The News

So I've been neglecting the blog, or at least the blog as pertains to me life. Points of order:

1) Yay for health care! Down on all of those people who seem to think we're all going to be euthanized, or that Obama is planning on the next apocalypse. Chill the fuck out, people! Things are not changing that much- most of america will still be on private health insurance- they might just pay less. I realize that may conflict with your socialist, anarchist views, but the rest of us need something to take care of us when Marx isn't.

2) Yay for kicking into forearm balance on my lonesome!

3) Yay for going to Quebec in May, and spending some quality with the one, the only, MARY-KATHRYN. I got off the waitlist for Domaine, which means I'll get to do some intensive Beethoven quartet time, and some time in my favorite of all the Canadian provinces.

4) Yay for going to Toronto to see Vampire Weekend on Tuesday, even though I'm ditching ensemble and must get gravely "ill" to get out of it.

5) Yay for sunshine, boo for 30 degree weather.

6) Yay for deciding on going back to Banff in July. After having a tough decision between Banff and bang on a can, I decided on Banff, since the wilderness is calling to me. And it's cheaper.

7) Yay for some super sweet offers of my future:

a) Yizhak Schotten, the slightly nutty teacher of University of Michigan wants me to be his TA at this random summer festival in Santa Barbara. I played in a masterclass for him last week, and I guess he liked it. More details to follow.

b) There's an open teaching job at SUNY potsdam teaching viola as secondary instrument to Music Education majors, and Carol suggested I apply. It would mix up the whole "move to Boston" plan, at least for a semester, but it would be a sweet gig. ($12000+ for 1 semester) I have applied-we'll see what happens! (This does mean that I wouldn't move until January, if this happens...we'll talk, Ju.)

8) Yay for my new hot pink flats- $10 at urban. yes. they're awesome and you want them.

9) Two boo's for the fact that many of my friends are waitlisted at Banff, as I want to spend time with them. And boo for the fact that I have a shit ton of homework these days, and I'm playing a whack ass contemporary piece for someone, in which half the battle is figuring out the rhythm.

10) 1 boo for a difficult week of sleep, perhaps due to watching "Zodiac" on sunday night...

Total for the week: 8+ yays. a few boos. Overall, a successful week in the life.

Favorite Pyschedelic Duds

Can I get some of these swirly neon clothes?

And this video by Of Montreal makes me chuckle.
I also enjoy this song by Yeasayer, but the video isn't quite as amazingly awesome.

This is one of the freakiest videos ever, featuring Joanna Newsom as a super creepy suburbanite mom and this poor baby is assaulted by freaky creatures.

I can always count on MGMT to have some weird ass videos- check out "electric feel" for more crazy duds.

Moral of the story: men who love dresses, pink, neon, long hair, eyeliner, and crazy ass clothing are attractive. Androgeny is in.

Contemplating My Relaxation

I had my first (of probably, at least a few) New World Audition this week. And it was ok, actually. The solos were way better than I expected, and the excerpts a little dodgier than expected, but all around, a solid B experience. They were very nice, and I'm realizing that I don't totally suck at excerpts, even if the snarmy coach here acts like I do. I have a few goals for the next year, and one of them is gaining confidence in playing excerpts for auditions. It's so silly that I love playing music for people, even in an audition situation, but I freeze up and get all mechanical in excerpt time, because I feel like everyone is just waiting for you to fuck up. (And well, that's sort of true.) But, I think if I have a more supportive excerpt coach, I may be able to eliminated the negative psychological repercussions of this year's excerpting. Because it's silly that I'm so confident and expressive in regular music, but that I freeze and panic in excerpts, either because I've had such harsh coachings, or because I believe internally that I am just not good at them. It is time to arrest that notion and to move on!

In other words, I'm vacillating between relaxation and minor stress (nothing compared to the last few months, though) because I have to play a few (guess what?) excerpts in a master class today, and because our contemporary ensemble is performing a bitch-ass-hard contemporary piece, and I haven't been to many rehearsals, and I'm petrified. (Wolfgang Rihm=freaking scary German shit, with somewhere between 12-32 notes per bar. No good.) I'm also really looking forward to my recital, once I get everything learned! I just have to finish off the Bach and learn the whole Shostakovich, which should definitely be doable, based on how long it normally takes me to learn things. I'm also a little bummed that I was wait-listed for Lucerne and Domaine Forget chamber music, but I already have answers in my mind:

a) Molly and Rose got into Lucerne, and they are quite a bit older than me, meaning that they are rather close to the cutoff age for that, and I'm pretty far off, so I can still try again.

b) I'm not Canadian, nor do I go to McGill or Glenn Gould, nor do I know any of the Domaine faculty. They also only take a handful of violas, and I imagine many of them keep coming back, so...

But honestly, I just wanted to go to a free festival, since I've never gotten into one before, and I've never really gotten into anything special or awesome before. Oh well! Now, just to decide whether to go to Banff or Bang on a Can. (Mountains/4 star resort or potentially good experience playing contemporary stuff?) TBD.

