Who am I?: Musings on "natural" deodorant and toothpaste and identity.

Who am I? - It's a question rife with material to feed a good therapy session for many a year. How can I (or you!) define ourselves when we have no constant personality which is unchanging? The way I am today is not how I am tomorrow, who I am today may not be who I am next Wednesday at Noon (hopefully I'll play more in tune by then). One of the challenges of this whole sucky injury process is that I've had to toss out my identities one by one, as my injury has impeded my ability at said activity. In Buddhist tradition, you are usually taught of "no-self" in that you are part of all things, and that the body and mind are just temporary trappings of this lifetime. It's ultimately the connection of you and me to all things; the idea that all things are truly interconnected. But really, in day to day life, how is that lofty ideal applicable? I haven't figured that out yet.

I am blonde, have wobbly bits, freckles on my hands, short toes, pencil lead in my right knee, etc. But I am not any of those things. Those are all changing states dependent on the body, the corporeal shell that houses other evanescent things. I used to think that I: played in tune, was strong, never got hurt, was a yogini, etc. Except I've had to can these labels, and reexamine who or what I am. Each day, I am relearning how to play the viola, so I definitely DO NOT play in tune, nor do I have an amazing left hand, since it currently still sucks, so that identity is gone. I'm obviously not as strong as I thought, since I suffered a knee injury, low back injury, tendonitis, and foot pain, all in the last 365 days. I never had notable pains before last year. I haven't done the yoga thing much, due to the paw. Most of the identities that I clung to are gone. I don't have an identity right now, or at least not one that's consistent. One day, I think I sound horrible, the next, someone compliments me on something, and wants to take a lesson with me. One day, m

y knee is feeling good, the next day, not so much. Everything is constantly changing: my body, my mind, my abilities or lack thereof, my behavior, and I have nothing to cling to. Without my vestiges of pride, I have had to absorb myself in the playing of others, helping others to improve, while slowly developing mine. I have had to sacrifice these identities to become something else, someone who allows each day, each emotion, each hurdle, to unfold as it will, and not to let it get in the way. Everything follows its own laws, and control freaks like me cannot control everything anymore. We never could.

In other news, I am on the search for a natural deodorant that leaves me feeling approachable. I am currently on the prowl, because I have conflicting feelings about the whole antiperspirant/deodorant thing. On one hand, antiperspirant is great for sports, hot days, performing, etc, when we all get shweaty. However, there are some questionable ingredients in antiperspirant, like aluminum and other goodies, which may cause cancer. (like everything!) But natural deodorant is a good idea in principle, except I feel like I have to reapply it every 5 hours if I want people to talk to me ever again. Maybe I'm a sweaty person. I don't know. The same is true for toothpaste. I know there is less junk in Tom's Toothpaste, but my teeth just don't feel as clean! Maybe it's the lack of baking soda or something, but my toothpaste just hasn't been cutting it. I want my teeth to feel sparkling clean and delicious, and frankly, they feel pretty weak after a scrubbing with Tom's. How can I save the planet, buy things that aren't going to cause cancer, and still have halfway decent breath and not reek? These are the issues I grapple with when I'm not bemoaning my intonation or identity.

Listening to: David Bowie. Because he's AWESOME.