You Can't Always Get What You Want. (Nor do you get what you need!)

Ahem, so this week, on the Kayleigh show, we saw Kayleigh get stricken by flu, grumpiness, insomnia, congestion, and continue to battle wrist pain-on both sides of her wrist, this time!  And what for?  Hmm...she continued to worry about money (which inevitably makes her think about donating her plasma or her eggs), bemoan her inability to play for more than 20-30 minutes a day, and salivate over David Bowie (despite his uneven pupils).  She has convinced herself that this school year has been the worst ever (at least during college), and she disapproves of the lumpy state of her man legs.  It's been almost 4 weeks since she's been to a yoga class, and 3.5 since the injury.  And it sucks.  All of it.

      Perhaps I have been reading too many novels written by women.  This is rather PMS worthy and grumpy, but it certainly expresses the inner sentiments currently.  I hate being injured- I feel so weak and helpless, a role I don't take to well, and I feel lazy and worthless, since I can't practice at the level of everyone else.  I will have to admit defeat soon, and most likely cancel my jury, which makes me very frustrated, since I spent most of this year preparing for it, and I wanted to kick arse.  For every really good thing that has happened, either in my personal musical progress, something bad or almost worse has occurred.  (I play really well in a competition...a freshman wins and everyone is angry.)  I'm so sick and tired of everything falling apart!  My body, my appliances, my teapots...why can't everything just be ok?  For once?

      Because good things don't always happen to good people.  During my visit with the flu, I watched 6 movies in 2 days, resulting in the resurgence of my love for James McAvoy (of "Atonement" fame).  But, I digress.  Look at the movie "Becoming Jane."  While it is still a movie, it is true that Jane Austen, queen of all things amorous, never found her Mr. Darcy.  She who has inspired thousands of young women to be strong and courageous, to speak their minds...she never found the love of an equal that she strongly advocated.  She didn't have her happy ending.  Not only did this movie make me extremely sad, but it made me feel absolutely terrible for Jane, to have suffered so much by being female.  (It probably didn't help that I watched "Milk" earlier, which also made me cry.)  Deep inside my lacquered exterior, I do believe in my Mr. Darcy, and it hurts so much when things don't work out like so in life or in fiction.  I want to be a fierce violist, a good cook, a witty conversationalist, a confident women with good legs, and right now, I just feel like a pale shell of those things.  

The injury has certainly affected my mood and energy level- I spent the first two weeks napping every day, even though I slept 8-9 hours a night.  Even now, I'm a bit sleepy, despite my 8.5 hours of sleep last night.  I've been lethargic and antisocial- only leaving the apartment to drop off books at the library or go to the market.  I'm so tired of this way of life...what happened to my life before?  This is a relaxing life, but so meaningless and dull.  I'm a prisoner of my own house, and I don't like it.  

So no, you can't always get what you want.  And is this what I need?  I hope not.  It's hard to be optimistic sometimes, and today, I just can't do it.  Maybe tomorrow.

Listening to: the dears, the Islands, the new Decemberists album.