For now, I'll just keep being lazy.

listening to: the free urban outfitters samplers LSTN 8

Bodhi

Bodhi:Bodhi is an abstract noun formed from the verbal root budh (to awake, become aware, notice, know or understand,in early Buddhism, bodhi carried a meaning synonymous to nirvana, using only some different metaphors to describe the experience, which implied the extinction of raga (greed), dosa (hate) and moha (delusion).

Bodhi Tree: The Bodhi Tree, also known as Bo (from the Sinhalese Bo), was a large and very old Sacred Fig tree (Ficus religiosa) located in Bodh Gaya (about 100 km (62 mi) from Patna in the Indian state of Bihar), under which Siddhartha Gautama, the spiritual teacher and founder of Buddhism later known as Gautama Buddha, achieved enlightenment, or Bodhi.

(thanks wikipedia)

The yoga studio that I go to is called the Bodhi Tree. The theme for this 8 week session of class is bodhi, in the idea of awakening. Spring is a process of awakening from a layer of snow and cold, a process of living, growing, and absorbing the sun. The days are getting longer, and thank goodness, brighter. My plants are starting to really shoot up, and as I watch my tulips and daffodils crank it, I begin to feel the optimism that envelops spring and then summer. With warmth comes the end of class and school, and beginning of relaxation, learning, and revelry-how my body aches for that unstructured time! I have basically been going full-throttle practice practice practice since the fall, and I'm overdue for a vacay. So, I'm taking this chance to awaken from the grey overhang that is winter and to reevaluate. What can we discard from our lives, to make ourselves happier? What parts of our bodies, minds, and perceptions need awakening?

I know that my spine needs awakening, if nothing else, and that it's time to do some serious spring cleaning in my apt, especially since I'll be moving in the next few months. But more seriously, we can awaken to what we offer in this moment. Rather than judge the challenges that lay before us, instead embrace this actual moment. Rather than worry about your future, prepare for now! Awaken to the present moment, whether that is typing, resting, brushing your teeth, or practicing. Remember that happiness is always available to you, no matter what your "problems" are. I may be stressed about my future, but I take comfort in watching the sun feed my plants, or the way the guinea pigs devour hay. Feel yourself being nurtured by others, by the kindness and support of those around you, even when your internal state is complex, and awaken to joy and love.

"The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life."

"Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion."

"Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see. Every breath we take, every step we take, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. The question is whether or not we are in touch with it. We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

(look at these little buds of greenness popping up. Go daffodils, go!)

My Trip to Georgia by the Numbers

Inspired partially by my high school newspaper, which had a stats page, and partially by a recent post by another friend, here's my trip to Athens in numbers.

Number of days in Athens:4

Number of biscuits consumed: 3 (with vegetarian gravy!)

Number of Meals with Fried Food: 4

Cups of Coffee Consumed: 7 (bad call-not enough sleep)

Number of Croissants eaten: 2

Amount of Time spent thinking about or discussing Lady Gaga: 45 mins

Number of Saxophone Events attended: 5 (out of about 100...)

Average Daily Temperature: 58

Days of unfettered sunshine: 4

Number of Hours spent travelling (total): 18

Number of Pages Read: 168 in "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies", 2 in "the Power of Now"

Number of Conversations Spent Talking in an Altered Cartoon Voice: 15

Avg Daily Viola Practice: 1 hr 45

Hours of Guilt About Lack of Practice: 1 hr (cumulatively)

Number of Vegetarian Friendly Restaurants Discovered: 4

Number of Socks Brought: 2 (not enough!)

Number of Crucial Things Forgotten while Packing: 4 (fingernail clippers, tweezers, socks, toothpaste)

Number of Tires Blown: 1

Hours spent having fun: 30

Overall, the trip was a success. I really enjoyed the sun, the south, and the awesome food! I also got rather motivated to attend the Int'l Viola Congress, which seems to be in the cards, now that I've been rejected from Sarasota for 4 times now. Wooh! (The two events conflicted- the congress is in mid June in Cincinnati.) Anyway, now, I'm just trying to shred some viola for Monday's New World humor-fest, and enjoying the direct sunlight in my apartment, which is rather rare for this state. I seem to have brought back the warmth, which I'll take.

Listening to: Owen Pallett

Words of Wisdom from the Trenches

My awesome pianist friend wrote my a very eloquent email last night in response to my blog, and I thought, since it's a hot topic, that you all should read it.

Hi Kayleigh,

Are you back in Rochester? It’s been sunny! and it’s warmer! I hope you don’t mind that I’m commenting on your blog post. As long as we are musician and are seeking a career in music, we share and struggle with this “endless” topic, I believe… So, here I wrote what I think about it and answers to some of your questions.

Fact 1: I get more rejection letters than acceptance letters. –but, I don’t actually remember them(rejections), because it’s not worth thinking about people who rejected me!
Fact 2: I was told to quit piano, because I suck at it, when I was in high school. –It took my entire undergrad to believe in myself again. And, I was told the same thing again by a different person much later, too.
Fact 3: I thought of quitting piano again in my masters at NEC, because I was very depressed by the fact I was not one of the successful ones in what I do.
Fact 4: Here I am in my doctoral study. I’m still striving for the same path of what I want to do.

