Fighting with metta

(from 1-30-09)

Today, I definitely encountered some obstacles to my goal of being a nice person.  While those who know today's situation would empathize, I still wish I could implement loving-kindness better.

First story: At my B of A, you can cut through the parking lot to get to the ATM.  I've never encountered any problems with this in the last 6 months, so today I cut through, only to stop behind a parked a car at the other side of the driveway.  A short rotund burly man walked by a proceeded to *royally* bitch me out.  He never stopped once to see my reaction or my response.  He went on and on in a really nasty tone how cars speed through the parking lot, endangering his customers, and how he's running a business that we (I!!) am infringing upon.  He went on for a few minutes and I didn't say anything.  I wanted to be really friendly, but he was accusatory, as though I had done it millions of times (about once every two weeks), and he went on and on about how rude it was, how he was fed up with everyone, etc.  It was really painful.  I wanted to be nice, but at the same time, I wanted to scream at him, because I'm not the frequent offender, I'm not someone that does these things too often, and I didn't earn his hatred.  At the end, I said that it was fine, I would pull out of the parking lot, but I added that "you could've told me in a nicer fashion."  As I rolled up my windows and locked my doors, he continued to scream, and I proceeded to leave the parking lot, hoping that he wouldn't attack my car.  I was so shocked by his hostility that I didn't know what to do- I'm rarely accused in such an attacking manner.  As I was pulling out, I thought of Sharon Salzberg...and asked myself what she would do?  She would probably use an anecdote like this in a book, to illustrate a point about hate or pain or something.  I tried to give the crazy parking man some metta as I pulled out, but it was ridiculously hard.  No one had ever told me not to cut through before, and one of the side streets was closed off, so it was a little harder than normal to get there.  

Second story: We had a DREADFUL orchestra rehearsal...the kind that make you want to hide in bed all night and not show up for the concert.  It was really terrible.  Yes, people weren't playing together...but we had a good rehearsal on Wednesday, and maybe people were too tired or something today.  The conductor consistently reamed us for rehearsal, went over by 35 minutes, and then bitched us out, saying that "you shouldn't book things after rehearsals" since a few people left when he ran over.  He also gave us many spiels about how we can't watch, we'll never get a job, how everything is sloppy, nothing is together...  it was really just downer after downer.  It was harsh.  The morale was at an extreme low for the ensemble...so it's hard to imagine what the concert will be like tonight.  Not to mention that we played an extra long rehearsal 2 hours before a concert.  Bad plan, dude.  I tried really hard not to allow the frustration bubble up inside me, but that metta was long gone.  I couldn't really think of any sympathy-earning situations from this conductor, since all three of my concerts this year with him have been depressing yell-at-you type concerts, where the sense of fear is palpable, and each mistake is a new opportunity for humiliation.  (Ben Zander, where are you?  Mistakes!!!!!)  I do worry about the rest of the semester, and the general morale of everyone in the orchestra.  Everyone was either angry or upset...my stand partner looked like she might cry for at least 30 minutes.  I don't know what to do...maybe I'll trying to send some metta to everyone in the orchestra...and maybe the conductor???  

Anyway, it was an opportunity for me to really experience the hate, the pain, that so many Buddhist authors talk about, and to realize how anger is much more difficult to tame than I think.  I have so long to go.   

Currently listening to:  Ugh.  Don't even ask.  This was week 3 in Scheherazade, and I have had that *&#)% #*%&@)!& piece going in and out of my brain.  This weekend will hopefully have purged it from my being.

Does Music Matter?

Does music matter?  That was the "elephant in the room" that was NOT addressed yesterday at Eastman's "Generation E" music conference about entrepreneurship.  My "issues in music" class attended one segment of today's lecture, which was a series of "idea fueling" exercises and activities.  My friend and fellow musician Ben was wondering this very question as we left the conference.  To paraphrase his view, (sorry!) he asked  whether the arts really do matter in the big scheme of things- the world as a whole, world peace, the economy, poverty, etc.  He said, and I agree, that the only way you could even attend such a conference is if you were 110% committed to the importance of music by (mostly) dead (mostly) white (mostly) men.  So my first task, is figuring out, what is the importance of art in our society?  Our economy is down right now, and many of us are wondering, 'have we just put $160,000 down the drain? are there jobs for us, or did we just pursue a dying field?'  So I've decided to do some serious research. Hello Google.

