Dear Christian Bale,

I have always loved you.  I'm not one of those females who suddenly fell in love with you when you started doing crappy actions movies and speaking in a monotone husky voice.  No!  I liked you way back, when you were rocking "Newsies," quite possibly one of the most delightful Disney musicals ever.  (At least compared to the current musicals they do.  Hannah Montana the movie? I think not).  But Newsies?  That was great.  Granted, I was 6 when that movie came out, but I loved it at the time.  Now I realize there's a bit of an age difference between us, but I'll just keep loving your movies from 10 years ago, and prefer the past to the present, and then it's not so bad is it?  Let's look at your cinematic past:

Empire of the Sun: You stole my heart with your adorable British accent.  You were how old? 13?  My hear is still clapping.

Newsies:  I need not repeat myself.  You were dreamy at 18, and you sang and danced.

Little women: As usual, Winona Ryder gets ALL of the hearthrobs.  Johnny Depp, the dude from Mermaids, Christian Slater.   And she didn't choose to marry you in this movie.  Her loss.  It was probably your long hair.  It wasn't really flattering.  Fortunately, this 1994 magazine cover shows your hunkiness to its fullest.

 Velvet Goldmine: Yum.  Not only did I get to watch you get corrupted, but I also got to watch Ewan McGregor and John Rhys-Meyers.  You still have a preference for real movies during this time, movies in which your brains and your beauty are showcased-not your rippling muscles.

Midsummer Night's Dream: You showcased your attempts at a thespian future with Shakespeare, and did ok.  Your character was obnoxious, but that wasn't entirely your fault.

American Psycho: Your claim to fame.  You got to show your ephemeral beauty at its finest- the guise of a madman.  Your penchant for accents finally won you a non-British part of substance, and it was awesome.  Combining a hot man with an instrument of murder is surprisingly sexy-just don't invite me to your place anytime soon, Mr. Bateman.  And you actually did a great job acting, not just looking foxy.

Shaft: This was the first of many action films to come, a harbinger of your ill-fated future of apocalyptic universes, the supernatural, and jumping off of buildings.  I should've known better.

Now, I've never seen Laurel Canyon or Reign of Fire, but anything involving you and dragons makes me want to stay away.

Equilibrium: Another sci-fi action movie.  I'm sensing a pattern here, pal.

The Machinist: While I don't remember much about this movie, I do remember that you were good in it, and you lost tons of weight to look awful, and everyone loves when actors mess with their bodies for the sake of "art."  I'll have to check it out again.  At least it's not an action movie.

Batman Begins: This is the role you've been waiting for.  The opportunity to canoodle with Katie Holmes.  The chance to speak in monotone.  The chance to get ripped and hang out with Michael Caine.  Just remember, Batman is never the star.  Just look at all the other actors: Val Kilmer, George Clooney...Batman never has good writing or good lines.  Watch as you get typecast for all action movies...starting NOW!

I haven't seen Rescue Dawn or Harsh Times, so I can't really talk about those.

The Prestige: Great movie.  David Bowie? Yes.  Hugh Jackman?  Please.  And you?  Sounds like a winner, a reminder that you can act without violence and explosions involved.

3:10 to Yuma: a western action movie.  Need I say more?

The Dark Knight: I know, I know.  Heath Ledger stole the show.  But really, couldn't you have at least tried to act?  It's like the more people you rescue and the more muscles you chisel, the less brains and nuance you have.  Really disappointing, especially when you spend most of the movie in costume, and I can't blame your bad acting on your looks.  Aaron Eckhart did a much better job than you did.  Are you losing your touch?

Terminator: Salvation: Another f*cking action movie?  Whatever happened to real movies?  Dramas?  movies where you didn't kill people or save them from killers?   Do you remember those movies?  

So, you can see, Mr Bale, I've really lost faith in your abilities.  You've slowly lost your ability to be in movies where you don't beat the crap out of people or save them from the forthcoming apocalypse.  If you reconsider your cinematic choices, maybe I can love you again.  But until then, I'm giving me affections to someone else, someone who can return my affections with a better acting job.  (John Cusack?  Anton Yelchin? the guy from Twilight? Oh wait, I was talking about acting skills.  Harry Potter?)  So you can see, you've got to step up your game.  Bring it on-I'll be waiting.

love,

kayleigh