Words of Wisdom from the Trenches

My awesome pianist friend wrote my a very eloquent email last night in response to my blog, and I thought, since it's a hot topic, that you all should read it.

Hi Kayleigh,

Are you back in Rochester? It’s been sunny! and it’s warmer! I hope you don’t mind that I’m commenting on your blog post. As long as we are musician and are seeking a career in music, we share and struggle with this “endless” topic, I believe… So, here I wrote what I think about it and answers to some of your questions.

Fact 1: I get more rejection letters than acceptance letters. –but, I don’t actually remember them(rejections), because it’s not worth thinking about people who rejected me!
Fact 2: I was told to quit piano, because I suck at it, when I was in high school. –It took my entire undergrad to believe in myself again. And, I was told the same thing again by a different person much later, too.
Fact 3: I thought of quitting piano again in my masters at NEC, because I was very depressed by the fact I was not one of the successful ones in what I do.
Fact 4: Here I am in my doctoral study. I’m still striving for the same path of what I want to do.

Do you know exactly what you want to do with music and in your career? Can you picture yourself what kind of every day life and where you would be in 3 or 5 years? If you could answer this question (whatever the answer is –so many people end up with wherever his/her love-partner is.), I think, you are done.

I often think of some other people’s fact too: for examples, 1) my admirable current teacher, she did not settle until about 10 years ago, 2) my amazing studio pianist who won the CAG and has concert tour all the time, she now has to find a real management in order to continue her current concert-life. And, she will be facing to the pressure throughout her life if she wants it.

--"Do these festivals realize that so many of us tie our sense of self-worth with our ability to be successful in this front? Do these people know that hearts are broken because of this?" –It’s not worth thinking how much they care about our internal state of hapiness. I have an unopened rejection letter in my room, which I will never open…

--"How can we, as the sometimes rejected, keep up our sense of self-worth when we are constantly rejected from festivals/programs/more?" –Musicians need to be (or try to be, if you are not naturally one of these people) SELF-INDULGENT, so that you can keep believing in what you do.

--When do we acknowledge that point? The tipping point between dreams and reality? --you don’t stop trying unless you decide not to anymore. And, I think it’s important that somewhere in your mind you SEPARATE your music and your career progression. Ideally, The reality should always reflect what you deserve though it clearly does not work that way all the time. You should love what you do regardless of what’s happening to the reality.

I really want to tell you that it is my honest feeling that I was not disappointed by the result of CAG last year. Of course, I was mad, but sad. Because, at that time, I knew I made some progress in my playing by having a chance to compete in the competition, and I wouldn’t have been able to make the progress unless I did it. And, my self-improvement mattered for me. I will try again...

When I was depressed in my masters, I couldn’t save myself then. It was actually the time I met more local jazz musicians in Boston, found to do improv, and did more outside gigs. And, I just LOVED playing wherever and whatever music. Playing in church masses has been equally important in this regard, because I can do improv there!

Ah, one more question.

-- would you be very happy during that search? --I'm quite content now with what I'm doing. Well, a bit overwhelmed by how much I have to do in school perhaps... But, I get worried when I'm not busy.

Here are some thoughts that my mom taught me and I still believe in.

If you believe in what you do, you will eventually succeed.
If you don’t dream of what you want, you will never become of it.
The effort and the time you devoted for the thing you desire will never be wasted. You will get what you deserve in the end.

Do you think it’s silly to believe in them? I'm curious to know what you think. You can completely deny my thinking, because this is totally depending on my current thinking and my experience so far. I don’t know how I would be thinking differently next year.

Hope this isn’t an annoying long letter for you. I couldn’t help writing, because we all share this topic.

Futaba

I love her response and hope that those of you who are feeling lost and frustrated musically will continue on your journey with more courage and belief in yourself!

It's that Time! Rejection Fest 2010!

Yes, it's rejection fest 2010, folks! While I may have scraped by with just a total of 6 pfol's it is not time for my friends to get the same experiences that I have been coping with since January.

PFOL: please f*ck off letter. AKA: a rejection letter. Anyway, it's time for the summer festival rejection season to reap its damage on the innocent, the naive, and the well-intentioned musicians of the world.

Fact: most festivals have less money=less acceptances=more applicants=more unfortunate outcomes

Fact: most professional music related things are as much political as they are audition based. (I can't prove this one with money, just with experience.)