Here are some of the results of my search:

Arts are important because...

They cut across cultural barriers

They integrate mind, body, and spirit.

They provide opportunities for self-expression.

They develop independence and collaboration.

They improve academic achievement.

They exercise and develop higher order thinking skills.

They provide the means for every student to learn.

( courtesy of newhorizons.org)

Let's attack these first.  1) How many of us music students have been to other countries where music has cut across these barriers?  How many of us have experienced this in the US?  I have had only one such experience, in my 22 years of living. 2) Music does this integration, but as a society, we don't necessary place a huge value on this integration.  As a culture, we don't really have an educational system that takes into account mind and spirit combined, and we focus mostly on mind without the other two bits.  3) Self-expression in classical music isn't exactly taught like it might be in visual or dramatic arts.  We are taught to have a good sound, good rhythm, and correct phrasing.  You have to work really hard to put yourself into the creative seat of classical music, unless you improvise or compose.  4) Independence and collaboration are definitely taught in classical music land.  (In fact, we spend so much time alone that we are quite socially awkward.)  But seriously, this is true.  5) Academic achievement: I don't know the stats for this sort of thing, but I do believe it's probably right. 6)Thinking skills: yes, hopefully, musicians have these.  We do have to think about phrasing, sound, playing together, etc.  The question is how many skills we can manage at a given moment.  7) This is the one point that I especially agree with.  As someone working with special needs kids, the arts give them opportunities that typical situations do not.  The arts are not necessarily goal oriented, giving them the chance to develop key skills like coordination, visual tracking, processing, etc.  

What I'm wondering though, is why so little of our professional education gives us the skills to do these things or the opportunities to see the benefits of music as an art.  Now, let's see what google will say about the importance of classical music...

My results are a huge fail.  I instead get basic introductions to classical music and its composers.  Let's reword.  

Apparently, there's a book, "Why Classical Music Still Matters."  Unfortunately, there's no synopsis, so I have no idea what it's about.  Here's a quick quote from a review though.

"Ranging from J.S. Bach to John Adams, the author shows again and again how classical music participates in the exploration of subjectivity, the conquest of time and mortality, the harmonization of humanity and technology, the cultivation of attention, and the liberation of human energy."  

Great.  But don't the other arts do that too?   Isn't "Metropolis" about exploring the harmonization of humanity and technology?  Aren't Jackson Pollack's paintings liberations of human energy?  What makes classical music special?  Apparently, I'm asking a question that no one wants to answer.

I also can find other articles and books on similar subjects such as "Who killed Classical Music?" and articles about the slow death of classical music in America.  One author suggests that classical music is dying because less people are exposed to it, therefore making less personal and spiritual connections to the art itself.  He instead advocates more education at a young age for all children.  I guess the truth of the matter is that no one really knows the value of classical music in the big scheme of life, and that we must all possess a blind faith that what we do is important and meaningful.  How can we make music more meaningful in society?  How can we feel more fulfilled?  These are all questions I'll continue to ponder, and probably pester others to answer.   

On harmony

So, this week, I decided to appease a select few's constant nagging and look at online dating, just to see what the fuss is about.  As someone with limited real-life canoodling experience, i was definitely intimidated, but I figured, "hell, this is anonymous, and I'll probably never meet these people anyway..."  So i gave it a four day trial.

