Vampire Weekday, or Please Don't Talk To Me, I'm Busy Watching My Celebrity Crush

As many of you know, I went to Toronto on Tuesday for a most excellent concert by one of my favorite bands, Vampire Weekend. My love for specific bands usually goes in 1-2 month chunks- I'll get really obsessed with something for a while, then move on and temporarily forget about them, and rediscover them a few months later. Such is the case with many of my favorite groups, including V.W. My boss at the Boston Public Library first introduced them to me in the summer of 2008, so there are songs that I strangely associate with the city of Newton, MA, where I was residing at the time. I forgot about them for a year or so, then they released their new album this year- the single "Cousins" was take it or leave it for me, so I wasn't totally sold, but I had hope in their abilities, and I wasn't disappointed. Anyway, in February, when I coincidentally discovered that I had not passed prescreening at Colburn (WTF, but whatever) I decided I needed to be bold and highly decadent, and buy tickets to see a show. Thus this event came to pass. (I realize that's a lot of random backstory. Sorry)

Anyway, the bottom line is that the show was amazing- their music is really fun and energetic- it always makes me think of summer and drinking red stripe. I don't know that I would ever have a deep spiritual epiphany as a result of them, but it's just fun and interesting music. The show was very carefully crafted- they played most of the songs off the two albums, and the performance was mostly very similar to the actually albums. There weren't a lot of variations in terms of improvising solos, fills, and whatnot, but somehow that was mostly ok. What I was most excited about though, was the fact that the lead singer can actually sing. Many times, I am totally disappointed in bands when they play live, or even on TV, because I see how much post-production editing takes place. But this was the real deal. (And he was cuter in real life too.) The other thing that was so interesting to realize is that there was a certain masked sense of insecurity that was hidden in the show. These guys aren't that old- maybe all 24-26, and it was so interesting to see them project a certain confidence that was necessary, but at the same time a reserved nature underneath. I almost enjoyed knowing that the most. It was so interesting to realize that for all the praise we give bands and celebrities, they are still complicated people behind the projected persona. I can't really explain what exactly they did or didn't do that made me feel that way, it was probably something I just noticed as a fellow performer. It was like they could be courageous while performing, but as soon as they had to address 3,000 people, they were a little cautious, perhaps for good reason. Either way, it was fascinating.
We also went to an afterparty of sorts, which could have been more amazing, if we had had more cash...argh. So we had heard of a top secret afterparty in which the bassist would be DJ-ing, and we had only taken out about $60 Canadian for the day. We ended up spending a bunch of it on the taxi to get there, and then the cover fee for the party. We go in, and we see the lead singer (aka. my big celebrity crush) bartending. And we proceed to flip out. We don't want to seem too anxious and needy (MJ and I, that is), especially since we're not dressed as groupies: we're wearing normal clothes, and it's cold. After some milling about, we get in line, he takes our order, and then we're told that they don't take cards. Thus, we didn't really get to talk to him, and we went on a fruitless search for an ATM, and because Canada is stupid about VISA, were unable to buy a beer from him and talk about music. It kinda sucked, but we did get to sort of see him and have our order to taken. Tragic, truly. But here's what we decided: if we had talked to him, it would have been stupid superficial things, and we really wanted to know substantial things about them writing music, and influences, and things like that. We were just some groupies there to fawn over them, or at least not only fawn over them. Also, he might have been contrary to what my fantasy crush persona has allotted for him, which would then ruin the dream. And that would be unfortunate.
Anyway, the overall evening was a success, although I do regret not having the means to have a conversation with the lead singer, the boyish and charming ezra koening. I'll just have to settle for the music videos.


Thinking about: why I don't play in a band in Brooklyn or Canada. Apparently, that's where all the cool bands are, and I want in on that.

Melan Collie, Solitude, and Living the Live you Never Planned on

Yesterday, I saw the newest Noah Baumbach movie "greenberg," which was a sometimes tragic, sometimes annoying, and sometimes beautiful story. I don't know that I can really summarize the movie exactly, except that the main character is an epic asshole, and that I hope I'm never as narcisissistic as he is. I did enjoy the movie, but if you're not intrigued, you can definitely wait until it's on DVD. However, there were certain elements of the movie that really resounded with me, and were shockingly relevant to the events going on in my life, and my friends' lives.

The line that most connected with me was this concept of "living the life you didn't plan on." Whether that relates to your career, your love life, your friends, your personality, or your deeds, it's a powerful thought.