Fact: Each PFOL chips away at one's sense of self-worth and ability to ever succeed at music. (i.e. "If I can't get into festival X, I'll never get a professional job with orchestra XY.")
The question I want to ask is, "Do these festivals realize that so many of us tie our sense of self-worth with our ability to be successful in this front? Do these people know that hearts are broken because of this?" And I suppose more pertinently, "How can we, as the sometimes rejected, keep up our sense of self-worth when we are constantly rejected from festivals/programs/more?"
I can't answer any of these questions, and I can't allay our frustration with rejection. I can only hope that what I do, what you do, and what we do together, is a meaningful and worthwhile thing, and that it makes the world a better place. We also have to know that there may be a time when what we want in music is simply not possible. And that is a heartbreaking thing to realize, but we may have to address it eventually. When do we acknowledge that point? The tipping point between dreams and reality? I don't know-perhaps when it feels right. On one hand,it seems like one could go on forever and apply for things and never keep hoping for success, that one hidden acceptance, but at the same point, would you be very happy during that search? When does one reconcile external and internal states of happiness? You can be very happy when external things are succeeding, or be very solid internally, spiritually, when music things suck. Perhaps we have to acknowledge that these two realms are independent, but in the end, we are only our internal selves, not our external selves. Our happiness and worth as a human being should not depend on what we are accepted into, or rejected from, it should be the things we do in the world, and the way we act.
While I'm still bothered by the outcome of some of my auditions, we have to keep on, and remember that somebody still loves us and that we don't totally suck at life.

PFOL count: 6
Yale
Colburn
Prussia Cove
Yellow Barn (it was only a matter of time)
The Academy
Community MusicWorks

Self-worth: 8/10.

Currently listening to: Owen Pallett (aka. final fantasy)

after the break-up (with harold, that is)

Now that the excess snot has been expelled from my nose, I have so much space in my head...for thinking! Actually, I think I just have the space to not be stressed right now. Now that immediate and important concert/audition deadlines are minimal, I feel like I have so much time-to do everything! It's quite exciting. Granted, I haven't been seriously shredding my excerpts for my New World audition in two weeks. Nope, not at all. I know it's just a post-Harold bliss fest, especially since I was really sick for the two days after, but I also realize that I need to get it together. I'm also seriously chiseling away at the stack of work due this week. *Nothing says nerd like doing Baroque performance practice homework on a Saturday night, right?* But seriously, I know that my chances of getting into nws are slightly slim, slimmer than my man calves, and it's hard to get motivated. I also found out that roger tapping wants me to come to nec, which has sort of sapped my energy for the audition.

(Yes. I'm wanted and liked by more people than just carol and erin kirby! Score! He sent a very polite and entertaining email that was like "I really enjoyed your audition and hope you're interested in coming. I'm working with admissions to make your official offer, but I do rather hope you'll consider coming." Duh.)

Anyways, yay for me! Out of six applications, I may have gotten four rejections, but so far, one very important tentative acceptance.

In other news, I'm experiencing the yoga resurgence. My arms/wrists have been very cooperative as of late, and I've been going to 2-3 classes a week, and I've realized how much I miss yoga. Yes, I can do it at home, and sometimes, I can get really focused and have a good home practice. But sometimes, I've just longed for a warm, supportive community and an inspiring teacher, and I've finally found my home! One of the teachers I liked at another studio just opened her own studio, and it is my new home. When I initially moved to Rochester, I was really disappointed in the yoga scene. I was younger than most of my fellow yogis by 20 years, and well, that was a bit odd. Whereas Boston was this thriving yoga and yoga lifestyle community, I felt like I stood out a bit, with my interest in challenging poses (even if I can't usually do them) and my hope in getting some good perspiration along with my inspiration. Now I've realized again that you can learn something from all teachers, depending on your openness with the situation. I've found that anusura gives me the length and the stretch that my body aches for, without putting me through the sun salutation paces or making me feel incompetent because I can't do weird ass poses. While I don't know if I can practice anusura forever, I really appreciate the spirituality of the poses and the focus on what you can do, rather than what you can't. When I look at myself, it's easy to see the things I can't do, but I never feel like I'm out of my league in class. I don't get scared that the teachers won't be able to modify, or that I'm not wearing cool and awesome lululemon tank tops like my classmates. (They're just wearing tee-shirts and are probably post menopausal and don't care). While I was allured by the beauty, the athleticism, and extremity of the Boston yoga community, I don't need to do crazy ass poses to get the benefits of yoga. I can't do a lot of them anyway, with my wrist, and that's just fine. I'd rather beast the viola than support my slightly overweight body on my paws. But my body and spirit have been aching for tender loving care, and my spine has been growling for liberation, and I've finally answered that call. My spine is sometimes a bratty selfish child, and yoga usually placates its churlish ways. While I can still revere the beauty of a lululemon model or the complex tattoos revealed on someone's bare back while doing a handstand, my practice has evolved from that. Maybe yoga is something for upper class, wealthy, beautiful women, but I want to do it too, and I don't need my finest duds to do it. I can just come as I am, and if that includes wearing a beautiful tank top, that's great, but if not, I'm still having the time of my life, even if it'll never get me into yogajournal.