Sunday:  I filled out a really long survey.  Like 30 minutes long.  About my reactions to stress, my abilities to communicate, my likes and dislikes, my activities, my religious preferences, my racial preferences (?), my height preferences, my personal view of my appearance, etc.  I felt pretty bruised afterwards-I kept asking myself questions afterwards like "Do i respond to stress "well" or "somewhat"?  Do I approve of my appearance "well" or "somewhat"?  I was totally weirded out by the whole questions.  (Am I highly self-critical if I say things like, "I feel 'somewhat' ok about my appearance?)    Within a few hours, an array of matches popped up which were supposed to be linked by "29 Dimensions of Personality."  I didn't bother to read my matches until the next morning.

Monday: 7 or 8 matches...  I was really nervous about reading these people's profiles.  Would they be able to see my profile?  What would they think of my profile? AH!  But then, I read the profiles, and I wasn't too worried.  There were people with interests that either matched listening to music, cooking, or reading.  However, some of the consequences were strange.  They liked to read, but they liked to read...John Grisham!  (fail, epic fail.)  They liked to cook, but they like to...hunt!  (triple fail).  They like to listen to music but they like Pearl Jam, ACDC, or Dreamtheater!  (not going there).  So at least for today, these suckers didn't do much for me.

Wednesday:  oooh!!!  Some really good matches today.  My fav's were a graphic designer from Ithaca, a pharmacist from Pennsylvania with a penchant for vegetarian food, and the grand winner...(wait for it, wait for it) Shiva! (a Buddhist Indian vegan!).  I find out that some of these people have initiated "contact" with me by asking generic questions like "what last 5 books have you read?" "What do your friends not know about you?" I come up with a variety of good answers, but I decide not to respond, because I'm terrified.  But I'm so entertained by "Shiva" that I chuckle all day.

Thursday: I decide to actually fill out responses to these gentlemen callers, but I have recurring worries.  What if they ask about my former boyfriends?  What if I have to go on dates?   These and other scary thoughts begin to permeate my consciousness.  But...I fill out the responses and get ready to send them off, when I find out that I can't communicate with my matches without giving eharmony my soul, i mean my money.  And hell, this shit ain't cheap!  For 12 months in advance, you're paying 20 a month, and it gets more $$$ depending on how many months you pay for.  (1 month- 60, 3 months-40, etc)   At that, I quickly decided I needed to discontinue my little adventure, because otherwise, i'd be tempted to subscribe, and I have no money, or at least no money for this sort of thing right now.  It was fun to create an online persona that actually attracted viewers, but unfortunately, I don't have the courage or the $$$ to fulfill this sort of thing.  I also have such a fear of going on dates with strangers, that perhaps this wouldn't be the best route for me right now.

Verdict:  Eharmony might work for people with some cha-ching in their lives, however, for this girl, who doesn't date much, it might not work out too well.  But it did boost my self-confidence for a few days!

Currently listening to: Viva la Vida by Coldplay and Yann Tiersen.

New School Semester Resolutions!

Yes- I realize that New Year's was a while ago, but I never feel like a New Year's begun until the first day of class, which happened yesterday.  (And what a day it was!  I accidentally woke up at 4:30 AM and couldn't fall asleep and was quite miserable for a bit of the morn.  Fortunately, last night I got a delicious 10 hours in, so I'm recovering just fine.)  I've been thinking about crafting my resolutions for a while now, since I've had so long, and here are some of my thoughts...

Behavioral Resolutions

1) I will try to be more conversational and friendly with people I don't know, whether they are clerks or waitresses, or classmates that I'm not as familiar with.  Conversation can really brighten people's days.

2) I will procrastinate less.  (In fact, I'm procrastinating practicing right now...but this needs to get done.)  I will be more proactive about things that I find annoying- calling people back when I'm busy, making sure that important mail gets addressed, etc.

3) I will seriously consider my expenditures and thoughtfully address what is most important and not buy things that are too superfluous.  (yoga- important.  Reiki training for $200?  Wait till summer.  Salt lamps?  Maybe later).  

4) I will continue to reduce my "carbon footprint" by using LESS plastic, and reading about ways to improve my lifestyle.

5) I will eat more green things, even when it's 15 degrees and I really want Cream of tomato soup.  (First step, green smoothie challenge for a month.  I'm on day 3.  Each day, have a green smoothie, i.e. fruit + leafy greens)

6) I will try to listen more carefully to my body as to what I should eat and how much.

