Religious Reticence

Let's face it- religion scares me. Not just any religion, but religions with scary implications, like Islam, Christianity, and Scientology, as well as any religious sect that tells its followers what to do precisely. As someone who grew up without any religion or religious background, I've always found Western religions to be somewhat puzzling, frightening, and intimidating. Here's some reasons why:

1) The sight of Jesus on the cross is a bit...well...frightening. There's a lot of suffering conveyed in that image- couldn't Jesus be a little happier? Why does he have to look so awful in every depiction, and why do people have to wear it around their necks? I know Christianity is about suffering, but it's about love too, isn't it?

2) Sunday school has always struck me as odd, even when I was a child and my friends went. It's a bit strange to have children color religious pictures and sing religious songs when they are not entirely aware of what's going on. I just never know what to make of it.

3) If religions are generally about love and care for other people, why do so few people practice that? Let's make a plan to do it, eh?Jesus was into caring, I bet Buddha was, and I imagine prophets didn't mind it as a principle.

4) It's always been hard for me to fathom scriptures where the body of text is fantastical, and yet people take it literally. I remember asking my dad once, 'so people really believe this stuff happened?' Now, I'm a little wiser, and I can see the metaphorical and symbolic beauty of these tales, but still...

Because of this experience with some other religions, I'm reticent to say "I'm a Buddhist." Or, "I just went on a Buddhist retreat." I find myself having to explain what I did or why I respect TNH because I don't want other people to think, "Oh, she's religious." That's a label with a lot of weight in our present day society, and it's not one that I'm ready to bear. I also feel like a sham because I'm not born into this philosophical phenomenon, and I almost feel like I'm stealing 1960's baby boomers' thunder. (Dharma Bums?) I myself have been able to get over this religious bias I have, mostly because I have met some truly wonderful, kind, and loving people of a wide range of religious backgrounds. While I would not necessarily want to subscribe to their religious beliefs, most of them have turned out ok in the long run, so religious-ness does not necessarily equate with "conservative-closed-minded-weirdo" as it does for so many. However, I realize that I am not exactly the norm in this thought process. Am I just a white yuppie from California "exploring" some hippie philosophy, or is it ok if this religious and spiritual tradition happens to resonate with me? I don't have the answers, and I don't know what to think of it.

For now, I'm a closet Buddhist.