Let's be honest, folks-this new year has definitely sucked. In more ways than I would like to count. I spent the first 6 weeks of my miami time trying to get people to realize that I was still there-that I wasn't just a regular sub, and yes, I was here last week and the week before that. I've finally got that covered-over half of the orchestra has stopped completely ignoring me in the hallways, and that's a relief. Granted, I still spend many of my evenings by myself, and I don't get invited to do things all that often, but at least I'm not being ignored every day like the first few weeks. It was really hard to leave Boston mid-school-year, and then join things down here mid-season, and not get properly introduced to anyone. On one hand, I don't blame people for ignoring me-I always sit in the last two stands of the viola section, I don't have a mailbox, or an ID card, I'm not in the programs, and I'm never in anything special, in terms of smaller ensemble stuff. I'm sort of in limbo-I have one of the teeniest rooms, and I'm permanently viola #7-8, depending on the week. (This week, two people are absent, so I no longer have to sit directly in front of the trumpets, and I'll be viola #6.) I was pretty much socially fucked down here, which was even more frustrating because I live in a dorm, in which everyone knows everyone else's business. So I could hear lots of other people being social, but I was (and mostly am) not still part of it. I had just spent a few fabulously busy, stressful, and socially awesome months in Boston, in which I was very comfortable, working with teachers that I'd known for many years, and having friends from different parts of my life. (NEC undergrad time, eastman time, new NEC friends, banff friends, etc.) It was actually pretty excellent, in many ways, obviously not in all ways though. I wasn't practicing enough, I was working too much, and I was eating sporadically. I just didn't feel that great about my playing (and I still don't) and I know now that I need to actually work on that part. To leave such a comfortable environment, complete with a lovely mischievous cat, made January hellish, at best. February came, with promises of Boston, which were still excellent, despite many unforseen hurdles (friend's grandmother dying, mediocre auditions, weird interactions with some of my friends). The trip back from Boston was hard-I cried the evening before I left, and not just because I was having drinks with friends. I knew that this time, my trip to South Beach was the long hall-a good 12 weeks, and I wouldn't see most of my good friends for that entire duration, and quite frankly, that scared the crap out of me. All of these things combine to make me moody and sulky, and perplexed about how to make things better. I've taken the first step though-I've let New World know that I'm not returning next season, and that I'd like to finish my b.s. degree at NEC. And boy does that feel good.
I know that happiness is as much a state of mind, as well as a reaction to current events. You can be happy in shitty times, and you can be sad in what would be construed as awesome times (me! me!). I'm working on that, as best I can. Now I can see the light at the end of the sunny tropical tunnel, and I know that everything will be ok. Yes, there are still some very rude and snarky girls here, and there are still a good 15 people that completely ignore me, no matter what the situation. However, I'm ready to deal with that, and I'm ready to deal with myself-my issues, my occasional performance anxiety, and my fears. (more on that another time). It's time to make this South Beach time about me-it's definitely not going to be about anyone else. It's time to work on some musical projects that will really make me happy, to set goals that will make this situation more bearable, if not pleasant.
Musical Goals: learn and record violin phase (duh, on viola) by May
learn a few movements of Kurtag 'signs, games, and messages'
start serious work on the Bach D Minor Violin Partita!
perfect the tricky Garth Knox pizzicato etude
have a few lessons with Ralph Fielding
Life goals: run a 5k in march, run a 10k in April or May
yoga class 2-3 times a week
Work on gaining confidence in audition and performance situations
and lastly, believing in myself, and my worth as a human being. Sappy, but always a relevant problem for me.
6 comments:
so are you sorry you accepted the offer to go down to new world at all? that is the one question i forgot to ask you. perhaps you understand why it's so crucial to so many to get high as much as possible down there...make it bearable :P
Do I regret it? Yes and no. In the end, no. I tend to believe that every intense struggle, whether musical, personal, or internal, leads to a huge breakthrough. My times at Eastman were sometimes awful, but I ended up making huge strides in my playing and my awareness. The same will most likely be true here. Even though I do get mopey sometimes, being here has brought a heightened awareness of 1) what I need to be happy 2) what I value most in music 3) what I want in a career. Being in school, or just being in the same experience year to year prevents that sort of deep delving. Has it been easy? Hell no. If anything, the opposite. I just feel big changes beginning to happen within, and I think a rainbow after the storm scenario is beginning to unfold.
aww, you're so corny...and i love you. <333
You know it's true! Shitty things lead to greatness, and you're no exception! Pretty much everything that I feared has actually happened in the last 3 months: 1) social issues here 2) not getting into tmc 3) not heard from boy since boston 4) not feeling great about my playing. So now that the worst has happened, it can only get better, right? Right.
Kmizzle! I'm so sorry that things aren't great, fantastic, magical, and all things positive for you right now. I completely understand the social isolation - I'm going through it this very moment. Knowing you, though, I bet you'll turn this experience into something constructive. Miss you bunches. Somewhere, someday, I'll run into you, and it will be glorious!
Thanks Norbs! Things are already looking up from last week, so things are looking promising in the coming two months. :)
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