7) I will try harder to keep in touch with far-flung friends.

8) I will be less fearful of the phone and calling people.

9) I will do my homework.  (I got away with a pretty scant workload last semester, and still got all A's.  But my conscience isn't entirely clear.)

10) ...

Personal Revolutions/Resolutions

1) Go to Zen training in February.  Start meditating regularly.

2) Cook More delicious plant things.  Less eating out.

3) More red wine. And white wine.  Less other drinks.

4) More yoga classes if I can afford it.

5) Keep cultivating lovingkindness.

6) Meditate everyday.  

7) Be less scared.

8) Be proactive.

9) Be happy, damn it.

10) Clean the house more.  Less clutterfuck.

Currently listening to:  Nothing.  Trying to make recordings for bang on a can.  will listen to something soon though.

Leaving Home

Three weeks ago, *exactly*, to the day, the hour, etc. I was in the very same spot I am now- the JFK airport terminal.  Much has transgressed on this three week break- lots of family bonding, some good reading, interesting films, and certainly not enough practicing.   I am springing into action tomorrow, I swear!  Right after I sleep in...

I love my parents- not in that "leave it to beaver" societally expected love, but a strangely authentic love.  For two adults in their fifties, my parents are quite uncanny- my mom still uses  cartoon voices when addressing my father or myself, and she has a special voice for the cats that is neither whiney nor annoying, which is usually how those things are.  They have a fine love for food and the good life, whether good books, good movies, or nice clothes.  (Not nice in the NYC sense of nice- no Gucci in my house- just nice looking things that might be dirt cheap).  They are not overly affectionate people, and rather than saying, "we love you honey, we'll miss you" they do it through their actions, which in many ways is more puzzling, but more enigmatic and fun.  My mom loves to shop, even if we don't buy much, and she loves going to the library.  (we did that 3 times in 3 weeks- all in my favorite library in the world: the Los Angeles Public Library.  7 stories of literary deliciousness and architectural reminiscences)  My dad loves to do 'cultural' things like go to museums, see artsy movies, go to bookstores, and get strange ethnic food, usually paired with a divine wine.  I suppose I have a somewhat strange relationship with my parents.  Most people my age aren't nearly as close with their 'rents as I am, but they were my best friends for so long that it's what we slip into whenever I return.  For most of high school, I was a relatively miserable person with few friends and a very minimal social life, at least compared to my life during college.  I rarely if ever went on on weekends or evenings, and did work all the time.  Thus, my parents became my constant companions, for better or worse.  However, I actually made friends in college, so it's always strange to return to my former life, since I have few if any friends still in pasadena.  I whined about high school for so long, but I guess it ultimately made me have a good relationship with my parents, which I really appreciate now as I visit them more rarely.  If I wasn't the lonely recluse before, I probably wouldn't have the same strange discourse with them, watching sesame street while cleaning, listening to george michael's "last christmas" for the 20 thousandth time with my mom, going for hour long walks every day.  (by the way, all knowledge of 80's music stems from my momo's inability to remember that the eighties have come...and GONE.  Tears for fears, anyone?)

The only catch is that after a while it's a little stifling- I long for privacy, for the opportunity to read a book without being asked what I'm reading, or listen to music without feeling guilty, or eat "weird" food.  I could never live with my parents again, which some people do, because if I did, I would most certainly annihilate any chance of a social life.  But it's always nice while it lasts, and it's always fun to return to the echoes of my past, and slip into a life I once inhabited.

I am so lucky though.  I only hope that everyone else I know can cultivate positive relationships with their families before it's too late.  

Currently listening to:  well...lots.  Fleet Foxes, Mates of State, M.I.A., and lots of other goodies.

A New Years Rant

Alas, my stay in California has been sans internet, aside from my phone. My neighbors used to have wireless, but they have moved, leaving me to use my parents' archaic dial-up AOL connection, which is slower than my iphone... Troubling, eh? However, I'm just brimming with musings from the last few weeks, which will probably explodify by the time I return to NY.

