Competitions and Unpleasant Emotions

I used to be competitive, back when I was more self-assured about my playing and my existence in general.  But now, I'm afraid of them.  I don't like massaging my ego with competitiveness- I don't like the way it feels to "want" to win, to want to be the best.  Mostly, because I don't think that anyone can be the best at music.  You can have the best intonation, or sound, or interpretation, but I feel like music is so interpretive that distilling it down really saps it of its individualist nature.  I had a bad experience with a concerto competition in high school: I was the concertmaster of my youth orchestra, and my stand partner won the competition, I placed third.  I was so upset that I wanted to step down from my principal position.  When we got the comments from the judges, two of them said that they didn't feel like my piece was appropriate, that it wasn't showy enough.  I had played the first movement of the Barber violin concerto, and I was so angry that I could've screamed.  My stand partner had played part of the Lalo Symphonie Espagnole.  She was a great player, and I respected her abilities, but the whole experience really ruined my vantage point on competitions.  It's great if you're on top, but if you're not, then you are judged on your losses.  I always felt like 2nd best after that competition, like I had something to prove to everyone, and I hated it.  I ultimately disliked my orchestra experience for the rest of the year, and was put off from doing that sort of thing for a while.

I worry that this competition could be the same.  I'm really worried about what winning or losing will do to my friendships with people.  I don't want people to judge me as being a significantly worse player than whomever wins, which is why I was hesitant to do the competition in the first place.  It still worries me.  I don't mind if I lose, since I don't feel like I play this piece amazingly.  I'm more worried about the consequences of my actions.  I know that I should just think about playing my best, and not worry about everything else, since it will eventually pass, but it's really hard.  I don't want to wish for someone else to fail either.  I want a group tie, which isn't going to work.  

I've been trying to do meditation that addresses the connectedness of all beings, eliminating the separateness that is plaguing me.  That's been helping a bit, but I don't have a magic solution.  I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst, but also while playing the best I can.  If I play my best, then I suppose I have no apologies. I can't control a competition.  I can't rig it, I can't guarantee that I play the best in the group, because I don't believe in the "best."  So how I can I compete? I don't know.  

In Buddhist land, there's a view that "comparison with those who are smarter, more beautiful or more successful than ourselves...tends to breed envy, frustration, and unhappiness." (H.H. Dalai Lama)  In a deeper sense, good competition is with one's self, which is what musicians do every day.  Competition with others is an issue of ego, jealousy, and other unsavory emotions.  I don't like it, but I have to deal with it.  So, I'll continue to work on myself, and try to eradicate those emotions...

Listening to : Belle and Sebastian.

Reading: The God of Small Things