This contemplation of one's life seems to happen to most people somewhere in their mid-twenties to early thirties. In college, you had dreams and plans and then after school, they failed to deliver. Or you had an amazing girlfriend/boyfriend, and you broke up, and now you feel like you're right back where you started, and that you're never going to find someone that cares about you. Or you start to think that you will always be alone in this world, and that the people you care about and the friendships you build will always dissolve in time and distance just by the nature of constant relocation. Or you start questioning your family's views, your spiritual background, your sexuality, and anything else you've depended on for most of your life. The bottom line is that most people's lives are entirely in flux throughout their twenties and some of their thirties.

Some people get married early and get a job that they end up loving for 40 years, but for most people, have no idea what to expect year to year. It's this ambiguity, this limbo that causes people to feel like their lost in the world, when in fact, they are just as lost as everyone else. The catch is that we ARE alone-no one will ever know us like we know ourselves. Yet, we are not alone- everyone and everything is connected. It's this strange balance, a koan of alone/not alone that we address everyday. By relinquishing our youth in our twenties, we end up having to deal with issues that we've been hiding from for decades: our beliefs that we may be unlovable or that we will never be "good enough." (Sometimes people just never grow up, and like to avoid these internal conflicts. Lucky them.) The weird thing is that chain of fear, doubt, and insecurity is circuitous- you feel bad about yourself and avoid seeing people, even though the one thing that would cheer you up would be to see people. Or you stop playing your instrument because you feel you are inadequate, when in fact, playing would nurture your soul, even if it doesn't match up to an external gauge of success.

Everyday, we tell ourselves things. Culturally, we look down upon schizophrenics, claiming that only a select few people have voices in their heads. We all have voices- voices that support us, that knock us down, tell us we sound bad, compare us to other people, etc. The real test is how we react to those voices, whether we listen to them and let them shape our lives, or whether we punch them in the face. For me, it depends on the day. But these voices are relying on a preconceived outcome of every given situation, to tell you how things are going to go. "You won't perform well on Wednesday because you always have problems with memory/sound/etc." or "You have been single for most of your life. What would change now?" However, the voices don't know anything more than the universe itself. Your future, your life, is not written down. You are in control of most of your life, and the way you choose to react to the events in your life.

When I was a kid, I used to imagine that my life was a chapter in a very large book, and that some unknown intangible being knew how my life was going to unfold, and that I just had to wait for the pages to turn. I imagined a sort of impish creature readying my life as a very riveting piece of biographical material, perhaps a sort of Dobby (hp) creature. While I still hold onto the vestiges of that, I have more of a fantastical approach in my mind, in that I possess a mythical pen (preferably a quill and some glittery magic ink) and that the words fall onto the pages of my life with my own decisions. In my sleep, I bleed the actions of the day onto this invisible book, and I begin the day with no recollection of this transference.

(I've been thinking about this sort of thing a lot lately, as it has been exactly a year since my

tendonitis debacle which ultimately ruined my second semester. So much of what I suffered through

was self-created. While the pain and injury was not, I knew that my perspective was not helping, and

in retrospect, it was a very valuable thing to have happen. Lately, I've been trying to remember how

awful it felt to not play, and how miserable I was without my expression and my viola. That was

certainly one of most unpleasant periods of my life, at least since middle and high school, and I'm

really glad I survived mostly unscathed. It is the apotheosis of this solitude that I am thinking of.

I felt so alone- as though no one could understand how I felt, and as though all of my work and studies

amounted to nothing. That kind of blackness began to permeate all of my life- everything just became

gray and hopeless; my classes sucked, my job was rough, the weather was depressing, and I didn't

have anything to do. I only wish I had so much time to think about things today! This year has been

the complete opposite, and while I still have issues, my overall state of being is much more stable,

and I feel less like a buoy floating untethered in the ocean. Yes, some of those issues still apply:

I don't have an absolute plan for my life, nor do I have a significant other, nor do I have unanimous

approval from summer festivals and teachers. Yet, I have small things- small glimpses of support,

love, and success and that's all I can cling to. I am a planner- I like to be organized. And nothing

that has happened in the last two years has been planned. I am only starting to look forward to

it.)

While this still doesn't ameliorate this quarter-life crisis, a few main points come to mind:

-That we can embrace each moment of life, in all of its glory, pain, and neutrality, and look forward to each moment.

-That none of us is ever as alone as our minds let us believe.

-That every person, no matter how great their flaws, is loveable. (There was a really funny preview for a movie in which the male character meets the woman of his dreams, and he says something along the lines of "Why would you want me? I'm like shrek of the forest. Why is there a beautiful maiden in the swamp?" That made me chuckle.)

-That nothing is ever certain, and we have to be comfortable with that level of ambiguity, doubt, and possibility. With uncertainty comes the possibility for random occurrences- certainty is predictable and entirely dry.