1st order of business: Moving away from California has finally given me the ability to appreciate it. For the last 3-4 years of living here, I felt stifled by my school, frustrated by my parents, and totally screwed by my lack of friends. I hated the weather, I hated my schools, and I was unhappy with my pseudo-friends. But now, 4.5 years later, it's really not so bad. Yes, my house does not have heat, which means that practicing sucks, I have 5 blankets on the bed, and I often walk around with chattering teeth. But that's just at night. My house is small and cozy, with brightly colored walls, and cute decorations, and delightful gardens. It is filled to the brim with books and magazines, and frogs. (my mum collections frog shit, my dad and i call it) My parents are quite excellent in medium sized bits (2-3 weeks is best) and my cats are well behaved. Sometimes you have to leave somewhere to finally understand it. California is a conflicted state: there are yuppie socialites in the south and superficial hollywood mavens, lower class laborers and normal folk in the middle, and the best in liberal thinkers in the north. It's pretty much its own country. I used to hate this one demographic: the wealthy socialite married to a doctor/lawyer who gives their gorgeous offspring land rovers/mercedes benz for their 16th birthday. Now I see that it is such a small demographic of what California has that it's really not so bad anymore. I was just drowning in the mind pollution, the fitness magazines, the desire to skinnier, prettier- anything other than what you are. I only now have been able to reflect a little on that.

2nd order of business: New Year's is a fake holiday and I have never really liked it. Ok, shoot me- it's an excuse for most people to party hardcore, and maybe I'm just jealous. I live in Pasadena, the home of the Rose parade and Rose Bowl, and every New Years, at least 1 million people come for the parade and the game, leaving their trash and bad manners behind. On New Years Eve, I've been hit by tortillas and silly string while driving by these vagrants, and I've had eggs thrown at my car. Then comes the parade: I know it's a great source of revenue for the city...1 million people have to buy a few things I suppose, but the parade is run by people who are not really contemporary in their thought processes.Every year, a court of Rose princesses are chosen for their elocution, looks, and grades, and I'm always amazed that every year the girls have flawless skin, are a size 6 or less, and are relatively boring. Such an archaic practice depresses me, and I'm waiting for a transvestite to try out for the position. On one hand, it is an affirming thing to empower young women and congratulate them for their academic merits and community involvement. Yet, I feel that the contest must be slightly biased, because apparently, plain looking girls don't get good grades or bake cookies for old folks. I have always been annoyed by their tradition, and for the record, didn't even bother trying out a) because I wouldn't win b) because i'm neither thin nor beautiful enough. Anyway, I don't know that I'd really want to go to Disneyland to hang out with the USC football team. That's a little weird. Aside from my feminist rant, the whole parade gets a bit old. You've seen one flower covered robot, you've seen them all. The themes are all pretty innocuous, but it's just flowers smooshed onto mechanical devices. It was cool when I was 7, but I'm over it. I'm amazed that millions of people worldwide wake up to watch the parade when it's the SAME every year. There's like 30 marching bands, a bunch of equestrian teams, some floats about such original tenets as "friendship" and "caring," and a couple of vintage cars. One day soon, hopefully, I will not be here for the parade- maybe I'll be in New York, or Boston, or anywhere else. If New Years is about change, about growth, and about resolutions, I'd rather not perpetuate the feelings of the Rose Parade.
But, in other news, 2009 is upon us, and we have almost reached a decade in a new millenium! That is quite exciting. Our economy is dreadful, businesses all over are failing, and we have named a man named Obama to be our political, social, economic, and spiritual messiah. I hope that his presidency isn't too rough, since everything is dreadful right now. (Polaroids are gone! All is lost.) The road to the apocalypse is paved with plastic bags, styrafoam, and landfills. Our planet is in need, no one has money, and we need to stop blowing things up. So let's just hope that Obama can be all that we want him to be, and that we can do all the things we want to, from losing weight, to loving more. There's nothing better to do anyway.