Fighting with metta

(from 1-30-09)

Today, I definitely encountered some obstacles to my goal of being a nice person.  While those who know today's situation would empathize, I still wish I could implement loving-kindness better.

First story: At my B of A, you can cut through the parking lot to get to the ATM.  I've never encountered any problems with this in the last 6 months, so today I cut through, only to stop behind a parked a car at the other side of the driveway.  A short rotund burly man walked by a proceeded to *royally* bitch me out.  He never stopped once to see my reaction or my response.  He went on and on in a really nasty tone how cars speed through the parking lot, endangering his customers, and how he's running a business that we (I!!) am infringing upon.  He went on for a few minutes and I didn't say anything.  I wanted to be really friendly, but he was accusatory, as though I had done it millions of times (about once every two weeks), and he went on and on about how rude it was, how he was fed up with everyone, etc.  It was really painful.  I wanted to be nice, but at the same time, I wanted to scream at him, because I'm not the frequent offender, I'm not someone that does these things too often, and I didn't earn his hatred.  At the end, I said that it was fine, I would pull out of the parking lot, but I added that "you could've told me in a nicer fashion."  As I rolled up my windows and locked my doors, he continued to scream, and I proceeded to leave the parking lot, hoping that he wouldn't attack my car.  I was so shocked by his hostility that I didn't know what to do- I'm rarely accused in such an attacking manner.  As I was pulling out, I thought of Sharon Salzberg...and asked myself what she would do?  She would probably use an anecdote like this in a book, to illustrate a point about hate or pain or something.  I tried to give the crazy parking man some metta as I pulled out, but it was ridiculously hard.  No one had ever told me not to cut through before, and one of the side streets was closed off, so it was a little harder than normal to get there.  

Second story: We had a DREADFUL orchestra rehearsal...the kind that make you want to hide in bed all night and not show up for the concert.  It was really terrible.  Yes, people weren't playing together...but we had a good rehearsal on Wednesday, and maybe people were too tired or something today.  The conductor consistently reamed us for rehearsal, went over by 35 minutes, and then bitched us out, saying that "you shouldn't book things after rehearsals" since a few people left when he ran over.  He also gave us many spiels about how we can't watch, we'll never get a job, how everything is sloppy, nothing is together...  it was really just downer after downer.  It was harsh.  The morale was at an extreme low for the ensemble...so it's hard to imagine what the concert will be like tonight.  Not to mention that we played an extra long rehearsal 2 hours before a concert.  Bad plan, dude.  I tried really hard not to allow the frustration bubble up inside me, but that metta was long gone.  I couldn't really think of any sympathy-earning situations from this conductor, since all three of my concerts this year with him have been depressing yell-at-you type concerts, where the sense of fear is palpable, and each mistake is a new opportunity for humiliation.  (Ben Zander, where are you?  Mistakes!!!!!)  I do worry about the rest of the semester, and the general morale of everyone in the orchestra.  Everyone was either angry or upset...my stand partner looked like she might cry for at least 30 minutes.  I don't know what to do...maybe I'll trying to send some metta to everyone in the orchestra...and maybe the conductor???  

Anyway, it was an opportunity for me to really experience the hate, the pain, that so many Buddhist authors talk about, and to realize how anger is much more difficult to tame than I think.  I have so long to go.   

Currently listening to:  Ugh.  Don't even ask.  This was week 3 in Scheherazade, and I have had that *&#)% #*%&@)!& piece going in and out of my brain.  This weekend will hopefully have purged it from my being.