While I wish I could know how my life would unfold- whether I'll find the man, job, or viola of my dreams, I'll embrace the live I never planned on. It's all I've got.

The News

So I've been neglecting the blog, or at least the blog as pertains to me life. Points of order:

1) Yay for health care! Down on all of those people who seem to think we're all going to be euthanized, or that Obama is planning on the next apocalypse. Chill the fuck out, people! Things are not changing that much- most of america will still be on private health insurance- they might just pay less. I realize that may conflict with your socialist, anarchist views, but the rest of us need something to take care of us when Marx isn't.

2) Yay for kicking into forearm balance on my lonesome!

3) Yay for going to Quebec in May, and spending some quality with the one, the only, MARY-KATHRYN. I got off the waitlist for Domaine, which means I'll get to do some intensive Beethoven quartet time, and some time in my favorite of all the Canadian provinces.

4) Yay for going to Toronto to see Vampire Weekend on Tuesday, even though I'm ditching ensemble and must get gravely "ill" to get out of it.

5) Yay for sunshine, boo for 30 degree weather.

6) Yay for deciding on going back to Banff in July. After having a tough decision between Banff and bang on a can, I decided on Banff, since the wilderness is calling to me. And it's cheaper.

7) Yay for some super sweet offers of my future:

a) Yizhak Schotten, the slightly nutty teacher of University of Michigan wants me to be his TA at this random summer festival in Santa Barbara. I played in a masterclass for him last week, and I guess he liked it. More details to follow.

b) There's an open teaching job at SUNY potsdam teaching viola as secondary instrument to Music Education majors, and Carol suggested I apply. It would mix up the whole "move to Boston" plan, at least for a semester, but it would be a sweet gig. ($12000+ for 1 semester) I have applied-we'll see what happens! (This does mean that I wouldn't move until January, if this happens...we'll talk, Ju.)

8) Yay for my new hot pink flats- $10 at urban. yes. they're awesome and you want them.

9) Two boo's for the fact that many of my friends are waitlisted at Banff, as I want to spend time with them. And boo for the fact that I have a shit ton of homework these days, and I'm playing a whack ass contemporary piece for someone, in which half the battle is figuring out the rhythm.

10) 1 boo for a difficult week of sleep, perhaps due to watching "Zodiac" on sunday night...

Total for the week: 8+ yays. a few boos. Overall, a successful week in the life.

Favorite Pyschedelic Duds

Can I get some of these swirly neon clothes?

And this video by Of Montreal makes me chuckle.
I also enjoy this song by Yeasayer, but the video isn't quite as amazingly awesome.

This is one of the freakiest videos ever, featuring Joanna Newsom as a super creepy suburbanite mom and this poor baby is assaulted by freaky creatures.

I can always count on MGMT to have some weird ass videos- check out "electric feel" for more crazy duds.

Moral of the story: men who love dresses, pink, neon, long hair, eyeliner, and crazy ass clothing are attractive. Androgeny is in.

Contemplating My Relaxation

I had my first (of probably, at least a few) New World Audition this week. And it was ok, actually. The solos were way better than I expected, and the excerpts a little dodgier than expected, but all around, a solid B experience. They were very nice, and I'm realizing that I don't totally suck at excerpts, even if the snarmy coach here acts like I do. I have a few goals for the next year, and one of them is gaining confidence in playing excerpts for auditions. It's so silly that I love playing music for people, even in an audition situation, but I freeze up and get all mechanical in excerpt time, because I feel like everyone is just waiting for you to fuck up. (And well, that's sort of true.) But, I think if I have a more supportive excerpt coach, I may be able to eliminated the negative psychological repercussions of this year's excerpting. Because it's silly that I'm so confident and expressive in regular music, but that I freeze and panic in excerpts, either because I've had such harsh coachings, or because I believe internally that I am just not good at them. It is time to arrest that notion and to move on!

In other words, I'm vacillating between relaxation and minor stress (nothing compared to the last few months, though) because I have to play a few (guess what?) excerpts in a master class today, and because our contemporary ensemble is performing a bitch-ass-hard contemporary piece, and I haven't been to many rehearsals, and I'm petrified. (Wolfgang Rihm=freaking scary German shit, with somewhere between 12-32 notes per bar. No good.) I'm also really looking forward to my recital, once I get everything learned! I just have to finish off the Bach and learn the whole Shostakovich, which should definitely be doable, based on how long it normally takes me to learn things. I'm also a little bummed that I was wait-listed for Lucerne and Domaine Forget chamber music, but I already have answers in my mind:

a) Molly and Rose got into Lucerne, and they are quite a bit older than me, meaning that they are rather close to the cutoff age for that, and I'm pretty far off, so I can still try again.

b) I'm not Canadian, nor do I go to McGill or Glenn Gould, nor do I know any of the Domaine faculty. They also only take a handful of violas, and I imagine many of them keep coming back, so...