listening to: smashing pumpkins

In the zone. (the pwn zone?)

Ah, yes. The post we have all been waiting for. For those of you not privileged enough to be living in Rochester, the pinnacle of musical development in the united states o' america, you have probably been wondering how my Harold in Italy concert went. The short answer? It was most excellent.

My photos haven't been edited yet by my trusty photojournalist friend, so needless to say, you will all have to wait to see "the dress" of infamy, but i got a lot of compliments on it, and I was just happy that i could wear an entirely normal and supportive bra. Here are some points of interest though:

1) I started to get sick days before the concert, losing both my voice and my energy. The result was that I stopped worrying about things, because I didn't really have the energy to do so.

2) My mom came and visited me Sat-Tuesday, and since my mom isn't a musician, she didn't really understand that I might need time to panic or freak out. Instead, she treated it like a normal vacation, and we did fun things, which helped me to get perspective on everything and chill out.

3) We had an exceptionally mediocre dress rehearsal on Monday, which was great, because the concert went about a gazillion times better. I've generally discovered that mediocre rehearsals beget great concerts because people suddenly snap into focus, whereas really amazing rehearsals give people an unfortunate sense of comfort.

4) I had been nervous in some shape or form for all of the rehearsals. Yes, all of them. First of all, it's scary to get in front of an orchestra and claim ownership of viola-dom, especially with a slightly lame piece like this one. I had been worried the whole time that people would be judging me, comparing me to the violinist from the first half of the program (world's worst vln concerto: vieuxtemps 5) which featured showy filigree, whereas mine didn't feature much of anything. After a week and a half of that fear, I was finally able to let go of it on the day of the concert. It goes to show you that no matter how confident you "should" feel, self judgment is the hardest judge, not others' opinions. I do wish i could've been at the helm of a better piece, or at least a piece that features my skills better, but in the moment of truth, I had to love. I had to love my audience, myself, my viola, and my playing. Even when I missed a shift here or there, I had to gather my energy, my forces, and project them like a ball of white light. When i was finally able to be "as kind to myself as I would be towards others," I was able to project the emotion and intensity that the piece required.

All in all, I was pretty pleased with it. I had more compliments about my dress than I ever thought possible, and despite the stress and brief amount of time I had to work on it, it sounded decent. Yes, I wish I had more than a week and a half after my NEC audition, but...these things are out of my control. It's good to know that I can overcome personal challenges in order to reveal the music in the end.

Laughing with a mouth of blood

Yes, I've been laughing with a mouth of blood. (i.e. experiencing both the extremely good and the kinda bad)
Here's some events of note:
1) NEC audition last Wednesday. It went well, I think? I didn't get to play my ultimate jams (like the Penderecki!) but I did play a very good Ligeti mvmt, and a solid movement of Bach. I don't know that I got into Kim's studio, but we'll see what comes of that.
2) I found out right after my NEC audition that I didn't pass Colburn prescreening (again, WTF) and I didn't get into Prussia Cove. (couldn't have afforded it anyways). But really? Within hours of my audition? It was bad news bears.

