I need, even though I've been pretty good so far) and a resetting of one's tastebuds for delicious and healthy foods.  (like plants).   The task is to eat green smoothies for all of one's meals for whatever period of time is appropriate for you.  I am just planning a brief 3 day-er, although some people do this for 45 days!  Since I live in a cold climate and I'm just getting set up, I don't want to be overly ambitious and stretch my time or patience.  (Thus the 3 days).  Anyway, if it goes well, perhaps it's something I'll do for a longer period of time every few weeks or even every week!  

Why green smoothies?  If you go to rawfamily.com, you'll get bombarded by lots of "green" information, but most importantly is Victoria's book 'green for life.'  Basically, she explains how humans do not eat enough greens, how they are a whole other class of vegetables with complete nutritional support, and how our concept of 'vegetable' doesn't really explain the whole wealth of veggies.  (root veggies vs. flowers vs. greens).  A green smoothie basically consists of some fruit, some water (if you're into the vegan thing), and some leafy greens.  The fruit usually covers up the green taste enough that it's just like a normal smoothie, but less sweet.  One can also make savory smoothies or raw soups with tomatoes, greens, celery, etc.  

So here's how today's unfolding so far:

Woke up a 9...overslept, but still made it to yoga in time.

Got back at 11:20, and made 1st green smoothie of the day.

Frozen mangos, 1 banana, 1 tbsp coconut oil, 1 tbsp green powder, some kale leaves.

Some people don't do frozen fruit, but I like my smoothies to have that cold frozen texture-not the watery room temperature thing.  

Anyway, I'm going to make a pot of tea and practice and whatnot, but I'll do an end-of-day post to sum up day 1.

the "Functions of Music"

In my thoroughly fascinating music therapy class, (cough, cough) we're reading about the functions of music as relevant to music therapy.  Strangely enough, there are some really useful nuggets of information in there and I have found it quite interesting.  

"Ethnomusicologist Alan Merriam developed a useful classification of broad categories of music's use in society...He set up categories of 10 functions of music that existed in most cultures.

1) Music as an influence on physical response

2) Music as communication

3) Music as emotional expression

4) Music as symbolic representation

5) Music to enforce conformity to social norms

6) Music to validate social institutions and religious rituals

7) Music to contribute to the continuity and stability of culture

8) Music to contribute to the integration of society

9) Music for aesthetic enjoyment

10) Music for entertainment.  "    -from An Introduction to Music Therapy, pg 53.

Following this list was a more in-depth exploration of what these terms mean, but I think that most people can surmise what was intended by the list.

Some of the other elements of the chapter are about how music uses many different parts of the brain, while requiring many different mental steps.  (attention, memory, retrieval, programming, etc)  It also discusses the emotional, extramusical associations, and other brainy consequences of music, which was equally interesting.  Rather than try to go deep into cognitive musical brain stuff, which I am ill-qualified to discuss, I'll just say that music does some spiffy things.  The concluding bits of the chapter are:  "One advantage in using music is that some type of musical enjoyment or involvement is possible for people of any age...Another aspect is that it is comprised of diverse styles and combinations of sounds from simple to very complex...Another is the many uses of music in society...Music is a pervasive art form that influences our daily lives in many domains (physical, cognition, communication, emotional, and sociocultural)."  

While this chapter doesn't say "music is important because...", it definitely gives some more objective perspectives to the function of music in society, which is exceedingly relevant.

Currently listening to: the New Animal Collective album.  (and I think my neighbors are currently having sex, so I guess I'm listening to that too, but not by choice)