But honestly, I just wanted to go to a free festival, since I've never gotten into one before, and I've never really gotten into anything special or awesome before. Oh well! Now, just to decide whether to go to Banff or Bang on a Can. (Mountains/4 star resort or potentially good experience playing contemporary stuff?) TBD.

For now, I'll just keep being lazy.

listening to: the free urban outfitters samplers LSTN 8

Bodhi

Bodhi:Bodhi is an abstract noun formed from the verbal root budh (to awake, become aware, notice, know or understand,in early Buddhism, bodhi carried a meaning synonymous to nirvana, using only some different metaphors to describe the experience, which implied the extinction of raga (greed), dosa (hate) and moha (delusion).

Bodhi Tree: The Bodhi Tree, also known as Bo (from the Sinhalese Bo), was a large and very old Sacred Fig tree (Ficus religiosa) located in Bodh Gaya (about 100 km (62 mi) from Patna in the Indian state of Bihar), under which Siddhartha Gautama, the spiritual teacher and founder of Buddhism later known as Gautama Buddha, achieved enlightenment, or Bodhi.

(thanks wikipedia)

The yoga studio that I go to is called the Bodhi Tree. The theme for this 8 week session of class is bodhi, in the idea of awakening. Spring is a process of awakening from a layer of snow and cold, a process of living, growing, and absorbing the sun. The days are getting longer, and thank goodness, brighter. My plants are starting to really shoot up, and as I watch my tulips and daffodils crank it, I begin to feel the optimism that envelops spring and then summer. With warmth comes the end of class and school, and beginning of relaxation, learning, and revelry-how my body aches for that unstructured time! I have basically been going full-throttle practice practice practice since the fall, and I'm overdue for a vacay. So, I'm taking this chance to awaken from the grey overhang that is winter and to reevaluate. What can we discard from our lives, to make ourselves happier? What parts of our bodies, minds, and perceptions need awakening?

I know that my spine needs awakening, if nothing else, and that it's time to do some serious spring cleaning in my apt, especially since I'll be moving in the next few months. But more seriously, we can awaken to what we offer in this moment. Rather than judge the challenges that lay before us, instead embrace this actual moment. Rather than worry about your future, prepare for now! Awaken to the present moment, whether that is typing, resting, brushing your teeth, or practicing. Remember that happiness is always available to you, no matter what your "problems" are. I may be stressed about my future, but I take comfort in watching the sun feed my plants, or the way the guinea pigs devour hay. Feel yourself being nurtured by others, by the kindness and support of those around you, even when your internal state is complex, and awaken to joy and love.

"The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life."

"Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion."

"Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see. Every breath we take, every step we take, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. The question is whether or not we are in touch with it. We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

(look at these little buds of greenness popping up. Go daffodils, go!)

My Trip to Georgia by the Numbers

Inspired partially by my high school newspaper, which had a stats page, and partially by a recent post by another friend, here's my trip to Athens in numbers.

Number of days in Athens:4

Number of biscuits consumed: 3 (with vegetarian gravy!)

Number of Meals with Fried Food: 4

Cups of Coffee Consumed: 7 (bad call-not enough sleep)

Number of Croissants eaten: 2

Amount of Time spent thinking about or discussing Lady Gaga: 45 mins

Number of Saxophone Events attended: 5 (out of about 100...)

Average Daily Temperature: 58

Days of unfettered sunshine: 4

Number of Hours spent travelling (total): 18

Number of Pages Read: 168 in "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies", 2 in "the Power of Now"

Number of Conversations Spent Talking in an Altered Cartoon Voice: 15

Avg Daily Viola Practice: 1 hr 45

Hours of Guilt About Lack of Practice: 1 hr (cumulatively)

Number of Vegetarian Friendly Restaurants Discovered: 4

Number of Socks Brought: 2 (not enough!)

Number of Crucial Things Forgotten while Packing: 4 (fingernail clippers, tweezers, socks, toothpaste)

Number of Tires Blown: 1

Hours spent having fun: 30

Overall, the trip was a success. I really enjoyed the sun, the south, and the awesome food! I also got rather motivated to attend the Int'l Viola Congress, which seems to be in the cards, now that I've been rejected from Sarasota for 4 times now. Wooh! (The two events conflicted- the congress is in mid June in Cincinnati.) Anyway, now, I'm just trying to shred some viola for Monday's New World humor-fest, and enjoying the direct sunlight in my apartment, which is rather rare for this state. I seem to have brought back the warmth, which I'll take.

Listening to: Owen Pallett