3) I've been in full Harold mode, since the concert is on Monday at 8 PM! Send me good vibes/reiki. Today was the first rehearsal that I actually felt good about, especially since I started really practicing this piece last Thursday after my nec audition. I think it's going to be great. Period. I'm getting confident and less nervous. The first couple of rehearsals were really stressful for me- the orchestra didn't sound great, and I felt like everyone was judging me all the time, comparing me to the violinist playing the Vieuxtemps, etc. But in the end, it doesn't matter. I can't let that affect me, because the programming is beyond my control. Not everyone is going to know that I can really beast the viola, but I'll at least be confident in the 10 notes that I do get to play. That's all I can do.
So why was I laughing full of blood? Because I had to come home from an audition, completely deflated, and stand at the helm of an orchestra, having barely had time to practice the piece I was performing. I have to look confident and assured, even though the doubt that runs through me is palpable. My parents were really upset, vicariously, for me, even though it's not their problem or issue. The bottom line is that I don't have a plan for next year. I applied for a bunch of things, and basically got rejected from almost all of them, except NEC. I don't know how to take the rejection-a part of me just wants to scream and quit viola completely. For every leap that I've made in viola progress, I've received a bigger and more catastrophic consequence or rejection. How can I ever know if I'll succeed? For all that I am and that I think I offer, it is all a matter of opinion, of connections, and perhaps I cannot succeed in the way that I hope. Perhaps my dreams are too vast, too immaterial, to be true. I can never tell if I am a pebble in zen garden of pebbles, or if I am a pebble in a collection of treasures. I flip flop between believing in myself and my worth, and doubting my long term happiness. Can I ever love myself? Can anyone ever love me either? And what does the viola have to do with anything? I have no idea.

I know that for now, for three days, I need to be confident in my worth and my gifts, even if the demons that way beneath my surface threaten to capsize the ship. There are so many things worth appreciating in me- if I only can open my eyes enough to see them, they will shine beyond belief, radiating beyond my own perception. Then all of the trees of the field will clap their hands as they look upon me and my joy.

listening to: melon collie and the infinite sadness, grizzly bear, vampire weekend

Bloggage

I have so many things to blog about, but no time! Hopefully, I'll get caught up on revealing my thoughts and mildly amusing life to the internet. For now, just know that I am sleeping, studying baroque dance forms, practicing Berlioz like it's going out of style, and considering cleaning my apartment. Oh, and I'm also going raw for the week as a gentle way to remind my tum-tum about its behavior and how i'm realizing it may need some raw plant food to cuddle itself back into submission and cooperation.

Best quote ever: "it's so f'n insane that straight people get to vote on whether or not gay marriage is allowed,i can't believe it's even debatable... if u r small minded enough to vote against gay marriage,u should be sent to prison,cause god knows what else u r capable of."

-- Of Montreal frontman Kevin Barnes gets heated. Don't even get him started on tort reform! (via @xxofMontrealxx)

listening to: baroque dance hits...the ultimate 80's mix. 1680's.

Meeting Myself Again

I apparently don't always handle stress well. In fact, I'm not entirely sure why I'm that stressed to begin with, because my NEC audition should not be fueling this much anxiety. I know the teachers there, I'm better prepared than I was for my masters' audition, and the teachers like me enough that I should feel moderately comfortable in my audition. However, last week, my insides were in agony- I wasn't hungry, I was having constant stomach cramps, and food wasn't exiting my body much. I was experiencing the very direct negative affects of stress on my body. I had never really seen anything like that happen before- I've obviously been stressed in my life, but I'd never seen my body just shut down and stop working because of it. After a few very difficult days, I was told that I needed to:

"Give yourself a fucking break."

Seriously. I was bummed that my studio class performance hadn't been amazing amazing and I was upset. And I realized that MJ was right- I wasn't giving myself the benefits of positivity or industriousness or anything. I associate hard work and productivity with a certain amount of anxiety and resistance. So that has become my week's work. Rather than allow myself to freak out, I needed to create space in my mind and my heart, so that I could be productive but also be happy. (Fancy that!)

It also made me realize that I expect a lot from my friends in times like this, and that perhaps ask too much of them. When did I become an extrovert when it comes to anxiety? I don't remember. Sometimes, it seems like these intense emotions are such a burden to share with others, especially when that other is just a friend and not family or a significant other. I don't think I used to reveal so much of myself in this way-perhaps isolated living has made me different, dependent on others in new ways. I frankly don't know. The bottom lines is that I have been abusing myself semi-willingly for most of the semester, and I need to get acquainted with myself, in a nicer way. My body yearns for the space of meditation and the timelessness of yoga-why can't I have time to do these things? Because I'm not making time. If I spend 3-6 hours at the viola, I come home between 10 and 11 and I crash. Yoga? Meditation? SLEEP trumps all. But the truth is that I need to make time for myself. I need to allow myself to breathe in the present moment. All of these things that I believe in- mindfulness, inner space, freedom from thoughts-I've been forgetting at the time that I need them the most. Now. I've instead been relying on my friends to keep me sane when I in fact need to do that for myself. I have the tools- I just need to do it.

At the end of the day, I'm responsible for how I feel. My workload should not directly affect my every waking moment and I have the option of changing my emotional landscape. I just need to take charge.