Do you know exactly what you want to do with music and in your career? Can you picture yourself what kind of every day life and where you would be in 3 or 5 years? If you could answer this question (whatever the answer is –so many people end up with wherever his/her love-partner is.), I think, you are done.

I often think of some other people’s fact too: for examples, 1) my admirable current teacher, she did not settle until about 10 years ago, 2) my amazing studio pianist who won the CAG and has concert tour all the time, she now has to find a real management in order to continue her current concert-life. And, she will be facing to the pressure throughout her life if she wants it.

--"Do these festivals realize that so many of us tie our sense of self-worth with our ability to be successful in this front? Do these people know that hearts are broken because of this?" –It’s not worth thinking how much they care about our internal state of hapiness. I have an unopened rejection letter in my room, which I will never open…

--"How can we, as the sometimes rejected, keep up our sense of self-worth when we are constantly rejected from festivals/programs/more?" –Musicians need to be (or try to be, if you are not naturally one of these people) SELF-INDULGENT, so that you can keep believing in what you do.

--When do we acknowledge that point? The tipping point between dreams and reality? --you don’t stop trying unless you decide not to anymore. And, I think it’s important that somewhere in your mind you SEPARATE your music and your career progression. Ideally, The reality should always reflect what you deserve though it clearly does not work that way all the time. You should love what you do regardless of what’s happening to the reality.

I really want to tell you that it is my honest feeling that I was not disappointed by the result of CAG last year. Of course, I was mad, but sad. Because, at that time, I knew I made some progress in my playing by having a chance to compete in the competition, and I wouldn’t have been able to make the progress unless I did it. And, my self-improvement mattered for me. I will try again...

When I was depressed in my masters, I couldn’t save myself then. It was actually the time I met more local jazz musicians in Boston, found to do improv, and did more outside gigs. And, I just LOVED playing wherever and whatever music. Playing in church masses has been equally important in this regard, because I can do improv there!

Ah, one more question.

-- would you be very happy during that search? --I'm quite content now with what I'm doing. Well, a bit overwhelmed by how much I have to do in school perhaps... But, I get worried when I'm not busy.

Here are some thoughts that my mom taught me and I still believe in.

If you believe in what you do, you will eventually succeed.
If you don’t dream of what you want, you will never become of it.
The effort and the time you devoted for the thing you desire will never be wasted. You will get what you deserve in the end.

Do you think it’s silly to believe in them? I'm curious to know what you think. You can completely deny my thinking, because this is totally depending on my current thinking and my experience so far. I don’t know how I would be thinking differently next year.

Hope this isn’t an annoying long letter for you. I couldn’t help writing, because we all share this topic.

Futaba

I love her response and hope that those of you who are feeling lost and frustrated musically will continue on your journey with more courage and belief in yourself!

It's that Time! Rejection Fest 2010!

Yes, it's rejection fest 2010, folks! While I may have scraped by with just a total of 6 pfol's it is not time for my friends to get the same experiences that I have been coping with since January.

PFOL: please f*ck off letter. AKA: a rejection letter. Anyway, it's time for the summer festival rejection season to reap its damage on the innocent, the naive, and the well-intentioned musicians of the world.

Fact: most festivals have less money=less acceptances=more applicants=more unfortunate outcomes

Fact: most professional music related things are as much political as they are audition based. (I can't prove this one with money, just with experience.)

Fact: Each PFOL chips away at one's sense of self-worth and ability to ever succeed at music. (i.e. "If I can't get into festival X, I'll never get a professional job with orchestra XY.")
The question I want to ask is, "Do these festivals realize that so many of us tie our sense of self-worth with our ability to be successful in this front? Do these people know that hearts are broken because of this?" And I suppose more pertinently, "How can we, as the sometimes rejected, keep up our sense of self-worth when we are constantly rejected from festivals/programs/more?"
I can't answer any of these questions, and I can't allay our frustration with rejection. I can only hope that what I do, what you do, and what we do together, is a meaningful and worthwhile thing, and that it makes the world a better place. We also have to know that there may be a time when what we want in music is simply not possible. And that is a heartbreaking thing to realize, but we may have to address it eventually. When do we acknowledge that point? The tipping point between dreams and reality? I don't know-perhaps when it feels right. On one hand,it seems like one could go on forever and apply for things and never keep hoping for success, that one hidden acceptance, but at the same point, would you be very happy during that search? When does one reconcile external and internal states of happiness? You can be very happy when external things are succeeding, or be very solid internally, spiritually, when music things suck. Perhaps we have to acknowledge that these two realms are independent, but in the end, we are only our internal selves, not our external selves. Our happiness and worth as a human being should not depend on what we are accepted into, or rejected from, it should be the things we do in the world, and the way we act.
While I'm still bothered by the outcome of some of my auditions, we have to keep on, and remember that somebody still loves us and that we don't totally suck at life.

PFOL count: 6
Yale
Colburn
Prussia Cove
Yellow Barn (it was only a matter of time)
The Academy
Community MusicWorks

Self-worth: 8/10.

Currently listening to: Owen Pallett (aka. final fantasy)