One of the things that has been flitting around in my very cluttered mind is the paradox of mental states that befalls a musician. On one hand, we must constantly criticize ourselves and our work to become better musicians and teachers, and this constant self-analysis is what propels our progress and growth. However, when can we know that we are good enough? It's a parallel with our personal life- are we ever done changing and readjusting as people? I suppose not- if there's ever a time when I'm not learning and changing, then I will have arrived as a stagnant product. At the same time, how rarely we allow ourselves the opportunity to say "I am good enough, in this moment, because it's how I am." Our goal as musicians is theoretically the pursuit of perfection, the unreachable. One of my friends put up this quote, which I find quite relevant:
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen
When should we give up on this perfection that we so earnestly seek? When do we ever accept the way things are? Rarely, at least in my personal experience. I find myself in a constant struggle between success and failure, between confidence and tears, between weakness and the ego. Every day, I'm in a different phase of this cycle- some days I love myself, other days, I want to stay in bed and burn my viola. And yet, I can't give it up. It is the paradox by which I live, each day.
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You may or may not find this useful, but I think about it at least once a week, possibly even once a day.
"Every pose is comprised of equal parts effort and surrender" (from my friend's yoga instructor). Sometimes I find myself having more trouble with the 'effort' part, other times with the 'surrender' part. Sometimes, amazingly, I find myself struggling with both at once.
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